The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (380 page)

poor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.

God bless you, sir, for I desire the same thing as the others here. I

came among the rest of these country

couples, to swear to one and swear off others, since

marriage binds and breaks apart blood relatives. This poor virgin,

sir, is an ugly thing, but my ugly thing. It is a poor

trait of mine, sir, to take what no one else

wants. Her being chaste and ugly is like a rich man living like a poor man

in a poor house, like a pearl in a disgusting oyster.

DUKE SENIOR

By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.

Truly, he is quick and wise.

TOUCHSTONE

According to the fool's bolt, sir, and such dulcet diseases.

It’s the jester’s lightning, quickly gone, to be diseased this sweetly.

JAQUES

But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the

quarrel on the seventh cause?

Back to the seventh cause. What was the

quarrel on the seventh cause?

TOUCHSTONE

Upon a lie seven times removed:--bear your body more

seeming, Audrey:--as thus, sir. I did dislike the

cut of a certain courtier's beard: he sent me word,

if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the

mind it was: this is called the Retort Courteous.

If I sent him word again 'it was not well cut,' he

would send me word, he cut it to please himself:

this is called the Quip Modest. If again 'it was

not well cut,' he disabled my judgment: this is

called the Reply Churlish. If again 'it was not

well cut,' he would answer, I spake not true: this

is called the Reproof Valiant. If again 'it was not

well cut,' he would say I lied: this is called the

Counter-cheque Quarrelsome: and so to the Lie

Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.

Our argument when through seven parts – stand up

straight, Audrey – like this, sir. I disliked the

way a certain court member cut his beard. He sent me a word

saying that even if I don’t like it, he thinks

it is fine: this is called the “Courteous Retort.”

If I said it again, then he

would say that he cut it just to please himself:

that is called the “Modest Quip.” If I said it

again, that it was not cut well, he would say that my judgment is meaningless: this is

called the “Churlish Reply.” If I said it again

he would just say that it is not true: this

is called the “Valiant Reproof.” If I said it again

he would say that I lied: this is called the

“Argumentative Countercheck.” And it continued to the

“Circumstantial Lie” and the “Direct Lie.”

JAQUES

And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?

How often did you say his beard did not look good?

TOUCHSTONE

I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial,

nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we

measured swords and parted.

I would go no further than the “Circumstantial Lie,”

and he would not dare to give me the “Direct Lie,” so we

drew swords, and then stopped fighting.

JAQUES

Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?

What were the steps of lying again?

TOUCHSTONE

O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have

books for good manners: I will name you the degrees.

The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the

Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the

fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the

Countercheque Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with

Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All

these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may

avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven

justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the

parties were met themselves, one of them thought but

of an If, as, 'If you said so, then I said so;' and

they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the

only peacemaker; much virtue in If.

Sir, we quarrel by the book, just like

there is a book for good manners. I will name you

the degrees. The first is the Courteous Retort, then the

Modest Quip, then the Churlish Reply, the

fourth is the Valiant Reproof, the fifth is the

Argumentative Countercheck, the sixth is the

Circumstantial Lie, and the seventh is the Direct Lie.

You can avoid all of these, and you can avoid

the Direct Lie with a well placed “If.” I knew a case

that seven judges could not fix, but when the

parties themselves met, one of them came up

with the If, like, “If you said this, then I said that,” and

they shook hands and swore that they were brothers. The If is the

only real peacemaker. There is much goodness in If.

JAQUES

Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he's as good at

any thing and yet a fool.

Isn’t he a rare fellow, my lord? He is talented and wise,

but still a clown.

DUKE SENIOR

He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and under

the presentation of that he shoots his wit.

He uses his costume and act like a disguise to

hide under when he speaks his wit.

Enter HYMEN, ROSALIND, and CELIA

Still Music

HYMEN

Then is there mirth in heaven,

When earthly things made even

Atone together.

Good duke, receive thy daughter

Hymen from heaven brought her,

Yea, brought her hither,

That thou mightst join her hand with his

Whose heart within his bosom is.

There is happiness in heaven

when earthly things are evened out

and put together.

Good duke, receive your daughter

whom Hymen brought,

yes, brought here

so that you can join her hand with his

whose heart is hers.

ROSALIND

[To DUKE SENIOR] To you I give myself, for I am yours.

To you I give myself, since I am yours.

To ORLANDO

To you I give myself, for I am yours.

To you I give myself, since I am yours.

DUKE SENIOR

If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.

If what I see is true, you are my daughter.

ORLANDO

If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.

If what I see is true, you are my Rosalind.

PHEBE

If sight and shape be true,

Why then, my love adieu!

If this sight is true,

then goodbye my love!

ROSALIND

I'll have no father, if you be not he:

I'll have no husband, if you be not he:

Nor ne'er wed woman, if you be not she.

I won’t have a father if you are not him,

I won’t have a husband if you are not him,

and I won’t marry a woman, if you are not her.

HYMEN

Peace, ho! I bar confusion:

'Tis I must make conclusion

Of these most strange events:

Here's eight that must take hands

To join in Hymen's bands,

If truth holds true contents.

You and you no cross shall part:

You and you are heart in heart

You to his love must accord,

Or have a woman to your lord:

You and you are sure together,

As the winter to foul weather.

Whiles a wedlock-hymn we sing,

Feed yourselves with questioning;

That reason wonder may diminish,

How thus we met, and these things finish.

Stop now! No confusion necessary,

I will make clear

these strange events.

There are eight here who must take hands

and join in marriage,

if you are all pleased with the truth in front of you.

[to Orlando and Rosalind]

No trials will part you.

[to Oliver and Celia]

You are joined in your hearts.

[to Phebe}

You must accept his love

or have a woman as your lord.

[to Touchstone and Audrey]

You two are bound like

the winter is to bad weather.

[to all]

While we sing a wedding song,

take in your questions

so that reason can take away your surprise

at how all of these things happened.

SONG.

Wedding is great Juno's crown:

O blessed bond of board and bed!

'Tis Hymen peoples every town;

High wedlock then be honoured:

Honour, high honour and renown,

To Hymen, god of every town!

Wedding is the crown of God,

O blessed bond of the home-life!

It is I who makes people for every town,

so marriage should be honored.

Honor, high honor, and renown,

to Hymen, the god of every town!

DUKE SENIOR

O my dear niece, welcome thou art to me!

Even daughter, welcome, in no less degree.

My niece, you are welcome here!

Even welcome as a true daughter to me.

PHEBE

I will not eat my word, now thou art mine;

Thy faith my fancy to thee doth combine.

I won’t break my word: you are mine.

Your faith has made me fancy you.

Enter JAQUES DE BOYS

JAQUES DE BOYS

Let me have audience for a word or two:

I am the second son of old Sir Rowland,

That bring these tidings to this fair assembly.

Duke Frederick, hearing how that every day

Men of great worth resorted to this forest,

Address'd a mighty power; which were on foot,

In his own conduct, purposely to take

His brother here and put him to the sword:

And to the skirts of this wild wood he came;

Where meeting with an old religious man,

After some question with him, was converted

Both from his enterprise and from the world,

His crown bequeathing to his banish'd brother,

And all their lands restored to them again

That were with him exiled. This to be true,

I do engage my life.

Everyone, give me your attention for a word.

I am the second son of Sir Rowland,

and I bring news to this congregation.

Duke Frederick, when he heard that every day

more noble and strong men were coming to this forest,

gathered a large army, which were marching

at his word to fight against

his brother and kill him with the sword.

At the edge of the forest,