The Nothingness of Ben (23 page)

“He’s a good kid,” Ben whispered back. “They seem to be having a great time.”

“He’s a natural. He can really feel the boat.”

They stopped whispering and changed the subject.

“So,” said Colin. “How the hell are you doing?”

“I’m okay. I’ll be studying for the bar this summer. Can you believe it? Again? I thought I was past all that.”

“Don’t sweat it, Walsh. You could probably ace it without all the studying.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I’m not going to take that chance. How are things going with you?”

“Not bad. I should probably tell you that David and I are seeing each other.”

Ben shook his head and smiled. “I knew it.”

“Are you okay with that? I’m not very good with the bro code or whatever it’s called.”

“Colin, I’m okay with it.” And he meant it. “You guys are perfect for each other, actually.”

“Have you heard from Travis?”

Ben shook his head. “No. I don’t expect I will until he gets back. If he gets back.”

“Alaska, eh? I kind of like him now. Not that I didn’t before, I was just very Switzerland about the whole thing. Look, we all have our Scudder fantasy but—”

“Colin, please. Travis is nothing like Alec Scudder. I never once met him at the boathouse without fail.”

“Would you let me finish? First, Scudder was hot. Second, I was wrong to limit Travis with my narrow view of the world. There’s something there. You called a time-out and he called your bluff. Good for him, because frankly, it was a stupid idea to begin with. It’s a relationship, not a football game. And third, I’m sorry for inviting David to dinner that night.”

“It’s all water under the bridge. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—other than my brothers, you are the only person I love unconditionally. You know I’m always going to depend on you, no matter what….”

“Yes, I know.”

“And someday… I haven’t forgotten.”

“And neither have I.”

“So enjoy yourself with David. He’s an awesome guy and deserves someone like you.”

The second night of the sailing weekend, Colin and Jason surprised everyone with a cake for Cade’s thirteenth birthday (his new bike had already been unveiled at home).

A
S
J
UNE
stretched into July, Dakota and Jake became semipermanent fixtures at the Walsh house. One night in midsummer, Ben got a call from Dakota’s mother, Ingrid Hayes. She invited him and Quentin to dinner. Ben politely accepted, and they combed their hair and shinned their shoes in an attempt to make a good impression.

“Just don’t be a dork,” Quentin reminded him.

Ben found dinner at the Hayes’s house pleasant enough, though not as warm as the McAlisters’. Dakota’s parents were a tad too uptight for his taste. After dessert, Gregg Hayes politely asked his daughter and Quentin to leave the room.

Uh-oh
, Ben thought.

Quentin and Dakota went into the living room, leaving Ben alone with Gregg and Ingrid Hayes.

He waited.

“We just wanted to get your impression,” Gregg began, “of the relationship Quentin is having with Dakota.”

Ben measured his words carefully. “My brother is an awesome kid and I know you’re not saying that he isn’t. But that’s part of my impression.” Ben decided that, once again, the direct approach was best. “I think what you’re really asking, though, is do I think they’re having sex?”

Ingrid nodded.

Ben took a deep breath and continued. “No, they’re not—at least not yet. But they’re both seventeen. In the state of Texas, they can now legally consent to a sexual relationship with each other.” Ben laughed. “Not like that would have stopped them before. They just haven’t been ready. Why didn’t you talk to her about this?”

Gregg and Ingrid looked at each other.

“We did,” Gregg said. “She told us they weren’t.”

“And you didn’t believe her?”

Their silence spoke volumes.

“Look, I am not Quentin’s father, but I am his guardian, and I think part of what that means is knowing when to let go. That’s where we are. This is their decision to make, and I have a feeling it’s right around the corner. I think what we can do for them is provide information and be supportive if their hearts get broken. Which, inevitably, they will. I’ll be honest with you—I’ve already talked to both of them about this on more than one occasion. I hope you don’t think I’ve crossed a line or something.”

“No!” Ingrid assured him. “I’m… terrified of what she might go through. But I can’t protect her from it.”

“And you wouldn’t want to,” Ben added. “This is a part of growing up. Trust me, I’ve explained to Quentin that pregnancy is not an option. I think that condoms in combination with another form of birth control would be a good idea. Whatever you think is best, Mrs. Hayes. But I think the condoms are important for Quentin. They can be his responsibility—to remind him of the consequences and make him a participant in all this.”

Gregg nodded. “We’re on the same page. I hope you understand why we brought it up.”

“Of course, I understand. I have no idea what I’m doing half the time. Really, I’m learning most of this as I go along. Do you have any other kids, though?”

“Yes,” Gregg answered.

“Another girl and a boy,” Ingrid continued. “We sent them to their grandparents for the evening.”

“Well, Quentin and Dakota have known each other for a year and a half. Why didn’t you have this conversation with my parents when they first started dating?”

“I’m afraid we had our heads in the sand,” said Gregg.

“I’m just saying that you have other children. And now you don’t have your heads in the sand.”

“You’re right,” Ingrid said. “It’s not like we know what we’re doing, either, Ben. Dakota is our first teenager. We’re all learning as we go along.”

Austin parents, to Ben’s surprise, were at least cool about their denial. On the way home, Ben noticed Quentin had little to say.

“What’s wrong?” Ben asked.

“Nothing.”

“Doesn’t sound like nothing.”

Quentin paused.

“Okay, I’m scared. I mean, what if I’m no good at it?”

“Are we talking about sex?”

“That’s what all that was about, wasn’t it? Sending us into the living room?”

“Yes. Her parents are concerned. I told them what you told me.”

“And that’s the truth. You’re my brother, Ben. I’m not going to lie to you about
not
sleeping with my girlfriend. We talk about it a lot but… what if I’m no good at it?”

Ben smiled in the dark truck. “Quentin, let me just say that no one’s good at it right out of the gate. But you have an honest heart and a sense of humor. Now all you need is practice. You’ll be great at it. I promise. It’s not rocket science.”

“How old were you?”

“When I lost my virginity?”

“Yeah.”

“Sixteen to a girl. Fifteen to a boy.”

“Fifteen? Jesus.”

“He was really cute. Look, if you want my advice, then don’t wait too long. Don’t turn this into… something else. I know you care about her. It’s a good thing to express it. Besides,” Ben said as he punched Quentin on the arm, “it will also make you less angry, which for you could be a good thing.”

“Eff you. Chicks like brooding. It’s a known fact.”

“At first, maybe. But… you’re lucky, that’s all. You have someone you really dig. That’s what it’s all about.”

I
N
LATE
July, Ben quietly celebrated his twenty-eighth birthday with his brothers. He remembered it was Travis’s birthday too. He wondered if someone threw a party for him up there in Alaska. That night, Ben finally tried calling the cell number he had for him, but Travis, who favored cheap, pay-as-you-go phones, didn’t answer. He had no doubt picked up a new phone with a local number. As Ben was putting the phone back into his pocket, it started to ring. Julie. She had reached out several times over the months since the funeral, but he had always come up with an excuse not to see her.

“Happy Birthday, Ben,” she began. “I’m coming to Austin next week for an arts and crafts show. Can we have lunch?”

Ben hesitated again but decided that he couldn’t put it off any longer. They arranged to meet at Eastside Cafe while Julie was in town.

When Ben arrived, he found her waiting for him on the front porch of the restaurant. After they were seated and Ben had ordered his customary half order of artichoke manicotti, Julie unrolled her napkin and placed the silverware meticulously next to her plate. She laid the napkin on her lap and smoothed it over once.

“How are you doing?” she asked.

Ben paused, and then he said, “Things are settling down. I’m taking the Texas Bar in a couple of weeks. After that, I’ll need to decide on a firm.”

“And your brothers?”

“We’re getting there. It hasn’t been easy and….” Ben stopped himself. He wanted to paint a secure and stable picture for Julie, but it felt false. “You were right. I wasn’t prepared for the task. But I’m doing better. Like I said, we’re getting there.”

“I did what I had to do, Ben.”

He scoffed at the suggestion. “Threatening to sue for custody? That’s what you had to do?”

“It worked, didn’t it?”

Their waitress brought them a basket of jalapeno cornbread muffins. Ben sliced one open and slathered it with butter while he considered Julie’s question.

“What do you mean, it worked?”

Julie smiled. “Men are all alike. You think you’re the smartest people in the room, but your psychology is painfully simple.”

“Julie, if you came all this way just to insult me, please….”

“I didn’t do anything of the sort. When you showed up at the house last Christmas, I could see it on your face plain as day.”

“See what?”

“Terror. Ben… I need to tell you something. I never believed that your brothers would be better off with us. I know about Jason. Your mother called me right after she found him with that boy. Grace wanted to call you and ask if you could come home, but Bill talked her out of it. She was afraid that she would fail with Jason the same way she failed with you.”

“What are you talking about? She didn’t fail with me.”

“When your child leaves home and only comes back once a year, and would rather spend his summers sailing in the Hamptons with someone else’s family, mothers see that as a failure.”

Ben sat, dumbstruck.

“Sam and Nick brought up the custody issue,” she continued. “I knew there was no way it would ever go anywhere, but I decided to play along because… well, like I said, you boys are all alike. You’re fine doubting yourselves, but if someone else doubts you, it becomes….”

“A challenge,” Ben muttered.

“Yes. I knew you didn’t want the job, but when I suggested that you couldn’t
do
the job, well… you set your heels in and became determined to prove me wrong. Like I said, it worked.”

Ben laughed. “Julie, you are full of surprises.”

She smiled and took a small bite of her muffin. “I hope you’ll come to Dallas one of these days for a visit. You and your brothers still have a family, you know?”

“Do Sam and Nick feel the same way?”

“I don’t speak for my brothers, Ben. I’m here on my own. I understand they haven’t always been supportive of you.”

“Sam called me a pretentious little prick.”

“Well, in his defense, you did get a little full of yourself for a while there.”

Ben paused and looked at her. “Fair enough.”

“I would like my girls to grow up knowing their cousins.
All
their cousins, even the gay ones. Please, consider it.”

“Thanks, Julie. Of course we’ll come for a visit. I don’t know if it will happen before school starts, but definitely by Christmas.”

Their lunch arrived and they spent the rest of the time catching up. Ben told her about his misguided idea to move them all to Manhattan, and Julie laughed out loud.

“Sorry,” she said, taking a drink of iced tea. “I’m just trying to picture Quentin in New York City.”

S
OMETIMES
at night, driven to distraction by the heat of a Texas summer, Ben would lie in bed and trace Travis’s body in his mind. He ran his fingers across the strong pectoral muscles and down the flat stomach with the light coat of fur. He placed a hand on each of Travis’s shoulders and felt his way down the slope of his biceps, his cool and pale skin. Ben pulled him into an embrace, allowing his hands to navigate the terrain of Travis’s back side. He explored the way his lats tapered into a perfect V, the hollow space at the small of his back, and the round lift of his ass. If he backed up and looked down, he could see Travis’s cock jutting out. If he did that, Ben could feel his own erection start to stir. And that was how he jacked off most nights—dreaming of Travis.

C
ADE
played baseball all summer long, both Little League and pickup games at the intramural fields. Like Travis, Cade embraced being a Texan. A typical Austin summer day of 105 degrees barely affected him. Of all his brothers, he seemed to require the least amount of attention. One night in early August, as they drove home from another winning game, Cade told Ben about his plan to play shortstop at UT. “I want it more than anything in the world, but I can’t believe it’s so far away.”

“Don’t rush it, squirt. How are you doing these days?”

“I’m good. How are you doing?”

Ben smiled.

“I’m good too. The bar exam is next week. It’s….”

“Weird?”

“Yeah. Weird. Feels like a step backward, even though I know it’s just a formality.”

“You miss Travis?” Cade asked.

Ben made sure to look forward as he continued driving.

“Kind of. I guess. I haven’t talked to him, so I’m not sure what’s going on exactly. That part isn’t much fun.”

“Don’t worry,” Cade said. “I know for a fact it won’t be long now.”

“Have you talked to him?”

“No. But once the days start to get shorter, he’ll head south. Besides, there’s no way he would leave for good without saying good-bye to me. And since he didn’t say good-bye to me, then he must not be gone for good. And he wrote it on the map. He’s coming back, Ben. I’ll bet you a hundred dollars.”