The Throwaway Year (10 page)

Each evening she did greet him, but she avoided meeting his eyes and if it appeared that he would talk to her
, she pretended to be busy, or would begin making a phone call. There were some positive things to develop over the next few days though. Marcus had ceased his constant offers to be her pusher. Also, she figured out that Abdullah didn’t smell funny. He just smelled like curry; the curry that he heated in the microwave each evening without bothering to cover it with a napkin.

Strangest of all wa
s that one evening, as the day was rounding down to a close, Pam turned in her chair and spoke to her.

“You can’t call transmission companies.”

“What?” Hayden had heard Pam, but she just couldn’t believe that Pam had initiated any communication with her.

“You can only advertise one type of company on the cover.”

She stared at Pam wanting to tell her that she already knew that—no thanks to her.

“Well transmission falls under G for garage, or A for automotive,” Pam continued.

Hayden didn’t speak. Okay maybe she was right because that re-run of Abdullah’s that she’d sold was an auto body business. She glanced at Brian to see if that was correct information, but he wasn’t paying attention.

Pam continued.
“So the guys are calling the first half of the book and anything that is automotive or garage is theirs to call. We get the back half and even though T falls in our territory, transmission wouldn’t because it’s still an activity that falls under what a garage or automotive would do. So we can’t call transmission.”

Okay that did make sense.
Hayden nodded in appreciation at the information. “Thanks,” she said briefly.

Pam just stared at her.

Hayden turned in her seat until Pam was facing her back. It was probably rude, but she didn’t care. Pam probably wasn’t being as helpful as she was just happy to find something Hayden was doing wrong.

Mr. Fox came over a few moments later and gestured for Brian to follow him.
He did it every few days and Hayden assumed it was for a drug test. She couldn’t help but to notice the way Brian seemed to sink. However, he got up and followed his father back into his office where the door was soundly shut.

Pam immediately jumped up and hurried to Hayden’s desk.

“You stopped being friends with Brine.”

Hayden looked at her in surprise.
She couldn’t believe that this hypocritical she-dog was in her business.

“What are you talking about?
I haven’t stopped anything. And besides, why do you care?”

Pam wouldn’t meet her eyes.
“Because I remember…” The older woman sighed and shook her head and then returned to her desk.

Hayden stabbed out the number of her next customer into her telephone, but right before it began to ring she hung it up and turned her chair to face Pam.

“What is it that you remember?”

Pam took a long time to acknowledge the question but Hayden waited.
She finally sighed again. “I need a cigarette.” She met Hayden’s eyes. “Care to join me?”

In the filthy, smelly, foul canteen the two women found a table away from others who had come in to chat, smoke or eat.
Mr. Fox didn’t allow the smokers to congregate outside the building. He said it gave a bad impression. Considering the majority of the people that worked at Fox Vinyl, it would definitely appear that a 12-step program was being held here if they were to gather outside…

Pam lit a cigarette, which she retrieved from a large coin purse.
After she had taken a few puffs, she looked at Hayden.

“Me and Brine’s mama were friends.”
She coughed into her hand and Hayden grimaced at the idea of all of the surfaces she would touch with that hand.

“We had worked together down in Dillard at a shipping company and when I came up here years later
, I saw that she had married Robert and had Brine. Evidently it took them a long time to have him. That’s why they treated him so special. Some might describe it as spoiling him, but I don’t agree. He was special because of how hard it was to get him, that’s all.

“Anyway, I didn’t care too much for my job.
I was working customer service at a collection agency and Brine’s mama told me about this new company that Robert was trying to start.” Pam shrugged. “So I started working here. I’d see Brine about once or twice a week. He was ten or eleven and his Daddy would tell him that he had to learn the business because one day, it was going to be his.”

Pam smiled to herself.
“Brine always looked around like this place was more than a rented office space where people down on their luck tried to sale ad space on phonebook covers.  Robert would sit him with me so I could teach him how to be a telemarketer and Brine actually made sales, even as a kid. He wouldn’t take none of the commission though.” She had a distant look on her face.

“He just let it go to me.
So I’d tuck a few dollars in his pocket just in case his Daddy wouldn’t let him have the commission out of politeness but he’d say, ‘no Miss Pam. That’s yours for training me.’”

Hayden didn’t know if she believed that Pam was responsible for Brian’s knowledge
, but she listened intently and after a moment Pam’s smile fell away.

“
One day, Brine’s mama died of cancer. They didn’t tell the kid just how sick his mama was until it was at the very end, so it was extra hard on him.  He’d still come in here, but he was different. Just… not happy at all.” Pam coughed and her mouth turned down in displeasure.

“Robert married one of the girls here two years later.
And even though he didn’t talk to me about it, I know Brine didn’t like it.” Pam stared at Hayden.  “And that’s what I remember.”

Hayden was quiet as she absorbed the story with its abrupt endi
ng.  Finally, she shrugged. “He turned to drugs in his grief, but he also stole from his own father’s company.”

Pam nodded.
“He was in charge of the print and distribution of the covers. Instead of sending out thirty-thousand, he would send out twenty-five-thousand and pocket the difference. And when his addiction cost more than his pay and the amount that he was syphoning from the company, he started distributing less and less covers. It went on for several years and then it got suspicious.

“
His workers knew he was an addict, but when it all came out, Brian took the blame. He didn’t try to pin it on anyone else. Robert was devastated. He had no idea and so he just tucked Brine away into rehab and handled the fallout himself. Brine got out of rehab and within a few months, he was using again.

“Robert’s second wife was fit to be tied and wanted him to cut Brine off.
So he did and Brine went away for a while. When he came back, he told his daddy that he was clean. There are some trust issues I’m sure. But Robert took him back and of course everyone expects him to fail, even Robert. But Brine has this… look on his face that he’s never had before. It’s like that look you had when you walked in the door that first day.”

Hayden’s brow furrowed as she gave Pam a confused look.

“It was a fierce look. Like… you already knew that this was just another hurdle. They call it determination, I guess. But that’s how Brine looked when he came back this last time. Even though everybody is waiting for him to mess up, he hasn’t. Whatever happened when he went away that last time straightened him out.”

The two women sat quietly for a few more moments before Pam made to stand and return to work.

“Pam.”

The older woman paused.

“Why did you set me up to fail?”

Pam stared at her.
“Because I don’t know or care about you.”

That answer offended and angered Hayden.
How dare this woman act like Hayden should be a better person, when she failed to apply that same standard to herself?

“You care about Fox Vinyl, don’t you?
Because you sure care a whole hell of a lot when Mr. Fox is around,” Hayden snapped.

Pam didn’t seem phased by her irritation.
“I’ve been here for so many years and faces come and faces go. No one stays here more than three or four months, just a handful of us have been around since the beginning. But mostly people just come and go, year in and year out.

“In the beginning you teach them everything and they still do what they want, or they move on to something different.
And finally, you just tell them enough for them to either decide to quit right then and there or… if they give a damn then they will make an effort to figure out the rest.”

Pam got up and walked away.
Hayden sat there a moment longer before she headed back to her own desk as well. Brian was writing a sale on the board. He wore a tired expression and Hayden pursed her lips and walked up to him.

“Are you going to collect the bonus this round?”

He gave her a surprised look before shaking his head. “No.”

They bo
th knew that he could win it. Yet she figured that if he did he just wouldn’t accept the money.

She nodded and suddenly wanted to tell him that she was sorry for judging him and for her unfriendly behavior.
However, those were not words that people said out loud; they just do things to make amends for their bad behavior instead.  So Hayden looked away and then looked back at Brian, meeting his eyes.  She wouldn’t be like that, not in this throwaway year when everything she did was supposed to be the right thing to do.

“Brian, I heard about what happened to you and I behaved pretty badly
because of it. I mean, I wasn’t very friendly to you afterwards and I want to apologize to you for that.”

He seemed surprised by her confession.
“Hayden, it’s okay. I truly don’t expect much.”

His cynical response saddened her.
  “Brian, I train myself to focus on positive thoughts so the fruits produced by my subconscious are ripe and rich instead of weeds that devour and swallow.”

He stared at her as if she was insane.

Amused, she explained. “It’s a self-affirmation. I say them daily. This is one I used to say at the beginning when I was struggling with… well, with my own problems.”

The confused look cleared from his face.
“Say it again?” he asked.  She repeated it and Brian raised his brow and nodded.

“Okay.”

When she returned to her desk, she caught Pam’s eyes and the other woman nodded in acknowledgment.

~***~

The Jazz Festival came and went. Briefly, Hayden thought about the fact that MyKell was there with someone else, listening to Frankie Beverly singing about “Joy and Pain,” and holding someone else in his arms as they swayed to the music.  Then the moment ended, and she moved on.  A few days later, Brian got up and stood by her desk. When she looked up at him he spoke.

“I am more than my past, my mistakes, my faults, my circumstances, my struggles, or my diseases.
I am a magnificent totality of imperfect parts only beautified by my choices, bravery and impact.”

Marcus
, who was do-wopping to some invisible song in his head, stopped cold in the middle of a do and a wop. He looked at Brian and then Hayden and then seemed to recoil slightly before continuing on to his marijuana break.

Hayden ignored Marcus and just nodded enthusiastically at Brian.
“That is a good one! I need that one too.”

Brian agreed that it was one of the better af
firmations that he had learned.

“So which
one do you have for the day?” he asked her.

“Today’s is:
‘I feel. Deeply. Powerfully. Fully. I am gifted with the strength and power of my abundant feelings.’”

“Nice.”
He pulled out his cell phone. “I’ll text it to you, and then you send me yours. What’s your number?”

“Oh good idea!”
She pulled out her cell phone and the two exchanged numbers and then affirmations.

A while later
, her cell phone rumbled and she checked it.

“Question?”

It was Brian. She looked up and across the aisle at him, but he was talking on the phone and not paying attention to her. Okay…

She tapped out a response.

“Yes?”

“Why do you eat your dinner in your car every night?”

Her face felt warm. It wasn’t an optimum situation, but she had no choice but to have dinner on the run. She generally finished her meal in the parking lot before coming inside.  How would he know anyway? He was already inside by the time her shift started.

“What?
You must be talking about someone else.”

“Why don’t you eat inside?”

“Okay, why are you texting me these questions?”

“Because I’m supposed to be working.”

“Wait, are you on the phone with a customer?”

“Nope.”