The Nothing (29 page)

I hated the idea of him for a while after I first met him
on those hooker’s steps. We only exchanged a few sentences until. He represented everything that I hated in men. But today he was different. I don’t know if James is someone that could protect people and keep them safe. But I do know that his heart is great.
Martha pondered going and talking to James about it. It is an issue they both have been evading. No one in the apartment has any idea that James and Martha had met before.

James
was still sitting on her couch in the living room. Bentley was in the front foyer looking through the curtains. Martha for some reason had a strong urge inside to ask James why he visited that prostitute. In her opinion, sleeping with prostitutes makes a man lose a piece of himself each time. Martha wanted to understand what he was thinking. She wanted to appreciate him somehow.

Meanwhile,
James could do nothing but think. He still didn’t feel up to moving around. A few bites of spaghetti were all he could handle.
If everything were normal outside, I would probably be home on my computer looking at porn or personal ads. Not that anyone would meet me. God, do I have to sit here in this lady’s house? I know what Martha thinks of me. She and I are both pretending that we have never met. Now that the world has fallen apart, there are no more personal ads. There is no more porn. And there isn’t a chance for me to find anyone to date now. With all that is going on, I feel so incredibly lonely that it hurts. This world has changed. Who knows if it will go back to the way it was. I lost my chance. Now I have to focus on survival. But I don’t want to. Surviving isn’t worth it if it means that I have to live longer in this pathetic life….

His thoughts were interrupted when
Martha walked in.

“James?”

“Yeah Martha, what’s up
?”

“I was wondering if I could talk to you?”

Oh great! Now she is going to ask me why I am such a loser. The torture never stops! “
What do you need to talk to me about?”

“I want to talk about when we met
before.” James sat wishing that he could be anywhere but here. “Martha, I don’t think there’s anything to talk about. I was trying to get together with you while I was waiting for a prostitute to see me. Simple as that. I am a scumbag. What else is there to say?”

“James I
need to understand. I saw you today willing to sacrifice your life for your brother; for us. You have honor and integrity. I want to understand how a man like you can lower yourself to sleeping with prostitutes? Why would you feel the need to do such a thing?”

James shook his head and waved his hand around, “Yeah, yeah I know.
Why would any man want to risk so much by paying money for attention and love? Hell, sometimes I wish I could pay someone to just rub my back at night. Sometimes a man needs to be held. Unfortunately any man like that isn’t a man that is good for anyone. I’m not the luckiest guy in the world. I’m thirty-eight and still a virgin. You know how many women have asked me if I have a medical condition or a mental disorder when I mention I am a virgin? If you have anything to say, go ahead and say it. If you have names on your mind of what you want to call me, go ahead. I can’t go anywhere for the current moment. Lecture me and then go on about your business.”

Martha giggled, which caused a flush of anger to fill
James’ face. To him it was just like he had figured, another woman laughing at his pathetic ramblings. But then Martha put her hand on his, which caused him to jolt slightly. It was something very unexpected for him. James struggled to find what to say, but he couldn’t. He didn’t say a thing. Martha leaned closer with a smile on her face, “James you remind me of my late husband. He was always his own worst critic. When everyone saw greatness in him, he saw weakness. But that’s the thing; if you are the only one who sees things like that, then you have to say to yourself that those things aren’t true. If you are always looking for the negative in yourself, then you will find ways to invent it. And that is what you are doing right now. Now listen James, the million-dollar question is this; how can you call yourself a virgin when you have slept with prostitutes? Do they not count or something?”
Oh my goodness! This is just so fucking crazy. Is she serious? How can I call myself a virgin? She thinks I actually slept with Dr. Cando. Might as well add Mr. Misunderstood to my resume’!

James began to laugh
in surprise. He scooted forward to the edge of the couch. Martha took her hand away and stopped smiling figuring he was just a typical jerk after all.
Oh great, he thinks this is funny. Just another guy who thinks everything is joke. Why am I even trying to talk to him?

James slowly
stood up. He stood still for a few seconds to steady himself and took a few slow steps around the coffee table. Martha sat there looking at him at first, then lowered her head shaking it while feeling stupid for even trying to be friendly. James paced slowly around the living room stretching his legs. He began to feel his body relax, though still stiff. Then he went back and sat down next to Martha. James opened his mouth to talk but couldn’t. Martha’s assumption that he had been having sex with prostitutes felt devastating to him. James felt that no matter how hard he tries, he always gives off the wrong impression and no one ever tries to get to know the real him. If a word escaped his mouth, it would be followed by a flood of tears. Martha peaked at James and saw that he was trying to talk but was close to crying. But she didn’t do or say anything. Martha felt it was his turn to talk. His glances jumped from Martha, to the floor, to the wall and then back to Martha again as if he was stalling. Then he took a deep breath and said, “You probably think I was laughing because I didn’t take what you were saying seriously. But I was actually laughing because you got it all wrong.” Martha became irritated. She didn’t appreciate being second-guessed in her own home.

“How James?
How did I get it all wrong? I got ten years on you, buried a husband, and sent a son to war. I don’t get it wrong anymore!”

“I never touched that prostitute.
I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”

“Umm, I don’t get it.
You went in there. I watched from the front of my unit. You were in there for like twenty minutes. How does a man spend twenty minutes with a prostitute and not do anything?” James stood back up from the couch and walked to the other side of the coffee table. He looked to the hallway to see if anyone was there. Bentley was still watching out of the front. Jenna was in with Scarlett and the two soldiers. Once he felt like no one was listening, he walked to the other side of the coffee table and lowered himself into an armchair. James let it all out.

“When I got there, I thought I would be getting what I
needed. I paid her three hundred dollars. I though I would have sex with her, lose my virginity and feel great. When I walked inside, Dr. Cando made it seem like I was just another patient seeing a doctor. I realized that I needed more than what sex would have given me. I have had one real girlfriend and I screwed that up. I have always wanted to just be held and loved. I wanted love making that was loving and affectionate. I have never had that and realized quickly that this Dr. Cando wasn’t going to do that for me. I didn’t have feelings for her, but I figured if she pretended to have feelings for me, it would make me feel more wanted, loved and happy. When she went into her bedroom to wait for me, I got up and left. I lost three hundred dollars that day. That money was from my mother’s records that I stole and sold at a pawnshop. I know I can be weird and different. I invent all these fantasies in my head and pretend I am something I am not. All because I don’t get the affection or love that I need. You know, fake it ‘til you make it. I don’t like the way I am. I am fat and I sweat too easily. People point out my flaws to me all the time. When you saw me that day. That was the only time I have ever attempted to sleep with a prostitute. I haven’t had the guts to try since. Kind of wish I did though.”

Mar
tha felt an overwhelming compassion for James. With what she has seen of him today, coupled with his vulnerability made her want to hold him. But she had to know what he had expected to happen the day they met. What would James have done if the prostitute didn’t call him in? Martha went to the chair where James was sitting. His face was in his hands. She knelt on the floor next to the chair and pulled his hands from his face. James was relieved that she was still there. Martha cleared her throat wanting to cry also, but managed to speak.

“James, tell me, what is that you were hoping would happen that evening if you had come here with me?”
Martha’s hands held tightly onto his. If she was still there and kneeling next to him, then the likelihood of her running away from anything else he said was little. James felt more comfortable and free to be honest.

“Martha, in all honesty, I was wanting to have sex with you.
But I wanted it with all the butterflies and happiness that comes from love. I know that isn’t the way it works when you off the bat meet someone and have sex. I guess it was another fantasy. If I had come to your apartment with you, I don’t think I would have had the guts to initiate anything. I probably would have walked out just like I did with Dr. Cando. Seducing a woman is something I have never done. Nor would I even know how to do it. Guess I was hoping that my fantasy would come true.” Martha blushed, but was curious for more. “James, if we were to have sex that evening, how would you have pictured it? Would we have had dinner? Or watched a movie?” James began to feel nervous. Part of him liked the questions she was asking. It was as if she was sizing up the situation.

“I was thinking we would eat something, like this
spaghetti plate sitting right here. Or we would have gone out for dinner. Maybe we would have sat on your patio for a little while and talked. I don’t know if women are into it, but I could have given you a bubble bath and stuff. I like what I see in the movies, when people are romantic. I loved the idea of getting naked and having sex, but I think, or would have hoped for, love and romance.” Martha squeezed James hands and said, “I don’t know if we would have had sex. I can’t say either way. But I was willing to get to know you. If you made me comfortable, I’m not sure how far it would have gone. I have tried to open myself more and allow another man the opportunity to be close to me. I do know… Well let me be honest, I knew you were probably out for sex and I really wanted to feel the touch of a man. More than likely if I had seen the signs that you wanted sex, then we would have had sex. Of course I would have enjoyed a bubble bath and a nice dinner. I wouldn’t be happy if it was only physical and a simple one-time thing. I desire for love and affection like you do. I haven’t been with a man or had feelings for a man since my husband died eighteen years ago. Hector was a great man. For a long time, I couldn’t imagine another man making me as happy as Hector did. Now, I only focus on my son. When he left for the Army, I was alone all the time. My life revolved around when he would come to visit and trying to get the bills paid. It has been so long since I lost my Hector. And for a while now, I have been struggling with the loneliness, desires for love and the touch of a new man. That evening I would have given you the chance. If we sat on the patio and had dinner together, I would have seen, like I do now, that you are the kind of guy that would make me happy. You have a tender heart, have had struggles just like me, and you are able to be open with me.”

James looked surprised, “You mean that you would have welcomed me over?
If that dude hadn’t walked out and the prostitute hadn’t called out to me, you would have spend time with me and possible have sex with me?” Martha was looking into his eyes. The few tears she had moments earlier were gone. But James saw new ones forming. She responded, “I don’t know James. I think I would have liked to have been romantic and make love. More than sex like you said. I think I would have liked you and no matter what would have happened that first night, if you are as sweet as your are now, I would have wanted to keep seeing you and become closer. You would probably be spending the night all of the time. I would have wanted to take care of you.”

James pulled his hands away from Martha’s
, got up, and walked to the other side of the living room. Martha stood to her feet hastily and yelled, “What is wrong?” James turned around and smashed his right fist into his left hand. He looked very angry. Martha moved herself closer to him feeling confused. “James what is going on? Did I say something?”

“No Martha.
Everything you said is so wonderful and I believe also that we would have kept seeing each other and became closer. But Goddammit, look around us, it’s too late! The world has changed. How can anyone date at a time like this? How can I take you to dinner? How can anyone date and focus on one another with people going apeshit because their fucking cell phones won’t work?” Martha grabbed James’ hands again. “Look, don’t drive yourself crazy with all that is going on. If you were to tell me, hey lets give this a shot and lets get to know each other, I would say yes. We have electricity and food. The only thing gone is the internet, cell phones, satellite and cable TV. We have each other. Isn’t that all that we need?”

James
felt a sensation of butterflies in his stomach.
Ok now. I want to ask her out. But ask her out to where? Maybe I could say, lets get to know each other and we will deal with what ever happens. Oh God I am going to ask her out!
“Martha, if I was to ask you out, even though we can’t really go anywhere, would you say yes? Would you like to go out with me?”