The Fear and Anxiety Solution (19 page)

There may be a time when this negative/anxious part feels stuck. Either it will respond with the same answers repeatedly, running an internal loop, or it may actually not know the answer. Hesitation or giving no answer are actually good signs, because they mean that this negative/anxious part is now running against, and thus becoming aware of, its own boundaries and limitations of thinking. It is now forced to consider if there is anything more important than the purpose of safety and protection it has been focused on almost exclusively.

This is when it’s crucial to be patient. With gentle persistence, ask in different ways about this part’s higher purpose. It may help to switch your questions from “What is the purpose?” to “What is the intention?” or “What would this do for you?” or “What would this give us?” or “What would this allow you or
me to do?” You can mix those questions up because they
all
will eventually lead to a higher purpose.

Working with a part whose protective strategy is to be highly critical and highly judgmental can also bring up answers such as, “I need to keep you on your toes; otherwise you will only screw up” or “I need to punish you so you will do better.” Even answers that seem to be rather antagonistic or self-destructive usually come from a protective intention.

Simply ask, “What does hypervigilance and punishment do for me? What is the purpose of not screwing up? What will doing better give me?”

The answers may be, “You won’t get hurt, criticized, or fall behind” or “You’ll avoid painful failure by pushing yourself toward a better performance.” As I mentioned before, this aspect of your subconscious may also believe that it needs to punish you, put you down, and make you small and invisible so that no one else will do that to you—which, again, is meant to protect you by preventing you from getting hurt by others. And the purpose of protection is survival and safety, which gives you the opportunity to remind this aspect of you of its higher purpose by asking, “If you would be safe and protected, what would this allow you to do?”

3. Once you have reminded the inner protector of its higher purpose, thank this part and switch over to its counterpart on the other hand.
Proceed with the same kind of questioning you did with the negative/anxious/protective part, also trying to find out its higher purpose. What you will discover is that, eventually, this side will come to similar or even identical answers as the anxious part, which makes sense, because they both stem from that wholeness of who you are.

4. As soon as you’ve reached the common higher purpose level for both, ask each part whether or not it has realized that it actually shares the same purpose with its opposite side.
At first, you may get a no from one part or from both. This is understandable, because who would have thought that the part of you that is negative or anxious actually has the same intentions as its counterpart, such as to enjoy life to the fullest or to become the best you? But after further reiterations with the necessary mix of kindness and tenacity, both sides will agree. At this point, the separating wall that was built on the differences in perspectives and priorities has been broken down.

• • •

You’ve already accomplished a lot and are well on your way to resolving this inner conflict. You’ve brought the two conflicting parts into a conversation
with one another and taken on the role of a neutral mediator. You removed the masks of the emotions and behaviors and identified who is really behind this battle. And you helped both parts discover that they are like two branches of the same tree, two beams of the same light source, and two extensions of your core being. However, this process goes further, aiming for both sides to recognize that they’re parts of a larger whole and that the best way to support all of you is through their integration and collaboration with each other and
all
the other parts that make up your subconscious mind.

At this point, there still may be distrust and suspicion keeping the parts at a distance.

The anxious-protective side may still deem itself the shepherd, in charge of your safety and survival. Asking to let your other parts at least take part in this responsibility may cause the protector to feel that he or she is letting the sheep watch over the flock. And the anxious-protective part may be reluctant to let go of its mission, because it fears that this would make its entire existence obsolete. After all, what’s the use of a weapon or a shield when it’s no longer needed for protection? What happens to the cocoon once the butterfly has emerged?

On the other hand, the positive side may drag its feet because it still holds onto resentment and a lack of understanding about the negative emotions and actions with which the protective side had burdened you.

The key to overcoming these hurdles is for each side to grow to trust and appreciate each other. Only then will the reintegration impact your entire being and become permanent, which is why steps 4 to 6 of this process are so crucial.

1. Focus on the part that opposes the protector. Notice its special gifts, qualities, and resources. Ask yourself how these abilities support you.
This part could be good at finding solutions, trying something new, and not worrying about what other people think. You may find that its abilities instill you with confidence, strength, optimism, motivation, or wisdom. Find at least five positive, powerful attributes for this side.

2. Turn to “little you,” the anxious-protective part. Ask yourself what special gifts, resources, or strengths this part contributes.
Where does the anxious side excel? Where might the more confident side need help? This can be a very interesting challenge, because at first glance, your objective view can be obstructed by the attributes of the anxious part’s old behavior. The terms
hypervigilant, insecure,
and
judgmental
may come to mind—not exactly characteristics you’d call gifts and strengths. But with patience and the flexibility of your mind, you can pierce through the layers of old behavior and discover the true potential this protective part holds. At this point, you may find qualities such as tenacity, caution, and strong, practical analytical abilities.

Going even deeper, you’ll realize that for this part to feel anxious or insecure, it must be very sensitive. How else could it take everyone’s opinion personally or notice potential threats before anyone else does? Is sensitivity a gift and strength? Absolutely. In my opinion, there isn’t such a thing as “too sensitive.” Sensitivity is a special power—one that not everyone possesses. However, as with every power, the more you have, the more important it becomes for you to learn how to master and apply it. You wouldn’t feel ashamed of having extraordinary physical or mental strength, so there’s no need to feel ashamed for your power of sensitivity.

When well utilized, sensitivity leads to compassion and greater understanding for other people’s pains and challenges. It can be the basis of deep and meaningful relationships and allow you to enjoy life more fully. Other expressions of sensitivity can be greater awareness, the ability to read people accurately, intuition, and even psychic abilities, which can help you make decisions with greater clarity and move through life with more ease and calmness.

3. Ask yourself what it would be like if your life were completely controlled by the positive side. What would you be missing if you didn’t possess at least a trace of the anxious part?
To your surprise, you may realize that the previously preferred positive side has its limitations, too. You may find that if you would only have that confident, motivated, self-reliant side, you would be too driven, maybe even reckless. Potentially, you would just focus on doing and striving for external rewards and undervalue internal qualities such as peace, contentment, and compassion.

You might rush through the days and never develop the emotional range and sensitivity to appreciate the precious subtleties in life, the seemingly unimportant moments in nature, with others, and with yourself—the gifts that give life meaning. Your relationships may be fun and light, but without depth and intimacy. Many people describe that vision of themselves as a sparkling facade without depth.

4. Then ask yourself what kind of person you would be if you only possessed the protective side. How would having no influence from the positive side change your life?
“I’d be a complete mess,” you might think. “I’d be depressed,
anxious, never reaching out or getting anything done.” If you had only the anxious part at your disposal, you may believe that your list of successes would be painfully short or nonexistent and that your expectations and motivation for creating a better, more fulfilling life would be dramatically reduced. Or you may feel that you would be completely alone and isolated, because of an overwhelming fear of rejection or because, in that state of mind, you couldn’t trust anybody.

• • •

Discovering the true potential and value of each conflicting part may be quite an eye-opening experience. Do you remember how, before you started the reintegration process, you might have believed that you would be better off without the anxious, negative, or critical part? Or how frustration with your own anxiety or lack of self-esteem made you want to get rid of this valuable side of yourself? I hope you’ve changed your mind and have come to realize that while each side has valuable gifts and potential, without the balancing influence of its counterpart, these powerful qualities can turn into self-defeating limitations. The wholeness of who you are is so much more than the sum of your parts, which leads to the next step.

As you’ve seen with the example of your inner conflict, our gifts are only as valuable as how we use them. Each conflicting part has amazing strengths and resources to offer you. However, in the past, rather than each part enhancing the other, each has restricted or even cancelled out the potency of the opposite side. In this step, you will further solidify your goal for them to actually collaborate with each other—not merely to coexist.

First, remind the positive side of the true gifts and potential of its opposing side (the negative side). Then turn to the negative part and explain the positive side’s gifts and potential. Remind them of their common highest purpose for you (for example, finding happiness, finding fulfillment, sharing your gifts with the world). Now ask each part how it could support the opposite side so that you can reach your highest purpose in the future. To create a closer collaboration, each side will need to take the concerns and needs of the other more seriously. For example, the protective side, which will still need to know
that you are safe, may find the positive side too outgoing, too careless, too busy, or too selfish. A collaborative effort could mean that the anxious part informs its counterpart about these concerns. In response, the positive side could slow down, choose to act with greater care, and take other people’s feelings into account more often.

At the same time, the anxious side may have to let go of, or at least tone down, the old protective patterns that used to sabotage the efforts of the positive side. Often, the positive side will agree to take on the role of the mature protector, who listens to, encourages, and reassures its anxious counterpart and shields it with self-assured confidence from the opinions and judgments of others.

Some people I’ve worked with described the two parts as
horizontal and vertical forces
in their lives, which I find very poignant. The horizontal force, commonly the positive and confident part, focuses on expanding their life by striving for more success, prosperity, relationships, exciting experiences, and any positive possibilities that may unfold. The vertical force, which is commonly the sensitive/anxious part, is more interested in the deeper aspects of life. It often values close and meaningful relationships, feelings, stillness, and peace, as well as spirituality and creativity. Where the horizontal force propels you forward in life, the vertical force provides substance, depth, and grounding. It makes sense that, to move through life in a safe and successful way, both need to be in balance—your head with the stars and your feet on the ground.

The previous five steps laid the foundation for this final resolution of the conflict. During this step, it’s important to move through the process at a pace that’s comfortable for you. Use your intellect and your conscious mind, but let your subconscious, your emotions, and your heart guide you.

1. Bring your hands back up into the original position
. If your hands became too heavy or tired during the previous steps and you’ve been resting them on your lap, now is the time to lift them back up, with your elbows at about a ninety-degree angle. Make sure your palms are facing up, keeping them about ten inches apart from each other. In your mind’s eye, look at your positive and negative parts and remind yourself of their true strengths and gifts.

2. Send love and appreciation to the part of you that has been frightened and anxious.
Tell that part that you’re sorry for all it had to go through in the past.
Tell it that you’re sorry for having ignored or even rejected it for such a long time, for not realizing that it was just doing its best, and for not acknowledging and valuing its true gifts and resources. Imagine love, in the form of light beams, emanating directly from your heart, surrounding and enveloping the little person on your hand in a warm, loving, and secure blanket of energy. Take time to really connect with, embrace, and appreciate this part that, for so long, seemed to be the source of your fear and anxiety.

3. Turn to the opposite, “positive” side.
Tell that part that you’re also sorry for not paying more attention to it, that you haven’t created more balance inside, and that you haven’t been able to fully value its strength, gifts, and resources. And then, also from your heart, pour love and light over that part. Reconnect with it. Appreciate it. Embrace it.