The Throwaway Year (12 page)

That wouldn’t normally be strange, after all, it was a strip mall
parking lot. However, she’d been working in this building for months before being employed by Fox Vinyl, so she was used to getting here at 6:00 P.M. to start cleaning the top floor offices. Then each and every night, she had been forced to return to her car to wait impatiently for Fox Vinyl to empty. So Hayden knew for a fact that there hadn’t ever been any other cars parked with men sitting in them at that time. This was a recent development.

She suspected dru
g sales were discreetly being done here and by people other than Marcus. Covington was a hotbed of drug activity.  Marcus hurried ahead of her to open the door to the building. He didn’t smell like weed at the moment, so she figured he stayed with pills until it was dark enough to hide his smoking activities.

“Mmmm.
That smells good,” he said while staring her coolly in the eye. “What makes some men lucky enough to get the special treatment? And more importantly, how do I get that service?”

She bristled at the cold look on his face.
She also didn’t care for his words and innuendo. “My
friends
know the answer to those questions,” she responded, giving him the same cool look.

His mouth turned up into a quick smile.
“I’m just playing with you.”  Then he laughed before he pimp walked back to his desk, being very obnoxious about it.

Buffoon…  Hayden
headed to the canteen and when Brian saw her, he began rubbing his hands together in anticipation for his turkey dinner. She couldn’t stop the giggle that fell from her lips.

Over the weeks he had filled out considerably and looked healthy the way he must have been pre-addiction.
He had apparently caught some rays because his once pale skin glowed with a golden tan and his blondish brown hair was now blonder than brown.  He still wore long sleeved shirts; mostly polo style and she wished that he wasn’t ashamed to show his arms with their evidence of his past addiction. However, that was something he had to do in his own time.

“I got you the green beans and mashed potatoes with brown gravy.”

“Green beans?”

“Well yeah.
What? You want the turnip greens instead?”

“I hate vegetables; except for mashed potatoes or coleslaw.
Or corn on the cob. Oh and relish.”

She sat down and shook her head.
“But that’s turkey and dressing. You can’t go without a veggie!”

He shook his head.
“It’s not Thanksgiving. You only have to eat veggies with turkey and dressing on Thanksgiving Day.”

Hayden began to mix her gravy and dressing together.
“Brian, the only reason that you don’t like veggies is because you’ve never eaten any that I’ve cooked. You probably eat that canned stuff.”

She took a bite of food savoring the flavor of each side dish piled on her fork.
“I make this smothered cabbage with onions and bacon. It’s
so
good.” She reached for a corn muffin—only one allowed. “With meatloaf, it’s heavenly.”

Brian wasn’t eating
right now; he was just watching her as she talked with food pooching out one cheek, expertly keeping everything inside of her moving mouth.  “Yes. I’m game, I guess. When?”

“When?”
She squinted.

“When are you going to show me how to make it?
Sunday is a good day for me. Then you can come over and I’ll do all the cooking if you do all the teaching. Just write out a list of ingredients and I’ll pick them up when I go grocery shopping.”

She crooked her head at him, b
ut he was serious.  “You want me to come to your house and cook?”

“No silly
woman. I want you to come to my house and show me how to cook it. I want you to sit down and rest or something.”

Then h
e turned his attention back to his food, obviously ignoring the green beans.  Hayden looked at him periodically, suspiciously.

~***~

The next day while at her first job, Hayden’s cell phone vibrated announcing a new text message had been delivered.  She discreetly checked her cell phone while talking to a customer. Cell phone use during work was a strict no-no.

It was from Brian.
She began reading it while her customer continued to explain in detail something that she didn’t care about and didn’t need to know. She let the woman ramble on while she read.

“Family may misunderstand me
, but kindred spirits abound and I trust that my soul sought the home it needed for growth, expansion, lessons unlearned, mysteries unsolved, and elevations yet unknown.”

Hayden gasped.

“Excuse me?” Her customer paused.

“Oh, I mean I believe I have enough information.
Ma’am, may I place you on hold to research?”

“Research?
What are you going to research?”

“Just a minute…
uh… we have some new procedures.” Hayden quickly pressed hold on her phone and then re-read the message. 
What the-?
Hayden looked frantically over at Dani, but she was busy talking to her own customer. Oh crap, did this affirmation mean what she thought it did?

“Wow,”
she texted back.
“That’s a very good one.” 
She waited a few moments, but he didn’t text anything else.
Oh crap, my customer!

“Sorry about the hold ma’am…”
Oh what in the hell had they been talking about?

By the time Hayden arrived at her second job
, she was very frazzled and knew that she was acting as awkward as she felt.  “So, I got us Italian wedding soup… with the meatballs,” she said. Then she hurried into the canteen where Brian was waiting with her expensive water and his can of soda.

“Mmmm
, good.”

She bumped her cup of soup and if Br
ian hadn’t grabbed it, she would’ve lost the entire thing instead of the small amount that splashed onto the table.  “Oh damn!” She jumped up to get paper napkins.

“Hold on, I still got napkins over here from cleaning the table.”
Brian wiped up the mess. “Sit down, I got it.”

She took her seat again and reached for her bottled water and tipped it over instead.
Luckily she hadn’t opened it yet.  “Oh damn!”

Brian gave her a curious look.
“Hayden calm down, I got it. Did you have a bad day?”

“Oh…” Hayden’s eyes met his and locked.
For some reason she couldn’t look away.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded quickly.

Brian began eating his soup
, and a moment later she did the same.

“So what’s your affirmation today?”

“Oh…” she said again and he looked at her.

“You didn’t text yours back to me.”

“Mine is…” she struggled to bring the words to mind. “Be filled with wonder. Be touched by peace.”

He stared at her.
His eyes were so…

“Beautiful,” Brian said.

Her eyes flitted away before she allowed her gaze to meet his again, and it was like a gentle caress that did something to her stomach and made her breathing difficult.  He smiled slowly and then returned to eating his soup.  Hayden ate the rest of her soup, but she didn’t feel like smiling. Not one bit.

~***~

That night as Hayden lay in bed; she tossed and turned trying not to think of the affirmation that kept rolling through her mind. She punched her pillow and then spoke the words mentally, angrily, already knowing what she had to do.

My need to be comfortable isn’t as important as living in my truth.

She picked up her cell phone and began to text Brian.

Todd gave Hayden a curious look as they ran on the treadmills side-by-side. Finally he stopped his and climbed down. Then he pressed the controls to slow Hayden’s. She looked at him in surprise for a moment before it came to a complete stop.

“Are you okay?” h
e asked.

“What?”

“You’ve been running hard for nearly the entire time. What happened to intervals?”

“I was?”
She couldn’t believe that, but she had been so deep in thought that she had forgotten to switch down to a fast walk. She didn’t even realize that she could run like that without even feeling it.  For a moment, she put aside the thoughts that had been nagging her this morning. Besides, the conversation that she’d had with Brian last night was bad enough without continuing to rehash it.

“Fifty K here I come!” s
he said with forced enthusiasm.

“Yes, you’
re doing better than good. Bad news though, this weekend I won’t be able to meet you at the park. My shift at the fire station takes up both days this weekend.”

“Oh
, that’s fine.” She tried not to sound disappointed. She had grown to enjoy her time in the park with Kevin and Todd. The little boy was hungry to prove himself to his stepfather.

Hayden especially
enjoyed watching Todd freak out when Kevin got on the rocks over the creek or when he jumped a pole and missed, falling face first and busting his lip. Todd looked like he would pass out. He would have carried the boy back to the truck, but a short time later, Kevin was up and running around again.

Todd had just looked at her in anguish.
“I don’t think I’m going to survive being a father.”

Yeah, she would miss them this weekend.

“Well, you have to work, but that doesn’t mean the partnership has to stop. I can pick up Kevin and we’ll train without you.”

Todd smiled at her and shook his head.
“We live too far away. We can make it up, though.”

“Alright.
Well I’ll still be there same time same place.”

He nodded.
“I know you will. You’re doing good Hayden.”

She
started to roll her eyes, but then stopped herself. “Thanks Todd.”

~***~

As Hayden parked in the lot of Fox Vinyl, she wished she could just turn her car around and go back home so that she wouldn’t have to face Brian tonight. Last night’s conversation had been bad, but even worse than the conversation had been the implications that had gone unspoken.  Last night she had done the stupidest thing imaginable and she wished with all her heart that she could take it back.

~***~

Hayden had picked up her cell phone last night. She sent a quick text to Brian.

“I can’t sleep.”

Almost immediately, she received a response even though it was well after 1:00 A.M.

“Why?”

“Because I have something on my mind and… I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Can I help?”

“I think so. It’s a question I have for you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I need to know something. Brian, are you attracted to me?”

There was a long pause.
It was so long that she wondered if he had turned off his phone or something.

Five long minutes after asking the question a text came through.

“Hayden. I’m not.”

Her face burned as she read the words.

“I mean, we’re friends and of course I care about you, but it’s not like that. For me, attraction is what develops after I know someone as a friend.”

Hayden put down her phone and climbed out of bed, pacing back and forth as she covered her mouth.
Oh my god… what have I done?

Brian must think she was a nutcase. After all
, they were friends who knew the worst about each other. They could pal around, eat dinner together and then one day she looked into his eyes and felt something that went deeper than friendship; all because she had confused his attention for something more.

There were tears of regret in her eyes and she wiped them and returned to the phone where she began to read the rest of his texts.
  He sent a few of them in succession that she didn’t answer:

“I’m not saying that it wouldn’t happen at some point in the future. But
…”

“Are you there?”

“I’m really sorry Hayden. This is really a shitty time in my life and maybe we should both focus on just moving to a better place within ourselves.”

“Hayden?”

“Look, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

That last message had been sent a minute ago.
She quickly responded.

“I just didn’t want there to be any confusion, that’s all.
We’re just friends. Nothing more.”

“Okay.
You had me worried there for a minute,”
came his response.