The Saddest Song (7 page)

“ It’s yours too,” I said. “Thanks Max, but I don’t want to go.”

“Okay, there’s a couple weeks left, if you change your mind just let me know.”

His face stared straight ahead but I couldn’t help thinking that he looked a bit disappointed. I felt bad, just not bad enough to go to Homecoming. I had three years of Homecoming pictures lined up on my shelf, there would not be a fourth, not without Garrett.

“Maybe we could go to a movie that night and grab a pizza or something,” I offered in exchange.

Max looked over at me and smiled.

“That could be nice.”

Max

I got turned down flat when I offered to take Rainey to the Homecoming dance. I tried to be as genuine as I could when I asked. I knew that it was a huge hurdle for her, facing the first big school event without Garrett by her side. I debated asking her to go, but thought that if she wanted to I should agree to take her. Like most girls, she loved those dances. I know my brother had liked them too. I always followed his lead and asked someone to go, but I couldn’t help thinking school dances were lame. Once we got there the music always sucked and everyone was always waiting until the mandated hour where we could leave, and then on the party buses home there was always at least one drunk kid puking in the aisle. After asking I had tried to keep my expression blank when she said no, but secretly, I was relieved.

I assumed we would go out for pizza and a movie to distract ourselves on Homecoming night but a far better alternative presented itself when I went to pick up guitar strings at the music store. As soon as I walked in the door I heard a voice yell out, “Max! Where’ve you been?” Looking to my right I saw my friend Colin standing there.

“Hey Colin, what’s up?” I shook his hand and smiled. Colin was the coolest guy. He was an amazing singer and songwriter. I had learned a ton from him when we had written a couple songs together earlier in the summer.

“I was just thinking about you! You didn’t answer my texts. Are you done with song writing? Too busy or what? Cause you are really good.”

“No, I’m sorry. I uh…Actually, I lost my twin brother in an accident a couple months ago and kind of dropped out for awhile. It’s been tough.” I said it without too much pain, I had learned to talk about it finally, I guess.

“ Man, I am so sorry to hear that. I had no idea. That’s awful.” Colin looked as horrified as everyone did when they heard.

“It’s cool. I’m starting to surface a bit. I’d love to start working together again if you ever want to.”

“Absolutely. That’d be great. What are you doing Saturday night? I’m opening for Mark Kerrey. I can put your name on the list if you want to go.”

“I’d love to. Can I bring someone?”

“Sure. I will put a plus one and text you with the address and time. I’m so glad I ran into you.”

“Me too. Thanks Colin. I’ll see you Saturday.”

“I’ll see you then.” We shook hands again and he left. I grabbed my strings and headed back home feeling like I was meant to run into him. Rainey would love his music and I had even given her some of Mark Kerrey’s music earlier in the summer. A former drummer in a couple of bands, Mark was just going out on his own with his music. He had amazing talent.

I thought about how I shouldn’t assume she would want to go. I would ask her as if I didn’t care if we went or not. No pressure. We could do pizza and a movie, or go to the concert, either one would be fine as long as it distracted her from thinking of the dance.

Chapter 9

Rainey

Pretending Homecoming didn’t exist was proving to be unrealistic and clearly stupid. It was now just five days away and Caitlynn had very diplomatically mentioned nothing to me about either her date or her dress. I would see her talking animatedly to friends from a distance only to see her lose the enthusiasm and speak to me in quiet tones when I approached. I must have been doing a little better because I noticed her behavior and I actually cared.

That afternoon as Caitlynn walked out to the parking lot with me and Max I wanted to laugh at their shocked expressions when I casually said, “So, Cait, did you get a dress for the dance?”

She looked at Max, her eyes widening, then answered. “Yeah, I did.”

“Well, what color? Where did you get it?”

“It’s a really pretty silver grey color with lots of sparkles. I got it at Bloomingdales. I just hope it’s not too short.”

Our school had a strict dress code for dances that made us all nervous that we might not pass it. It wasn’t an unrealistic fear, at least ten girls at every dance had to call parents to bring a different dress or they couldn’t attend. Tall girls with long legs were their most common target. Being tall I always had my backup dress hanging ready on my closet door, just in case.

“So, who are you going with?” I was so out of touch with her that I really had no idea who she was currently crushing on.

“Nick Santos. I really wanted to go with Hudson, but Nick asked first.”

“Who’s party bus, Veronica’s?”

“Yeah, everyone’s on that one.” I knew exactly who she meant by everyone. That would have been the bus that Garrett and I would have been on.

‘Well, I want to see your dress!” I said, feigning enthusiasm. I was rewarded by the sight of her shocked smile.

“You do? I can come by tonight if you want!”

“That would be great. Oh, and don’t forget to bring your shoes too.” We reached her car and said our goodbye’s and walked over to the truck, neither of us saying anything until we were driving out of the parking lot.

“That was really nice of you,” Max said, glancing over at me.

“I felt bad when I saw how she keeps walking on eggshells around me. I want her to treat me the way she used to. I don’t want to be a freak anymore.”

“You’re not a freak Rainey. We are just trying to process everything while being under a microscope. It sucks.”

“Totally. I want to be normal again. I am so tired of the stares and the pity and my own tears. I feel like the shock is gone now and I am starting to accept he is gone forever. I know that is what he wants us to do. We have to live.”

“We do, but I think High School is basically over for both of us. We will happier after we graduate.”

I nodded in agreement but hoped that he didn’t mean he was ready to move on from me too.

“Hey, remember when I wrote songs over the summer with that friend of mine, Colin?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Well, he’s opening at a show this Saturday and he invited me to go. He said he would leave my name on the list if I wanted to go and bring a friend. Want to go?”

“That sounds fun! Then I know I won’t sit and think about the dance all night.”

“Cool.” He smiled. I really had missed that smile. Music was the most important thing in his life and he hadn’t done much in the last couple months. I hoped he and I were at least getting to the place where we could enjoy ourselves and forget our grief once in a while. Not forget Garrett. There was a difference. Grief felt like carrying super heavy weights everywhere you go. This was like getting to set them down for a while. You would still carry them again, but there would be times you didn’t have to.

Later that night as I cleared the dinner dishes, the doorbell rang and I heard my mom and dad greeting Caitlynn. We all stood in the front hall together as she unveiled her Homecoming dress and we all told her how much we loved it. I did love it, and I had to push down the tiny, jealous ache that wished I could be showing her mine. I loved dances. I loved Garrett. Both were behind me now. This wasn’t my world anymore.

We retreated up to my room after Caitlynn shared all the details of her plans for Saturday. “Rainey, you seem so much better!” Her voice sounded hopeful.

“I’m over the shock and hoping that it was only a bad dream. I guess I’m just accepting it now.”

“I guess the whole process will take a long time, huh?”

“It will, but that’s okay. Garrett was my boyfriend for almost four years, Cait. Wouldn’t it be sad if I was over him dying in two months? He deserves to be remembered and I want to remember him. I love all my memories of him. I’m really afraid of them fading as time goes on. It just keeps getting longer and longer since I’ve seen him.”

“You will miss him forever, but it’s good to see that you can smile again. Garrett would like that.”

I glanced over at the M&M smile still sitting on my desk and knew she was right.

Max

I told my parents about the concert at breakfast on Saturday morning. I expected them to be thrilled that I was going out again like a normal kid. They were always watching me with worried expressions on their faces and I assumed that they would be relieved to see me living again. I was feeling happier than I had felt thus far and I knew that a lot of it had to do with just accepting the reality that I would live without my brother for the rest of my life. All of us had come to terms with this fact and had made a small amount of progress. So when I told them I was shocked to see their concerned, fearful expressions.

“Are you sure you are up to it Max?” said mom.

“Up to what? It’s just a concert mom. One of my friends is opening for the main act. He invited me and I am taking Rainey.”

“Well, how late do you think you will be out?” Seriously? Garrett and I had never even had a set curfew as long as we checked in by text when we came or went from one place to the next.

“I don’t know mom. The concert begins at 8:00, so maybe midnight if we get some food after.”

“I just don’t like you to be out driving with the drunk drivers at night.”

“Mom, I will drive extra safe. I promise. I will be fine.”

“I can’t help but worry after what just happened to your brother.”

“I know mom. I will text you as soon as I get there and right when I am on my way back.”

Dad started to say something then sighed, as if he was resigned to the fact that they would just have to let me go.

“Nothing is going to happen to me you guys. Let’s be positive here. This is a good thing. Rainey and I are just going to go to a concert and have fun. We need to go on with our lives, right?”

“And we want you to. We do sweetheart. We just worry.” They looked at one another and silently communicated something. Probably preparing themselves to lose their only remaining child. I couldn’t deal with this. I turned and left the room, heading upstairs. Nobody followed me which made me happy. Then, a couple hours later mom knocked on my door and let herself in. She was carrying two shopping bags from the mall and proceeded to show me five or six new shirts.

“You will need these if you are going to start socializing again. I can’t remember the last time we bought you new clothes.” They weren’t bad, mom always did have good taste and had picked a lot of my stuff out. She knew my style and also my brother’s, which had been completely different from my own.

“Thanks mom. Does that mean you are okay about me going to the concert with Rainey tonight?”

“Well, I know it will be good for you both. You will look great in these.” She kissed my forehead and shut my door behind her as she left. I shook my head in confusion. Mom logic. Because everyone knows you can’t be killed in a car accident if you are wearing a new shirt.

My bedroom door opened again and mom’s head popped in. “Oh, I almost forgot. I made you an appointment for a haircut while I was at the mall. Your hair is so long it makes you look like a girl. They can take you at three.” She smiled and closed the door again.

Chapter 10

Rainey

My parents were so excited to hear that I was going out that when they asked what time I would be home and I replied that I had no idea, they simply said to stay out as long as I like. I texted Caitlyn to tell her to have a great time at Homecoming and then pulled open my closet to decide what to wear to the concert. It may not have been a date but I thought I should put some effort into my appearance. I didn’t want to embarrass Max in front of his friends. The venue was in Pacific beach, a really laid back area so I knew it would be casual. Pushing a variety of clothing aside I finally settled on a new pair of skinny jeans, heels and an olive colored blouse that Cait had chosen for me.

The doorbell rang and I headed down the stairs as my dad greeted Max. Mom glanced up at me and said, “You look so pretty!” as if I had never looked this way before.

I smiled and said, “Thanks mom.” I was wearing makeup which I had pretty much forsaken during the past two months. I never realized how different it made me look until I put it on today. I had to admit that I had actually liked my reflection in the mirror. I looked a lot less pale and the skinny jeans and high heels were flattering to my underweight body. I was shocked to see Max’s eyes widen in surprise too, and I wondered suddenly how horrible I looked on a daily basis. Time to add makeup back into my daily routine.

“Hey,” Max said. I saw my Dad do a double take and smiled. Dad was only a scant half inch taller than my five foot eight and now he had to reach up to kiss my cheek.

“Max, watch out for our super model tonight,” my dad said. I felt myself blush and hurried Max out the door.

Max opened the truck door for me and I was relieved when we were on our way. I noticed that the shirt he was wearing was new, and his hair was shorter, yet still long enough to hang over his collar.