The Saddest Song (2 page)

“We will survive because he’d want us to. He’d want us to go on, and he’d want us to live. Crying, hurting, suffering won’t bring him back. Nothing will.”

I wanted to tell Max it was my fault he was in that car, my fault he left the guys trip early. Twelve of the football players had gone to Arizona. They were staying at Jordan, the quarterback’s condo on the river. He had been there only four of the seven days they had planned to be gone when we got in the fight, a stupid fight about nothing important. I was missing him, angry that he chose to be with them when he could’ve stayed with me. I was jealous about the party I could hear going on in the background, girl’s laughter making me insecure. I had no reason to be, he never so much as looked at other girls. We’d been together since the middle of eighth grade, Christmas Eve to be exact. I had come home from dinner at my grandparent’s house and found a small wrapped present on my porch. Inside was a pretty silver necklace with a heart charm on it and a note from Garrett telling me everything he was too afraid to say in person. Since I’d been harboring a crush on him since the day we met, I was pretty excited. Excited is stating it mildly, I was jumping up and down and screaming if I remember it correctly. But I was composed and shaking when I called him that night. The rest is history and our senior year of high school was just about to start. Still, that night I was angry, and like I said, he couldn’t stand it when I was angry. So, he hitched a ride back home to San Diego, with Jordan’s older brother and two guys from his fraternity, all dead now just like Garrett.

“Can I come over there Max?”

“Now? It’s too late for you to be out, and my parents would freak out if they woke up and I was gone.”

“Okay, I’ll wait until daylight. Can I come then? I want to be with you and I need to see his room, maybe I’ll be able to feel him there. I can’t feel him, Max.”

“I get it, Rainey. I’m lying on his bed. Trust me, he’s not here.”

“I still want to come over.”

“Yeah, I want you to. You’re all I have left of him,” he said, his voice breaking.

“That’s how I feel about you. See you soon, Max.”

The call ended and I stared at my cell phone, wondering if I had the strength to listen to Garrett’s voice mails. I saved them, his text messages too. I wasn’t brave enough yet. I knew it wouldn’t be enough to simply hear his voice, I would want more. I would wait until I wasn’t raw. Maybe that day would come. Somehow, I doubted it.

I reset my alarm clock to the proper time and laid back down on my bed. I closed my eyes and tried to think of absolutely nothing. It must have worked, because it was light when I opened them again. I had made it through another night, and had to begin another day without Garrett. It had been less than two weeks since I had last seen him, but it felt like so much longer. Looking over at my clock, I was irritated to see it was again flashing red. I reached for my cell, and saw it was only 6:45. I took a long shower to pass the time until I could go see Max.

Before I left I took a look around my room. It was like a shrine to my relationship with Garrett. There were countless photos of us posing at school dances and smiling together on trips we had taken to San Francisco, Palm Springs, and Hawaii. I sat on the edge of my bed and was overwhelmed by the realization that there would be no more pictures. I would never again drive him crazy with my obsession for documenting our every move. The thought felt unreal and uncomfortable, so I shook it off. I absentmindedly reset my clock and then silently left my room, closing the door behind me.

Max

After I called Rainey I fell into a deep sleep for three hours. That was the longest stretch I’d slept since the accident, and the rest almost made me feel like myself again. I headed downstairs to wait for her. The house smelled stale, like wilted flowers. There were several huge floral arrangements dying around the living room. Seemed like a backwards tradition to send something that would wither and die to people who had just had a loved one do the same. Mom was sitting at her desk going through the sympathy cards that were piling up and didn’t notice me slip out the door. I decided to let her be since she wasn’t crying at the moment. Waiting on the front porch would give me some fresh air and also keep me from having to answer the door. For obvious reasons, doorbells would probably haunt me for quite awhile.

I sat down on the porch and watched a golf cart go by. We lived on a golf course that had six different housing developments scattered from one end to the other. My family lived near the 16
^th
hole while Rainey’s lived near the 2
^nd
. Our homes were about a mile apart. Garret and I had met Rainey right out here while we were playing basketball in the driveway. We heard her calling for her lost dog and Garrett volunteered us to help her find it. Of course he got to head one direction with her and I went the other way on my own. When I came back lugging the runaway beagle, she had trained her big eyes on Garrett in a worshipful way and didn’t seem to even notice I was the one who found it. And that is how we sort of met.

We saw her at school the next day and she blushed when she came over to thank us and introduce herself. She was so pretty that it was actually weird that we had not noticed her before. Garrett played it cool but suddenly her name came up a lot. By Christmas they were an item. I knew she would have been my sister in law someday. Garrett always planned out his whole life and Rainey became the center of it. I had never been one for planning ahead and now I knew for sure there was no point. Tomorrow may not happen anyway.

Chapter 3

Rainey

Max was sitting on the front porch when I walked up. My dad had offered me a ride. My mom had even offered me her car, but I needed the walk. Garrett and I often walked the mile between our homes, both together and separately. I remembered the anticipation I would feel when I headed to see him. Today I had walked slowly, in no hurry, knowing he wasn’t waiting for me. He would never wait for me again. I thought about scrapping the whole idea and turning around. Was I a glutton for punishment going to his house so soon? But if poor Max could live there without his twin, surely I could visit. If it was too hard I could go home. Max had no choice and neither did his mom and dad. I could only imagine their pain, maybe even greater than my own if that were possible. Could anyone hurt more than this? I doubted it. I doubted it made sense to compare my grief to theirs.

“Hey Rainey,” Max said. Rising from his seat on the porch step he reached out to hug me. I clung to him, fresh tears finding their familiar path down my cheeks. It seemed as if my eyes should have been dry by now. Where was this endless supply of tears coming from? I wasn’t eating or drinking much of anything. No food would stay down, or at least I assumed it wouldn’t. I hadn’t eaten in days. The cupcakes Caitlynn had brought me yesterday sat undisturbed in their box, growing stale. I didn’t think I would ever eat again, especially not cupcakes.

“God Rainey, you’re all boney,” Max said. I gave a bitter laugh. He was looking pretty bad himself. We were both too thin to have to go through this.

“I can’t eat Max. He can’t either, it’s only fair.”

“Yeah, I know. That is what I think too.” I told you that Max and I were alike. I felt understood for the first time since this nightmare began. Not that Garrett understood me even half the time, he didn’t. He loved me anyway. He loved me all the time. No one would love me like that again. Not that it mattered, I didn’t want them to.

“You sure you’re ready to face the folks?”

“Yes, of course. You don’t think it will hurt them to see me here, do you?”

Max ran his fingers through his messy dark hair and shrugged. “Everything hurts Rain, but you are what he loved most. How could they not want to be around you? Besides, you’re family.”

I nodded. He opened the front door and I entered as I had a million times before, only this time he wasn’t waiting.

As soon as I walked through the door, Garrett’s mom walked in from the kitchen and saw me. “Rainey! Oh Rainey!” I was enveloped in Mrs. McKinley’s arms, and my heart broke into even more pieces at the anguish in her sobs. I hugged her tightly as we both cried. Then I whispered the first thing that came into my head, not pausing to think or consider whether it was wise or hurtful.

“He thought you were the coolest mom in the world, Mrs. McKinley. Every time we were around our friends’ moms he’d tell me how lucky he was to have you. He even used to say your cookies were better than theirs.”

She gave a small laugh and said, “Really?”

I nodded and continued. “He said that you understood him better than anyone and he could tell you anything.”

She pulled back and looked at me, her face showing her exhaustion. She looked so defeated, and then she smiled as the tears streamed from her eyes. “Thank you for telling me sweetheart. I loved being his mom, and his buddy. I just can’t believe he’s gone…” Her voice broke and we hugged again. How many tears could one human cry? It was endless. She composed herself a little and asked about me.

“Thank you for coming over Rainey. I know you are hurting as much as we are.”

“Mrs. McKinley, I needed to be here with you and Max and Mr. McKinley. I would’ve come sooner, but I couldn’t even talk.” Or walk, or think, or breathe. I glanced at Max who stood there beside us, a tear running down his cheek. “Where’s your dad?” I asked him.

“He went on a run. It’s the only time he’s left the house except for yesterday to go to the funeral.” I nodded, and Mrs. McKinley took Max by her right hand and me by her left and led us into the kitchen.

“You two are both skin and bones. I’m going to feed you, I couldn’t bear it if either of you got sick.”

“Oh, no thank you. I haven’t been able to eat.” I said. I knew I looked too thin, I had always been on the skinny side and at 5’8” I could look gaunt pretty quickly. I suppose I looked gothic, with my black hair and pale, emaciated body.

Once I had overheard two girls talking about me in the bathroom at school. I was in a stall and one said, “What does Garrett see in her anyway?”

Her friend replied. “What are you talking about, I think Rainey is gorgeous.”

“Yeah, if your into Vampires.” They both laughed, and I had waited for them to leave before exiting the stall. I had been so hurt. I had my Irish mother’s complexion and my dad’s dark black hair and eyes. I had always liked the contrast, but I was aware of looking too intense, so I chose to wear bright colors and avoided black. Until now. Black seemed appropriate as I looked down at my all black ensemble.

“All this food is just going to waste.” Mrs. McKinley gestured to the counter where several cakes, pies and trays of cookies covered the brown granite.

“Wow,” I said. It reminded me of the bake sales we used to have in Junior High.

“Oh, this is nothing Rainey. Look at this.” She opened her fridge and pointed to at least seven casseroles stacked atop one another, and three honey baked hams. “Let’s see, do you want lasagna, enchiladas, or chicken and broccoli?”

My stomach lurched at the thought, and I met Max’s eyes. He sighed in a resigned way and gave in. “Mom,” he said gently, “it’s still morning. We’ll have a glass of milk and some pie and see how it goes.” Then looking at me, he smiled gently and said, “She’s right Rainey, we need to eat something.”

“Okay.” I gave in, too exhausted to argue.

“Good, I’ll warm this blackberry one in the oven.” Mrs. McKinley seemed to perk up at the idea of feeding us. I could tell she was eager to take care of the child who remained. She placed the pie on a cookie sheet and put it in the oven, then turned to the table and set it for two.

“Wait mom, no deal if you don’t eat something too. The walking wounded stick together.”

She gave her son a resigned grin and added two more settings. “Okay, I’ll put one out for your dad too.”

As if on cue, Mr. McKinley came through the kitchen door, his sweatshirt stuck to his chest, wet with sweat. I nearly gasped at how much he looked like Garrett, a memory of him tired and sweaty after football practice flashed to my mind. I remember my mom telling me once that if I wanted to see what Garrett would look like in 25 years to just look at his dad. Strange how I had never seen how identical they were before.

“Hi Rainey,” He tried to smile, but it was broken. Just like his family. Just like me.

“I’d hug you but I’m soaked,” he said in a monotone voice.

“Go take a shower hun, we are all having pie as soon as you’re done,” Mrs. McKinley said. He didn’t question or comment, just nodded and headed toward the stairs.

Mrs. McKinley looked at us and said, “Will you take the pie out when the timer goes off?” Without waiting for our answer, she headed for the stairs and I looked at Max.

Shrugging, he said, “They can’t stand to be apart from each other, or me, for too long.”

“Will we ever be okay?” I asked, but instead of answering, Max just stared into my eyes. I knew we were both afraid of the answer.

After choking down a piece of pie and a glass of milk, Max and I excused ourselves and went upstairs. The twins’ each had their own room, joined by a bathroom that they shared. Max’s room was full of guitars, a keyboard, and recording equipment, his walls covered in the vintage album covers that he collected. Garrett’s room had an oversized beanbag chair in front of his massive collection of video games and several systems to play them on. On his walls he had specially built shelves to hold all his Football and Baseball trophies. Mixed in amongst them were all the same framed dance pictures of the two of us that sat on my shelves.