The Girl in My Dreams (23 page)

My emotions got the better of me, and I felt a few tears slip down my cheeks. She wiped them away, a look on her face of utter sadness, and I knew she hated the decision she was forced to make. Maybe it was me that prompted it, but it was happening, and it was happening any second.

“I love you too, Belle. I remember many nights where I looked out my window and saw the light in your bedroom on. I wanted nothing more than to just say hi, and I’m afraid that we lost out on many years together because I was too scared to make that move. Even though that’s a slight regret, I’m very fortunate and ecstatic about the times we did have together—especially before the end. I know you don’t want me to compare anybody to you, since you don’t think it’s fair to them, but I don’t think I’ll ever
not
be able to do that. I just hope that one day you visit me again, and that this isn’t the last time I’ll ever see you,” I said.

“It’s time, Theo. You’re beginning to wake up,” she said.

“Kiss me,” I said, in an almost panic.

“Theo, I don’t—”

Cutting her off, I leaned in and pressed my lips against hers. I couldn’t bear the thought of never doing it again. I needed it like I needed air.

We slowly pulled away, and I looked into her teary and slightly bloodshot eyes. Before I could say another word, my entire world started to disappear, and her face drifted off like a wisp of smoke in a breeze. I opened my eyes to the stale, depressing sight of my white plastered ceiling.

I sat up, pressed my back against my headboard, and cried harder than I ever had before. It was over. She was gone.

There’s something about being alone that makes you feel, well, lonely.

A couple of weeks had gone by since things ended between Belle and me. I tried everything to get over it, but I hadn’t. I admit that during the first few days I even searched for her at night in my dreams, but I was never able to find her. I went to our usual places, yelled her name, and did anything and everything I could think of, but it was to no avail. She was now a ghost, and I couldn’t see her.

I’d been talking to Kelly a little bit more, but it was mostly about prom-related things. I couldn’t tell if she
liked
me or if she just really wanted somebody to go to prom with, but I didn’t think it mattered much either way. It wasn’t like I was about to jump into something with anybody.

I stood in line at the end of the school day, waiting for my cap and gown retrieval. Prom was this weekend, already, and graduation wasn’t too long after that. It was surreal picking up the purple cap and gown. Its slick, shiny material was incredibly thin and flowy. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this.

“Man, this is so cool. We did it,” Martin said as we walked to his car with our gowns.

“Yeah, it’s crazy,” I said, holding mine up.

“Remember when we first came here? We were like babies, man. That one kid tried to sell you an elevator pass and everything,” he said.

“Don’t remind me. I think that guy was a senior, and I’m pretty sure he still goes here,” I said with a smile.

“He’s going to be the only one legally allowed to drink at prom,” Martin said as he unlocked his car.

I tossed my backpack in the backseat and hung my gown from the hook. There were few cars left in the parking lot, as we’d gotten to the line after most people were already there and waiting.

“I have everything major done homework-wise. What about you?” Martin asked as we pulled out of the lot.

“Yeah, I just have a few small assignments. I’m going to do them tonight, I think,” I said.

“Same here. I don’t want the weekend filled with homework—especially after prom,” he said.

“So you’re picking me up again?” I asked.

“Yeah, is Kelly going to be with you?” he asked.

“Yeah, my mom and her mom both want to get pictures and all that. You know how moms can be,” I said.

“Same with mine. My mom is meeting me over at Kara’s house, and then taking pictures there,” he said.

“Still can’t believe you’re taking her,” I said.

“Better than going alone, I suppose,” he said.

“I think you’re going to end up dating her,” I said.

“I think that’s a bold statement. I’m not sure I could date a woman I was afraid of,” he said.

“Well, then, that will be pretty tough, considering you’re afraid of every woman,” I said, laughing.

“Rude,” he replied, even though I caught him smirking.

We pulled into my driveway, and I put my things on the kitchen table before we grabbed some food and went upstairs to my room to play video games. I guess that’s what guys our age do when they’re about to graduate. They let go of all of their inhibitions and get lazy.

“Man, you still have this here?” he said, looking out my window as I turned on my console.

“What?” I asked, walking over.

“This line,” he said, pointing to the string between my window and Belle’s.

“Yeah. No point in taking it down,” I said.

“Maybe you should,” he said, grabbing a controller.

“Why?” I asked.

“To cut the line. You’re still connected to her, metaphorically at least, and you need to sever the string and let go,” he said.

“I don’t think it works like that,” I said.

“You also didn’t think a dead girl could visit you in your dreams either. Cutting it won’t actually do anything physical, but like I said, it’s a metaphorical thing. It’s tying you to her still, it even goes to her room,” he said.

“I don’t know. Let’s just play the game,” I said.

Martin dropped the subject, and we started the game. I got slaughtered and he ran free. I knew it was stupid, and he himself said that it was only metaphorical, but would it help? That string was tattered and barely even hanging on by a single weak thread. Was that kind of like my connection to her now? Just a single weak thread holding on to nothing? One strong gust of wind could come through and destroy it.

I remembered all the messages we sent to each other on that string. As I looked out at it, I could almost see her giggling on the other end, her front teeth missing, when we used it to talk super late at night when we shouldn’t have been awake. Even back then I was smitten with her.

“Maybe you’re right,” I said as he took a turn playing the game alone.

“About what?” he asked, clearly entranced in the game.

“About the string. Maybe I should take it down,” I said.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were actually going to do it. You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he said.

“Look at how it is, though. It’s hanging on for dear life, as if it’s hanging on to something that isn’t really there. It’s weak and miserable, and cutting it will stop the wind from knocking it around and causing it to weaken even more. Doing this might put it out of its misery and let it finally live,” I said.

“That’s deep, man,” Martin said.

I walked to my desk and grabbed a pair of scissors before opening my window. It creaked as some dust fell down, since it hadn’t been opened in a very long time. A small breeze rolled through as that tattered, weak piece of string tried to hold on to something that it should have broken away from a long time ago. I put the blades up to it, then pressed down and snapped the line. It let go, the breeze picking it up, as instead of being knocked down by the wind, it flowed freely with it. I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly before turning around and getting back into the game with Martin.

•••

“Oh, honey, you look so handsome!” my mother said as I walked downstairs in my tuxedo.

“Yeah, I like it. The color is nice,” I said as I looked down at myself.

Kelly had told me she had a dark blue dress, and I got a tie in a matching color, which was pretty easy. I didn’t have to wear a feminine color, which was definitely fine by me.

“What time is your date arriving?” she asked.

“Kelly and her mom should be here soon. She texted me a bit ago saying they were on their way,” I said.

“Great. I’ll go get my camera. I’m excited to meet her,” she said before walking off.

I walked to the mirror in the front hall and looked at myself before fixing my hair and smelling my breath. Everything looked about as good as I could make it, and as I waited for my mom, I heard somebody pull into the driveway.

“They’re here,” I shouted.

I opened the front door and walked outside with a smile, and my mom came out not too long after. Kelly looked gorgeous, with her dark blue dress hugging her body and her hair, soft and flowing, falling down to her shoulders. She smiled shyly before walking closer to me.

“You look so handsome,” she said.

“Thank you. You look stunning,” I said, noticing her cheeks turn pink.

My mom and Kelly’s mom, Janet, talked a little bit as I nervously stood next to Kelly and didn’t know what else to say. Martin texted me that he was about to leave, and I told my mom that we needed to start on the pictures so that we could get there on time, even though I knew we’d likely be a little early. Anything to get this going.

They had us do the typical awkward poses, which became strange when I had to put my arms around Kelly and stand behind her. I couldn’t say I didn’t enjoy it, because I did, but it felt strange to be this close to another girl. Before Belle I hadn’t really been close to anybody, and Kelly was obviously the first girl I was close to after her passing. I had mixed emotions, even though I knew I’d cut the ties to Belle, at least so I thought, and I knew that my brain and heart were battling for control.

My brain told me to enjoy it, and to know that Kelly was into me and that I felt something when we were close to each other. My heart, while liking Kelly, told me not to let go of Belle, even though my brain was screaming at my heart and saying that she was already gone. I wanted to just yell out for an answer, but not at the risk of looking like a crazy man. Instead, I kept it to myself. For now, I’d just enjoy my night with Kelly and figure my life out in the morning.

Martin and Kara pulled up just as we were done taking pictures, and we said good-bye to our moms before getting into the backseat and pulling out of the driveway.

The parking lot of the venue was packed as both parents and other students who drove themselves were clogging up the area. Martin seemed visibly annoyed, but Kara calmed him down a little, which was strange to witness. Maybe they’d worked out some of those problems he was afraid of. Or maybe he was so afraid of her that he stopped right away. Either way, it was welcome.

When we parked, I walked to the side of the car and opened the door for Kelly. “Thank you,” she said.

She wrapped her arm around mine as we walked to the front door and handed our tickets to the attendant. The music was already pumping and I could feel the humidity throughout the building. Food was sitting out, drinks were being served, and a bunch of nicely dressed individuals were on the dance floor like nobody was watching. This was definitely a little different than the formal, and in a good way.

“Do you want to dance?” Kelly yelled to me over the music.

“Sure,” I yelled back.

She took my hand and guided me to the middle of the dance floor. I swayed back and forth, my arms at my sides, as I awkwardly tried to do something, though I wasn’t quite sure what. She let go of her own inhibitions, flinging herself around like the other people and surprising me with her carefree attitude. I didn’t think I’d ever seen that side of her before. She was usually pretty shy and reserved.

I could feel myself melting underneath my tuxedo about twenty minutes in, and I was sure my hair was wet and sweat was dripping out of the legs of my pants. I told her I was thirsty, she said the same, and we walked toward the drink table for some water and punch, which thankfully wasn’t spiked since a chaperone was serving it.

“Want to sit down?” she asked as the music deafened us.

“Outside,” I said, pointing to the door.

We walked out into the foyer area, where tables and chairs were all set up. There wasn’t anybody at them, which was perfect for us, as I didn’t think either of us was all that social. We sat down across from each other, and both took a small chug of our water. I wiped my forehead and took a deep breath.

“I’m having a fun time,” she said.

“So am I. I’m really glad you asked me to come,” I said with a smile.

“Like I said before, I wasn’t sure that you’d want to go with me,” she said.

“Why would you think that?” I asked.

“I didn’t think I’d be pretty enough for you,” she said.

“You’re a very pretty girl, Kelly,” I said.

“Maybe, but I’m not Annabelle pretty,” she said.

I swirled the red fruit punch around in my cup, feeling my chest get slightly heavy. I wasn’t mad at Kelly, or even annoyed, but I had to admit I was a little bit frustrated that she said that. All of these people—Martin, Dr. Grier, my mom—wanted me to move on and have a good life, Belle definitely included, yet they constantly brought her up and made me think about her even more. It was like telling me I couldn’t have a sandwich for the rest of my life, and then waving a big, juicy sandwich inches from my face every day. I know that’s a strange analogy, but I felt like I was finally able to start my moving-on process and then she’d just reappear. Would I ever escape?

“I shouldn’t have said that,” she said.

“No, it’s fine,” I said.

“It just slipped, I promise. I didn’t mean to make you upset or anything,” she said.

“I’m not upset, I promise. I don’t want you to compare yourself to her though, okay? I said yes to you because I think you’re a sweet, kind, nice, beautiful girl, and I knew that you’d show me a good time and that we could have a memorable night together. You never need to feel like you have to compare yourself to anybody on this planet,” I said.

“Wow,” she said as her eyes began to gently tear up.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing. It’s just the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me,” she said, wiping away a tear.

“Well, it’s the truth. Seriously, you’re great,” I said.

“Why don’t we start over and get back in there?” she asked.