The Girl in My Dreams (16 page)

“So if I kiss you right now, it will be real?” I asked.

“Do you want it to be real?” she asked.

“More than you’ll ever know,” I replied.

“Then kiss me and find out,” she said.

She smiled as I leaned toward her. The breeze rippled as I smelled her rosy perfume, and it made my skin tingle in the best way. With goose bumps on my arms, I got in closer, our lips almost touching.

“Theo,” I heard, before I was shaken.

I quickly woke up, wiped a bit of drool from my lip, and saw my teacher standing there as the other students were packing up their things and leaving for the next class.

“It’s time to go, Theo,” she said in a kind voice.

I wanted to scream but instead held it in as I put away my things and left her classroom. As I walked through the halls and dodged the barrage of hormonal teenagers, I tried to make sense of my dream, or whatever that was.

Was Belle really there? I knew she was there, in a dream sense, but was what she said true? Was she a ghost? Was she a spirit? Was she my angel? Everything about her seemed so real, and the things she said made sense. I thought she was being truthful. What if our connection here on earth was so strong that it couldn’t be broken, even if one of us left? That was what I was hoping for, and that was what I was banking on.

•••

“How are you feeling?”

I sat in Dr. Grier’s office, looking at her as I twiddled my thumbs and struggled to come up with an answer. How was I feeling? I didn’t know, to be quite honest. On one hand I was curious and somewhat happy about the prospect of seeing Belle in my dreams, but on the other hand, I missed her terribly and was crushed on the inside.

“I’m not sure,” I replied.

“And why aren’t you sure?” she asked.

“How should I be feeling?” I asked.

“I don’t think there’s any right or wrong way to feel. People process death differently and grieve differently,” she said.

“Then why does it matter how I’m feeling?” I asked.

“Because by knowing that I can help you work through things. If you’re feeling sad and depressed, we can talk about how to help you feel better,” she said.

I knew she meant well, and that she was paid to help me and all, but I didn’t feel as if there was too much to say. I didn’t want to tell her about the dreams, at least not yet, but more so because I was afraid of what she’d say. She was an analytical person, one who likely wouldn’t believe in things like this. I knew I’d eventually tell her, but not for a while.

“I guess I’m just getting through this the best I can. I know that she’s gone, and I’ve accepted that she’s gone,” I said.

“I know you realize she’s gone, but have you really
accepted
it?” she asked.

“I don’t have any other choice, do I?” I replied.

“Many people have different views on that question. There are some people who never accept it,” she said.

“Well, those people are crazy then. I’m not really up for talking anymore. I don’t meant to be rude,” I said.

“I understand. We’ll call this session over for now. My job isn’t to press you, but to help you. I’ll see you again soon,” she said.

She didn’t come out with me this time, instead leaving me to walk out to my surprised mother, who looked down at her watch.

“Over already?” she asked.

“Yeah, I wasn’t really feeling it today,” I said.

“Feel like going out for dinner?” she asked. “We could stop and get some sandwiches and fries. Does Bob’s sound good?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” I said as we walked to the car.

Luckily there wasn’t a line at Bob’s as we walked in and got a table. It was a nice little place, a diner more or less, but the food was good and inexpensive, which was good for my mom.

We each ordered the turkey-dinner sandwiches, which had roasted turkey, cranberry sauce, stuffing, field greens, and some other sauce I didn’t know about. It was our go-to meal this time of year.

“How was school?” my mom asked.

“It went well. My teachers were all very accommodating,” I said.

“That’s good. I’m glad to hear it. How are you feeling strength-wise? Is it coming back?” she asked.

“Yeah, the more I eat, the better it gets. I had more food at lunch than I’ve had in a while. There’s no way I can eat this entire dinner tonight, but I’ll try my best,” I said.

“We can take home whatever’s left. I talked to your father today. He said to tell you that he’ll be contacting you soon,” she said.

“You talked to Dad?” I asked.

My father had left not too long after the funeral, maybe a day or two, without saying much in the process. He left the first time without saying much of a good-bye, so I suppose I shouldn’t expect much of one this time.

“It’s not my favorite thing to do, but it’s something that has to be done, considering we have a child together and all,” she said.

“Was it awkward?” I asked.

“I’d rather not talk about that with you,” she said.

“Why not? Everyone can badger me all the time about him and Belle, but I can’t ask a simple question?” I asked.

She sipped her iced tea while looking at me intently.

“I suppose you have a point there. Yes, it was awkward. Like I said, though, when you have a child with somebody and your relationship doesn’t work out, you still have to be civil and talk to each other every now and again to make sure you can parent effectively,” she said.

“He isn’t doing a very good job on that part,” I said.

“I’m not going to talk badly about him to you. I talked to Dr. Grier, and I don’t believe it’s healthy to drag you into it. Besides, you have enough on your plate to worry about,” she said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, just before the waitress brought out our food.

“It means that you’re gaining back your strength, getting your studying done so you can catch up, and mourning the loss of your best friend and girlfriend. You don’t need to add my drama to the mix,” she said.

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me,” I said.

“I have to worry about you, Theo. I’m your mother, it’s what I do,” she said before taking a bite of her sandwich.

•••

Cars had lined Belle’s driveway for the past week. I knew it was obviously for support and for Paul and Leah to have an easier time, but I couldn’t help but be reminded of her death whenever I peered out my window.

Her parents had sent a message to my mother about me coming over and how I was always welcome, but I hadn’t taken them up on their offer yet. It felt too fresh to be in her house, around her things, without her there. Maybe someday, but not today.

I texted back and forth with Martin just about anything and everything as the night grew old and the shadows through my window made me sleepier. Was I going to see her tonight, or would I wake up disappointed?

I got ready for bed and decided to try my luck. I turned off the lights, took a deep breath, put my hands on my stomach, and waited for my mind to shut off and for her to visit me. It was only a matter of time, and I was willing to wait.

I woke up, back in the field that I was in earlier today. I smiled, knowing I’d made it, as I looked around for her again.

“Belle!” I shouted, hoping I’d catch her attention.

Hands covered my eyes from behind as I felt a quick burst of butterflies inside.

“Hello, handsome,” she said.

I pulled away from her hands and turned around to see her same old bubbly and happy face staring back at me. I hugged her, as tightly as I could, as I felt every sensation possible. Maybe this wasn’t all just a dream. Maybe this was reality, or a form of it, rather. Maybe me feeling everything showed that this wasn’t all in my head.

“You left me earlier,” she said.

“I woke up,” I said.

“Yeah, that’s the bad part about visiting people in their dreams. They just vanish on you,” she joked.

“You’ve visited others?” I asked.

“Sure, it’s lots of fun seeing everybody again, even if it isn’t in person,” she said.

“Who have you visited?” I asked.

“My parents, my nana, you, and a couple of friends,” she said.

“And do they know it’s you?” I asked.

“I’m not sure. Sometimes I don’t even say hi. I just watch them from afar,” she said.

“Why would you do that?” I asked.

“To think about everything. I don’t want to scare them or make them feel bad either. My parents, for example, went through a lot with everything. The funeral wasn’t easy on them. I liked my dress, though,” she said.

“Wait, you saw that? How would you know that?” I asked in complete confusion.

“The memories of that day, of every day, lie in their subconscious. It’s almost like a computer and I have access to all the files. Plus, it doesn’t hurt when they dream about it,” she said.

There was something different about Belle. She seemed so . . . cheerful, and that was something I didn’t expect. She was gone, gone from this earth, and instead of being sad, she seemed like her usual self, if not a little more perky.

“Why are you so happy?” I asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be? I always am,” she said.

“Don’t you miss everything? Don’t you miss being alive? Don’t you miss . . . me?” I asked.

“Of course I miss all that, and I wish that I never would’ve died, but I’ve accepted it, Theo. I’m dead, I’m gone, and I can’t come back to that world, so why dwell on it for the rest of eternity? I know I’ll see those people again, and not just in their dreams,” she said.

“So, you know, does that mean that heaven is for real?” I asked, curious.

“I’m not sure what any of this is, or what the things are that I go to. All I know is that I’m here, and I can see others who have died. Whether that’s heaven, ghosts, spirits, or another dimension, I don’t know. All I know is that I’m here, and I’m happy about it,” she said.

“I’ve been having a hard time without you, Belle,” I said.

“I know you have. I’ve missed you even more, but I’m here now, so why not live for this? We can do anything you want to do, and it’s all real—in a sense, that is,” she said.

“What about Paris?” I asked.

Belle had wanted to go to Paris for as long as I could remember. She even had a phase when we were six where she talked in a French accent and always wanted to play like that when we were together.

“Close your eyes,” she said, smiling.

I opened my eyes again a second later and was stunned. There it was, the Eiffel Tower, right in front of us, while thousands of people walked all around us. The smells of the city tickled my senses as the cool air whistled against my ear.

“This is amazing,” I said, cars honking in the distance.

“It’s about to get better,” she said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

Before I could finish speaking, she grabbed me and suddenly we soared into the air. My hair flew around in the breeze as I looked down and almost threw up from being so high.

“You’ll be okay. Do you trust me?” she asked.

“More than anything,” I replied.

She flew us up to the top of the tower. We landed softly, and the tourists who were there started to vanish like ghosts.

“Where did they go?” I asked.

“I thought we could use some privacy. It’s our first time, after all,” she said.

I felt freer than I’d ever felt before as the two of us stood up on the tower, holding hands, with the breeze rippling through our hair. How was this even possible? This had to be real. Even here, even with her right now, all I wanted to do was tell somebody. They had to know about all of this.

Paris didn’t seem to last long enough. Belle turned to me and told me a bit of news I wasn’t ready to hear.

“You’re going to wake up soon,” she said.

“But I feel like we’ve barely had any time together,” I said.

“Time in the dream world moves much quicker than time in the physical world. It’s the one downside to this place,” she said.

“Will I see you again?” I asked.

“Do you want to see me again?” she asked.

“Every time I close my eyes,” I replied.

“Then I’ll be here every time,” she said, smiling.

“I love you,” I said.

“And I love you,” she replied, leaning in and giving me a soft kiss on the lips.

Even in here I got the same feeling I got when she used to kiss me before. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced, and something I’d never experience again. As our lips pulled apart, everything slowly began to vanish. When I opened my eyes, I was once again in my room. I felt a bit disappointed but also excited, and I grabbed my phone and texted Martin that I had something crazy and amazing to tell him.

I set my phone down, sat on the edge of my bed, and wiped my eyes. I couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. I didn’t lose her, at least not fully, and as long as she was there, I’d be okay. I didn’t know how other people would take it, and I didn’t plan on telling too many people, but I knew I could count on Martin. Whether or not he’d believe me was another story, but I knew that he’d be there for me and support me through anything.

Now all I had to do was count the hours until I could close my eyes again. Only sixteen more.

“I have something to tell you, but you’re going to think I’m crazy,” I said to Martin as we sat in his car after school.

“You’ve said a lot of things to me in the past I’ve thought were crazy. It won’t be too much of a surprise,” he said.

“Belle is visiting me in my dreams,” I said.

“I stand corrected,” he replied.

“I know it sounds weird—crazy, even—but it’s true. Every time I close my eyes, she’s there, and it’s more than just a dream,” I said.

“How is it more than a dream? Isn’t it a dream?” he asked.

“Yes, but it’s not the same. Whenever I dreamed before, I couldn’t feel anything. I might experience certain things, but I couldn’t feel pain or people touching me or even the wind blowing through my hair. When she visits me, though, I feel everything. It’s the exact same as real life,” I said.

“But that seems—”

“Impossible, I know,” I said, interrupting him.

“Have you told anybody else about this?” he asked.

“Nope, just you. I don’t know how to feel about all of this, and I definitely am not up to telling any more people. My mom already has me in therapy, and I’m not looking to increase my sentence there,” I said.