The Saddest Song (3 page)

I stood in the doorway and looked for clues of some sort that would tell me Garrett would never be back. His clean laundry was stacked on the corner of his navy plaid bedspread, waiting for him to put it away. A large bag of M&M’s held closed with a blue paperclip were on his nightstand. M&M’s were Garrett’s favorite food, and he always kept a stash of them nearby. Last Valentine’s Day I had snuck over and wrote “I Love You” in red ones across his bed. If Garrett were here now he would have taken the bag of candy, plopped down on his beanbag chair, pulled me into his lap, and we would have taken turns popping them into each others’ mouths. We would have shared chocolaty kisses and…my mind stopped my thoughts. It was too disturbing to go there. This was it. The last bag of M&M’s forever. I slowly walked into the room and reached out for them.

“Can I have these?” I asked Max.

“You’re hungry?”

“No, not at all. I just want to keep them.”

“Oh, I see. Sure, take them.” He was silent for a moment and then asked, “Do you feel him?”

I shook my head. “No, I feel his absence. He feels completely gone.”

“He is,” Max said quietly.

I held the candy bag to my chest like I was cradling a kitten, and followed Max into his room. He turned on some old music. We sat down on the black futon where Max usually played his guitar, and I rested my head on his shoulder. Neither of us moved for what felt like hours, until Mrs. McKinley forced us downstairs for a lunch of one of the sympathy casseroles. I managed to take a few bites, but mostly just pushed it around my plate. No one said anything because they were all doing the same. Afterwards, I thanked them and said I would come back in the morning. I headed home, the M&M’s clutched in my hand.

Max

I felt uncontrollably lonely when Rainey left. We hadn’t done much all day except sit in my room and listen to music, each of us content to keep the other company. It was enough. Sharing grief didn’t make it easier, but it made it bearable. Bearable was all I could hope for. Being alone just sucked. Mom and dad clung together in a way they hadn’t before the accident. Usually in his free time, my dad would tinker in the garage or go to the gym, while mom would work in her garden or read a book. Now they sat quietly in the family room, the TV on but not being watched. Their familiar teasing and bickering had been replaced by an obscene politeness. That was of course if they even spoke at all. Their behavior weirded me out, so I stayed in my room most of the time.

I wished Garrett could tell me how to fix them. I needed some direction. I walked back into his room and started to sit down on his bean bag chair when I stopped abruptly. Nobody had sat there since Garrett and it was still molded to the shape of his body. I closed my eyes and tried to picture him sitting there playing his video games, something he did constantly. But hard as I tried, I couldn’t see him anymore. I stood there, the heavy reality of his death saturating my soul and jumped when someone put their hand on my shoulder. Spinning around I was stunned to see that nobody was there. Yet I had felt it. I was positive. Chills went up my spine and I whispered, “Garrett?” I searched the empty room and continued, “Garrett, if you can hear me, I don’t know what we are supposed to do without you. Not Rainey or me, or mom and dad. I’m not you. It would have been so much easier if it had been me instead. But I will keep trying, I promise.”

“Max?” A female voice called from my bedroom. I walked back through our adjoining bathroom and saw Maya standing there looking uncomfortable, her hand tugging on the ends of her long blonde hair.

“Maya. Hey. What’s going on?”

“Your mom told me I could just come on up. I hope that’s okay.” She approached me slowly and gave me a hesitant hug that I didn’t return.

“Of course,” I stood there feeling awkward. At the time of Garrett’s accident, Maya and I had been seeing each other for about six weeks. We’d been getting along really well and I had been into her, but that had all changed. I hadn’t been taking her calls or replying to her texts. “Maya, I’m really sorry that I’ve been such a jerk, but I just…”

“Max, it’s okay. Please, don’t feel bad. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am.”

“Thanks,” I said. “Want to sit?” I gestured to my black futon and after she was seated

I sat down across from her on the end of my bed.

We sat in silence for awhile before she broke it, “So, how’s Rainey?”

“She’s not doing very well, but it hasn’t been very long.”

“Have you seen her? I mean, I saw her sitting with your family at the funeral, but, besides that?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ve seen her every day since it happened. She just left a little while ago.”

I saw a flash of hurt cross her face but I ignored it. Maya and Rainey were not friends, although their paths had certainly crossed a few times while we were going out. She knew Rainey and Garrett had been together forever. Everyone knew that. Did she resent me spending time with my dead brother’s girlfriend?

“What do you need me to do Max? Give you space? I don’t know why you’ve shut me out.” Her pretty face crumpled and I prayed she wouldn’t start to cry. I didn’t need this right now.

“Maya, I’m really sorry but my twin just died. I can’t just go on with my life like nothing has happened. I can barely make it through the day. I just don’t know when I will be me again.”

“I’ll wait. I’ll give you all the time you need.” She reached out and took my hand in hers, her blue eyes begging me to help her out. But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.

“Maya, no, don’t wait. I’m not going to be able to be with you or anyone. I’m sorry.”

“But Max,” she said, standing up, her voice rising. “Everything was going great between us. I care about you, and I thought you felt the same about me.”

“I know, I did, but it just can’t work anymore. I can’t be in any relationship. I need to be alone right now. Maya, it has nothing at all to do with you. You are great. Really.”

“Obviously,” she said, her voice dripping sarcasm. “You don’t want to be with me but you will hang out with Rainey,” Her eyes narrowed in anger.

I stood too, and as she marched out the door I didn’t follow. I simply sighed in relief when I hear the front door slam.

Chapter 4

Rainey

There was a note waiting for me when I got home. Mom was taking Grandma out to do some errands and would be home by five o’clock. Dad was at work and would arrive at his usual time of 5:30. I was grateful for the silence and solitude and headed to my room. Sitting at my desk, I decided to turn on my computer for the first time since the accident. I was astounded by the messages awaiting me. Love and support from friends, acquaintances, and total strangers. A lump formed in my throat and I couldn’t bring myself to go on the “ Garrett- We love you forever!” page someone had created. I logged off and opened the M&M’s, spilling some into my palm. I just stared at them until my vision blurred and I dropped them onto my desk watching them spin and scatter and come to a stop. I left them like that and put the blue paper clip back on the bag.

I stood up slowly, feeling suddenly exhausted and wondered what to do with myself. I couldn’t come up with a thing so I lay down on my unmade bed and simply waited for the oblivion of sleep. Sleep was the only break I had from my pain and I thankfully did not have to wait long for it to rescue me.

I woke up forty five minutes later feeling groggy and confused until the memory of Garrett flooded my mind once again. Pain seared my chest and I didn’t know where to go to escape it. What could I do? I could only sleep so long in the daytime or I would become an insomniac in the night. I stood up and stretched and headed toward my bathroom when something on my desk caught my eye and froze me in my tracks. Shouting for my parents I waited wordlessly until I realized that neither of them were home yet. I was alone. I slowly moved closer to my desk and stared at the M&M’s I had scattered across it earlier. They were still there, only now they were arranged in the shape of a perfect heart.

I reacted on instinct, wanting to reach out and tell Max what I was seeing. I grabbed my cell phone, almost dropping it as it simultaneously vibrated alerting me that I had a new text message. Still staring at the M&M’s, my heart raced erratically and my hands shook as I looked down to read the text. Maybe it was from Max. I blinked several times and reread it over and over as my brain tried to process what was spelled out across the screen.

I could not comprehend what I was seeing. Not the candy, not the text. I was hallucinating. I had finally cracked and now I was insane. My grief had consumed me and taken me to the brink of madness. I began to shake everywhere and leaned toward the foot of the bed, falling on the pillow top mattress as I grew light headed and tiny grey specks clouded my vision. I closed my eyes tight and fought to breathe deep and even, struggling against the purest panic I had ever felt. In and out, in and out I breathed until I got a grip on my sanity and slowly opened my eyes. I glanced down at my cell phone again, hoping that what I saw earlier hadn’t been a sign I was going nuts. I had to have imagined it because I missed Garrett so much. But when I looked at the words and read them over nothing had changed.

Was someone playing a joke? I tried to respond to the message asking “Who is this?” but my phone said the number was out of service. I checked the number and recognized that yes it was Garrett’s number. Could someone else have accessed his cell phone number? Even if they had, how would they know that I thought I had killed him? How would they know about the candy I had brought home today? There had to be a reasonable explanation for what was happening here. It was impossible, but it was undeniable. I had a text message and it was from Garrett.

You are only guilty of making me fall in love with you.
The accident was not your fault. Eat those M&M’s for me. I love you.

Max

Time has a way of passing no matter what crap you are dealing with, and every day I felt even farther from Garrett. But I was glad that the freshness of the shock was less and the acceptance of the unacceptable was more. I kept my emotions on a fairly even keel and it helped. There were only a few things that happened to rattle my composure. The first time I had felt a hand on my shoulder I chalked it up to grief and exhaustion, the second time I was just plain freaked out.

I had been playing my guitar. Nothing unusual there, it was basically the only thing I was doing these days. I thought I heard mom or dad in Garrett’s room so I went in to check on them and saw that his Xbox was on. His favorite game was on the TV screen. His bedroom door was still closed so I went out into the hall and called my mom.

“Yeah, Sweetie?” mom shouted from downstairs in the family room.

“Is dad here?”

“Right here buddy. Whatcha need?” Dad’s voice replied, also from downstairs.

My knees went weak and I yelled. “Nothing. Just wondering what you guys were doing.”

“Our movie is just starting. Want to join us?” Mom yelled back.

“No thanks, I’m good,” I replied, glad my voice hid my fear.

I walked back into Garrett’s room and stopped dead, chills running up my spine. The TV was off, as was the Xbox. I walked quickly back to my room wondering if I were crazy. If I wasn’t crazy, what was happening? I decided I was hallucinating and prayed it was a onetime thing. I told no one, not even Rainey. If she had to deal with me being nuts too she might disappear and I needed her. She was my life raft.

Nothing happened for a few days and I began to believe I had imagined it all when the strangest text appeared on my phone. Rainey was stretched out on my futon reading a book and I was sitting on the floor, pages of lyrics scattered around me. My phone had been pretty active with both friends of my brother and mine checking up on me. So when it vibrated on the carpet next to me I absentmindedly grabbed for it. I read it, blinked in confusion, and read it again.

You’re
doing a great job Maxwell. She’s beautiful, isn’t she?

Maxwell? Only one person in the world called me that. It wasn’t even my name. I was simply Max, but Garrett would call me that when we were little to tease me. I looked for the return number but it was Garrett’s and I knew his phone line was gone, as was his cell phone. It had been destroyed in the accident. I must have been staring for several minutes when Rainey spoke.

“Max, what is it?”

I looked up startled by the alarm on her face and hoped my face looked calm. “Nothing, sorry.” I quickly put the phone down and hoped she couldn’t tell my hands were shaking.

“Who was it?” She questioned me.

“It was for someone else. Kind of confused me for a minute. Hey, are you hungry yet?”

Happily I distracted Rainey, and as we sat and ate our lunch I stared across the table at my brother’s girlfriend and thought to myself, “yeah bro, she is beautiful.”

Chapter 5

Rainey

I told no one, not even Max, about the M&M or texting incident. Knowing I was losing my mind from losing my boyfriend, I felt utterly afloat. Disengaging from reality seemed the easiest way to survive. I set myself on my own autopilot and I was good to go. It seemed to work. My days were woven into a simple routine. Wake, remember to eat enough to keep breathing, question myself about why I wanted to keep breathing, dodge my friends, visit Max and his parents, eat dinner, or pretend to, with mine, and then lay in bed until sleep took my pain away. Wake up. Repeat.