The Nothingness of Ben (20 page)

“You’re an adult, Travis. I wasn’t aware I needed to hold your hand during a dinner party. Shit, I’m in charge of three boys. I don’t need a fourth.”

“You are a cold person, Ben Walsh.” He turned to walk away but then turned back. “And by the way, thanks for throwing David in my face. That was a real treat.”

“Fine. You’re right. So let’s just have it out.”

Travis reeled back and punched Ben in the jaw.

“What the….”

“You made me promise!” Travis’s eyes were ablaze with fury. “You made me say I’d come with you before I even knew what I was getting myself into. You and your fucking leap of faith. I was doing just fine before you came along. And now look at me. I don’t even recognize myself no more!”

“I never put a gun to your head.”

“I fell in love with you, Ben. I was walking in tall cotton. I finally had a real family. Someone was gonna love me and take care of me and let me love them back. If being gay was gonna bring me all that, then damn if it wasn’t the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“We’ve had a bad week.”

“I heard you in there. I was standing right there when David asked if you love me. I heard your answer.”

“I’m exhausted, Travis. Don’t pay attention to that.”

“You thought you loved me? What, so now you’ve changed your mind?”

“Travis….”

“No. You’ve ruined my life. If you’re done caring then so am I.”

Ben didn’t know what to say. A couple of women walked past them, averting their eyes so as not to intrude on their painfully private moment.

Ben noticed that the rain had stopped. “So that’s it?” he asked. He had stood here before, at the edge of the relationship cliff. He recognized it. A few well-chosen words would send them crashing onto the rocks below. Usually Ben would exhale a sigh of relief at this point. Usually
he
took his boyfriends to this place, but he didn’t like being brought here against his will. He wanted to pull them back from the edge.

Ben’s phone rang and he took it out of his pocket.

Quentin
.

He slid his thumb across the screen and put the phone to his ear.

“Ben, you need to come get us. Something’s happened to Jason.”

“What do you mean, something’s happened to Jason? Where are you?”

No answer. He heard Quentin talking to somebody. Travis looked at him, and Ben was sure he could see the panic on his face.

“What’s the matter?” Travis asked.

“I don’t know yet,” Ben whispered over the mouthpiece.

Quentin’s voice returned.

“Broadway and
Tenth Street.”

“Okay, hang tight and keep your phone handy. We’re about ten minutes away. I’ll call you when we get there.”

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

Quentin hung up.

“Shit,” Ben said. “Let’s go.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I have no idea.”

They ran to the corner and furiously waved down a taxi. Ben gave the driver the intersection and told him it was an emergency. His knee twitched up and down while the taxi maneuvered downtown toward the Village and then east toward Broadway.

“Is there any way to go faster?” Ben asked the driver, who pretended not to hear him.

“Everything’s gonna be okay,” Travis assured him.

“Bullshit.” Ben looked out the window. “Nothing is going to be okay.”

They finally pulled up to the intersection in front of Grace Church. Ben threw several bills at the driver and jumped out of the cab. He saw Quentin and Catherine standing across the street, next to an NYU dorm. Jason sat on the sidewalk. Ben and Travis ran over to them, and Ben immediately squatted down to check on Jason.

“What happened?” he barked.

Catherine answered. “It’s my fault, Ben. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“I wasn’t talking to you, Catherine. What happened, Q?”

“It was like a scene out of
Twelve
,” Quentin explained. “They had ‘Happy Birthday’ spelled out on the coffee table. In lines of coke.”

Ben looked up at him. “You let your brother do coke?”

“Jesus, of course not. Catherine introduced him to some of her gay friends, and I thought he would be okay.”

“He was having a good time,” Catherine added. “Then Nathan came and told me that he’d taken a tab of Ecstasy and was falling out.”

“Jason,” Ben said to his brother. “Can you talk to me?”

“I love you, Ben,” he answered, clearly disoriented but remarkably lucid. “You’re the best brother in the whole world.”

Ben looked up at Catherine. “Do you know how much he took?”

“Nathan said just the one capsule. It’s pure MDMA.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t cut with anything?”

“I’m sure. Nathan only buys pharmaceutical grade.”

“Has he thrown up yet?”

“Yeah,” Quentin said. “Just after I called you. What happened to your lip? Did you two get into a fight?”

Ben didn’t answer. He needed to think the situation through. He couldn’t take Jason back to the Mead house until he came down. He considered what his father would do. He’d take him to the hospital immediately. But Ben thought he had a better idea. And that’s when he felt it.

Forward momentum.

Ben was in the driver’s seat now and needed to follow his gut. His point of view was the one that mattered, not his father’s. A hospital would only freak Jason out. As unorthodox as it sounded, he needed to turn this experience around for his brother.

“Jason,” he said. “Can you stand up and lean on me?”

Jason put his arms around Ben’s neck and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. He kept his arm around Ben’s shoulder and leaned against his older brother.

“Catherine, can you get Quentin and Travis back to your house for me?”

“What are you going to do?” Quentin asked.

“Not now, Quentin. I’ll deal with you later. Catherine?”

“Of course. Anything. We can catch a cab right now.”

“Don’t say anything to your parents, please. If they ask, tell them Jason wanted to see the Village at night. Make something up, I don’t care.”

“I understand.”

Catherine grabbed Quentin by the sleeve of his coat and pulled him toward Broadway.

“Ben….”

“Please, Travis. Go with them. I got this, I promise. Leave me alone with him.”

Travis hesitated for a moment and then followed Quentin and Catherine as they crossed Broadway and hailed a taxi. Ben pointed himself and Jason in the opposite direction, toward University Place. After a few steps, Jason got his sea legs and could walk with only limited assistance from Ben. He looked up at the sky.

“It stopped raining.”

“That’s right, buddy. How are you feeling?”

“Like nothing in the world can hurt me ever again. Because I see how it’s all meant to be.”

“I know, Jason. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“Anything. Life. The universe. Mom and Dad, maybe.”

“Do you think we’ll ever see them again?”

“I hope so.”

Jason paused. “Me too. Ben, can I tell you something?”

“You can tell me anything, Jason.”

“You saved my life. You saved us all. Quentin told me they were going to split us up. I don’t know what I would have done if you had sent me to live with Uncle Nick. Or Uncle Sam. They hate me.”

“They don’t hate you.”

“They do. And they hate you too. Didn’t you know that?”

“No one’s splitting us up. Nothing bad is going to happen to you again. Ever.”

“Oh, Ben. Don’t you know you can’t say things like that and make them come true? I read, you know. A lot. You have no idea how many books are about the loss of innocence. I’m fourteen years old and I’m not supposed to understand that yet, but I do. You know you can’t protect us forever, right?”

“I can certainly try.”

Jason laughed. “Ben, do you think I’m too young to fall in love?”

“You might be. No need to rush into anything. Besides, you have lots of people who love you.”

“That’s not what I mean. I mean like you and Travis. Do you think anyone will ever love me like that?”

Ben’s mind flashed back to the dinner party and the argument on the street.

“You’re going to have all the boys lined up, young man. And the one who loves you is going to be the luckiest guy in the world.”

“Really, Ben, I’m not interested in boys lining up. If we’re being totally honest, I really liked Jake. A lot.”

They crossed University Place and continued down
Tenth Street toward
Fifth Avenue.

“Do you think you can walk on your own?” Ben asked.

They stopped and Jason removed his arm from around Ben’s shoulder. He stood still.

“Where are we?”

“The West Village.”

“Why are the streetlights so bright? And why is my skin tingling?”

“Do you remember taking something at the party?”

Jason smiled and began walking. “Nathan. He asked me if I’d ever done E before. I didn’t want to sound like a hick so I said sure. Am I in trouble?”

“No,” Ben assured him as they walked together. “You’re not in trouble. If anything, I’m in trouble. So tell me more about Jake.”

“He kissed me, Ben. He made my toes curl. Does Travis make your toes curl?”

“Yes, he does.”

“I thought so. But now he won’t talk to me. I mean, he’ll talk to me, but he doesn’t want to hang out anymore. Mom really flipped when she found us and he never recovered from that.”

“Can you blame him?”

Jason laughed again, louder.

“She really was the best mom ever, wasn’t she? But he said it was too much drama for him. Of course, I haven’t seen him since Mom and Dad died.”

Jason stopped.

“I think that’s the first time I’ve said that out loud. They’re really gone, aren’t they?”

“Yes, Jason. They’re really gone. But I’m here.”

Ben put his arm around his brother and continued walking.

“Hey,” Jason said, “maybe we can go to an Out Youth potluck sometime. You and me.”

“Of course we can do that. But first, let’s stop at this deli and get you something to drink. Only thing is, we’re going to be quiet while we’re in there. We don’t want the guy listening to our conversation, okay?”

“A secret. I understand.”

Ben steered them into the deli and quickly snatched an orange juice and a bottle of water from the refrigerated section. He added a pack of sugarless gum and paid for the items, after which he got them back out the door.

“Here, drink this,” he said, opening the orange juice and handing it to Jason. He took a large gulp and then handed it back to Ben, who opened the bottle of water. “Now this,” he repeated, handing the second bottle over. Jason took a swig and tried to hand that back as well. “No, you keep that. And chew this,” Ben instructed, opening up the pack of gum and then unwrapping a stick for Jason, who took it and popped it into his mouth.

“Yum. Grape. What happened to your face, by the way?”

“Travis hit me.”

Jason started laughing. “Really? What did you do?”

“I asked him to make a promise he couldn’t keep.”

“Ben, for being so smart, you’re not too bright sometimes.”

“Yeah, I know. Now let’s keep walking. Try to go easy on the gum chewing, but without it, you’ll start grinding your teeth. And I want you to drink that water or else you’ll get dehydrated.”

“Okay,” Jason agreed, now heading toward
Sixth Avenue. He looked around at the buildings, the trees on the street, the lights in the windows, and the people passing by. “I missed you so much when you were gone, but now I can see why you had to be here. It’s like another world. Are we really going to move?”

“I don’t know,” Ben replied. He now seriously doubted that they could live together in this place. “Do you want to move here?”

“I don’t know either. I lied when you asked if I was being bullied at school. Some of the boys call me a faggot and tell me I need to use the girl’s restroom. How do they know? I haven’t told anyone at school and no one at the potluck would have said anything.”

“Nobody said anything, Jason. They just know. I’ll be talking to someone when we get home. I promise. And we’ll get you into a private school next year. No matter where we are.”

“Really? You would do that for me?”

“I’d do anything for you boys.”

“Dad said that public schools were the backbone of our educational system and look what they did for him.”

“Yes, I know that. But maybe he didn’t understand the specifics of the case, and if he did, I think he would rule in my favor.”

“I disappointed him. Do you think he forgives us for being gay?”

Ben looked over at his brother.

“There’s nothing to forgive. We didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yes, he forgives us.”

“How do you know for sure?”

“Because I talked to him about a month ago. He made me migas.”

Jason slapped Ben on the arm. “What’s wrong with you? Dead people can’t make migas.”

“I know that. But he told me he was fine with the gay thing. So you can put those worries to rest, okay?”

“Okay. Can we walk around some more? There’s got to be some cool stuff in this neighborhood.”

“Sure, Jason. Let’s keep walking, and I’ll show you some of the cool stuff. You remember Thomas Wolfe? The guy who wrote
Look Homeward, Angel
?”

“One of Dad’s favorite books! I just finished it,” Jason said, quoting, “We can believe in the nothingness of life, we can believe in the nothingness of death and of life after death—but who can believe in the nothingness of Ben
?
”

“That’s right. I like that part. He used to live right up here. So did E. E. Cummings. And Edgar Allan Poe.”

“They all lived here?”

“Yep. Let’s keep walking and I’ll show you.”

They walked around Greenwich Village for another hour or so. Ben pointed out the homes of all the famous authors he knew. Then they went down to Christopher Street, and Ben showed him the Stonewall Inn and explained how the gay rights movement started there back in 1969. Finally, Jason stopped walking and looked around as if he had been suddenly dropped onto the street.

“What happened?” Jason asked.

Ben turned toward him and looked into Jason’s eyes, which were beginning to dilate normally again. The ride had ended.