The Serenity Solution: How to Use Quiet Contemplation to Solve Life's Problems (14 page)

The key here is to temporarily let go of what has been done and see what can be done. We leave options open and don’t shut out new ideas too soon. We entertain them. For instance, we don’t say “Things can’t change because they been this way too long,” we say instead “If things could change what would they be like? And what can I do right now to make this happen? What do I need? Where can I get it?” And then we think about some possibilities.

Bill was convinced that he would never get over the emotional abuse he endured as a child UNTIL he began to learn how to separate himself from his thoughts and recognize them for what they are: current theories of how things are. Once he recognized this separation he then could look at other possibilities. For instance, instead of focusing solely on the notion that the abuse was permanent, he was asked to entertain the possibility that if he did somehow get over it, what would his life look like then?

What would he be doing differently? Bill did this and started finding some possibilities.

The most powerful way to shift from a current problem to a target

solution is to explore the opportunity or learning in the problem. When we see problems solely as impediments, we have trouble seeing them any other way. But, when we see them as opportunities in disguise, we have an avenue or way forward. We can extract the valuable message from the problem that tells us what is needed in the situation to move forward.

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For example, we can see depression as an obstacle that oppresses us, or we can see it as a signal that we need to change something about our life; this may mean getting out and making new friends or starting a new career. Likewise, losing a job or relationship may be a difficult loss to get over at first. But, we may find it less so when we see it as an opportunity to find what we’re really looking for. It in this case, it may turn out to be the best thing that happened to us.

Recall that every situation inherently has multiple meanings depending on the perspective we take. In some Eastern philosophies, particularly in Taoism, the world is seen as a balance of opposites. Both good and bad reside in any situation. By keeping our eye on the good in the bad, we may transform an obstacle into an opportunity. We may find the meaning in the pain and extract the lesson to be learned. In this way, the pain serves a purpose. It becomes a path to personal and spiritual growth.

Looking for the message in the pain can be especially valuable for those suffering from grief when it can become extremely difficult to step out and see the loss in any other way.

In fact, no matter what the loss—whether it is the loss of a relationship, job, health, or loved one—we can get through it when we make an effort to find the deeper meaning in it. We don’t lose hope. We simply look at it a different way and grow from it.

We can resist the reality before us; or we can transform it. If we resist, we don’t change the situation but we add to our suffering. However, if we transform it, we may not escape the situation, but at least we don’t add to our suffering. It’s a matter of taking care of our inner state. We simply decide that no matter what happens, we will not add to our suffering.

I have seen many clients overcome hardships over the years. Most of these people share a few things in common. For one, after successfully overcoming a hardship, these people’s priorities tended to change. They started to become more focused on personal and spiritual growth rather than material gain. Two, they tended to seek deeper knowledge and mean-Zooming Out and Framing Overall Bearings 95

ing as well as ways to improve themselves. For instance, they often took up new hobbies, went back to school, or changed a career. Three, they began to care more about others and volunteer to help the less fortunate. And finally, they spent a lot more time looking for the lessons in life’s situations.

Stan was emotionally abused as a child. Born of authoritarian parents, he was often punished and criticized for his behaviors, yet given little or no praise for his accomplishments. Later, as Stan became an adult, he often sought solitary jobs that allowed him to avoid social interaction.

He liked being around people but was afraid of being judged. Once day, he came to see me and we talked about this fear. I asked him what he thought he might have gained from his life-long struggle with this fear. He was initially taken back by this question, but soon, after some thoughtful consideration, he replied: “You know. I’ve always wanted to help others.

I guess what I’ve gained the most from my experience is that I could be very useful to someone else like me. I mean I’ve got all the years and skills in dealing with this situation.” Today, Stan volunteers his time being a big brother to abused children. When asked how things are going now he said: “Life is easier when you turn your lemons into lemonade.”

Take a moment now to think: “What challenges have I faced in life?”

Stay out of the emotion and explore these experiences from a detached perspective. Pick one and ask yourself further: “What did I learn from this situation? How have I made things better or gotten stronger because of it?” Then, ask yourself: “What can I do different now to continue this learning?” Define your thoughts.

Successful Problem Solvers

and Solution Detection

Observation of those who often solve problems reveals that these

people tend to focus not only on the obstacles in a situation, but also on potential avenues and exceptions. In addition, they tend

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to be more optimistic about solving problems, as well as their

abilities to do so, and are able to control their thoughts and persist towards a solution.

Framing the Overall Scene

When assessing the current and target states, we engage in a process of framing. Framing refers to the act of clarifying thoughts so as to get a clear view of the current and target states. Often, as we calmly assess thoughts from broader areas of mind they enter focal awareness vague and unformed. Framing allows us to affix temporary labels to these impressions in order to make them more tangible and assessable. To do this properly, we need to avoid extraneous detail and use only the most accurate words to capture these impressions.

Our label is only a tentative hypothesis. It must be refined to get a clear view of the situation. To refine, we use calibration questions. Calibration questions are so-named because they require us to think a little further about the situation and this in turn “calibrates” our view of the situation. For example, we may start with the tentative frame of our current state: “So, the main thing here is that I have little say at work?” which is followed by the calibration questions: “Is this it exactly? Or is there something else at play? What is the main thing exactly? What is causing most of the problem or having the most influence?” A pause at this point allows room for further thoughts to enter focal awareness and define the situation further: “So, the main thing here is not so much that I don’t know what to say to my boss but that I have trouble getting my words across.”

This calibration continues—tentative proposals followed by a request for clarification—until we capture the right frame. We just play like a detective unraveling a mystery, gently probing our broader mind, until we gather a clear picture of the situation into focal awareness. With enough questions, we should be able to expand our view of the situation enough
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to see both the current and the target states. The process is similar to zooming out of a scene with a camera and aligning the scene’s major features in the camera’s frame.

In this way, our initial probe turns into a highly accurate reading of the situation.

Framing, though, requires a bit of patience and flexibility. On one end, we need to be open to the flow of thoughts entering from our inner mind, but on the other end, we need to be on the look-out for a specific label for these thoughts. In order to do this, we perform framing in the zone of optimal performance. Recall that in this zone we have moderate levels of arousal and a freer control over our focus. We can shift easily between opening to thoughts and closing on a particular thought.

Framing Questions

Below are a series of questions we ask our inner mind in order to frame both the current and target states. We ask first about the current state and then the target state. Typically, we begin to ask about the current state when we first notice a change in our emotional-physical state. We may use the following broadening/observing questions:

• What am I experiencing right now?

• Is this the experience or reaction I want?

• If not, what are the major factors creating or sustaining this experience?

Afterwards, we pause to gather our thoughts and then home in on the central factor using a few centering questions as follows:

• Of the things that came forward what factor is holding me

up and having the most influence in all of this?

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• What factor is the common connection to all these other

factors?

These questions are then followed with an assessment of the target state. The target state is framed using a combination of broadening and centering questions presented below:

• Now that I know what the real problem is what can I learn

from this awareness to move forward?

• How can I turn it into an opportunity or a benefit for

growth?

• What other ways can I see things?

• What’s needed the most in this situation?

• What can I shoot for as a result of this learning?

• What is a desirable outcome in place of my current

situation?

Follow-up calibration questions are also included to get clarification on any broadening or centering question:

• Is this it exactly?

• Or is there something else at work here?

• What is the main thing exactly?

• What words would capture it just right?

Together, these questions should lead us to a complete picture of

where we are and where we are going. If, at any time, we lose our way, we remember to refocus using a broadening or centering question such as:

• What is bothering me the most about all of this?

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• What is having the most influence on everything?

• What is needed most in place of this?

In doing so, we can maintain our overall bearings.

Example Framing Dialogue

A simulated dialogue is presented below to illustrate the framing process.

In this example, Jim is experiencing a negative emotion and begins to reflect on it.

Surface Assessment:
This feeling keeps nagging me. Let me stop for a moment and observe it. What could be causing this feeling? What

could be the main factors? [After initial opening, Jim sits quietly and observes his thoughts. In the process, he mulls over the major factors in his current situation.]

Inner Response
: There’s a lot going on lately … For one, I’ve been tired … don’t feel like doing anything … my sleep is bad … Been a bit lonely lately … but busy at work … .and although I don’t particularly love my job, it does pay the bills … I am stressed about the bills though. These seem like the major things. [At this point, Jim

summarizes what he feels are the major factors.]

Surface Assessment:
Okay, so the main things here are poor sleep, fatigue, lost interest, some loneliness, and bills. When I look at all these factors what do I think is having the most impact on me?

What is really bothering me the most?

Inner Response
: Mmm … Finances are always a big stressor

but … (pauses to access a deeper response) … I guess it’s this

loneliness that is really affecting me the most. I still miss her. [Jim
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captures the central factor—grief from losing his girlfriend—and

attempts to frame it.]

Surface Assessment
: So, it would appear that the main thing here is that I am still not over Jill and this is affecting other areas of my life. Is this it exactly?

Inner Response
: Yes, this seems to be it. I realize now that I really do need her but now I have to accept that she is with someone else.

Surface Assessment
: Right now it seems difficult to see how my life will be different without her (emphasizing the problem’s temporary nature). But, if I did somehow get past this feeling, what do I think I would be doing then? How would my life be different? (Shifting

focus to a possible target)

Inner Response
: Mmm … It’s hard to think ahead right now. I just know I can’t shake this feeling right now. [Realizing that he is ahead of himself, Jim resorts back to defining the problem.]

Surface Assessment
: Let me so slow down a bit and ask myself: What’s the worst part of all of this?

Inner Response:
Knowing that if I just listened more and paid more attention to her she wouldn’t have left; that I could have stopped it.

Surface Assessment
: So, listening to her and giving her more attention is something I’ve learned from this experience. What other things does this experience tell me about what I need right now to move forward in my life? (Refocusing on the target)

Inner Response
: It’s telling me that I have to start doing something with my life in order to get my mind off of her.

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Surface Assessment
: So, if I have to start doing something in my life, what do I think that ‘something’ might be?

Inner Response
: Work on me.

Surface Assessment
: What part of me needs the most attention right now? (pauses and remains open … )

Inner Response
: I need to work on not being so negative with myself, saying things like ‘I’m not good enough so why should

anyone want me.’ This is the reason why I always sabotage my