The Saddest Song (4 page)

This went on for two weeks and the routine was becoming familiar, a comfort of sorts that helped pass the days and kept me numb and calm. I tried so hard not to think, not to feel, not to cry. If I could keep my emotions in neutral I could survive yet another day without Garrett. Then Max had to go and rock the boat and I found myself once again frantic to keep my head above water.

It was a Thursday and Garrett had been dead for three weeks and one day. As was our ritual, Max was perched on the top step of his front porch waiting for me when I walked up. Rising to hug me, we turned to go inside when he hesitated and said, “Rainey, my mom is losing it. She is going to a Psychic and wants us to go with her.”

“What for? I could tell her fortune for free. We will all miss Garrett until we die. The end.”

“It’s not a fortune teller Rainey, it’s one of those ones who claim they can talk to the dead.”

My eyes searched Max’s confused. “That is sick Max. That’s not funny!” I was angry and fear tightened in my gut.

“I’m not joking. I’m afraid to let her go alone, and I can’t talk her out of it.”

“Well I will! Where is she?” I lunged for the front door and Max put his arms around my waist, pulling me back.

“Wait! Rainey, listen.” His tone made me freeze. I was listening as Max relaxed his hold and continued.

“If we go, we can make sure they don’t break her. She’s so fragile Rainey, and I’m scared. I’m scared for all of us, but her most of all.”

“This is crazy. We are all going crazy Max.” I felt my warm, numb cocoon that I worked so hard to construct, painfully rip away. I felt hot and my heart ached deep within my chest.

“Please Rainey. She wants us to go. Let’s just go and when she sees it is not real she’ll get over it. Maybe she’ll get better. Maybe she will begin to realize he won’t be coming back.”

I flinched at his words and the guilt I felt for killing Garrett flooded my body. How could I say no to Max or his mom? I would go with them, it was the least I could do. “Okay Max, I’ll go.”

Max exhaled loudly and I realized he had been holding his breath while he waited for me to decide. I reached out and clutched his fingers and he gave me a kiss on the top of my head before pushing the door open and leading me inside.

“Rainey! You’re here! Did Max tell you? We’re going to talk to Garrett today!” She smiled, looking happy, like her old self before the accident. I nodded and gave her what I hoped passed for a smile but probably fell short. She didn’t notice. She was manic, nervous and excited and probably a tiny bit afraid. Max and I looked at one another, both of us definitely afraid and wondering how much more we could take.

We were quiet as we drove over to the appointment. Mrs. McKinley had put the address on her Volvo’s GPS and I watched in dread from the passenger seat as we grew nearer to our destination. The psychic lived in an older neighborhood near the beach with a beautiful view of the ocean. I knew one thing, psychics, or at least this one, made a great living taking advantage of people’s grief. I knew another thing. Max and I wouldn’t let her fool us or his mother. We were here to protect Mrs. McKinley. Max and I looked at each other knowingly over his mothers head as the three of us headed up the walk. Before we even got to the door it opened and a pretty older woman greeted us dressed in a navy blue suit. She looked like a lawyer or an executive.

“Welcome. I’m Melissa. Please come in.”

She shook each of our hands and we followed her in to an all white living room. It looked like one of those model homes my mom loved to drag me through so she could get decorating ideas. When we declined her offer of water or tea and were seated stiffly on the sofa, Max in the middle, she got to the point. I looked at her pleasant, friendly face and steeled myself.

“You three are here because you have lost your loved one and I hope I can assist you in communicating with him today. I will do my very best, but these things are not absolute. The best way to begin is for us all to breathe deeply and try to relax. Close your eyes and think of him. Try to remember his smile, his laughter, his love. Now as you concentrate on him, I will try to reach out to him.

I closed my eyes and went along with the exercise. Not that I thought it would work, just that I spent most of my days doing it anyway. I took in a deep shaky breath and pictured Garrett laughing at some witty remark I had made and then watched as he broke in to his easy laughter. Then suddenly, I wasn’t in control of the thought any longer and his face turned serious as he whispered, “I miss you Rainey.” My eyes flew open and my heart slammed in my chest. Wow, my imagination was better than I thought. That had felt so real, as if he were really here. I felt Melissa’s eyes on me. I looked at her and she kept eye contact as she spoke.

“Garrett is here with us now and he wants me to tell you how much he loves and misses each of you, and his father. He wants you to know how sorry he is for causing you pain and he wants you to know that he is alright. He was at the funeral and he felt sad that he couldn’t make you feel him there. He says you need to eat the food that all those people keep bringing to the house. He is saying that mom needs to go back to normal. Dad and you are the best parents a kid could have and Max still needs you to be okay. Max, he wants you to take care of them and Rainey for him and make their lives fun again. He says nobody is better for the job than you. He loves you and is sorry you have to help him out one more time. You are the best brother and he loves you too.

“Rainey, “she seemed to pause as she listened to him, and I thought that nothing she just said meant anything. She would know that any kid would send love to his family.”He says to tell you your clock isn’t broken, it’s him trying to give you a sign that he is there. He says you should know that after the other messages he has sent to you.”

I must have gasped or something because Max and his mother both reached for me. “Rainey sweetheart, are you alright?” Mrs. McKinley asked, as Max put a protective arm around my shoulder.

I nodded, and my eyes met Melissa’s as I waited for more. I felt so many emotions at the same time, happiness, hope, shock and then crushing sadness because he was still never coming back. He wasn’t here all the way and he never would be. Yet, he had just told me he was still with me, my own invisible boyfriend. It would be enough. It would be everything just knowing he was there.

“He says he loves you and always will, but you have a whole big life to live. Don’t waste it being sad for him. He isn’t sad. He has a whole new life too. He just can’t begin it until he knows you are all okay.”

Melissa went on to tell Max that Garrett had turned on the video game that he thought was defective, and he had been the one turning off their Dad’s TV and their mom’s hairdryer but none of them had guessed it might be him. He says it is really difficult to do and he is glad you came here.”

Mrs. McKinley asked several more questions and then she got to the one I was afraid to ask. The one I dreaded the answer to. “How long will he be here?”

“He says he needs to go soon. He says he will check on you from time to time so pay attention. He will turn something off. He is laughing.”

Laughing? How could he be laughing? I felt the tears fill my eyes for the millionth time. This was crazy. I felt like I had reached the limit of my sanity and I would go insane any moment. Garrett was laughing while I sat here, we all sat here, slowly dying. We ached for him, we needed him, and he thought he would make a few jokes? I felt angry. I felt fury.

“Garrett!” I burst out, my voice hoarse from the tears, “None of this is funny! We need you. We miss you so much we can’t function. How can we just go back to our happy lives?”

Melissa smiled gently at me. Max took my hand and squeezed it. “Because Rainey, he says he can’t fix this. As much as you need him to be okay, he needs you to be okay too. He says you all need to do it, for each other.”

I heard his words, and they made so much sense but they seemed like the most impossible task in the world. Still, I would try for Garrett, and for all of us.

“He says to tell his dad how much he loves him and that he will love you all forever. Oh, and Rainey, he wants you to know you had nothing to do with his death, the argument and him coming home early did not mean a thing. One way or another it was meant for him to die. He says it was his time. Let go of the guilt. Let go of him. Take the ring off when you are ready and love again.”

There was a little more but I didn’t hear it. I was frozen. I was staring at the ring he gave me and wondering how he could want me to remove it and be with someone else. That would not happen. Max gently pulled me to my feet while Mrs. McKinley wrote a check for Melissa and we somehow thanked her and headed to the car. We did not speak again until I asked to be dropped off at home. I told them I would see them the next day and Max told me to call him if I needed to talk. I was thankful my parents were not home as I let myself in and headed straight for my room. I needed to see my clock, to know he hadn’t left yet. Running up the stairs I sighed in relief when I saw it there blinking red. I walked quickly to my desk to see my heart but it was gone. The multi-colored candies were now in the shape of a smiley face. I smiled too. I smiled through my tears.

Max

After we dropped Rainey at her house I looked at my mom. For the past three weeks I had worried about her and my dad. I had tried so hard to keep the three of us going and had wondered how being their only child would ever be enough. Mom had been so destroyed by Garrett’s death that I never expected to see her smile this way again, but her face was so full of joy.

“Mom are you okay?”

“I’m better than okay baby. I know Garrett’s still here. He’s still with us.”

“Yeah, he is mom, but he’s still dead.” I questioned how knowing your dead child is there but never really coming back could make everything better.

“I know that Max, but it’s just so amazing to be able to get messages from him. He’s not completely gone.”

Well, I thought to myself, for all practical purposes he is gone completely. If she was comforted by knowing her son was now a friendly ghost then I guess I should shut up and let her have that.

I bit my tongue and listened later at dinner as she relayed all of Garrett’s messages to my dad. Surprisingly, dad said he would like to go talk to Melissa too. I remembered how mom and dad used to make fun of those television mediums that claimed they spoke to the dead. Now they were believers. And, I guess I was too. Garrett had found ways to reach out and he had even told us it was difficult for him. I felt guilty for my negativity. I thought about how I had freaked out when I had received his text. At least I knew I wasn’t crazy. I promised myself I would be open to any future messages that he sent me. At the same time, I hoped he couldn’t read my mind because I was really conflicted about whether I even wanted more messages. Whatever happened to resting in peace?

Chapter 6

Rainey

At dinner that night I felt my parents silently communicating over my bowed head as I pushed my roasted vegetables and grilled chicken around on my plate. I concentrated on arranging it to make it look like I was actually eating some of it. My silence was wearing on them I knew and there was some part of me that felt bad, but not bad enough to change the behavior. Today’s events had exhausted and confused and comforted me in varying degrees and my energy was depleted. Tomorrow I would try to make them feel better. Tonight it just wasn’t possible.

“Rainey,” Mom said with fake enthusiasm. “We need to get our back to school shopping done. School starts soon and I thought you might like to ask Caitlynn to join us.”

“I don’t need anything Mom. I have plenty of clothes.” I kept my eyes down, pushing around my now cold food.

“Well, you need a backpack, and we always buy a new wardrobe and shoes. It is a tradition.”

“Mom, I’m a senior now. We can let go of the tradition. I have a backpack and it is perfectly fine. I have a lot of clothes. I don’t need anything.” I wanted to say that I wanted to use the backpack that Garrett had carried on his shoulder all last year and wear the clothes he had seen and touched. I wanted to tell them that I didn’t want to have things that he would never see. I wanted to say these things but I knew it would worry them more.

“Well then, maybe you don’t need anything Lamb, but wouldn’t it cheer you up to go on a shopping spree?” Dad said, trying to help mom out.

“No Dad, I’m really not up to it. I’m finished. Thank you anyway, Mom.” I stood up and carried my plate to the sink, watching as the food disappeared into the garbage disposal. I gave them both a smile that felt phony and forced. I said goodnight and retreated back to my room, feeling stricken when I saw my clock announcing 7:03. I glanced at the M&M’s still arranged in a smile and wondered if he was here now, or over at his house, or gone forever. And if indeed he was here right now, what good would it do if I couldn’t see him, feel him, breathe him?

I thought about calling Max, but decided against it. I was relying more and more on him as the days went by and how fair was that? Max had his own problems to deal with, and his parents on top of it. I needed to rely on myself but I craved his calm presence and the way he made me feel better, less alone. Maybe it was because he was Garrett’s twin. I didn’t really think that was it though. Max was just like that. He could always make you calm down and see things a little clearer. Once when Garrett and I had a fight I had started crying and went into the bathroom between the twins’ rooms. Garrett was upset too and left me to my tears, but Max had coaxed me in to opening up the door and had helped me get a grip and realize how silly the argument was. When I returned to Garrett and worked it all out I remember how he had leaned his head into Max’s room and said, “Hey thanks bro,” as we left arm in arm.