The Thief Who Stole Midnight (6 page)

"Oh, thank God. I want to report a robbery." Maddie said, as Mike filmed the call.

"What's missing?" a young-sounding male voice asked her.

"Well, nothing. Nothing's missing."

"Great," the cop said. Then, Maddie heard him say -- muffled, like he had his hand over the receiver. "We got another fruit loop."

"I'm not a fruit loop!" Maddie said. "That's offensive. I want to speak to your boss."

Instead, the cop laughed and hung up on her.

She looked at Mike, shocked. But Mike just motioned at her to keep going. So, she dialed again. This time she got a lady cop. The lady cop didn't laugh, she just hung up.

"This is why the crime rate in Chicago is so high," Maddie yelled at the phone. "You call the cops to report a crime in progress and they laugh at you." Then she sighed and started dialing again.

"Put it on speaker," Mike said. "I want to get audio."

So, Maddie put it on speaker and went through the automated system again. While she waited, she started chopping up the veggies that Mike had deserted on the counter.

Finally, she got through to a stressed-out sounding, older male cop. In the background, there was all kinds of noise. Hollering voices, tooting party favors. But it didn't sound like the cops were holding a party. It sounded more like they had arrested a party that was still going on, in full swing.

"This is Maddie Keyes," Maddie said.

"Jesus, lady. Again?"

"Yes, again," Maddie snapped. "Remember that burglar who robbed my apartment? He's still here. Sleeping in our
bed
."

"Dead to the world," Mike yelled.

Maddie glared at him.

"What?! He is!" Mike protested.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," The voice on the phone said. "You got a dead burglar on your bed? That's different. You didn't tell us you killed the guy. Hold on a sec. Let me get the number for the coroner. When you call, ask them to send out a meat wagon."

"He's not dead!" Maddie screamed. "You think we'd kill him and then call the cops? What kind of people do you take us for? He's snoring like a buzz-saw."

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Mike added, jumping into the conversation. "But dead people tend to be quiet sleepers."

There was silence on the phone for a long second. Then the cop said, "Are you kidding me? I don't know what's wrong with you people, but I'm not in the mood for pranks tonight."

"It's not a prank." Maddie turned to Mike and hissed, "Would you stop?! You're not helping."

Over the phone, they could hear a crash, followed by a scream of pain.

"I have freaking Armageddon going on over here," the cop snapped. "Why don't you go annoy the Fire Department instead?"

"We have this conversation on tape. We're making a documentary," Mike yelled. "Cameras are rolling as we speak. So, if you don't get out here now and pick up our burglar, your ineptness is going to be documented on video."

There was a muffled sound, like someone putting their hand over the phone, and they heard the cop saying, "It's not enough we got a station house full of nuts, I gotta couple cashews on the phone who think they're the next Spielberg."

"We're not nuts!" Maddie yelled. She was getting tired of being called crazy. "Is this call being taped? I want your boss to hear it. Heck, I'll come down to the station house with a copy of the footage that we're taping right now. You people are completely unprofessional. I want your name and your badge number."

The cop turned back to the phone. "Lady, we're busy. It's New Year's frickin Eve, for crissakes."

"Yes, I know. But there's a
burglar
asleep in our bed," Maddie said.

"So you say. You know how many law-breakers I have on my hands who are awake?"

"Would it kill you to drive over and check it out?" Mike said. "We pay your salaries."

"We have four homicides, ten armed robberies in progress and alarms going off all over the city. We have more drunk and disorderlies than Wisconsin has cheese. Snoozing burglars aren't tops on the priority list tonight."

"So what are we supposed to do with him?" Maddie snapped.

"I know how you reality TV people work. Go wake up your actor... I mean, burglar, tell him that he's not getting his 15 minutes of fame tonight and that he can go home. Better luck tomorrow."

"He's not an actor!" Maddie screamed.

"Then lock the bedroom door and go out for a drink. We'll have someone there in a couple hours. Three, tops."

"Three hours?! The station is down the street. We could carry him there in fifteen minutes," Mike yelled.

"Knock yourselves out."

Maddie took the phone off speaker and put it to her ear. "What if he was about to shoot me in the head? How long would it take you to get here, then?"

She listened. "Well, that's one way to cut down on over-population," she snapped, ending the call and tossing the phone on the table.

"What? What did he say?" Mike asked.

"He said he knows where we live and if we call again they'll charge us with a misdemeanor."

They both looked at each other, frustrated.

Then Mike looked up at the clock. "What time did you say your parents were gonna get here?"

Maddie followed his gaze. "Oh, crap." It was twenty to nine. And their apartment was half-organized and half in the throws of Hurricane Snooz-O.

CHAPTER TEN

They rushed into the living room and started cleaning and straightening like the Devil was at their backs. Mike threw a bunch of crap into a box and shoved it into the back of the closet.

Just when he thought they were getting things under control, Maddie started nagging him about how they should sign up for classes down at the shooting range. So he had to stop what he was doing and pay attention to her. Because heaven forbid that a spouse gets caught not listening.

"We have a baby. We need to start thinking about security." Maddie said, ending her rant.

"And security is you with a gun? I don't think so," Mike replied.

"Why not?" Maddie said, hands on her hips. "Why shouldn't I have a gun?"

"You're a mom. Moms don't carry guns. It's just a fact."

"According to whom? Folks Who Carry Guns dot com?"

"The National Association of Motherhood," Mike snapped at her.

"At least I can handle a paintball gun without shooting myself in the foot," she snapped back.

Mike glared at her. The woman had a memory like a freaking elephant. "That was one time! One time. And it wasn't my fault."

But Maddie just snorted.

"You wanna know why women and guns are so wrong? P.M.S. There is no lock strong enough." Mike said, picking up another box full of stuff and stuffing it in the closet.

"You are so sexist," Maddie said.

"I'm not sexist, I'm a bleeder."

Mike started dumping more stuff in a third box. Maddie was still glaring at him, like he was supposed to come up with an answer.

"Okay," Mike said. "I have an idea. Why don't we gather together all the crap we don't want, put it in his bag and dump them both by the dumpster behind the El station? We can claim it on our homeowner's.
Badda-bing, badda-boom,
he wakes up, takes the El home, we have a nice fat check and we buy stuff we like. Genius, right?"

Maddie snorted. "
Badda-bing, badda-boom,
we go to jail for insurance fraud and collusion."

"You just have to rain on my brainstorm parade, don't you?" Mike sighed.

Maddie went back to shelving books. "How much time do we have left?"

Mike looked at his watch. "Fifteen minutes."

"Heaven help us," she said, "if my mom finds out what's going on." Then she gave a shudder. Thinking about it, Mike gave a shudder too.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Back at the tavern, Nick and Rio were finishing their steaks, when Taki and Irini walked up, holding the baby carrier.

"Well, look who's here," Irini said. She handed the carrier off to Taki and hugged both of them.

"Thea Irini, look at you. Beautiful as ever." Nick said, kissing her on the cheek.

Thea
meant
Aunt
in Greek. Nick and Maddie were cousins, and Irini always got a kick out of Nick's flattery. She was practically preening.

"Listen to you, such a charming talker," Irini cackled, pinching him on the cheek.

"
Pseftis eineh
," muttered Taki.

Rio started laughing. She had been around Maddie enough to know that Taki had just called Nick a liar.

Irini glared at Taki. "You could take lessons from him."

Rio interrupted, trying to derail the argument before it started. "Look how big Sophie's getting! Is that a tooth?"

Irini smiled, proudly. "Two teeth. We're already running out of time."

"For what?" Nick asked.

Irini looked at him like he was an idiot. "To get on a waiting list for the right preschool. If little Sophie doesn't get into the right preschool, we can kiss Yale goodbye."

Nick and Rio looked at each other, and Taki rolled his eyes.

"Are you kids going to Maddie's for the big party?" Taki asked.

"Wouldn't miss it," Rio said.

"We should share a taxi. Save some money." Taki said.

Irini was too busy cooing at the baby to say much of anything.

"I'll do you one better," Nick stood up and drained his beer. "It'll be my treat."

As they left the tavern, a taxi was just pulling up to let a group of scantily-clad partygoers out, clutching faux mink coats. They stopped and watched as they shimmied their way past, in wickedly sharp heels and short, sequined dresses.

Irini shook her head. "In my day, women didn't dress like that unless they were professional street walkers."

"More's the pity," Taki muttered.

"Fuck me and call me a duck. I think I just swallowed my tongue," Nick whispered in Rio's ear.

Rio nodded, her eyes glued on the swaying derrieres.

"Hey, lady!" snapped the cab driver. "You people getting in, or what? Meter's ticking."

Irini was the first one to recover from their mini-stupor. "Come on, move it you two. We don't want to be late."

Nick and Rio exchanged a look. Like they were the ones holding everything up.

Within seconds, Irini had managed to not only block their view of the girls, but also shove all of them into the cab. The woman was scarily efficient.

Rio glanced at her watch and hoped that Mike and Maddie were ready for the in-law invasion.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Meanwhile, Mike and Maddie were running around like crazy, getting everything ready for the party. They had finished putting all the non-broken items away, tossing out the broken stuff and vacuuming everything in sight, just in case there were glass splinters anywhere.

Maddie was in the kitchen, getting the cheese platter out of the fridge, when she realized they were out of champagne.

"We can't have New Year's without champagne!" Maddie moaned.

"I'll get my coat," Mike said, swiping a chunk of Swiss.

"Oh, no you don't," she said, appalled. "You are not leaving me alone with Snooz-O the Bandit."

"All right. I'll get
your
coat."

"Mike! I can't leave. I have to get everything ready for the party. They'll be here any minute."

Mike sighed. "Fine. I'll get the burglar's coat. He can go. He should be back in time for our anniversary."

Maddie glared at him. "You're not helping."

Mike shrugged. "I'm running out of options."

Maddie looked like she was about to smack him with the cheese tray when there was a yell from the bedroom.

Mike and Maddie rushed to the bedroom. The burglar was thrashing on the bed, clearly in the middle of a nightmare. Maddie's makeshift ties were strained to the max, trying to hold him. Her hand reached for the frying pan, but she had left it in the kitchen. She looked around for a weapon, but all she saw was the can of hairspray that Mike had left on the dresser.

Suddenly, the burglar's eyes snapped open.

He looked at them and screamed.

Mike and Maddie screamed back, like a reflex, before they could stop it.

The burglar screamed again.

"Stop." Maddie said, grabbing the can of hairspray off the dresser and holding it out like a weapon. "Stop screaming and no one gets hurt."

Mike dropped into a kung-fu position.

"Don't you make a move," Maddie told the burglar. "He's a black belt in karate."

Mike made a karate-like sound and shifted into a different position.

"What the hell?" The burglar spluttered, pulling at his bonds. Then he looked at them, wide-eyed. "Who the hell are you people?"

Since the makeshift bonds were still holding, Mike cautiously went back to a normal stance. "Since you're the burglar, I believe that makes us the burglees. You're not very good at this, are you?" Mike said. "Ever think about finding another line of work?"

The burglar sniffed. "I used to have a real job. I was a Greyhound bus driver. Until I got fired."

"I can't imagine why," Maddie said, drily.

"Yeah. It was a great two weeks," the burglar sighed. And then he fell asleep and stared snoring again.

Maddie took coats and sweaters out of the closet and used them to cover up the burglar.

"What are you doing?" Mike asked.

"Camouflaging him," Maddie said. "In case my mom pokes her head in here."

"So instead of seeing a tied-up, snoring burglar, she's going to see a snoring mound of clothes? Don't you think she'll know something is up?"

"You're right. We have to gag him." Maddie said.

Mike shook his head. "With the kind of sleep apnea he has? He could choke and die."

Maddie looked at Mike, perplexed. "He's a
criminal
."

"He's still a person." Mike said.

"No," Maddie said, shaking her head. "All personhood claims went out the window the moment he broke into our place. What if my mom sees him in here? How am I supposed to explain a stranger tied up in our bedroom?"