The Nothingness of Ben (26 page)

“I do have a question,” Ben said.

“What’s that?”

“Obviously, you told Mrs. Wright to only give me the map if I was staying. So if we had moved, that would have been it? You never would have said good-bye?”

Travis looked away.

“I was lost, Ben, and saying good-bye wasn’t really on my mind. If you were moving to New York and stopping by Mrs. Wright’s place to say adios, I sure as hell didn’t want her giving you a map that said, ‘I’m coming back.’ In that case, I wanted you to forget about me and move on.”

“Okay. I get it.”

“I hope so, because I didn’t know what else to do. I just couldn’t stay in Austin. I couldn’t sit across the street day after day wondering when your time-out was gonna end.”

Ben turned to him and tried to smile. “I’m sorry I fucked it up. You did the right thing. I didn’t mean to make you feel like it was your… never mind, you did the right thing.”

When Travis left that night, Ben almost leaned over to kiss him, but he didn’t follow through on the impulse. Travis walked up to Ben and wrapped his arms around him again. This time, though, before he pulled away, Ben quickly caught him in an embrace. Travis didn’t struggle, and they stood that way in the backyard for several moments. If Travis had lifted his head, it would have been all over. They would have started kissing and then, well, they both knew the way to the bedroom. But Travis didn’t lift his head, and they didn’t kiss.

Instead, he went back to Darrell’s house like he had the night before.

O
VER
the next week, Travis came around almost every afternoon and Ben tried to get out of work early. Jason brought Jake over on the weekend to meet ‘the mysterious Travis’ (Jake’s words), and Dakota joined them on Sunday for bowling. It felt like old times, except Travis never spent the night. Ben waited for a sign but Travis kept his distance, like he had become a guest again instead of a member of the family.

On Tuesday, Travis announced he had accepted the new job and had a plane ticket to LA on Thursday evening. Ben continued to steadfastly support his decision to take the offer, even though his heart broke underneath his good intentions. The following night, Travis came over to the house for dinner and to say good-bye. He told Cade he didn’t know when he would be back in Austin, but he promised to check in more often by phone. He gave all three boys big hugs and then kept stalling as he stood on the front porch with Ben. They both squirmed, knowing it might be the last time.

“I’ll see you later, Atwood.”

Travis hesitated, biting down on his lower lip, until there was nothing left to say except, “Good-bye, Ben.”

Then he got into his truck and drove away.

Ben felt blood rush from his face and the world receded into the same cavernous silence that had followed that fateful phone call from Father Davenport ten months ago. He went back into the house, where Quentin stood waiting for him, his arms akimbo.

“What’s wrong with you, big brother?”

Ben rubbed his forehead. “What are you talking about?”

“Why didn’t you ask him to stay?”

“Because. It’s a great opportunity for him and I’m done being a selfish prick. I thought you’d approve.”

“No, I don’t approve. It’s a great opportunity for somebody, but not for him. And it’s not being selfish if it’s what he wants. He was waiting for you to ask him, moron. To stay.”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“
Yes, he was
. You’re the one that tagged out, Ben, not him. And I get why you did it. Everyone does, even Travis. Someone slipped Jason some drugs, and in some misguided attempt to fix everything, you told the one person you needed the most to go away. Do you not even recognize when the ball is in your court?”

Ben didn’t respond.

“Okay,” Quentin said quietly, “I’ll give you a little piece of intel. He doesn’t want to go to the South Pacific.”

“Then why didn’t he say that?”

“Because he needs to hear you’re ready for him. For real, this time. He needs to hear that you have your shit together and it’s time for him to come home. I get it—you think you can’t be a boyfriend and a parent at the same time. But that’s bullshit. Being a boyfriend makes you a better parent. He’s ready, you’re ready—the timing is perfect.”

“How do you know all this?”

“Because I pay attention. Sometimes you’re too wrapped up in
The Ben Show
to notice what’s going on right in front of your face. But I have your back.”

“There’s nothing I can do about it now. He went to Darrell’s and tomorrow he’ll be gone.”

“Call him.”

Ben took out his phone and made the call. “It’s dead again. He’s let it run out of minutes. And I don’t know where Darrell lives. It’s too late.”

“It’s not too late. He’s going to be at the shop tomorrow afternoon. Darrell is taking him to the airport.”

“What time?”

“After lunch. Please, Ben, be there. You’re driving me nuts with all your moping around. You’ve got to fix this.”

“Hey, Ben.” It was Jason, coming down the stairs holding his phone out.

“What’s going on?”

“It’s Jake. He wants to talk to you.”

Ben took the phone and put it to his ear. “Hello.”

“Hi, Ben. It’s Jake.”

“Hi, Jake. What’s up?”

“I heard my dad talking to my mom tonight. He was telling her what he told you, about encouraging Travis to take that job and go away again.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I probably shouldn’t say this, but I don’t agree with him at all. You could have encouraged Jason to do the same thing. With me, I mean. You could have told him to move on and forget about me, that I had acted like a jerk and didn’t deserve another chance. But you didn’t tell him that. You helped bring us together. I knew what you were doing with the sailing trip last spring.”

“You did?”

“Please, it was so obvious. You think I’ve never seen
The Sting
? The whole thing was just your way of giving Jason and me another shot. I thought it was really cool that he had a brother who cared so much. Anyway, I think you should follow your own advice and not my dad’s. Everyone deserves a second chance, Ben, especially you and Travis. I got a really good vibe from him. I think he’s the one for you.”

T
HE
next day, Ben took the afternoon off from work and headed over to the shop around one in the afternoon. Darrell was helping another customer when he arrived.

“I’ll be right with you, Ben.”

Ben looked through the glass window into the shop. While Ed and Royce worked on vehicles hoisted over their heads, Topher looked over and waved at Ben, who waved back. Travis had nothing but good things to say about the men he worked with, and they had always treated Ben like one of the family.

“What can I do for you?” Darrell asked.

“Hi, Darrell,” Ben said, offering his hand. “My brother told me you’re taking Travis to the airport this afternoon.”

“That’s right. He’s out running some errands but he should be back pretty soon. I think we’re heading out around four. Can I give him a message?”

“Would you mind if I waited for him?”

“Not at all. You can call him if you’d like. He got a new phone this morning.”

“No, I think this is something I need to do in person.”

“I understand. There’s coffee and some stale donuts in the back if you care for any. Help yourself.”

“Thanks.”

Darrell disappeared into the back office, and Ben took a chair in the waiting area. He grabbed the remote and flipped through a few channels on the television. When nothing caught his eye, he did some reading on his phone. Two hours passed. Ben could see into the shop and knew the men were talking about him. He had his head down and his ear buds in when Royce poked his head through the waiting room door.

“Psst! Ben!”

Ben looked up and took his ear buds out.

“He’s here.”

“Thanks, man.”

“No problem,” Royce whispered. “Good luck.”

Ben stuffed his phone into his pocket and left the shop. He saw Travis standing outside the bays with two duffel bags at his feet. He watched as Travis talked to Ed, waving his hands around about something. Ed, who saw Ben coming up from behind, slapped Travis on the shoulder.

“Have a good trip, buddy. Ben, good to see you.”

“You too, Ed.”

Travis turned around and looked at him. “Did something happen?” he asked, slightly panicked. “To one of the boys?”

“No, everyone’s fine.”

Travis paused to process the information.

“Then what are you doing here?”

Ben looked at him.

“I came to ask you not to go.”

“What?”

“I can explain, really. When we went to New York last spring and everything fell apart, I know I pulled away. I got swept up in my own forward momentum. But you didn’t wait for me like you said you would.”

“I did wait for you. I just did it in Alaska.”

Ben put his hand to his forehead.

“I’m saying this all wrong. I just realized it sounds like a goddamned closing argument.”

Travis laughed. “It’s okay, Ben. Start over and say what you have to say. I promise not to interrupt no more.”

“Okay,” Ben said, taking a breath. “Whatever happened after New York, that was my fault. I got the outcome I asked for. But I said a lot of things on that plane ride back to Austin, things I regretted later, big-time. I thought you were a distraction. I thought I would be able to manage things better on my own. I was wrong about all that.” Ben bit down on his lip to keep his emotions in check. He looked into Travis’s eyes and saw tears welling up. “So I’m talking to Quentin last night after you left, and he’s telling me I’m a moron, as usual. You came back and I never told you that I was wrong to push you away. I never told you that I have my shit together now and I’m ready to be with you. So here it is.
I was wrong and I’m ready
. Please, Travis, stay with me. You once told me there’s nothing broken here that can’t be fixed. But if you leave, I’ll still be broken.”

Travis stood in silence, tears streaming down his face.

“Please,” Ben repeated. “I’m begging you. Come home and fix me.”

Ed, Topher, and Royce watched and waited for him to answer. Darrell caught wind of the scene and came out to investigate. “What’s going on here?” he asked. “Travis, everything okay?”

“It sure as hell is, Darrell,” he answered, not taking his eyes off Ben. “What do you think I’ve been waiting for, Obi-Wan?”

“Did I get it right?”

“Fuck yes, you got it right. I didn’t want to go to no godforsaken South Pacific. But you kept telling me to—”

“I was trying not to be—”

“Stop,” Travis said, smiling. “Let me talk now. I spent most of my time in Alaska thinking about everything we been through, trying to sort it all out. Until I realized it’s simple. You’re it, Ben. Ever since the knees under the table.”

“You mean…?”

“Yes. On New Year’s Eve. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but my knee just fit there naturally against yours. And that’s when I knew. I broke up with Trisha that night.”

Ben looked surprised. “But you told me….”

“I’m sorry I lied to you. I was scared, Ben. I didn’t know what to say. All I knew was that I—”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Are you ready for me to come back? For good this time?”

“I am way past ready. I have missed you so much I can’t even begin to—”

Travis ran forward and threw his arms around Ben’s neck. Their lips met, and Ben kissed him.

“Hey, Travis,” Darrell called, grinning. “You need your old job back?”

Chapter 17

A
FTER
he called and told the Berkeley team that he wouldn’t be joining them in the South Pacific, Travis went back to the Walsh house with Ben and they broke the news to the brothers. Everyone expressed their delight, but no one more than Cade, who had missed Travis something fierce.

“Are you gonna move in here?” he asked.

Travis looked at Ben, who did not hesitate.

“This is your home now. With us. Did you put all your stuff into storage?”

“Yeah,” Travis answered. “Some place up on North Lamar.”

“Then we’ll go get everything this weekend.”

T
WO
days later, Travis fell asleep on one of the sofas after a long day of moving boxes. He stretched out on his side in blue jeans and a brown
Keep Austin Weird
T-shirt, his head resting on the sofa’s arm. He stretched his right leg out, his left knee bent and tucked toward his body so that he could lie half on his side and half on his stomach, his arms crossed in front of him. His boots and socks sat bundled together on the floor. Ben watched him from the hallway. It was Saturday afternoon and his brothers had left for the day. Ben couldn’t hear a sound except the din of freeway traffic that played on a continuous loop in the background. He crossed to the sofa and sat down. Ben lifted Travis’s bare foot and gently laid it down on his lap, nestling it into the crotch of his blue jeans. He put his right hand on Travis’s back, circling with his fingers, and with his other hand, he reached up into Travis’s jeans to caress his leg. He moved down and rubbed Travis’s foot and then worked his hand back up the length of his calf and thigh, bringing it to rest on Travis’s denim-covered ass. He ran his fingers up and down Travis’s leg and then hooked them into the back pocket of his jeans.