The Stranger Inside (11 page)

“And you’re so familiar with all the other girls you toy with,” Mom shot back as Jeremy headed out the door.

But he stopped, frozen.

Oh no
.

I got all sweaty. And shivery. Both at the same time. What was he going to spit out now? I couldn’t take any more of this—his anger. I swear, my heart was breaking.

Jeremy turned back to Mom, his face unreadable. I clutched my stomach, trying to steel myself for whatever hateful thing was going to come out of his mouth next.

“You know Corrine, your daughter’s father just died.”

His words made me lose my breath. He continued, “Maybe you should stop trying to control everything and just—for a minute—show her some compassion.” He hadn’t spoken out of anger, but resignation. It made my chest ache and my eyes well with tears. His eyes flashed to me, but only for a second, and then he was gone, slamming the door behind him.

I exhaled, finally able to breathe. “Mom, you had no right to treat him that way. We were just talking.”

“You’re such a little fool, Jodi.” Mom rubbed her forehead. “Don’t let him sucker you in with his charm again. He has his merits, but discretion with girls isn’t one of them.” She gazed at me intently, but it was more like she was looking through me, off into her own thoughts. And I knew what she thinking. She was thinking about when she was young, getting her heart crushed by a boy—Matt. I knew the story. Too well. When she gets drunk, she likes to tell it. Matt had hurt her so bad she went after Dad, who she didn’t even love. Then she got pregnant—stuck with Dad. And me.

That was probably it. What she was thinking. It was so like her—taking her hate of Matt out on Jeremy—because Jeremy reminded her of Matt. He was handsome and easy to fall for, just like the boy she had loved—the boy who had crushed her. She probably thought she was doing me a favor.

But that wasn’t really it. Not really. She was doing herself a favor. Having Jeremy and me around—both, together—reminded her that she had failed. Failed at being a responsible parent. Dad tried to explain her bitterness about that to me. Deep down, she knew if she had been around when I lived with her before, if she would have actually
paid attention
and been a parent, she would have noticed the relationship Jeremy and I had built—would have noticed what was going on right under her own roof. It ate her up inside that because of her neglect Jeremy and I had been free to form a bond that she couldn’t tolerate.

To her, she had failed. Failed as a parent. She didn’t want to be reminded of it.

Mom went on, rubbing her forehead—probably talking about Matt as much as Jeremy, whether she knew it or not. “He uses them, Jodi. Not just you. He toys with girls.
They
fall in love, but he’s on to someone else.”

I turned away from her, not wanting her to see me cry. The boy she was talking about wasn’t the Jeremy I knew. Not at all. But neither was that guy who’d just been standing here, fighting with Mom. That wasn’t Jeremy either. Not my Jeremy.

My Jeremy had taught me how to brown hamburger when I confessed I didn’t know how. My Jeremy had surprised me by painting my ugly pink bike my very favorite shade of purple. My Jeremy had held me when I botched my oral presentation, stayed up with me practicing it the whole next night, came to my class with me the next day when I tried it again, actually
stood up
and cheered when I made it through.

My Jeremy wouldn’t have called me “your daughter.”

But I didn’t say any of this to Mom. Of course I didn’t. I just wanted to get her off my back. I sighed, deciding to get this over with, out in the open. “Mom, I never slept with Jeremy.”

She turned to me and gave a bitter laugh. “You forget, I
caught
you two together.”

“Okay,” I relented. “We
slept
together—but that’s all we did. We slept. One night. He came in when he heard me screaming because of a nightmare. He held me and we fell asleep. But we never had sex.”

“That’s just a technicality, now isn’t it, Jodi?”

I wasn’t even sure what she meant by that, but it didn’t matter. Nothing she said really mattered anymore. Like I said, I just wanted her off my back. And who knew what the truth was? It was all mixed up.

I took a deep breath. “Mom, I know now that sending me away was the best thing for me. I know that.” As I said this, she looked up at me with surprise. “We were just kids, and we were in over our heads. We didn’t mean to fall in love after you and Craig got married. It just happened. And we knew it couldn’t last—we knew that. Not with both of us living together. But like Jeremy said, it’s been three years. I’ve changed a lot since then, and he has too. We
are
strangers, and I’m not attracted to him anymore.”

Mom gave a heavy sigh, maybe buying it. Possibly. After all, Jeremy seemed to feel that way. Why not me? Why?! “I hope what you’re telling me is true,” she said. “Because what Jeremy said is. I won’t be able to babysit you twenty-four hours a day. My job won’t allow it. No matter how hard it is for me to do, in the end I am going to have to trust you. Please, Jodi, I’m begging you, be worthy of that trust.”

Like I’d ever done anything to forfeit her trust. I hadn’t. Ever. No matter what she thought of me, she was wrong. Compared to everyone else in my life, I was an angel. A total saint.

But what she was saying, yeah it was true. I was going to be on my own. Not that I hadn’t been already. But even more. Mom had been holding back on work lately, but she couldn’t keep it up. She had to go away on business trips all the time. It was part of her job. And it wasn’t like Craig would be around to watch me either. He wouldn’t. He and Mom worked as partners doing computer systems consultations, and when they were called out of town, they went together.

They used to leave Erica in charge of Jeremy and me. I guess that was how we were able to be together for so long without being detected. Who knows, maybe that was how we got together in the first place. Jeremy was the one I turned to—for everything. He was the only one around. And after a while, he was all I wanted around.

I went upstairs to my room, but didn’t even make it halfway there before big, fat tears started pouring. I flung myself across my bed, bawling. It killed knowing Jeremy thought of us as strangers. Ripped up my heart. He’d been my everything while I lived here—my best friend, my boyfriend, my everything. Now he was a stranger—a stranger who resented me for living in his house.

Unable to resist, I crawled under my bed to get the wooden box I kept hidden there. Using the tiny key, I unlocked the lid, crying as I gazed through the memories I had of Jeremy. The box contained everything I could hold onto of him—the funny photos we posed for in the photo booth at the mall, bundles of tender, sweet love letters Jeremy had written me, and a golden necklace with a “J” on it.

“It stands for both Jeremy and Jodi,” he had said, helping me put the necklace on.

 It had been my fifteenth birthday—the first day Jeremy told me he loved me. I buried my face in the necklace now and sobbed. We had been so in love. I had trusted him beyond reasonable bounds, and yet he had never betrayed that trust the entire time we’d lived together. But we’d only been kids. What could we possibly have known about love, right?

When Mom found Jeremy and me in bed together she had said horrible, filthy things. She made me feel dirty and ashamed. I hated her for sending me away, for making me live without Jeremy. We couldn’t even email each other when I left. Mom had changed the password on the computer, but I wrote letters to him every week, sometimes two or three, but he never wrote me back. I didn’t let that sway my trust in him though. I figured there was some reason he didn’t write to me or call. I was pretty certain that the reason was Mom.

I’d been sent away to live with Dad only a few months before Christmas during the ninth grade. I had to wheedle and beg both my parents to let me stay with Mom for Christmas. I felt bad leaving Dad, but I desperately had to see Jeremy. When I got to the Shade’s home, though, I learned Jeremy had been carted off to his newly married sister’s house for the duration of my visit.

That wasn’t so bad. It was pretty much what I’d expected. But Jeremy didn’t even try to come see me during my two-week stay, and when he did come over Christmas morning he brought a girl with him—a girl the family called his “little girlfriend.” He didn’t even talk to me that morning, or acknowledge my presence. The only time he even looked at me is when his girlfriend kissed him, then he’d glance over at me curiously, like he wanted to see my reaction—like it was all a cruel game.

Mom watched the entire scene that morning, nothing but pleased. I ran up to my room, crying. I flew home the next day, and never saw Jeremy again. Not until today.

CHAPTER 6

“I saw Jeremy today,” I informed Sawyer as we battled each other in ping-pong.

“Really?” He missed an easy shot, apparently distracted by the news. “Where’d you see him?”

“The house. He came over to get his dog.”

Sawyer held the ball, ready to serve. Only he didn’t. Instead, he tilted his head. “So, how did that go, seeing him again?”

“Terrible. My mom and him got in a major brawl. It was all her fault, though. She’s a spaz sometimes.”

“Yeah, my mom was too,” he said as he smacked the ball quickly to my left, making me leap for it—and miss.

“Moms.” I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah.” Sawyer sounded kind of bitter. Immediately, I felt bad. I had absolutely no reason to complain. At least my mom didn’t leave me in the dead of night, never to return. Sometimes I wish she had, but that was beside the point. Sawyer had abandonment issues and who could blame him?

“Hey, we’re starting school next week,” I announced, changing the subject.

Sawyer sounded incredulous. “Why do you sound so excited about it?”

“Because I’m going to be going with you.”

“Oh.” He smiled. “That’s a good reason.”

Actually, I really was pretty excited about it. And really, it was only because of Sawyer. Before I met him, I dreaded the prospect of going to Roosevelt High. What had me petrified was that going to school meant having to face Jeremy every day. I didn’t feel I could take that kind of abuse. But having Sawyer helped me feel more confident. At least when I had to see Jeremy I wouldn’t be roaming around the halls all pathetic and alone.

We played in silence for a while. I was concentrating hard. Really hard. If I won this round I would be champion.

“I was thinking maybe you could come hear the band this week,” Sawyer said.

“Really?” I grabbed the ball, not wanting to mess with it while we talked. To me, this was a big deal.

“Yeah. I mean, next week you’re going to be meeting the guys at school anyway.”

“I would love to hear you play.”

He nodded, like it was settled. He seemed anxious about it, though. “We’re pretty tight now, right?”

“Yes,” I assured him, amazed he was worried. Forgetting the game, I went over to him and took his hand. “Sawyer, your band’s not going to come between us.”

“No?” He still sounded uneasy. “I hope you’re right.”

As he dropped me off at the town library on his way to a gig, he held me tight. “I love you, Jodi.”

“Sawyer,” I didn’t know what to say. Love was a strong word. I didn’t throw it around, or use it lightly. I just … desperately wanted to feel it for someone other than Jeremy. Be able to say it.

Only I didn’t feel I could do that to Sawyer. Still, I had this impulse to just say it anyway. He seemed so anxious, I wanted to calm his fears. And I did like him—a lot. But saying it would be almost like lying. I knew I cared for him deeply, and that I didn’t want to be without him, but … love? Just thinking about it made me sweat.

“You don’t have to say it back,” he said, letting me go. “I mean, don’t say it unless you mean it—that would hurt more, having you lie to me.”

“Sawyer,” I exhaled. This was hard. “I think maybe I do love you though.”

“Yeah?” He sounded restless. “Well, when you’re sure, let me know.”

“I will,” I said softly.

***

“Kenzie?” I heard the word whispered in my ear. A question. I was in the town library. Reading up on multiple personalities and axe murders—fun stuff. I whipped around one way, then the other. No one was there. I was alone. And now terrified.

“Kenzie?” I heard it again.

Then I saw it. A shadow. Shocked, I stumbled back. It was moving along the wall. Moving slowly. Searching. My heart leapt to my throat. I clamped my lips shut tight, biting back a scream.

“Kenzie?” it whispered.

I dropped my books. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. I stood frozen, trying to hide.

“This isn’t real,” I told myself.
I’m going crazy
.

Normally the thought would frighten me. But now it seemed far, far better than actually seeing real shadows—shadows whispering and searching. I squeezed my eyes shut. Tried to breathe. Focus.
Jodi, get a grip. You know it’s not real. So, stop it! Just stop! Don’t
.
Go. Crazy.

I took a shaky breath, then another. Finally, I opened my eyes, willing myself to be better, cured. But the shadow moved along the wall, circling, speaking. “Kenzie? Kenzie?”

My heart slammed against my chest. I struggled to catch my breath, frantically peering around the library, searching for a way to escape, but both the elevator and stairs were across the room; the shadow—real or not—would find me.

I squeezed my eyes shut, still hearing the hushed whispers. “Kenzie? Kenzie? Kenzie?” But I was hearing something else now as well—not just my heart, not just the shadow … my head. There was a
voice
in my head. It was my dad or Kenzie … or Kenzie
and
my dad. Someone in my head, they were urging me, “Say there is no Kenzie here.
No Kenzie here
.”

I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t. They were strangled in my throat.

But this wasn’t real anyway, right?