The Fear and Anxiety Solution (23 page)

Inspired by the writings of Kierkegaard, Rollo May, one of the most influential psychologists of the twentieth century, examines the role of confusion in the development of anxiety in his book
The Meaning of Anxiety.
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For example, Dr. May’s studies found that unmarried women who had been rejected by their mothers during childhood were more likely to suffer from anxiety as adults if the rejection had been “covered over by pretenses of love and concern.” In my opinion, because these women were never sure whether they could expect the “good” or “bad” mom, their subconscious protector was on constant alert, thus leaving them frequently anxious. Another layer of confusion I have observed
in clients with such upbringings pertains to the questions of whether or not their mothers’ reactions were their fault and whether they’re flawed, not good enough, or not loveable.

On the other hand, Rollo May found that women who had experienced constant overt abuse and rejection by their mothers were less susceptible to feeling trapped in fear and anxiety. He quoted one of these women, who lived in a shelter and was pregnant by her own father, saying, “We have troubles, but we don’t worry.” As children, they learned quickly that they couldn’t expect love, kindness, and safety from their mothers, and therefore they didn’t feel conflicted or confused about this relationship. This clear view of their world, even though it didn’t appear safe or supportive, allowed them to accept that they needed to mainly rely on themselves to survive in it.

In my experience, this view of life doesn’t mean that these survivors aren’t burdened by emotional baggage and wounds of the past. However, in their quest to somehow carry on, pushing fear and anxiety out of their minds—and out of the way—appears to be the only viable option. They often continue to hold on to their survivalist view of the world until the pain of living this way makes them realize that a part of them is still trapped in the traumas of their childhood. (Although May’s study focused only on mother-daughter relationships, from my viewpoint, his findings could also be applied to abusive and neglectful fathers and their role in the development of fear and anxiety in their children.)

As you review your childhood from the place of learning during the Pattern Resolution Process, you go beyond the consciousness of the confused, anxious, and powerless child. Instead, you become a powerful source of healing, compassion, and love. By asking yourself a series of questions that will help you to clarify, reframe, and learn from the memory, you can peel off and release the layers of anxiety and confusion that concealed the true essence of who you were at that time. As a result, you’ll feel complete and at peace with what occurred in the past, and you’ll also have gained a deeper awareness and appreciation of your true self.

Rollo May says in
The Courage to Create,
“Anxiety comes from not being able to know the world you are in, not being able to orient yourself in your own existence.”
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In
The Concept of Anxiety,
Kiekergaard called anxiety “the dizziness of freedom,” because it can lead us to remember the gift of free will and our true identity.
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When we merge both viewpoints, anxiety becomes the catalyst, the springboard, that can bring us from a state of confusion and unawareness of who
we truly are to a state of clarity and self-conscious reflection. The Pattern Resolution Process makes this journey from anxiety to remembering our truth, with all its innate potential, so much easier. Are you ready to discover who you truly are?

Before we start, it’s worth mentioning again that especially at the beginning of this process, some of you may feel that you aren’t doing it right or you’re just making it up. Guess what? You’re right. You
are
making it up, in a sense. As you’re floating above your life line and gaining a new perspective on your past, your conscious is working with the part of your mind that’s in charge of creativity and imagination—your subconscious. So whatever images or insights you’re consciously receiving in the process, no matter how made-up they appear, stem directly from your subconscious. So you’re right on target. If you just allow the process to unfold rather than overthinking or forcing it, there’s really nothing you can do wrong. To reassure yourself, you can always go back and repeat some or all of the steps as often as you wish.

Here is a brief summary of the following seven steps:

    
Step 1: Preparation.
In this step, you determine the memories and emotional patterns you want to let go of and prepare your subconscious mind for the Pattern Resolution Process.

    
Step 2: lining up your past, present, and future.
Here you connect to the subconscious storage place of all your memories and emotional baggage—your life line.

    
Step 3: going back to the past.
Hovering above your life line, you have transcended time and space and are now able to travel back to one of your earliest memories that still holds fear and anxiety.

    
Step 4: learning from a higher perspective.
From the place of learning, you are able to access the insights and growth opportunities that are associated with this early memory and thus gain a new perspective on the event.

    
Step 5: uncovering the truth.
In this step, you peel away the layers of emotional baggage and confusion and remember the light of your true essence.

    
Step 6: resolving the patterns of the past.
Now that you’ve taught your subconscious how to learn from and let go of past fear and anxiety, it can extrapolate this process to all previous and subsequent events of the same
emotional pattern, thus releasing decades of stored emotional charge within minutes.

    
Step 7: healing the present.
Here you focus on your present self and release any remaining fear and anxiety from your subconscious and cellular memory.

Since you will have your eyes closed during most of the Pattern Resolution Process, it is best if you read through the steps several times before embarking on this journey. Alternatively, you may want to guide yourself through this process by recording the instructions with your own voice. Or you can stream an abbreviated recording of the exercise online.
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The preparation step connects you with the memories and emotional patterns you want to release and gets your subconscious on board with the process. A word of caution: if you have a history of severe trauma or abuse, it’s advisable to avoid focusing on these events the first time you work with the Pattern Resolution Process. It’s best to first become familiar and comfortable with the method, so you can then use it more effectively as you dig into these events.

a. Take a piece of paper and list six or seven events, situations, and people from your past that caused you to be anxious and afraid.
Ideally these memories span across your lifetime—from your early childhood to the last time you felt frightened, worried, or insecure.

b. Notice what these situations have in common.
Were you confused or paralyzed by fear and anxiety? Did you use the same coping mechanisms or protective strategies, such as trying to be invisible, running away, fighting, pleasing others, or trying to be perfect? Did you feel disempowered and, if so, who had the power?

c. Check to see if these memories are still charged with fear and anxiety.
How do you know? Close your eyes, and as you delve in to each event, notice how your body responds. Do you start feeling dizzy or ungrounded? Does your heart pound, your breathing become shallow and accelerated? Do you detect a weight pressing down on any part of your body? Do you feel tension or heat? Any kind of physical response indicates that your subconscious has held on to at least some of the fear and anxiety you experienced at that time.

d. Determine whether it’s worth holding onto the fear and anxiety connected with this memory.
Ask yourself the following questions:

    
• Do I like the way this old fear and anxiety feels?

    • Does holding on to these emotions serve me or help me to reach my goals?

    • Does it keep me safe?

    • Is any part of me resistant to releasing this emotional baggage?

Ideally, your answers will be no, unless your inner protector still believes, possibly out of habit, that letting go of past anxiety will inadvertently put you in danger.

If you detect such resistance, you’ll need to convince that part of your subconscious that it’s safe and beneficial for you to release the fear of the past. For example, you could use these arguments:

    • Does the fear of a deer trapped in the headlights of an oncoming car keep it safe, or does its fear paralyze it and thus increase its risk of getting hit?

    • The weight of these old emotions drains my energy, overloads my mind, and negatively impacts my immune system. Do a lack of energy and a clouded mind really make me safe?

    • When I burn myself on a hot stove, do I have to hold on to the pain to remember that I shouldn’t touch a stove once it has been turned on? Or can I learn this lesson and let go of the discomfort?

    • Wouldn’t it be more beneficial if I could learn from the past and then let go of the old fear and anxiety?

These arguments are usually sufficient to convince your inner protector that it’s in your best interest to resolve and release your emotional baggage—and to help you to get ready for step 2.

In addition to preparing your subconscious mind for the Pattern Resolution Process, this first step also serves as a reference point that allows you to compare the emotional intensity of these memories before you start the process to the intensity after you finish.

Now that you’re prepared, it’s time to connect to the place where all your memories and emotional baggage are stored—your life line.

Turn off your phone and go to a quiet, comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed for the next thirty to forty-five minutes. Sit or lie down, relax, and close your eyes.

Set your intention for this process by focusing on what you want to accomplish with it: to free yourself from the emotional baggage of fear and anxiety, to learn from and outgrow the challenges of the past, and to return to the present moment with greater peace, clarity, and access to your true potential.

Follow the steps about how to
discover your life line
from earlier in this chapter. Then adjust the brightness of the past and future portions of your life line, so that the future is at least two to three times brighter than the past. Also make sure that the past is clearly visible and not hidden in the dark. You don’t have to spot the individual events on your life line; you just want to gain a sense of where and how your subconscious stores your memories.

When you see or sense your life line, you’ve established a conscious connection with your subconscious mind, which provides you with the most powerful leverage for change. You can now direct, collaborate with, and observe the healing potential of your entire consciousness.

As you’re floating above the present moment, turn your full awareness toward the past portion of your life line.

Tell your subconscious mind to guide you to the earliest event on your list of fear- and anxiety-charged memories from step 1. Allow your subconscious to take you by your hand and lead you quickly across time and space—all the way back to that earliest experience, so you’re watching it from above.

When you’re hovering above the event, observe from this higher, outside perspective what took place at that time. Who were the people involved, and what were the circumstances that caused your younger self to feel frightened or afraid? If you still can’t see the event, descend slowly until you’re floating closer above it. Imagine that you’re breaking through the clouds of subconscious obscurity and gradually gaining a better view of and more information about this event.

If you feel that you’re being pulled too deeply into this memory or becoming too emotionally involved, inhale deeply. On the exhale, quickly rise at least ten times higher than you are at the moment, watching the event become smaller until you see it as nothing but a tiny speck on your life line. Stay at this altitude, far above your life line, until you’re feeling calm and unattached to the memory. At this point, you can either go back down to gain more insights or proceed to step 4.

By viewing your past from the place of learning, you’re claiming the role of the empowered observer, one who is no longer attached to the emotions that were associated with the memory, but who is now ready and eager to learn from and grow beyond it.

Still floating above your life line, go back to a point before the memory you want to resolve actually occurred. As you drift further into the past, your subconscious loses its emotional attachments to this memory simply because, from its point of view, the event hasn’t happened yet.

As soon as you no longer detect the emotions of the memory, float straight up, high above your life line, toward a space that’s imbued with peace and light. As you approach this very special place, the place of learning, imagine that you’re becoming lighter and more relaxed. Once you’ve arrived there, take a few moments to bask in its soothing energy. (This state of consciousness may be similar to one you’ve experienced in a deep meditation.)

From the higher vantage point of the place of learning—outside the time and space continuum—your heart and mind are wide open. In this empowered state, reflect on what happened during the event you just visited. The following questions and contemplations allow you to dismantle the memory from its confusing elements and emotions and obtain the insights and growth potential for which your subconscious wanted you to return.