The Throwaway Year (14 page)

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Usually, if Hayden was working a city where she had to stop making calls because it was after business hours, she was supposed to finish up all her paperwork instead. However, Mr. Fox said that all the Telemarketing people were to do was to make calls and that the credit card and printing departments would take over anything dealing with paper.  So Hayden switched to sales in Shoreline, Washington at 9:00 P.M. and continued selling re-runs until she finally stopped at 10:30 P.M. She ended her day with seven sales! That was over a grand in commissions in just one day!

When she left
that evening, she was exhausted, but hyped. Still, she couldn’t wait to fulfill her date with her pillow. Just then, Brian came running out of the building after her.

“Hayden!”

She stopped and waited for him to catch up.

“Hey.”
He combed his fingers through his unruly hair.

“Hey.”

“I wanted to talk to you. My dad and I have been here almost around the clock trying to get things in order and I’ve barely had a break. Do you have a minute?”

She inhaled, wishing she could lie and say no.
“Okay, but I have to get home-”

“I won’t be long, I promise.”

He chewed his lip as he stared at her.  “When you texted me that question…”

She looked away feeling her stomach sink.
It was almost like the day MyKell had told her that he had met someone else. She did not want to do this again.

“Brian-”

“It was after my dad had called me into his office to tell me about a van that had been parked on his street off and on for the past few weeks. It was a white cargo van and it really stood out. I told him about seeing people sitting in their cars across the street and sometimes in the lot. That’s when we knew that we were being watched by the police.”

She nodded.
“I noticed the people in the cars, too. But I thought they were drug dealers.”

“Hayden I thought I was about
to be sent to federal prison. Jail time for mail fraud can be up to twenty years for each count.” He gnawed his lip in despair.

“I went home that night and thought about using.
I even had the phone in my hand thinking about calling my old dealer. And then I got your text. My heart kind of leapt and suddenly I was just focused on what was wrong with you. Drugs have never given me the peace that talking to you does and I realized that no matter what, that was always going to be the truth.”

Hayden was shocked.
She searched his eyes.

“Then you asked me that question; was I attracted to you.
I started texting how I think about you constantly. How beautiful you are and how you don’t even seem to know.”

Hayden’s mouth fell open;
butterflies began to form in her belly at Brian’s words and the intensity of his stare.  Then he placed his gentle hands on her shoulders. “I wrote that I’m more than attracted to you Hayden, and that every day you keep me grounded. That you motivate me and that all I want to do is to inspire you in return. I don’t want you to throw away a year of your life—not one second of your life, because who you are now is the person that I’m falling in love with.”

Hayden couldn’t breath
e. She was frozen, staring at him in disbelief, nearly trembling. Falling in love…   He said that he was falling in love… with her.

His face darkened.
“But what I couldn’t do was figure out how to tell you that I was about to face prison time; and a long sentence too. And that’s when I knew that I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t want you throwing away ten or twenty years of your precious life on someone that wouldn’t be here.”

He looked away, his hands still holding her.
“I don’t ever want you to miss me when I’m gone. I don’t want you to worry about me when I’m gone. And I don’t want you haunted by what could have been…”

He met her eyes again.
“I wrote what I did, hoping we could… I don’t know.  I was wishing that I hadn’t allowed myself to feel the way I did for you and wishing that it could go back to when we were just friends. I didn’t want to hurt you. I just didn’t know how to make it go back to the way it was before…”

Hayden
shook her head. She needed to get her thoughts straight, to absorb all that she was feeling, to know if there was something that she wasn’t seeing.  Brian held onto her hand not allowing her to retreat and when she looked down at his hand wrapped around hers she felt her emotions unraveling.

“I’m sorry Hayden.
Don’t leave-”

She felt a shuddering sob and when Brian refused to let her go she covered her face with her free hand.

“I thought I’d messed up,” she cried.
“I thought I had misread the signs. I thought I would never learn how to read the signs that were right in front of my face.”

Brian
gently placed his hand on her chin until she looked up at him. He was shaking his head. “What I noticed about you is that you don’t read the same signs that the rest of us see. You are uniquely you.”

Hayden stared at him
, making sure that she was seeing what was truly before her eyes.

Brian’s mouth tilted up into a soft smile.
“And yes, it did take you a long time to see the signs. I sent you affirmations of love. I sent you messages about how wonderful you were. I freaking… hijacked your Sunday and you still didn’t get it!”

She laughed and reached up to wipe the tears that spilled down her cheek
s, but Brian bent down and kissed one damp cheek and then the other until he had kissed them all away.  The sudden onslaught of desire almost caused her knees to weaken. Brian’s lips inched towards hers, where he lightly kissed them.  Her toes curled in her shoes when she heard his soft sigh of pleasure. His touch was very gentle; like a feather’s touch. Before long, his kiss deepened and became sensual when his tongue brushed hers and soon he was sucking her lips—first the top and then the bottom.

He pulled back suddenly, putting his hands on her shoulder
s, almost as if to hold her at bay.

“So
rry, I’m…”

She smiled.
“Sorry?”

He shook his head adamantly.
“No. Not sorry, but…” He suddenly smiled. “You know, you never answered me.”

Hayden thought back but didn’t rememb
er being asked anything. She gave him a questioning look.

“You never said whether or not
you’ll come over Sunday for meatloaf and smothered cabbage.”

She
clenched down low. This was one of those hints that she hadn’t caught earlier. She returned his mischievous smile. “Well, I’ll come over if you really cook me some meatloaf and cabbage.”

He watched her lips as he gnawed on his own.
She could see that it was taking all of his control not to kiss her again. She wished that his control was just a little weaker.

He inhaled deeply.
“I’ll text you my address.” He finally allowed his hands to drop from her shoulders, and Hayden stood nearly swaying as their connection ended.

“See you tomorrow
Hayden.”

She nodded
, staring deeply into his eyes that she couldn’t seem to get enough of. “Goodnight Brian.”  Then before he could leave, she gave in to her desire and placed her hands around his waist, leaned in and kissed him gently.

Brian’s hands immediately moved to the back of her head.
His fist was suddenly buried in the thick mass of coils. “Oh damn, Hayden…” he muttered, “I think about you constantly.” His mouth claimed hers as his kisses became frenzied. Hayden grimaced nearly in pain at his words—and not just the words but also the honesty in them. He desired her, he wanted her, and he was falling in love with her.

Trembling, this time it was her that pulled back.
He allowed his hands to drop but he continued to lightly gnaw his lip as if he missed the contact there.  She didn’t say anything else as she turned gracelessly and headed for her car, hoping that she wouldn’t stumble because her legs didn’t seem able to work right now.

It was the best week of Hayden’s life, despite the fact that she did things that most would consider tedious; however, she was now doing it with much more ease. She worked out each morning, pounding the treadmill in a steady jog—no intervals, just full out running. Then it was on to her first job, where she spent most of the day looking forward to going in to her second job.

She was making money hand-over-fist there and the
new crew that she trained were fast learners. Unfortunately, one woman had already quit after learning about the new drug-testing policy and another had sold a re-run belonging to another employee.  Hayden was just happy that it wasn’t Abdullah’s re-run because that would have just been too ironic.

After thinking about it long and hard
, Hayden made the woman return the commission, even though the guy it rightfully belonged to sheepishly told her to keep it. Then after that, it was pretty clear that Hayden had made a new enemy of the woman—at least until the woman discovered that the boss’ son had the hots for Hayden… The money was great of course, but the real highlight of her day was seeing Brian. However, there was little time to do much more than exchange brief greetings. With their backlog of work, neither took the time to eat dinner in the canteen and just ate separately at their desks between calls.

He stopped at her desk whenever possible
, but it was obvious that he wanted to be kissing her and not just talking. He continuously asked her if she was still coming for dinner Sunday, and she had to assure him that she was looking forward to it. She didn’t mention the fact that Saturday she was going to be meeting another man.

It was a terribly screwed up situation
, but one that she couldn’t change now without damaging her friendship with Dani. Hayden didn’t realize just how much her new lifestyle had affected her friendship.  She explained all that had happened from the drug bust to Brian’s admission of love, her face showing how thrilled she was about the new romantic path that she was taking. Hayden was ready to speculate about interracial dating and how wonderful kissing Brian had been.  She was also ready to explore why he felt the way he did for her and why she felt the way she did for him. Unfortunately, the conversation had just gone sideways.

“Oh my God…
this is unreal.” Dani looked floored.

“Dani…
I think I’m falling in love with Brian.” Hayden’s face filled with an impossibly large smile.

“Hayden!
What about my friend Sean? I mean, I already invited him to a barbecue Saturday and I’ve been talking you up like crazy. He was really looking forward to meeting you!”

Hayden was surprised into silence.
How could Dani honestly be talking about this guy Sean when she was telling her that she was falling in love? Alright, so maybe it wasn’t love—maybe it was something different, but she wanted to at least talk about that possibility with her friend. What did Sean have to do with anything when Hayden had found someone that she connected with?

Hayden
raised her hands. “I’m sorry Dani. I don’t need to meet Sean when I’m already interested in Brian. Besides that, I told you that I’m working Saturday-”

“Fine.”
Dani threw up her hands. “Forget it, just forget it,” Dani said before she angrily gathered up the remains of her uneaten lunch.

“Dani-?”

Her friend shook her head. “Hayden, am I just some interference in your life? Because you treat me like you
have
to deal with me. I’m not even talking about the fact that we barely hang out anymore, that you don’t call me, and that I can’t call you, but even when we’re taking breaks together, you’re not even here.”

Hayden’s mouth parted.
How could Dani be saying this when she knew what Hayden’s schedule was like? Anger at her friend’s selfishness began to build within her.

“Hayden
, I miss you,” Dani’s eyes sparkled. “Where are you? You’re not here. You think I can’t see that you’ve pulled back from me? I do want you to meet Sean, but the biggest thing is that I just want you to come to the barbecue because I miss having fun with you.”

The anger that had been building suddenly re
ceded at the sight of Dani’s honesty. Yes, Hayden had retreated and she hadn’t trusted their friendship enough to talk to her best friend about how she was feeling. Hayden sighed.

“It’s not you
Dani. It’s me. I didn’t know that I was doing that to you.” Hayden looked into the air. It was hard to say the words that she was thinking, but she had to anyway. “In a way, I’m trying to save my life. I’m trying to find something in me that I can learn to love and respect, and day by day, I’m finally finding it.”

Dani touched her hand.
“Hayden, you are a good person. You think that just because you look a certain way that it defines who you are, but you are better than that. Why would you let a man make you doubt who you are? MyKell was a user and this guy Brian, he might not be the same kind of user, but he’s got a questionable history-”