The Fear and Anxiety Solution (15 page)

Here are a few more examples of common negative thoughts and ideas for counterbalancing them:

     •
Something bad will happen.
Counterbalances: Right now I’m OK. There’ve been many times before when I was worried, and everything turned out well. I have the strength and abilities to handle anything that comes my way.

     
•
My boss doesn’t like me.
Counterbalances: I don’t really know what my boss is feeling. I’m doing a great job. If I were my boss, I would be happy to have me as an employee.

     •
I will never get better.
Counterbalances: I’ve changed/healed/improved many times before. I’m using this time now to learn about myself and life. My mind is strong, and I’m determined to reach my goals.

     •
I will always be alone.
Counterbalances: I’m a good person with many wonderful qualities. Whomever I choose to be with is very lucky. I’m using this time now to become independent, empowered, and my own best friend.

     •
My life is so difficult.
Counterbalances: Many good things have happened in my life. I’m growing and improving with every challenge and difficulty. I’m learning to take my life in my own hands and make it easier for myself.

     •
This job is killing me.
Counterbalances: I’m taking good care of myself by noticing what is not working for me. I’m a capable person and a great asset for any employer. I know that there are many better opportunities available to me.

     •
It’s too hard.
Counterbalances: I have the motivation and the strength to reach this goal. Just by staying focused on what I want every day, I’m moving closer to reaching my goal. I value myself too much to give up on my goals.

     •
I don’t have enough.
Counterbalances: The most important gift I have is myself. I deserve to have more than enough. The world is an abundant place, and I can bring this abundance into my life.

Note that the positive, counterbalancing impact of most answers can be further enhanced by listing specific examples that back up the statement, such as, “I’m doing a great job because I am very reliable, have successfully completed project XYZ, and always seek ways to improve.”

Fear and anxiety often come with a very narrow tunnel vision of yourself and the world around you. Yet we all know there is always more than one side to every story. Positive counterbalancing is training your mind to search for and find uplifting and empowering perspectives for any given situation. By doing so, you’re consciously guiding the younger part of your subconscious to consider a positive angle on a subject that it previously perceived in only one limiting way.
Soon you’re gaining greater openness and flexibility in your perception, so you can move more easily from seeing limitations to seeing possibilities. With every positive thought, you’re planting a seed in your mind that supports the growth of your confidence and self-esteem—and the growth of that younger self.

In the past, you may have tried to manage negative thinking through positive counterbalancing without great success. Like many other people, you may have given up, frustrated and convinced that the only thing left to do is ignore your thoughts. However, there may be a reason counterbalancing hasn’t worked for you yet: you might not have added positive emotions to your positive statements. For the subconscious mind, words have meaning only if they’re associated with an image, a sensation, or a feeling. The stronger the emotion, the more profound the meaning. So rather than staying in your head and using this exercise as mental gymnastics or an internal debating club, make sure that you can actually feel and stand behind the positive counterbalancing statements. Make them come from your heart.

I know that feeling positive, kind, and compassionate toward yourself can be a huge challenge, especially when you’re struggling with anxiety, low self-esteem, and self-directed anger. It may feel as if you’re trying to put out a wildfire with thimblefuls of water or to stir cement with an eyelash. No matter how much effort you put into it, the negative self-talk just keeps on pounding relentlessly inside your head. This is why it’s so helpful to remember that the main source of your repetitive negative thoughts is a younger part of your subconscious mind, which is just playing old “tapes” and repeating limiting programs.

Isn’t it easier to talk in a calm, reassuring, and comforting way when you visualize addressing a child? By adding kindness and compassion to your counterbalancing positive thoughts, you take on the proactive role of the one who addresses and reassures this inner child. Assuming this role automatically shifts your consciousness and attitude from “I’m powerless” to “I’m taking charge.” You’re no longer just the victim of your own thoughts; now you can choose what you want to steer your mind toward.

Sometimes I hear my clients complain that they don’t really believe in their positive counterbalancing arguments, and that’s why this tool doesn’t work well for them. It is true that basically lying to yourself (and to your younger self ) doesn’t get you any closer to yourself or make you feel better. But you don’t have
to believe 100 percent in all the encouraging things you’re finding to say about yourself. Especially at the beginning, it’s OK to feel a bit timid or unsure of all the wonderful qualities that make you the amazing person you truly are. What
is
crucial, though, is establishing a connection with that more sensitive and vulnerable younger self and going forward with the intention to deepen that relationship with patience and understanding. Children don’t need to know specifically
why
they’re loved and safe, but they do need to know that they are. In other words, the intention and energy behind your positive thoughts can carry greater impact than their content.

Your commitment to this five-step exercise is crucial because you don’t want to start an inner communication with a subconscious, younger part of you, and then ignore it again. Can you imagine how this would feel to a child? Talk about abandonment!

Yet trying to catch all negative messages, especially if they appear to compete with each other for your attention, can be overwhelming. Instead, commit to counterbalancing seven to eleven negative thoughts per day. By using this method just seven to eleven times per day, most people can significantly reduce negative self-talk within a few days. And the positive results begin immediately. While you’re developing a new habit of thinking and feeling positive and optimistic, the younger part of the subconscious mind will feel increasingly calm and secure.

If you’re someplace where you can’t write down your thoughts, such as during a business meeting or while driving, just walk yourself through the steps in your head. Because it’s more effective to spend the time and energy writing and reading your thoughts, you’ll benefit from recapitulating a few of them during some quiet time in the evening.

Sometimes you may feel frustrated and upset with this negative and possibly critical voice inside, which is understandable. But rather than pushing this part of you “back into the closet” and out of your awareness, use this frustration to create a clear boundary that lets your inner child know that these thoughts are no longer desirable or helpful. Give yourself and this younger self a timeout by, for example, taking two minutes to simply breathe slowly in and out. Then shift your energy to gentle kindness and compassion while counterbalancing the limiting thoughts. As I said before, like children in general, your younger
subconscious self needs to be raised with that special combination of clear boundaries, guidelines, reassurance, and love. Go through this process with patience, mindfulness, and compassion. Don’t use it as another opportunity to demonstrate to yourself how hopelessly screwed up you are (or at least a part of you is). Instead, approach this and all the other exercises in this book as demonstrations of how much you care about yourself and how much you’re determined to feel better and rise to that next level of your personal evolution.

Ryan told me that by using this exercise and talking to himself just as he would comfort his own children, his negative thought patterns almost completely disappeared within a very short amount of time. What was so eye opening for him was that while he’d been a very kind and loving father, providing his own children with all the support and love he’d missed in his own upbringing, he’d continued to treat himself in the same way his parents had treated him during his own childhood—without encouragement, warmth, and empathy.

“It was amazing to watch how my child self became more and more comfortable and calm,” Ryan told me. “The more this part of me trusts in the love of the adult self, the more I trust and love myself.”

At this point, you might be thinking, “But I don’t hear any negative self-talk. The anxiety is just there, without any thoughts or inner dialogue.” You may wake up with tightness in your chest or suddenly feel a sense of uneasiness welling up. In my experience, even in these situations, anxiety is triggered by a series of thoughts in response to an external or internal stimulus (for example, a memory or an anticipation of the future). These thoughts may just pass through your mind so rapidly that you can’t compute them consciously. And once the emotion takes over, your outlook on the world and yourself becomes limited and distorted by the anxiety filters. Reality appears frightening although you still don’t know why. So your mind ventures off to a fervent search for valid reasons you’re in danger. Often, all you can come up with is a
what if
thought, which only confirms that you’re probably doomed. So what can you do to prevent the anxiety from taking you hostage?

First of all, a feeling can’t take you hostage. It just feels like it can, especially if your conscious mind can’t understand its meaning. Let’s start with giving the
emotion a name. By naming what you feel, you begin to take hold of it. So if you feel anxious but aren’t exactly sure what the underlying reason or triggering thought might be, you could begin by saying, “I feel anxious.” That’s a good start.
Anxious
is a word that can encompass many feelings, most of them negative. So to better manage the free-floating anxiety, you can get more specific: “I feel restless, worried, small, doubtful, overwhelmed, stressed …” Finding the specific words that match your feeling will give you valuable information about the triggers and the roots of the anxiety.

By the way, many people confuse excitement with anxiety, because both emotions prompt very similar physiological responses, such as a racing heart, shallow breathing, muscle tension, and so on. However, whether you call yourself anxious or excited makes all the difference in how you evaluate and approach upcoming events, such as a first date, a big presentation, or a move to a new city.

At this point, you’ve zeroed in on a negative and limiting thought—for example, “I feel worried and restless.” This thought might be true, but staying this way doesn’t help you reach your goals. So now you can work with the counterbalancing exercise and address that smaller part of you that’s the source of these feelings. Think about it: to arrive at this juncture, all you did was put a vague feeling into words.

If you are more inquisitive, you can also be more specific by asking yourself questions such as, “What am I feeling worried and restless about?” “Compared to whom do I feel small?” “What am I doubtful about?” “What appears scary or overwhelming to me?” Sometimes it’s quite illuminating to notice what comes up when you say to yourself, “I feel XYZ because …” and then just wait for the answer. The more details you capture, the easier it will be for you to counterbalance the thought that describes the anxiety and thus shift the feeling.

By consciously addressing the subconscious source of your negative self-talk, you have started to reconnect and heal that part of you whose reality was defined by fear and anxiety. In this next chapter, you will be able to go even farther and deeper—from reconnection to
reintegration.

H
ERE IS ONE
of the most common challenges people who are dealing with fear and anxiety report: “I’m constantly struggling with myself. Every time I want to change or take a step forward, I hear one voice in my head encouraging me, ‘Go for it. You can do it.’ But another scared voice says, ‘Don’t do it. It won’t work. You’ll just fail and be made fun of.’ This argument goes on and on. Usually I end up doing nothing, which makes me increasingly depressed and angry with myself.”

Does this challenge sound familiar to you? Are you also finding yourself in the midst of an inner battle? The back-and-forth between anxious, limiting self-talk and confident, encouraging thoughts is just one of the hallmarks of an inner conflict. There are also other signs, which I’ve listed here, in order of severity.

Self-doubt, indecisiveness, and second-guessing.
Isn’t it annoying when after you’ve made a decision you wonder whether you really made the best choice? Even if it’s as minor as buying a pair of shoes or ordering lunch at a restaurant, a simple this-or-that decision feels almost like a matter of life and death. Likewise, isn’t it frustrating when you come home from work and start analyzing your performance and then beat yourself up for a potential mistake or for making a fool of yourself? Eventually, the fear of failure and rejection becomes stronger than the desire to succeed and enjoy yourself.

Inconsistent, self-sabotaging thoughts, emotions, and behavior.
Nobody thinks, feels, or acts the same way all the time; we’re always changing our minds. However, if you’re struggling with an inner conflict, these mental/emotional
flip-flops may appear more pronounced and have a greater impact. One day you might be optimistic and motivated; you start to put yourself in gear to strive toward your goals, drop a habit, or make another significant change in your life. The next day you’re thinking that nothing will ever change, that once again you won’t succeed, and that you shouldn’t even start trying.