The Thief Who Stole Midnight
Read The Thief Who Stole Midnight Online
Authors: Christiana Miller
The Thief Who Stole Midnight
Christiana Miller
HekaRose Publishing electronic publication date: January 2013
Electronic 2nd Edition
Copyright © 2012 Christiana Miller
All rights reserved.
This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the writer's imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locales or organizations is entirely coincidental.
The Thief Who Stole Midnight
Copyright © 2012, 2013 Christiana Miller
www.christianamiller.com
Edited by: Tana Panagopoulos
Cover Art by:
Littera Book Designs
HekaRose Publishing
www.hekarose.com
All Rights Are Reserved.
No part of this book may be used or reproduced without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
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THE THIEF WHO STOLE MIDNIGHT
A farcical romp from the bestselling author of
Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead
.
Mike and Maddie, a young couple with a new baby, are rushing home to prepare for their first family New Year's Eve party. When they arrive, however, they're shocked to find their apartment has been robbed. Even worse, the burglar is still there -- sound asleep on their bed!
But it's New Year's in Chicago, which means that they're on a wait list for the cops and Maddie's anti-Chicago, pro-suburbs family is due to arrive any minute. So Mike and Maddie tie up the burglar and hide him in their room, hoping to fake their way through the party until midnight.
When Mike's born-again Wiccan grandmother unexpectedly shows up with her new boy-toy husband, things go from weird to wacky. Then, when the cops arrive right before midnight and arrest Mike and Maddie for unlawful detainment and kidnapping, things go from wacky to worse.
Soon, Mike, Maddie and Maddie's best friend, Rio, are down at the police station, each pleading their view of events, about the New Year's Eve party that none of them will ever forget.
DEDICATION
To my mom, Helen, and to my big, wacky Greek family -- yes, that's right, I'm talking about you, Christina, Dina, Jimmy, Nicki, K.J., Zoe, Noah, Christopher, Ana, Michelle, Rochelle, Sammy, John, Ismini, Koula, Tom, Niko, Dina, Telly and everyone back in Greece -- for filling my life with story material.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Big THANK YOU's go to:
The crew at Backspace and to everyone who participated in the title competition, especially the winners, Keith Cronin and J.E. Taylor, whose titles were combined for this story. You guys are awesome!
And a huge thank you to Lou Ann Warren, Rachal Bales, Bobbie Sue Ramsey and Natalie Bonnan-Moriarty for being part of the posse and for combing the manuscript for editing faux pas. I don't know what I would have done without you!
Also, to all my fans, friends and family, for keeping me smiling during a trying time. Especially Troy, Steph, Gail, Mark, Stephanie, Colin, Marty, Julie, Skippy, Griffin, Mark, Niki & AwenRose. You've all been lifesavers. I hope you get a chuckle or two out of this story.
And, most of all, to my friend Rio, who's been my unintentional muse and stalwart friend since we met in college, and whose very cool name I appropriated for my character. You rock, girlfriend!
Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead
(excerpt)
It was New Year's Eve, Chicago-style. Which meant loud, raucous and cold. Forget New York, Chicago was the city that never slept. Mainly because if it ever did, everyone would freeze to death. The wind chills coming off Lake Michigan could be brutal.
Don't get me wrong -- I've always loved Chicago. It's a city where the bizarre is normal, the dead lead active social and political lives, and crime is inventive. But the weather's gotta be some kind of karmic payback.
But this story isn't about me. It's about my friends, Mike and Maddie, who live in Chicago, and the New Year's Eve party that almost destroyed their marriage.
Mike and Maddie had one of those marriages that could make your blood sugar spike. He adored her, she adored him, and after their white-picket-fence wedding, they were blessed by a pink-cheeked baby. So who could blame them for thinking that
happily ever after
was what was going to come next.
Of course, as any parent knows, what actually did come next were sleepless nights, sex as a distant memory and the inevitable invasion of the in-laws.
On this particular New Year's Eve, Maddie's parents had descended earlier in the evening, hoping to baby-nap Sophie for a few hours. Although they called it
getting quality bonding time
with their granddaughter. Since Mike and Maddie needed time to get ready for the New Year's Eve party they were hosting, it turned out to be a win-win all around.
Well, that's what Mike and Maddie were supposed to be doing. Instead, they snuck out for a romantic evening together -- their first since Sophie had been born. And who could blame them? Although, if it was me, my first taste of freedom, I would have been high-tailing it to a spa for some quality alone time. But then, I've never been as stupidly in love as Mike and Maddie were.
Honestly, with the way those two were always so kissy-face with each other, I was shocked that they didn't just go straight into the bedroom for hours of wild monkey sex. Going anywhere with them was embarrassing. Parties, dinners, movies, no matter where they were, they were attached at the lips. You never knew where to look.
But what Maddie missed most wasn't the sex -- make of
that
what you will -- it was the ooey-gooey, double-thick, deep-dish pizza at Zeke's Tavern. So, that's where they went, for pizza, a pitcher of sangria and a game of pool. Afterwards, they took the elevated train back to Wrigleyville. It was while they were walking home that their evening really started going haywire.
It was still snowing when Mike and Maddie got off the El train. Earlier in the day, the flakes had been big and wet, the kind that melted the minute they landed. However, as the temperature dropped, the wetness on the ground soon turned to ice. Now, the ice was covered with snow, making the sidewalk slippery and tricky to maneuver.
Mike pulled his gloves out of his pocket, and a wadded up bunch of brochures fell out onto the snow-covered curb. He picked them up and shook them at Maddie. "Your mom's sent me every brochure ever printed about the suburbs. Northbrook, Oak Brook, Downer's Grove, Wilmette, Skokie. I don't know if she wants us to move or open a travel agency," he said, dropping the brochures in a nearby trash bin and pulling his gloves on.
Maddie rolled her eyes. She knew how pushy her mom could be when she got her mind set on something. "She's just worried about her granddaughter."
"Why? Chicago's a great place to raise a kid. We have everything -- museums, theater, art, culture, the Cubs. It's not like we live next to a crack den in Uptown. We're in freaking Wrigleyville, for cripe's sake. It doesn't get much safer than that."
Maddie was inclined to agree with him, until she spotted a massively overweight, drunk Baby New Year, running down the sidewalk, wearing only an oversized baby bonnet and diaper, and carrying a wallet.
She instinctively grabbed Mike's arm.
Mike started laughing. "I can't believe they make diapers that big. I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks."
Baby New Year slid on a patch of ice, his arms windmilling. For a second, it looked like he was going down. But he flailed around until he got his feet back underneath him and he started running again.
In the distance, a lanky old man was half-hopping, half-running down the sidewalk behind Baby New Year, periodically waving his cane in the air and hollering.
Mike whipped his gloves off, took out his cell phone and started recording. "This is priceless."
As the old man got closer, they could hear what he was saying: "Stop, thief! He stole my wallet!"
Maddie smacked Mike's arm. "What's wrong with you? Go help him."
"No way. This is Chicago. Getting involved in the middle of crimes could get you shot." Mike said, as he continued filming.
"You said Wrigleyville was safe."
"Safe is a relative term. Besides, this way, we'll have video to show the cops. They can use it to ID the guy. Or we can sell it to the news, if they do something exciting."
"When did you become so mercenary?" Maddie said, exasperated.
Just then, Mike's phone died. "Crap. My battery's dead. Do you have your phone?"