The Stranger Inside (22 page)

I jerked my head up, probably beaming. What a nice thing to say. I mean, Zack was a pretty tough guy. I always kind of worried what he was thinking—’cause he stared at me a lot. And when he wasn’t smiling he looked kind of evil. I think it was because he always dressed dark. And I recently learned his dad was in jail. Again. Plus, he wasn’t the nicest guy in the world. Not like the rest of the band. There was just something … dark about him.

But right now, he had me all warm inside. I smiled up at him, waiting for him to go on.

“Could you conjure up another personality—one for me?” Zack drawled, his eyes gleaming. “Not like Kenzie. She’s too wild. More like you—sweet. Only, make her really easy.”

My smile fell. I knew he was only teasing, but I felt as though I’d been punched in the stomach. It hurt to hear him bring up my “problem” so casually.

I glanced around the crowded cafeteria, worried that someone had overheard.

“Oh, hey.” Zack’s dark eyes turned concerned, full of apologies. “I was only messing around.” He leaned in close and said, “Don’t worry. No one heard. I’m sorry. That was stupid.”

“Yeah, it was,” Micah agreed, playfully chucking him in the head.

I tried to assure him that it was okay. That I knew he was only teasing. But inside, I felt sick. I hated people knowing about Kenzie. Even The Clutch. Because there was always that chance they might slip and tell other people. I knew they wouldn’t do it on purpose. But they might just be kidding around, like Zack did just now, only slip and do it in front of someone outside the band. Suddenly—again—I felt vulnerable.

It sucked being crazy.

***

Mmmmm.

I woke in an excited frenzy. I’d been in a dreamy, yummy stupor. But something was wrong. I was being pushed away—gently, but still, pushed away.

My hands were grasping, finding hard, solid flesh. The guy let out a groan.

“Stop, okay? You’re killing me.” The words were said in a laugh. Gentle but firm. One strong hand held me by my wrists, keeping me away from him. “Seriously, we can’t.” The other hand stroked my hair. “Come on, I’ll make you dinner—anything you want.” He tried pulling me up, but I was too tired. Everything was hazy; the world foggy … woozy. I didn’t mind though. It was nice … so nice. I snuggled into his shoulder and he groaned again, only it was sort of a purr. I felt him reluctantly relent; sit back. I kissed soft lips … and … they hesitantly … tentatively kissed me back.

Yummy.

More. I wanted more.

The lips laughed softly … a husky nice sound … but no. They wouldn’t kiss me more. Instead, the hands were back on my shoulders, pushing me away again, away from his mouth, but then … mmm … I scooted back into his warm embrace. My head nuzzled against his strong chest and I could feel his heart beating fast. Splennnndor. I could stay wrapped in these arms, with this heart, forever.

But slowly, my mind was beginning to focus. This wasn’t Sawyer holding me, wasn’t Sawyer stroking my hair. I didn’t even have to open my eyes. I knew this wasn’t him. I’d just been Kenzie … so this was … I groaned, pulling away.

“No!” I pounded my fist on Jeremy’s chest. “No!”

“Sorry,” he murmured, letting me go. He raked his hands through his disheveled hair, watching me pull away. He raised an eyebrow. “But Kenzie didn’t drink. Or smoke.”

I knew he was trying to say he did as I asked—but he didn’t. Not really. Kenzie had just been making out with him here on Sawyer’s couch, apparently. That was the total opposite of what I’d asked.

“Jodi’s back,” Zack said. He and Micah were at the desktop computer across the room. “We were looking up split personalities,” he said, showing me the screen, apparently trying to divert my anger from Jeremy.

Sawyer came into the room with a soda and a sandwich, looking at me uncertainly. “Jodi?”

“Why’d you let me do that?” I snapped. If the room hadn’t been spinning so violently I would have stormed away, but as it was, all I could do was glare at Sawyer, shoot him death-rays with my eyes.

“Do what? I went to make a sandwich.” He lifted the evidence. “I couldn’t take watching Kenzie make moves on Jeremy—sorry.” He ran his hands over his face, then exhaled. “Jodi, I can’t control Kenzie.” He shot a sidelong look to Jeremy, then his gaze turned back to me, totally forthright. “She only listens to Jeremy.”

I couldn’t look at Jeremy. Couldn’t look at any of them. I felt betrayed. This wasn’t fair. It was humiliating. I felt taken advantage of.

Finally, I could move. I stormed out of the room, then out of the house.

Sawyer followed, silent. I was silent too, but seething. We got into the car; neither of us spoke for most of the ride home.

“Look, they don’t have sex, Jodi, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Sawyer said, finally breaking the silence. Then he shook his head warily. “Not that Kenzie’s not hot for it.
Seriously
hot for it. But Jeremy won’t be alone with her. That’s why he stays with the band when she’s around—to try to keep things platonic.”

I clamped my lips shut. Bit them together tight, so I wouldn’t scream.

I guess that was nice of Jeremy—in
his
mind. I guess. I hadn’t thought about it like that—him trying to appease both her and me. I’d only thought I was being betrayed. And I was.

But maybe not so much by Jeremy.

Sawyer went on after a moment. I guess figuring he might as well get all the bad news out at once. “By the way, Kenzie hates the rest of the band now,” he said. “She wants us gone. Seriously. She’s kind of a maniac—a total witch. I swear. She wants Jeremy alone, and that’s all she wants.” Sawyer gave me a sidelong look before going on, his voice strained. “Sorry. But, like I said, she’s not you.”

“It
is
me,” I cried. “Kenzie is me.”

He shook his head. “She’s not. She’s nothing like you. She doesn’t talk like you, she doesn’t act like you. She was raised in a trailer, her dad sold pot, her boyfriend used to beat her up—she’s not you.”

I started shaking. Really bad. “She said all that?”

“Yeah, today. When Jeremy wouldn’t let her drink. She said she’s been drinking since she was twelve.”

A chill went through me. I clutched my stomach, doubling over. Why would I make that stuff up? Who was this Kenzie? What was going on in my brain? Why was she here? I had all these questions, yet all I said was, “You should be my
friend.
Keep Kenzie away from Jeremy.”

He shook his head, setting his jaw. “Jodi, you’re not getting it. Kenzie’s
violent
. And a total freak. Seriously. She’s glued to Jeremy. He like … babysits her.”

He never told me any of this before. Any of it. Probably to protect me. It seemed the band was always trying to do that—shield me from the truth. But hearing this now, it made all my worries about axes and violence and blood swirl around in my brain. Made me dizzy. I doubled over again, rubbing my face with the palms of my hands. “Kenzie’s violent?”

Sawyer flicked me a sympathetic look, then nodded. “When she doesn’t get her way.” He took his gaze from the road and glanced at me again. “Sorry.”

Geez, this sucked. The fight went all out of me.

Sawyer just shook his head, like he wasn’t even going to talk about it. But then he let out a breath. “Jodi, you have problems.”

“Yeah. No kidding.”

“I meant with trust.”

I fought back tears—
Yeah. No kidding
. But I said nothing. When I got home, I had email from Jeremy. I took a deep breath before reading it, then squeezed my eyes shut, reading it again.

Hey Jodi, I’m sorry I made you so mad. But I told you, I can’t push Kenzie away. I told you that.

Only it’s you … right? Is it? Somewhere in there, it’s you? Like … subconsciously you want to be with me?

***

I let out a scream, sopping in sweat. I knew I was dreaming, but the screams came anyway.

 Nonsensical swirls of blood drip from the walls. Their message switching like the flashes from a neon sign.
Jodi, Go Hospital … Watch out for the shadows … Jodi, Go Hospital … Watch out for the shadows
.

CHAPTER 20

I hate working with Nora at Looks. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Her boyfriend always comes in the store. He’s old and yuck and flirts with me right in front of her. Then, Nora always gets really hostile with me—like it was my fault. So, I’m always glad when I get to work with Tori, the assistant manager, instead. She’s a total gabber, though. She can’t stop talking. But it’s way better than Nora’s dagger stares.

Tonight though, the store was dead, so Tori’s chatter was getting to me, big time. I was about ready to hang myself, but then Jeremy wandered through the door. Jeremy! Seeing him, I did a double-take. He worked right next-door now, at The Game Shop with Sawyer.

When I first found that out I was all, “But that’s right next to my store.”

Sawyer had laughed at that, patting my head like I was a small child afraid of monsters under the bed. “He’s not stalking you, Jodi. He started working there the same time I did. He just took a break for the summer. Had a better paying job teaching kids the guitar at a day camp.” Sawyer brushed back my hair, his eyes twinkling. “You going to be okay?”

It turned out to be a total non-issue. Jeremy never even came into
Looks.
Not once.

Until tonight.

Seeing him now, my heart got all twisty and spastic and I actually started to sweat. It wasn’t that I hadn’t seen him since I’d come to kissing him on Sawyer’s couch. I had. At school. But we hadn’t talked and I was avoiding him and I think Jeremy knew that. Which was fine. I guess. As long as he didn’t know I thought about his kiss … all the time. Thought about how warm it made me feel. Longed for it. Missed it. So much.

Too much. It was wrong. It made me instinctively grasp my rubber bands—clasp on to them for emotional support, like I would Sawyer if he were here.

My palms sweating, I watched Jeremy from the corner of my eye. Watched him saunter to the back of the store where Tori and I were shooting price tags on the new shipment of clothes.

“You guys are dead tonight too, huh?”

Tori glanced up at Jeremy, surprised as she hadn’t seen him come in. Her eyes immediately lit up with interest. “You work next door, don’t you?”

She targeted in on unsuspecting Jeremy, giving him the once-over about three times. “I’m Tori.” Without tearing her eyes from him, she gave me a quick dismissal, handing me an armful of clothes, murmuring, “Hang these up.”

Jeremy gave me a puzzled smile as he was left alone with jabber-box.

Relieved to have a moment to breathe and compose, I watched with amusement as Tori cornered Jeremy at the register, outrageously flirting with him while he followed me with his eyes about the store.

Finally, the phone rang. Tori had to free Jeremy to answer it. He immediately came over and stood with both hands on the sides of the wall, caging me into a little corner.

“Can you take your break?” he asked, his eyes locking on mine.

Having him so close—able to feel his heat—my face flushed. I was suddenly weak in the knees. Did he know that? Was he doing it on purpose? His email comment, about me subconsciously wanting to be with him, stuck in my mind.

He drew in closer still as he stared into my eyes, waiting. My insides quivered. Still, I tried to act cool, totally in control. “Are you sure you want to take it with me?” I glanced over at Tori. She only let him escape because she would get all kinds of busted if she didn’t answer the phone.

“I was just being polite,” he said with a smile. “She’s your superior—should I’ve been rude?”

“No.” I laughed. “Only now I don’t know if she’ll let me take a break. She might want to take one herself—with you.”

His dark eyes twinkled, still blocking me in. “Well, see if you can,” he said. “I’m on my lunch, but she’s like, already taken up half of it.”

Jeremy and I bought sodas and found a table in the mall’s busy food court. We talked about nothing in particular for a while, then suddenly he turned all serious. “Listen, I wanted to ask you something.”

I glanced up at him, my stomach turning. His normally sultry, teasing eyes looked hesitant. I drew in a breath. I knew there had to be a reason he sought me out at the store today since he never had before. Ever.

This week he’d seemed to be avoiding me as much as I was him—like he preferred the space. That hurt. A lot. Now my hands were shaking. I hid them under the table, fidgeting with my rubber bands, steeling myself for whatever horrible thing he had to say. Because now I knew it had to be horrible for him to seek me out.

He waited for me to look up at him, but I wouldn’t.

Instead of going on anyway though, he rested his head on the table, his dark eyes silently watching me worry the rubber bands. Finally, I sighed and gave into him, gazing up to his agonizingly beautiful face. “What?”

He glanced between my wrists and my frown, then into my eyes. “You’re shaking.”

“I’m not.”

He watched me a moment longer, then gently took my arm, wrapping his warm hand over mine, immediately ceasing it from messing with the rubber bands. His voice was quieting, soothing. “Stop. Jodi, stop.” He paused, staring into my eyes, making my heart pound. “You act like I’m going to hurt you. Jodi, I’m not.”

Already, I could feel tears welling in my eyes. We couldn’t have this conversation. I wasn’t ready for it. I’d never be ready for it. “No, okay,” I lied. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t a lie. Not completely. “You’re not going to hurt me. I know that.”

He studied my eyes, blatantly unconvinced. I snatched my hand away, but then, of course, immediately wished I didn’t. Now my hand was cold, missed his, and—I couldn’t help it—my hands were back at my wrists, finding the rubber bands, snapping, snapping, snapping. Just lightly. Just to stay sane. Safe.

Jeremy watched me warily. “Is it my fault? I make her come?”

A tear ran down my cheek—a tear I didn’t even know was there. Why would he even think that? “No. Jeremy, no.”