The Girl in My Dreams (21 page)

I knew she didn’t truly mean what she was saying. After all, we were in love, and we were here together right now. I understood where she was coming from, as she’d made it very clear, but just giving up and moving on wasn’t as easy as she was making it out to be. Maybe it was for her, but not for me. I couldn’t stop loving her that easily.

“I just don’t know that I can,” I said, frustrated.

“You have to,” she said.

I didn’t think I’d ever seen her so serious before. It was like I was talking to another person altogether.

“Does it really mean that much to you?” I asked.

“Yes, it really does,” she replied.

“Fine, I’ll try. I won’t promise anything, but I’ll try,” I said.

“Good,” she said, kissing me on the cheek.

I could feel myself being pulled from the dream as I looked at her face and it began to disappear. I woke up in my room, shut off my alarm clock, and tried to make sense of it all. It was weird how fresh her dreams stayed with me. I never used to be able to remember my dreams, but now I couldn’t forget any of them.

Five weeks had passed, and things had been going well. I was doing surprisingly well with my classes, and Dr. Grier had me back down to visiting once every two weeks. I was on track to get out of there just like I was before the “incident,” as we were both calling it.

I walked into school that morning and went to my locker as usual to see Martin standing in front of it. There was an envelope taped to it, which was strange, considering that had never happened before.

“What is this?” I asked, wondering if he’d done it.

“I don’t know. I saw it and figured I’d wait for you,” he said.

I pulled the envelope off the locker door, opened it, and pulled out the folded piece of paper inside. It was an invitation, and not just any invitation. It was an invitation to prom.

“Who’s it from?” Martin asked.

“It’s from Kelly Hughes,” I said, in shock.

Kelly was a girl in my grade who I’d known since about the fifth grade when she moved to our town. She was a cute girl, though not Belle beautiful, and had shoulder-length red hair, a few little freckles, and a great smile. I never even had any inkling that she was interested in me, so I was about as shocked as I could be when I opened it.

“Well, what does it say?” Martin asked.

Theo,

I know this is a long shot, and that you’ve probably had like a dozen girls ask so far, but if you haven’t, and you’re interested, I’d really love to go to prom with you. I know the guy usually asks, but I thought I’d ask before you were accounted for. Please let me know.

Kelly
.

Her phone number was written below her name.

“Man, that’s awesome. Kelly is hot, and she’s really cool,” Martin said.

“Yeah,” I said, before unlocking my locker and putting my stuff inside.

“You don’t seem that excited,” he said.

“I’m not sure what to feel right now,” I said.

“Listen, I know you’re still hung up on Belle, but she told you to move on and find someone else. You have a girl asking
you
to prom, and you might pass it up? Just go with her and have a great night,” he said.

“What if I don’t like her like that? I don’t want to lead her on,” I said.

“You aren’t getting married to the girl! You’re just going to prom. Don’t make it a
date
per se, and instead just have a great time. Besides, you know Belle would tell you to go,” he said.

He wasn’t wrong in that assessment. Belle would like Kelly, and I knew that she’d be a good date. I wasn’t even planning to go to prom, but I guess this was how I could get Belle off my case about moving on.

I pulled out my phone, opened a new text thread, and told Kelly that I’d be more than happy to take her to prom. She replied with a few very happy emojis, told me she was beyond excited and that she’d let me know the color of her dress within a few days. I guess I got the joys of color matching again. Woo.

“Well, it looks like you’re accounted for. Now I just need to find a date,” Martin said.

“Why not take Kara? You know she’d go with you,” I said.

“That girl scares the living daylights out of me, man,” he said with a blank stare, as if I’d initiated war flashbacks.

“Not like you have girls putting notes on
your
locker,” I said as I closed mine.

“Hey, don’t be like that. We can’t all be chick magnets. Some of us have to be the guys that push them toward you,” he said.

Laughing, we walked down the hallway and went to homeroom. I didn’t have any classes with Kelly, so I luckily wouldn’t have any awkward stares or talks. I took my time in homeroom to study for a business test that I had later that day. We were getting closer and closer to final exams, and if I were to pass enough to get through my senior year and high school as a whole, I’d need to study my butt into an early grave.

As the day went on, I couldn’t help but wonder what my talk with Belle was going to be like tonight. I guess I didn’t have to tell her what happened, but I had a feeling she’d find out anyway. I was pretty sure she could read my mind or something when I was dreaming. She seemed to know a lot. I knew she’d chalk that up to women’s intuition, but I was pretty sure it had to do with her new psychic-like powers in the dream world.

As I stood outside my locker later at the end of the day, grabbing my things, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and saw Kelly standing there, smiling, with her hands clasped in front of her.

“Hi, Theo,” she said with a bright smile.

“Hi, Kelly, how are you?” I asked.

“I’m doing very well. I just wanted to say hi, especially since we’re prom dates now,” she said.

“Yeah, thank you for asking me. I was beginning to think I wouldn’t get to go this year,” I said, neglecting to mention that I really didn’t want to go in the first place.

“I’m surprised more girls hadn’t asked you,” she said.

“Eh, I don’t think I’m most people’s type,” I said jokingly.

“That’s too bad. They’re really missing out,” she said, and her cheeks turned a very faint shade of pink.

“Thank you. I really am excited to go with you, though. I think we’re going to have a great time,” I said.

“Yeah, I think so too,” she said.

I didn’t know what else to say as we both stood there. Admittedly, I hadn’t had a ton of interaction with girls, especially girls who were interested in me. Belle was the only one who ever really was, so it was hard for me to know what to say.

“Well, I better get going so I can catch my bus. Don’t want to have to walk home,” I said with a chuckle.

“Okay, I’ll let you get going. If you ever feel like talking, you have my number now. Don’t be a stranger,” she said.

She walked away, and I slung my backpack around my shoulders before hurrying to make my bus. She was a nice girl, she really was, and while I was happy to accompany her to prom, I just hoped that she wasn’t expecting anything from it. I didn’t want her to think that we were all of a sudden going to start dating or hanging out a ton or whatever. That kind of stuff was still hard for me.

On the bus, I looked out the window and wondered what came next.

I just hoped Belle meant it when she told me to do this.

•••

“So, Theo, what has been happening in your life since our last visit?” Dr. Grier asked as I sat on her sofa and crossed my feet.

“I have a date to prom now. A girl asked me today,” I said.

“That’s wonderful news! What’s her name?” she asked.

“Her name is Kelly. I’ve known her since the fifth grade, or at least known of her,” I said.

“I’m very happy to see that you’re accepting and moving on with your life and meeting new people. Sometimes that’s the best form of therapy,” she said.

“I’m still unsure about the entire thing, though,” I said.

“What’s there to be unsure about?” she asked.

“She’s nice and all, but—”

“But she’s not Belle,” Dr. Grier said.

“Yeah,” I replied.

“I know that you know this, but Belle is gone, Theo. I know it might feel like she’s always with you, but you cannot hold your life back and miss out on opportunities mourning for something that will never be. Do you understand?” she asked.

Dr. Grier had a way of sometimes demeaning me while trying to comfort me at the same time. I didn’t know how she did it, but she did, and I couldn’t stand it. Still, I never challenged her and instead just nodded like a good little boy. I wished I could tell her about Belle, but I knew she’d never believe me. She’d probably try to lock me up in the adolescent psych ward or something.

“It’s just difficult, is all,” I said.

“Maybe you should express these feelings to Kelly,” she said.

“Why would I do that?” I asked.

“Because she’s somebody who obviously has some kind of interest in you. Maybe she thinks things are going in a direction that you don’t see them going. If you talk and work things out, disappointment can be avoided and you both can come out of this with a mutually happy disposition,” she said.

“Yeah, maybe I’ll try that,” I said, just hoping we could change the subject.

We moved on and talked about school, my mother, and surprisingly, not my father, whom she hadn’t brought up in quite some time. Maybe she just took pity on me because of Belle, but I was glad we’d left that subject behind. I could only wait until I was eighteen to get out of here altogether. I didn’t think my mom could force me to go to Dr. Grier when that birthday happened, and it would happen soon.

Our hour came and went, and I went outside to wait for my mom, who had gone to run a couple of errands. I was outside for maybe five minutes before she pulled up.

“How was your session?” she asked.

“It went well,” I said, hiding my displeasure about even having to go.

“That’s good. I was able to get everything done while you were in there. Talk about efficiency!” she said with a laugh.

I smiled and nodded before pulling out my phone and seeing an empty messages app. I never really got that many texts anymore, and I had to admit it was somewhat depressing.

I thought about texting Kelly to pass the time on our drive home, but decided against it while I figured out what we were even going to be. I suppose I wouldn’t know until I talked to Belle later, so I should probably just hold off on saying anything. I didn’t need to make things even more awkward for myself than they already were.

•••

“So, I kind of have something to tell you,” I said to Belle as we sat on the swing set later that night.

We found ourselves back between our yards like we had the night before. To me it was a sort of safe haven in this dream world. Sure, I couldn’t be hurt here, at least according to Belle, but you don’t always have to be able to get hurt to feel unsafe. This area, even in the dream world, had so much meaning and history. Some of our greatest conversations happened over the years in this spot, and I hoped that many more would as well.

“What’s that?” she asked.

“I got asked to prom,” I said.

“Really? That’s great! Who asked you?” she asked.

“Kelly Hughes,” I said.

“I didn’t know her all that well, but she seemed like a sweetheart. I think you’ll have a great time,” she said.

I had to admit that I was a little bummed Belle was acting so cool about this. Why wasn’t she a little more apprehensive? I had hoped she would change her mind—to say she’d only told me I should move on as a way to see how much I cared. Maybe I really was dreaming with that idea.

“You’re not mad at all? Or jealous?” I asked.

“No, I’m fine with it. Sure, I wish I could be there and go with you, but that’s not an option, and we can’t act like it is,” she said.

“It could’ve been,” I said, under my breath.

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I replied.

I did this nervous thing, even in the dream world, where I’d begin to salivate a lot when I was nervous about something. This was one of those times.

“I want to know, Theo. Don’t make me read your thoughts. Just tell me,” she said.

“That night. The night you died. If you would have listened to me, we’d be going together. We’d be going to a lot of things together,” I said as I felt a weight being lifted off my chest.

“I know I made a bad decision, but it’s not the end of the world,” she said.

“It’s the end of my world,” I blurted out, without thinking.

There was a sudden and awkward silence as I felt myself calm down a little, all the while regretting what I said. Why was I so stupid? Even in here I couldn’t control myself around her. I never wanted to make her feel bad about what happened. Sure, her decision affected me and so many others around her, but it wasn’t like it could be undone.

“I’m sorry, Theo. I know I made a bad choice, and that it affected people, but it’s a choice that I made and that’s the end of it. Maybe I should’ve listened to you and just gone home with you, and maybe if I’d done that we wouldn’t be here right now, talking about all this. Maybe we’d be falling asleep cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Maybe we’d be out on a date or who knows what else. There are a lot of maybes, though, and no matter how hard you wish, they’ll never become true,” she said.

“Please, let’s just stop talking about this. We were having a good time together until I opened my mouth,” I said.

“Maybe I just need to think about things,” she said.

“About what?” I asked.

“About this. About us,” she said.

“We aren’t anything,” I said.

“Maybe we should take that a step further,” she said, with her head down.

Her tears looked like crystals as they fell down her cheeks and onto the ground. It started to rain, likely brought on by the mood, as we sat on the swings. Water was falling down and around us, but neither of us was willing to budge.

“What does that mean?” I asked, unsure if I wanted to hear the answer.

“Maybe we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I feel like it’s a hindrance,” she said.

“Hindrance? Who is it hindering?” I asked.

“You,” she said, as she looked me dead in the eye.