The Fear and Anxiety Solution (16 page)

Or you hear a tempting voice inside whispering, “Don’t push yourself so much. You deserve to give yourself a break. Life is too short.” So you procrastinate, or you give up applying yourself to improve.

Or you vacillate between being calm and compassionate when taking care of your kids or your friends and becoming irritated and impatient when it’s time to look after yourself. You may watch yourself alternate between feeling like an empowered, self-reliant adult and feeling like an insecure child or teenager. Eventually you become stuck.

Feeling stuck, exhausted, and powerless.
If your car has ever been stuck in the mud, you know how an inner conflict can affect you. You’re spinning the wheels, trying to somehow gain the traction and momentum to get yourself out, but the harder you try, the deeper you dig yourself in. You may feel stuck only in specific areas of your life, such as your career or your primary relationship—or you may see yourself constantly trapped between two opposing internal forces, destined to slog through the mud for your entire existence.

As I mentioned before, an inner conflict is one of the three root causes of fear and anxiety (the others being stored emotions and self-limiting beliefs). So who is in conflict with whom? Most often, it appears that the battle is fought between a “negative” part in our subconscious that brings up anxiety, worry, insecurity, and shame, and an opposing “positive” side that makes us feel more confident, motivated, and optimistic. While the agenda of the positive subconscious part seems to be about promoting growth, success, and happiness, the negative is usually perceived as the inner obstacle, the weakling, the critic, or saboteur—that which holds us back from living up to our potential. However, viewing an aspect of ourselves as negative and limiting only makes us distrust and resent our subconscious mind even more. And as you’ve probably realized by now, blaming the subconscious isn’t helpful or empowering—and it’s not really fair.

To truly resolve your inner conflict, it’s important to deepen your understanding and appreciation of subconscious parts in general: how they came to exist, their “job descriptions,” and what they’re fighting about. Some of this
information I’ve already shared in the previous chapters, but it bears repeating here, in this new context.

Imagine our subconscious as a diamond with many beautifully cut facets, each representing a part of our mind that provides us with specific information and resources. As a result of these many different parts, we can comfortably fulfill a multitude of roles at different stages in our lives. We can be a son or daughter, a student, a friend, a parent, an employee, an entrepreneur, and so on. The parts of our subconscious also contain the basis of our personality traits, such as discipline, consideration, sociability, or sensitivity.

These facets of ourselves develop in response to external and internal changes and the emotions these changes elicit within us. As I described in
chapter 6
, at birth our subconscious was rather simple and unrefined—yet complete. Spongelike, it soaked up any information that seemed relevant to our survival, growth, and understanding of the world. Over time, life happened, and our subconscious may have registered certain events as confusing, scary, or even traumatic. Depending on the frequency and intensity of those significant emotional events, the subconscious added a new facet that looks upon life and the future with caution and concern. Eventually, this part of our subconscious mind can take on the role of the
inner protector,
dedicated to dealing with the dangerous and uncertain circumstances of life.

As you may recall from the previous chapter, the source of fearful, insecure, or critical self-talk is often a younger part of your subconscious that still holds on to the anxiety-inducing experiences of the past. Remember that one of the reasons it has been unable to let go of the past is that this younger self hasn’t been properly reassured and told how to view you as anything but small, powerless, and surrounded by overwhelming threats. But there is another, more profound reason for why this part has prevailed within your subconscious. As you might have already guessed, that younger self—the source of your negative self-talk—and the inner protector are usually one and the same.

This younger subconscious protector develops specific strategies designed to keep you safe and protected. These protective strategies can take on very different forms. For some, it may be the hypervigilant search for potential danger, including ridicule, rejection, or failure. Others might feel safe by making themselves invisible in order to avoid hurtful judgment and criticism. Invisibility can
be achieved through blending in, hiding, disengaging, or continuously putting oneself down before others can do the same. Some people become pleasers, working hard to ensure that nobody will be upset with them. Perfectionism, often regarded as a virtue, in the end is an extreme protective strategy to avoid rejection and failure. On the other hand, you can also achieve protection by adopting the role of the aggressor, the rebel, or the critic, all of whom push others away to avoid intimacy and, again, potentially hurtful rejection.

Here’s an example from one of my clients. Mary, an attractive woman in her mid-thirties, grew up as the third of four sisters and always felt like an outsider within her family. When she was young and living at home, her siblings were outgoing and extroverted, but Mary felt timid and shy. As a typical form of dinnertime entertainment, the entire family teased Mary until she cried. Her tears prompted more mocking and laughter, which made family dinners absolute torture for her. At some point, after she had endured many of these painful meals, Mary told me that something inside her clicked. She decided it was much better for her to be invisible and disappear than play the role of the laughingstock of the family. From that moment on, she tried to disconnect from her family as much as possible by making herself small—by being quiet and unnoticeable.

This strategy worked during Mary’s childhood; she was able to escape the family mockery by avoiding interaction with fellow family members or by hiding in her room.

When Mary went to college, staying small no longer served her as it had in the past. Like all her peers, she wanted to go out, have fun, and meet other people. But whenever she felt a little bit expansive, bolder, and better about herself, an overwhelming sense of anxiety and worry immediately pulled her back down; she went on hyper-alert, on the lookout for the possibility of painful ridicule. Obsessively, Mary replayed casual conversations in her mind, analyzing every sentence to determine whether she’d said anything potentially upsetting or that could have been considered stupid. Then she’d burrow even deeper into her self-investigation, trying to recall times in the past when others had indicated their displeasure with her. What was wrong with her that people didn’t like her? Over time, her bouts of anxiety could turn into full-blown panic attacks whenever she thought about going out to meet her friends.

During our first session, Mary told me about a deep-seated inner voice that ruined her social life by constantly questioning her appearance, doubting everything she did, and pointing out what negative opinion others must have of her. “Whenever I am with friends,” she told me, “I feel as if I’m placing myself under a microscope that magnifies all my flaws and shortcomings. I’m so anxious that I can’t really talk or be myself.”

However, there was also a completely different side of Mary, one that came forth after she graduated and began her career. This new persona was fearless, strong, and competent. She called it her “professional me”—elegant, self-assured, and “very adult.” Mary was very successful and accomplished in her career. While she pursued business projects, advocated for her company, and negotiated deals, she felt infused with confidence, clarity, and determination.

I can imagine you might be saying now: “Lucky Mary. I wish I had such a positive, encouraging subconscious part. At least she gets a break from her insecure self when she’s at work. All I’m aware of is the devil inside of me, who doesn’t like me, doesn’t believe in me, and is afraid of everything. I wish I could get rid of it.”

Because every struggle needs at least two sides, there must be a part of each one of us that possesses and wants to express the opposite of the anxious and negative part. If you’re not well acquainted with that positive side, it’s probably because your inner protector has regarded this opposite part as potentially harmful or too risky to acknowledge. In order to keep you safe, it may have temporarily pushed this part aside or muted it. But the fact that you decided to work with this book is already evidence that a part of you has higher aspirations than being stuck in anxiety.

Ideally, the various aspects of your subconscious, even if they have completely different opinions, tasks, and priorities, learn to collaborate by sharing their information and resources with each other. This allows, for example, parents to recall how it felt to be an “I-know-better-than-you” teenager and let their own teens express their opinions and individuality. Teachers can remember their own academic struggles and help their students with problems they’re having. Doctors can empathize with the vulnerability of their patients. The greater the flexibility of our minds, the more easily we can shift even between the most opposite parts and effortlessly use their input and strengths. Subconscious parts support, enhance, and balance each other to accomplish their two primary tasks—avoiding danger and increasing pleasure.

The problems begin when our mind becomes rigid, out of balance, and eventually battles itself, engaging in a sort of internal war. This sounds dramatic and overwhelming, I know, but it’s nothing you won’t be able to change. A disproportionate negative, or even positive, outlook occurs when one aspect of our mind becomes too dominant and overshadows the other parts of our subconscious. The facet of a diamond that catches the most light shines the brightest, but while this facet casts an intense glow, it can also distract from the true, overall beauty of the entire stone. In this same manner, the part of us that receives the most energy and attention is the part we often identify with most strongly, sometimes to the extent of discounting our true brilliance.

Here’s an example from my personal story. During the most stressful period of my residency, work occupied my entire life. The unhealthy mixture of intense pressure, the never-ending patient load, lack of sleep, and my own insecurity made the ego strokes that came with the white-coat status more and more important. Eventually, I was so caught up in being a physician that I almost forgot who else I was. When I introduced myself at parties with, “Hi, my name is Friedemann. I’m a doctor”—which looking back was a little embarrassing and not a great icebreaker—I started to realize that I’d given far too much attention to only one aspect of myself and that it was time to make a change.

Just as I was stuck in being a stressed doctor, you might be so caught up in fear and anxiety that you can’t see anything else about yourself. The protective part of you, the facet of your subconscious mind whose job it is to deal with potential threats, occupies most of your attention and became your predominant identity. At the same time, it detracts from all the other amazing aspects that make you unique and valuable.

Let’s return to Mary’s story for a minute. Because her professional and her anxious side didn’t get along or even communicate with each other, the conflict raged within her. When she was at work, Mary generally felt strong and good about herself. But as soon as she left the office and walked down the hall, the anxious, critical part was waiting for her by the elevators (at least it seemed that way to her—like a strong force outside of her), ready to wrestle the confident side for the reins to her mind.

Mary couldn’t understand how she could be so completely incongruent, how in just a matter of minutes her whole mind-set could switch. All she wanted was to get rid of the critical and insecure voice, the part of her that scrutinized her every move outside of work, the part that stirred up crippling doubts and
misgivings. However, the more Mary tried to focus on her confident side and ignore or angrily combat that negative voice, the more tormented she felt by the latter—and the greater her anxiety and insecurity became. “Sometimes when I’m battling with myself,” she said, “it feels as though two people are yelling at me—one in my left ear and one in my right—while I’m trying to figure out what to do and who to be. It feels like I have a split personality or I’m going insane.”

I assured Mary that she wasn’t going insane and that, in many ways, all of us have different personalities. What she needed was a new understanding and a different relationship with her anxious, insecure part.

This is where you may want to have another look at
chapter 6
, where we explored negative self-talk and its subconscious source. As I explained there, ignoring, getting angry, or buying into the negative messages usually doesn’t work and even aggravates the anxiety. Now you can understand why. When you attempt to dispose of that anxious, yet protective, younger self, it will resort to desperate attempts to grab your attention and make you realize how you’re putting yourself in danger by trying to get rid of it. As a result of its efforts, which you may experience as panic attacks, the gap between the opposing “positive” and “negative” parts widens. Eventually, the protector may no longer trust the input from other parts of the subconscious that may focus on success, growth, relationships, and play. It becomes so engrossed in keeping you safe that it considers the input from other parts unnecessary, risky, or even threatening—a perspective that sets the stage for a growing inner conflict.

In the course of our work together, Mary recognized that her insecure, anxious, and worrying inner voice originated from her childhood when she was helplessly exposed to the upsetting, and for her, often frightening family dynamics. She finally understood that the deeper purpose for that negative side of her was to keep her out of harm’s way. Until that point, Mary truly felt that being anxious and insecure was just a huge flaw and weakness of her personality, thus reinforcing her belief that she couldn’t measure up and just wasn’t as good, fun, or interesting as others. For the first time, Mary appreciated that this “negative” part of herself—the side that told her to stay unnoticed—had provided her with a sense of security and control during a time when even her own family didn’t seem safe.