The Nothing (15 page)

Shelton Greenway staff receive 50% off Newlove.com membership.
Meet the love of your life today
!

Martha had hea
rd others talk about online dating. Even though it is a socially acceptable practice in modern times, Martha remembers years earlier when it was looked at weirdly. Back then people would say, “If you can’t find someone in real life, then you have problems because only people who are ugly or have something to hide lurk online for dates.” Or, “Most of the men online are only looking for sex. They say they want a relationship. They say what you want to hear and then once you have sex with them, they don’t return your calls.” Almost everyone Martha knows have dated people online. One of her coworkers met her husband through Newlove.com, which also has offices in the building, suite 410.
Guess the business must be booming. Has to be since our leases are some of the highest in the city. Wish I knew how to use a computer better. I would warn everyone that men in real life are the same as the ones online. They act nice and then something happens that shows how they really are.

Martha
had accepted that she might be single for the rest of her life. At times, she was content with it. But other times, she felt lonely. Mostly, all she wants is her two cats Sady and Malory. She enjoys watching her reality shows on TV. Yet what Martha mostly thinks about is Raymond having his own family. There are dreams of spoiling her Grandchildren and loving her future daughter in law. She sees herself surrounded by this new family every day, being the old wise woman that everyone loves to sit and listen to. Oh the stories that Martha would tell! Life had brought many challenging events and adventures. Some were happy but too many were sad. Her goal would be to prevent any sadness or tragedy from befalling on Raymond’s family. To protect them at all costs.

Aside from the world around her and the people she has
, and eventually will take care of, Martha sometimes wonders how it would feel if a new man touched her. The question of being selfish consumed her after thoughts like that. Should she take something for herself? Will focusing on her own joy and happiness take away her ability to take care of those she loves? These questions cause her pause when she begins to think of having a new man in her life. On many Sundays, Pastor Ben had preached on sacrifice and service to others. And those teachings would cause conflict for Martha when she felt lonely and in the mood for a man’s touch. After watching a movie or TV show that depicts fairytale love, Martha would imagine herself in the role of the beautiful woman swept off her feet by the handsome hero. In the grocery store she might notice that a handsome man at the other end of the isle is checking her out. She doesn’t look at him, but pretends that he is looking at her as they do in the movies when it is love at first site. But Martha avoids interactions such as this. Often it is her being shy. Other times it is discouragement. In many conversations about love around many tables, the same mantra is repeated, “It never happens like the movies,” “A real man is rare these days,” or “All men are liars and cheaters.”

With the negative stereotypes surrounding men, love and relationships, Martha would make herself remember
how special she feels in church and in God’s eyes.
God will bless me because I am still pure and innocent. I have only loved my husband and have taken the best care I could of my little Raymond. Why wouldn’t he bless me? Maybe God will bless me with a man that my husband could smile at from Heaven and that would love Raymond as a son.
But
how could anyone ever be as good as Hector? I always believed that God made my life for him. Those were the most wonderful years of my life. Never have I known such a caring, loving, honest and hardworking man before him or after him. It has been eighteen years since he died, and not once has any man impressed me or made me feel loved like Hector did.

Disconnecting and forgetting
the happiness she felt when her husband was alive has been Martha’s survival mechanism. Her desire to die with Hector was so powerful in his last moments. But then Martha would see little Raymond. Since then, her focus has been on him and trying to make a life for him. Martha had hoped to become more successful and provide better things for Raymond while he was growing up. Hector had built up $210,000 in savings and had a $100,000 life insurance policy when he died. Unfortunately a large portion of that was used to settle the estate for hospital and cancer treatment costs. Fighting lung cancer can be the most expensive battle anyone faces. Even in the richest country on Earth, a family can lose everything while the hospitals and insurance companies post record profits. Martha doesn’t have very high opinions of the government or any politician.

Does our government even care?
Do they ever get any work done? Even the historic healthcare reform turned out to be a joke. Politicians had promised affordable insurance for every American. The whole fight for healthcare reform was just a gimmick used by both sides for political credit. Yes it was true that the premiums were income based and subsidized by the government making them affordable for everyone. But what wasn’t broadcasted was that the cheaper premiums came with outrageous deductibles and co-pays that most couldn’t afford. And unfortunately it became law that everyone was required to buy insurance. That was how the President could brag that every American would be covered; by forcing them to buy it. But what is most hilarious is that the opposition, who so viciously attacked the new healthcare bill, didn’t have a better solution or any new ideas at all for healthcare reform. They just did a whole lot of talking. I’m like; if you think it is so bad, why don’t you come up with something better? To the President’s credit, he was the only one doing any work. But too many voters still believe the well rehearsed and tactfully written rhetoric by politicians that is broadcasted on TV. That is what scares me the most.

Hector
had managed to take out healthcare policies on Martha and Raymond. Unfortunately he couldn’t afford a policy for himself. His main purpose in life was to make sure his own family would be ok. Hector made enough to provide everything for his family, just not for himself. In the end, after the government took their taxes on his death, settled with the hospitals and cancer treatment centers, Martha was left with $35,000. That money went into making the house payments until the threat of foreclosure caused her to sell and move into an apartment. She tried to figure out a way to keep everything, but in the end, she couldn’t make as much money as Hector did as a police officer.

Eightee
n years haven’t made dealing with life any easier. Lately though, as soon as her head hits the pillow, Martha starts thinking about sex. The last man to touch her was her husband. Even after he became sick with cancer and wasn’t able to make love, his touches and caresses still gave her satisfaction and happiness. Martha has tried to imagine herself emotionally connecting with someone. But as the years have gone on, it quickly turns sexual. And not the loving sexual memories she has of Hector, but the graphic and casual sex scenes that have come to dominate primetime family television.

Television an
d movies use to be big on story with great amounts of intellectual and emotional stimulation. Now everything that used to be taboo is now acceptable. It’s all centered on sex. Not the loving kind, but the casual kind. I thought that loving sex was the fun kind. Don’t these people believe in being happy while having sex? Or are we going to be like animals now? If it looks good, feels good, and tastes good, then why not?

Martha has tried to allow herself to be more open to trying new things.
Sometimes she would tell herself that she holding herself back and that she will regret not trying to enjoy life while she is still here. Even Pastor Ben has preached on enjoying the fruits of life.

“You have all heard from other preachers
besides me about being here on Earth to serve God’s will. Every purpose is to exalt and glorify him through our actions and words. But we all know that actions and words mean different things to different people. Now, I may be a small time preacher in a big city, but I have to say what I have to say. You glorify God when you look to the sky and take pleasure in the beauty of the stars and clouds. That is the artwork God made for us to enjoy; on his wall. When the sound of the guitar gives you that goosebumps feeling, those goosebumps are you glorifying him. The great man above has given us many gifts of great pleasure to enjoy because he is our Father and we are his children. Fathers give their children toys at Christmas to enjoy and play with. A Father’s concern is only for his children’s happiness. I think we, as God’s children, need to play more. We need to enjoy the gifts he has given us. He doesn’t want us running the streets preaching twenty-four hours a day while ignoring the gifts he has bestowed. He doesn’t want us to sell all of our belongings and go overseas to preach. Which on a side note, most of those mega church mission trips overseas are nothing but glorified vacations to be bragged about on your local Christian radio station. I am all for mission trips when they are glorifying God and you are there to do some hard work. Not when you are glorifying yourself on the radio or the next Sunday in front of thousands of people. I believe in going, serving others in need, then coming back and serving your own family, your wife and kids. Who needs all these testimonies of great missionary adventures, I already have a God to worship. But back to what I was saying. Enjoy the pleasures of God and all that he has given us. Because when I gave my nephew a new mountain bike last Christmas, he never rode it. And it hurt.”

Hmm,
what can I do to enjoy the fruits of life? What are the fruits of life that God intended us to enjoy? Are they good food, friends, music and movies? Is sex one of them? Could I have sex with a man after my husband has been dead for eighteen years? I get strong urges at night and sometimes on my way home after work. I remember coming home to bubble baths and flowers from Hector. Why would these urges, very strong urges, be here if I am not suppose to act on them?

Many
days when Martha would get off the bus after work, she would think how nice it would be to have a man waiting with a bubble bath. It was on one of those days where she let her guard down by almost taking a strange man into her home. As she was walking through her apartment complex, a man sitting on a stairwell said hello to her.

“Hey there pretty woman, how are you this muggy day?”
The sudden greeting scared Martha, but only for a moment because it was unexpected. It felt nice though. Almost like being welcomed home after a long day.

“Oh I didn’t even see you there.
Hi, how are you?”

He was a big guy, mostly
fat, yet had an aura of tenderness. The ladies in her locker room at work had said the big guys are sweet and loyal. One lady once said that they are great in bed. That they will do whatever you want because you might be the only action they have had, or ever will have.

“Little lady you look like you could use some company.
My friend hasn’t shown up and will probably be out all evening. Want me to come with you to your place, have a drink maybe?” This caught Martha off guard. She was not expecting anything like this nor had she had anything like this ever come her way. However, Martha had been thinking of sex during her walk from the bus. When James said hi to her, she was feeling warm with her recently reoccurring feelings of desire for a man’s touch. But Martha Froze. The fight or flight mechanism took over. It felt as if something else took control and held her back.

“No that is ok, I really don
’t know you. I would enjoy going for coffee. You seem nice.”

Going out for coffee time?
This guy outright invites himself to my place. He might want to kill me or rape me. Or he might be one of those guys that will sweep me off my feet, make love to me, then leave and never come back like my coworkers had talked about. And you want to have coffee with him? I should have thought better than that! Dammit now I have invited him and he is accepting.

“Coffee sounds great, I can even buy dinner anywhere you want, no matter how fancy.
Then if you feel like it we can have a few drinks together at your place. My name is James by the way.”

Martha froze
trying to think of a response. So many emotions were filling her belly at once. Her mind was racing. Much like someone’s life flashing before their eyes at the brink of death. The feeling at that moment that made Martha nervous was that she suggested coffee and couldn’t back out without feeling rude.

“Yeah I guess so. But you look like you are young enough to be my son! Yet handsome! My name is Martha.

Gosh what am I doing here?
I should have just kept walking on to my apartment. Or is it good that I didn’t just keep walking? But I kind of feel good here. It was nice to have him say hi to me. No one really says hi to me here. But I don’t know him. Is it safe to be talking to him here? He is sweating a lot. I bet he could use a shower. A shower with me? Wow, I like the way I am feeling! Is this happiness? I am feeling really good. Ok, here I go. Dammit I want to fuck him. Oh my god! I want to make him dinner. I want to make him a king for the evening. James seems like a genuine guy who will call me the next day. Hell I don’t know! Am I being desperate? Or he can stay with me and we can hold each other in our arms. We can cuddle all night with our bodies touching each other. We can make love several times. What is wrong with me? God help me! We can love each other as much as we need and want. I don’t know if this is what Pastor Ben meant, but I haven’t had moments like this since Hector died.