The Stranger Inside (26 page)

Baby steps.

I sighed, then ran upstairs, anxious to start researching Dr Burk, the phone therapist. I flipped open my laptop then spent the next hour finding mixed reviews—he was a scam artist/he was a miracle worker. Ugh! I’d desperately just wanted to find the miracle worker stuff. The other gave me a sinking heart. And a headache.

Still … some people swore by him.

When I finally got off the Internet, I went downstairs. Mom was in the kitchen, rifling through paperwork at the table. She looked anxious, sitting at the edge of her seat and I knew she was waiting for Craig so they could rush back to the office for another “emergency.”

I was hesitant to ask if I could borrow her car, but then glad I did. She actually gave me permission. I couldn’t believe it. She never let me drive it before, ever. But when I told her I was going to take some soup over to Sawyer’s because he was sick, she sighed distractedly.

“Tell him I hope he gets feeling better,” she murmured, her nose in a document.

“Ready.” Craig bustled out of the study in a frenzy, as usual, carrying a stack of faxes and a cup of coffee, muttering something about hoping “this won’t take all night.”

Mom made a noise of agreement as she stuffed her paperwork into her briefcase.

“There’s take-out in the fridge,” she told me as she and Craig hurried out the front door, going back to the office. Yep, another “emergency.”

Shock.

Not.

When I got to Sawyer’s, he seemed to be doing better. A lot better, actually. His room didn’t smell like sickness anymore, and he wasn’t asleep when I got there. Not like yesterday. Yesterday he slept all day. Today he was lying on the couch, playing video games with Micah.

“Hey, Jodi,” Micah said, hopping to his feet when he saw me. “I’m going to take off.”

“No stay,” I said, showing him my soup. “There’s plenty.”

Micah smiled as he backed away towards the door. “No, that’s okay. It smells good, but I think Sawyer wants to be alone with you.” He grinned. “Actually, I know he does.”

Once Micah left, Sawyer eyed me. “Jeremy came by to see me.”

“Yeah?” My palms instantly started sweating, thinking about Jeremy’s kindness today. How it had felt like electricity shooting through my body every time he put his hand on the small of my back, guiding me to my classes; and how his warm hands had gently squeezed mine in support after Lindsey’s Kenzie-bomb at lunch.

I swallowed, trying to unspaz. I knew Jeremy didn’t tell Sawyer any of those things. Jeremy had no idea what he did to my heart—or anyway, he wouldn’t tell Sawyer. I folded my hands together so I wouldn’t fidget, but then I had to pace.

It was frustrating Jeremy could do that to me—how just hearing his name got me all agitated and my heart pumping wild. Ugh. “What did you two talk about?—Did he tell you Kenzie came to visit him last night—because he sure didn’t tell me.”

“Yeah.” Sawyer studied me as I paced the floor. “He told me.”

I whipped around to face Sawyer, incensed with Jeremy. Grr! He told Sawyer but wouldn’t tell me? “What’d he say?”

Sawyer rubbed the back of his neck, hesitating, like he was trying to choose his words carefully. “Jodi, Kenzie’s obsessed with Jeremy.” He exhaled. “She kind of has a way of getting what she wants—and she wants Jeremy.”

My heart fell to my shoes. I started pacing again. It was either that or start bawling.

“He should have told me,” I grumbled, like that was the only issue I had with the information. But it wasn’t. Far from it. The whole thing … sucked.

I didn’t want Kenzie with Jeremy—I wanted them far apart. And they had no right to keep information from me. None. What exactly did Kenzie do last night? And did she do it other nights too? Go after Jeremy?

Ugh. If Lindsey hadn’t dropped the bomb about Kenzie last night, I wouldn’t have ever known … unless, maybe, Jeremy was waiting to tell Sawyer first. It seemed he did that—left Sawyer, my boyfriend, to be in charge of me—to tell me bad news.

“He’s just watching out for you,” Sawyer said. “You’re the only girlfriend he’s ever had.” He gave me a wan smile. “He likes you, Jodi.”

A jolt shot through me hearing him say that. I wish he hadn’t said it.

Jeremy was over me—able to move on and just “like” me. Okay, I had to deal with that. But I didn’t trust
my
feelings for Jeremy. Didn’t trust them at all. They were mixed-up and complicated … and extreme. He could break my heart again so easily. Too easily. I wasn’t up for more heartbreak. I just wasn’t. I needed to stay away from him. Far, far away. And somehow make Kenzie stay even further. Seriously. I was too fragile and vulnerable … and crazy. For all I knew, if Jeremy broke my heart again, I’d grab an axe and start hacking people. Maybe I’d do that anyway. Maybe I didn’t even need to be provoked.

I shook away my bloody thoughts, feeling slightly sick. I glanced up at Sawyer, knowing I couldn’t ask him to stay away from Jeremy too. They were best friends. Truly, best friends. To me, that was huge—a best friend. I never had that, someone I could confide all my feelings in. Well, except Jeremy. He had been my best friend, and I
had
confided everything in him. But that was a long time ago. Years. These days, I confided in no one. Ever. But I couldn’t do that to Sawyer—try to make him choose me over his best friend. I was tempted—so tempted—but I wouldn’t.

Being without a best friend was lonely. It sucked.

I kept pacing, Sawyer’s words still echoing in my ears,
He likes you, Jodi.

I tried shaking them off. I made Sawyer roll over and make room for me to curl up beside him on the couch. “Well, I like you.”

“Yeah, but you like him too,” he said softly.

“But I try not to—I don’t want to like him, Sawyer.”

 “Jodi, you can’t choose who you like and don’t like. I appreciate the effort, but you don’t have to make it on my account. I mean, my dad—he lost my mom because he made her choose. I’m not going to do that—I don’t want to lose you.”

Ugh! He had issues. Sharing issues, abandonment issues. Issues, issues, issues. His parents—grrr! I wanted to smack them. Their screwed up relationship screwed
him
up. Bad. For life.

“Oh, my mom’s letter, the one you were asking about?” Sawyer gestured to the paper on the coffee table.

My heart twisted a little.

I reached over for the note. That he kept it all these years was sort of heartbreaking. Especially because all it said was, “Sawyer, I’m sorry I have to go. I love you.”

That was it. All it said. Quick and to the point, as though she had made up her mind she was leaving and she wanted to distance herself from the situation, simply get the formality over because she knew no matter what she said, she would be breaking her son’s heart. Poor Sawyer. I kissed him as he watched me with the letter.

I looked at the note again. You could tell his mom had been crying when she wrote it, bawling. Tear stains covered it. Still, what a harsh, cruel thing to do—leave your child, abandon him, in the middle of the night.

I curled up closer to Sawyer. No wonder he had issues. I wanted to kick his mom’s butt.

 “But the thing about you and Jeremy,” Sawyer said, doggedly holding on to the issue. “I came into this knowing how you felt about each other. So, I kind of forced you into being my girlfriend—or rushed you, anyway. I did that on purpose—totally on purpose. So, you’d kind of be tied to me before you saw Jeremy again. So I’d at least have a chance with you this time.”

He smoothed back my hair. “I just wanted you—to be part of you. But I never expected to win, Jodi—never.” Sawyer wet his lips. “And now, this situation—it’s … I don’t know. You used to be Jeremy’s girlfriend and I totally wanted you. Now you’re
my
girlfriend and he wants you. Bad. He won’t admit it. But he does.”

I shook my head, burrowing my face into Sawyer’s chest. I couldn’t tell him Jeremy said he didn’t love me. Or explain that I knew he didn’t, anyway. That Jeremy avoids me. That he’s never come to the house the whole time I’ve been back. Only that one time and it was to get his dog. And then he’d brought a
girl
with him. A blond.

I couldn’t tell him any of that because I’d choke on my words. Start crying. And I couldn’t do that to Sawyer. Cry to him about my torrid, screwed-up feelings for his best friend.

Sawyer went on, breaking my heart. “But Jodi, Jeremy always gets the girl. Always. He gets them and he doesn’t even want them.”

I closed my eyes. “Exactly. I know.”

“No, you don’t.”

My eyes popped open. Jeez, he was confusing.

He looked at me closely, seeming to be searching for the right words. “Like I said, I came into this knowing how you felt about Jeremy, and how he felt about you.” Sawyer cupped my chin, making me look into his eyes. “You love him Jodi.”

I pressed my face into the curve of his neck, tears welling in my eyes
. I want to love you, Sawyer. It’s you I want to love
. Those were the words I wanted to say, longed to say, but didn’t. Couldn’t. Because they wouldn’t be comforting to him. They would hurt.

But that was how I felt. I wanted to love Sawyer and be normal and happy. With all my heart, I wanted to be strong and stay away from Jeremy. I didn’t want to want him.

Sawyer took me into his arms, held me for a long time, not saying anything. But when he finally did speak, it was about Jeremy again. “You love him, Jodi. Please don’t even try to say you don’t because I see the way you look at him.” Finally, he whispered, “But I’m not going to make you choose—ever. Because look what that got my dad. I’m not going to do that.”

It almost sounded mature—not making someone choose. Almost. But I knew it was coming from a weird place. From his mom leaving him because his dad forced her to choose. He was afraid.

But so was I.

“Sawyer, I don’t love Jeremy. I promise, I don’t. I have twisted, screwed-up feelings for him, but that’s not love.”

I searched for the right words, words that could make him understand—me understand. “It’s an obsession—a sickness, and I don’t want to have it. Jeremy hops from girl to girl. He doesn’t love me—I know for a fact he doesn’t. And when he acts like he does, he’s just—doing what he does.”

Sawyer shook his head. “Jodi, you’re wrong. I know Jeremy, I’ve known him a long time. He’s never had a girlfriend since you left. You’re right, he goes from girl to girl, but not promising them anything. He’s been looking for someone like you—you. But now you’re here, and he’s not going to let you go.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, tingles running through my body. Sawyer had no idea what he was doing to my heart. That he should stop. Right now.

But he went on, sounding reflective. “We told you what he used to do—go after girls that looked like you, then he’d break up with them when they couldn’t
be
you.” He said it again, “Jodi, he’s not going to let you go.” Then he added softly, “Only, neither am I.”

I closed my eyes, squeezed them shut tight, knowing Sawyer was wrong. Dead wrong. Jeremy let me go three years ago. He broke up with me—and he didn’t do it gently. He did it deliberately, cruelly. Only now, suddenly, it seemed I understood why. Why he had been so methodically cold about it—he had done it that way so I wouldn’t write to him anymore, try to pursue him, or be under any kind of false impression we still had a chance.

Obviously, I hadn’t got it from him simply not writing me back or trying to get in touch with me. So, that Christmas, in his own way, he was being kind. Or at least honest. He was just making it clear—abundantly clear—we were over.

That knowledge sent a shiver through me.

I clutched my stomach, tears springing to my eyes, remembering Jeremy’s words at the mall the other day when I asked him if he loved me. He had blanched. “That’s not what I was saying.”

Geez, he had to think I was obtuse—pathetic—wondering exactly what he had to do for me to get a clue—he didn’t love me. He was over me.

And then Kenzie showed up—that must have been a treat—making it so he couldn’t just let me go.

Tears started pouring down my face. And I couldn’t tell Sawyer why.

CHAPTER 25

Five days after Sawyer’s absence from school, I opened my locker to find a cell phone sitting in it. It was weird because I didn’t tell Sawyer about Dr. Burk or that I needed a cell phone. Without question, I knew Sawyer would insist Dr. Burk was a scam, knew he would talk me out of trying to get in touch with him.

But there it was—a cell phone.

I picked it up, staring at it with wonder. Then finally read the note attached. Then I squeezed my eyes shut and read it again. It wasn’t from Sawyer. It was from Jeremy. He’d written: “Kenzie said I shouldn’t let you get a cell phone. So … here’s a cell phone.”

That was all it said. He didn’t even sign his name. But I knew Jeremy’s writing.

I stared at the phone a long time, a lump growing in my throat. I hadn’t talked to Jeremy since the day Sawyer was sick, the day I decided it was better to stay away from him—better for my heart … and my life—everyone’s life. Besides, now I knew I was just a burden to Jeremy. One he felt responsible for.

Okay, I knew it wasn’t quite like that. Not exactly. I knew he cared for me. But it hurt to know he just felt sorry for me—and that my deep, mixed-up feelings for him made him uncomfortable.

Well, they made me uncomfortable too.

Now any time I saw Jeremy coming, I ran the other direction. Literally. Sawyer noticed, but I refused to talk to him about it.

“I just want to be alone with you for a while,” I told Sawyer yesterday at lunch.

Sawyer kissed me, warm and tender. “If I thought it was just ‘cause you can’t get enough of me, I’d be all for our isolation,” he said as I lead him away from the cafeteria—away from Jeremy and the band. “But Jodi, you need to talk to him. You’re hurting him.”

I grimaced. Sawyer didn’t know what he was talking about. Still, he let me lead him away.

For five days we didn’t eat in the cafeteria. Five days I didn’t talk to Jeremy. And Jeremy never once tried to talk to me. In fact, I was pretty sure he was avoiding me too. I would feel his eyes on me sometimes, but he stayed clear of me. Like he wanted to make sure I was okay, but had no desire, whatsoever, to talk to me.