The Read And Weep Bundle: Anonymous, Perfectly Hopeless, Run (3 page)

Elle sat rigid in her seat. The room was obnoxiously white with tiny flecks of shadows cascading in different areas of the carpet. The potted plant hanging in the window reminded her of the time when she was little and had to spend the weekends at her grandmother’s. It took her back to the time when she sat on the old wooden swing and stared off into her grandmother’s large front yard counting fireflies as they flew by.

The sound of the doctor’s throat clearing pulled her from her memory.

“This is our third meeting.” His voice was soft, gentle even. Sort of melodic like the way she imagined the ocean just after a night’s rain.

She said nothing. She knew this was his way to draw some sort of response out of her, to get her to speak.

“How are you feeling today, Elle?” He crossed his legs and rested both hands on his knobby knee that protruded through the thin layer of fabric, a tiny bit of his expensive sock showing.

She moved her head a little, her soft pink lips parting as she ran her tongue against her bottom teeth. The sensation felt like razors, everything felt worse than anything she ever imagined anymore.

When she brushed her hair it felt like someone was yanking each individual strand out of her head. When she opened her eyes in the morning and the sunlight hit her, she felt like her eyes were going to roll so far back in her head she would never see them again—and she didn’t care. The only time she didn’t feel anything was when she was drinking. Then she was numb. But the harsh reality coupled with no longer having a bottle of vodka pressed against her chest was making everything real. And she didn’t like the feeling. Not one bit.

He repeated his question. He wasn’t upset that he had to. It came out just as soft and patient as the first time.

She shifted in her seat and concentrated on her white flip flops—the one thing that reminded her of life before this place.

A long silence hung between them; there was no clock, no television or any other fancy gadget to mask the silence.

“On a scale of one to ten where would you say you are today?” He raised an eyebrow and stared at her. And then he crossed his arms and stared some more. He wasn’t going to let up until she said something.

She pushed out a long breath of air, frustrated. “I don’t even know what that means, a scale of one to ten.” She dropped her foot to the ground and sat up straighter. “I’m in rehab.”

That didn’t come with a number. It made no sense.

“How you
feel
. I am well aware you know where you are. In all aspects of your life how do you feel? One being the worst and ten being the best.”

She sat back in her chair and mimicked his pose. “Zero. I feel zero.”

He smiled. Pleased with anything she was willing to give. He scribbled her response down on a small tablet and stood up.

“We will meet again this evening.” He extended a hand which she ignored, standing up and leaving, now that she knew she was free to
go back to her room.

She took her time heading down the hallway. It seemed to be the only time they trusted her to be a little free. She crossed her arms as she walked, concentrating on the railing that bordered the entire length of the hallway. She didn’t even notic
e him as she passed by his room, but he noticed her.

Immediately Hart dropped the book he was reading. The one his grandmother sent him in his weekly care package. One of those cheesy self-help types, he caught a glimpse of his image in the mirror above his dresser. He took a couple seconds running his hand through his hair and quickly found himself in the hallway.

She was trailing her fingertips against the wall lost in an obvious moment of what, he wasn’t sure of. She seemed to always be lost in some other place, never really here or there. He didn’t have to move much quicker before he was walking beside her.

“Four four seven two,” he said softly, staring down at her as she continued the mundane game with the wall. “It’s the code to access the door to the patio.”

She balled her hands into fist realizing she wasn’t alone anymore and merely feet from her room now. “And you know this why?”

He gave an impish grin that normally would have caught most girls off guard. He was handsome, he knew it, shit, the whole world knew it. But not her, at least it didn’t seem like it.

“I’ve been here long enough to know just about everything. Try me.”

She blinked herself into the moment. And her eyes met with his long enough to appreciate the way his dark lashes took over when he looked down at her. She sighed in annoyance and practically agony that this guy, this patient, was wasting time talking to her when he could probably be doing something better with his time. If only he knew even an ounce of what she had going on inside her head. He would know not to bother.

“Sorry, I got nothing.” She grumbled trying to go around him to her room. The sight of her red headed roommate stopped her in her tracks. She bit her lip turning back around. “Fine, prove it.”

He raised an eyebrow confused. “Prove you have the code to the outdoor patio.” She waved a hand toward the double doors hurrying him into motion. “Anything is better than dealing with red.”

He punched numbers into the keypad and suddenly the cool air was caressing her skin. She was shocked that she thought it felt nice. She carefully stepped outside and he followed. It was dark, and inviting.

He sat down first.

“How often do you break the rules?” She took the spot next to him, drawing her feet up to get more comfortable. “And aren’t you worried about getting caught?”

“Every chance I can get. That’s why we’re all here isn’t it?” He looked at her for a smile, but there was nothing. “They check rooms every two hours, unless you give them reason to look in on you.”

“Well aren’t they alerted every time the door gets opened?” She raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t take you for the worrying type.”

She pointed at the surveillance camera. “Nice try.”

Hart dropped back in his chair defeated. “So, you got me. Smile for the camera.”

Elle didn’t know it, but she was grinning. “I’m sure it works on all the ladies.”

Hart shrugged. “You’re the first to venture outdoors without hesitation. Most of these people tell me to f off.”

Elle looked him over. “Why?”

“Because they know enough to stay away from me, I don’t know.” For once he wasn’t willing to run at the mouth. She honored his silence and fell back into her own. If he didn’t want to be honest she didn’t care. It wasn’t like she was going to be honest with him. She was just glad to be out in the fresh air and away from her room. And even if she could be in trouble she didn’t care.

“How long are you here for?” Hart asked. He stared up at the sky, his hands rested on the front of his t-shirt.

“I don’t really know. A few months, until they can fix me, I didn’t pay attention to any of it.” She sighed and followed his g
aze. Inky black and tiny specks stared back at the two of them.

“Fix you. Do you think you’re broken?” Hart rubbed at his face feeling a bit agitated by her statement. He wasn’t sure why it bothered him, maybe the way her brother sat at the table days ago berating her, or how that mother of hers seemed so wrapped up in her own grief and making Elle better that she wasn’t even thinking about her at all.

“I think I failed,” she admitted. She failed at life. The one thing that to every other human on the planet was easy not to do she did. She killed someone.

“Because of your best friend right?” Hart sat up, resting
his hand on his knee. “Do you think she would say that you failed?”

Her stomach twisted into a tighter knot. “I don’t know. I don’t want to think about any of that. That doesn’t even matter.” The thought of Stephy made all the guilt come rushing back and now she was angry. She dropped her feet and stood up.

Hart watched her walk back inside leaving him by himself. She disappeared into her room. This time she wasn’t taking her time. The quicker she went the faster she could climb under the covers and try to fall asleep before Dr. Jon drug her back to another meeting, a meeting where he would try to force her to talk about her feelings.

As she drifted off to sleep it was Stephy’s face she saw. Eyes of blue, golden hair, that perfect smile, it was all gone. All because of her, she wished she never agreed to go that night. She wished she would have stayed home and studied for something or went to the movies with her boyfriend. But instead, she was roped into taking her parents car out that night.

And after her fifth shot of vodka she knew in the bathroom when she fell and hit her head that she wasn’t fit to drive them home. But she waited for Stephy to stop puking and off they went. It was the worst mistake of her life and the end of Stephy’s.

“Stephy put on your seatbelt,” she said buckling her own. She looked down at her cell, it was her brother, she ignored it and jabbed the keys into the ignition. Stephy had the window rolled down and was busy hooting and hollering at passing cars and college boys.

Her cell phone vibrated sliding across her seat. “If you need a ride say so, Elle.” Nick was texting her. He wanted to come get her and cover up her drunken mistake. But she ignored him.

Her dreams always ended the same way. Stephy laughing and then the shocking squeal of tires and just as the car headed for the
tree she woke up. She never could catch her breath at first, her palms were always sweaty and her heart, it was beating out of control. She never told anyone about the chest pains, she hoped they killed her.

She refused to look at him.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her.

Dr. Jon rattled on and on about recovery and where everyone should be in their personal processes. It was always the same spiel.

Sadie, Elle’s roommate watched Elle cautiously herself. After the night they had she was a bit leery of Elle. Elle’s screams woke her up. Some kind of a nightmare, she thought she was helping when she shook her. She didn’t think so anymore as she stared down at the bandage on her hand from where Elle clawed her. The girl had nearly broken her arm in half.

Dr. Jon cleared his throat and looked at Elle. “Elle, we want to hear from you. Give us a story.” Dr. Jon settled back in his seat waiting patiently.

“I don’t get it,” Elle said. After being locked in the place for a week she wasn’t as quiet anymore. Everything they wanted from her seemed stupid and more painful than helpful. And the idea they wanted everyone to share their messed up lives with each other that sounded more depressing and detrimental than anything.

The girl beside her crossed her arms immediately annoyed with Elle like usual.

“Fine. For the sake of everyone getting pissed off I will share.” She sighed avoiding all their eyes. They all were watching her like hungry wolves ready to devour her. “If I had to forgive one person in my life it would be my father.”

Dr. Jon nodded his head relieved she was willing to participate. “And why would he be the one you would want to forgive?”

Hart waited for the answer, curious to hear what she had to say.

“He made a lot of bad decisions; ones that I let affect me. But now that I am where I am I see that it doesn’t matter what anyone else does, it doesn’t make you who you are. It’s your own choices that dictate where you end up in life.” Like her choice to drive that night.

“Remarkable,” Dr. Jon said with a smile. He jotted some notes about her progress down and then focused his attention on Hart. “Hart, we haven’t forgotten about you.”

Hart sat up. “I thought by now you would get sick of hearing my answers, Dr. Jon.”

Dr. Jon smirked but offered no comeback. He waited patiently for Hart to give his own response.

“I’d forgive Maxine.” Hart’s fingers interlocked and rested against his stomach.

Dr. Jon nodded. “And why would you want to forgive Maxine?”

Hart’s eyes lost that sudden spark they once held. He always had a different answer. “Things could have been worse. Things could always be worse.”

The girl beside Elle grunted coming back to life and irritation. “Here he goes again always trying to look at the silver lining.” She blew her hair from her eyes, her head shaking side to side as she grew even more irritated.

Elle wondered why she was so angry, what was so great about her life if she was sitting right beside them in rehab? Obviously nothing.

“Cadence, this is Hart’s time. Remember we respect everyone’s right to share in group.” Dr. Jon settled back in his seat.

“Where’s your silver lining?” Hart threw out, staring Cadence down. “Maybe if you had one you wouldn’t keep showing back up all the time.”

A giggle escaped her lips. “Look who is talking. What is this? Your tenth visit?”

Elle hated to be a part of the argument, one that had nothing to do with her, but that’s the way they seemed to do everything.

“Don’t compare yourself to me. I didn’t leave my husband and kids to live a life on the streets smoking crack.” Hart’s words might have stung a normal individual, but not Cadence.

Elle flinched and
moved back when Cadence lunged for Hart.

“Get off of me!” s
he screamed, fighting the big burly guy that carried Elle’s luggage to her room on the first day.

“Hart
, take five outside,” Dr. Jon said standing up. It was his job to keep everyone in order and he wasn’t doing such a good job at the moment. “Everyone else back to your rooms or go to the leisure room.”

Elle carefully stepped around the still flailing Cadence and headed for the door. The place was becoming a nuthouse more and more. Hart punched the door to the patio open easily beating her out of the meeting room. She turned on her heels and squeezed through the door before it shut and took a seat out on the patio.

“You were kind of mean. I don’t blame her for flipping out.” Elle stared at the back of him, his hands held tight to the railing as he stared off.

“That’s an everyday occurrence; don’t be surprised if she attacks you tomorrow.” He took a seat. “And that wasn’t mean. It was the fucking truth. She lost her kids, she lost everything.”

Elle shrugged. “So what, I’m sure they are having a much better time without her.”

Hart shook his head. “And you call me mean.”

“You are.” She felt relief as soon as some light came back to his eyes and that impish smile erupted on his lips.

“Mean will get you far here.” He took the seat beside her. “Especially during visiting hours.”

Elle raised an eyebrow. “Are you talking about my brother?”

“I’m talking about both of them. You shouldn’t put up with that.”

She was clueless; it wasn’t like she paid attention to anything they had to say. The only time so far she had cared to listen was the few times her and Hart spoke. She wasn’t about to let him know that though.

“They don’t mean anything by it,” she said confidently.

“Oh yeah?” He nodded along with her. “You keep telling yourself that. See if that helps you make it through your first trip down rehab lane.”

“Are you always so rude?” She stood up as the light in the hallway changed from red to blue indicating visitation was beginning. “Aren’t we all here for the same reasons? From what I understand you just keep coming back.”

Hart rolled his eyes amused by the comeback she was willing to dish out. It was better than her usual somber self. He watched her head back inside for visitation. He stayed outside long enough to get his visitor to give up and leave so he didn’t have to be bothered.