The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (373 page)

he loves her with his whole heart.

ORLANDO

Pardon me, dear Rosalind.

Excuse me, dear Rosalind.

ROSALIND

Nay, an you be so tardy, come no more in my sight: I

had as lief be wooed of a snail.

No, if you are this late again, then do not come in my sight again. I

would rather be wood by a snail.

ORLANDO

Of a snail?

A snail?

ROSALIND

Ay, of a snail; for though he comes slowly, he

carries his house on his head; a better jointure,

I think, than you make a woman: besides he brings

his destiny with him.

Yes, a snail, because even though he is slow, he

carries his house with him: a better gift,

I think, than you can give a woman. Besides, he brings

his fate with him.

ORLANDO

What's that?

How so?

ROSALIND

Why, horns, which such as you are fain to be

beholding to your wives for: but he comes armed in

his fortune and prevents the slander of his wife.

He brings a cuckold’s horns with him, which you men are likely to be

blaming your wife for. But he comes armed with

his destiny of cheating, and therefore prevents rumors being sad about his wife.

ORLANDO

Virtue is no horn-maker; and my Rosalind is virtuous.

Virtue does not make a husband become unfaithful, and my Rosalind is virtuous.

ROSALIND

And I am your Rosalind.

And I am your Rosalind.

CELIA

It pleases him to call you so; but he hath a

Rosalind of a better leer than you.

He likes to call you that, but he has a

Rosalind with a better face than you waiting for him.

ROSALIND

Come, woo me, woo me, for now I am in a holiday

humour and like enough to consent. What would you

say to me now, an I were your very very Rosalind?

Come now, woo me, for now I am in a happy

mood and will consent to what you want. What would you

sat to me now, if I were your true Rosalind.

ORLANDO

I would kiss before I spoke.

I would kiss you before I said anything.

ROSALIND

Nay, you were better speak first, and when you were

gravelled for lack of matter, you might take

occasion to kiss. Very good orators, when they are

out, they will spit; and for lovers lacking--God

warn us!--matter, the cleanliest shift is to kiss.

Now, you would be better off speaking first, and then when you were

out of things to say, you can

kiss. Good speakers, when they have nothing left to

say, spit, and when lovers run out of words – God

forbid that happen! – the best thing to do is kiss.

ORLANDO

How if the kiss be denied?

What if she denies my kiss?

ROSALIND

Then she puts you to entreaty, and there begins new matter.

Then she is making you beg, and that is a new conversation.

ORLANDO

Who could be out, being before his beloved mistress?

Who could run out of words if he was in front of his beloved?

ROSALIND

Marry, that should you, if I were your mistress, or

I should think my honesty ranker than my wit.

If I were your mistress, than you would run out of words, or

else my chastity would be worth less than my wit.

ORLANDO

What, of my suit?

And I would be out of my suit?

ROSALIND

Not out of your apparel, and yet out of your suit.

Not out of your clothes, but yes, out of your petition to love me.

Am not I your Rosalind?

Aren’t I your Rosalind?

ORLANDO

I take some joy to say you are, because I would be

talking of her.

I enjoy saying that you are, because then it is like I

am talking to her.

ROSALIND

Well in her person I say I will not have you.

Then pretending I am her, I will say that I do not want you.

ORLANDO

Then in mine own person I die.

Then pretending I am me, I will die.

ROSALIND

No, faith, die by attorney. The poor world is

almost six thousand years old, and in all this time

there was not any man died in his own person,

videlicit, in a love-cause. Troilus had his brains

dashed out with a Grecian club; yet he did what he

could to die before, and he is one of the patterns

of love. Leander, he would have lived many a fair

year, though Hero had turned nun, if it had not been

for a hot midsummer night; for, good youth, he went

but forth to wash him in the Hellespont and being

taken with the cramp was drowned and the foolish

coroners of that age found it was 'Hero of Sestos.'

But these are all lies: men have died from time to

time and worms have eaten them, but not for love.

No, die through something else. The poor world is

almost six thousand years old, and in all of this time

no man died on behalf of himself,

that is, from love. Troilus had his brains

beaten out by a Greek club, yet he tried

to die from love, and he is considered a classic hero

of love. Leander, he would have lived many good

years, though he would have become a nun, if not

for that hot midsummer night when he went

to wash himself in the Hellespont and,

finding himself cramped, drowned. The foolish

coroners then said he was a Hero who died for love,

but these are lies: men have died from time to

time, and worms ate their bodies, and none of it came from love.

ORLANDO

I would not have my right Rosalind of this mind,

for, I protest, her frown might kill me.

I hope Rosalind does not think like this,

because I think her frowns might truly kill me.

ROSALIND

By this hand, it will not kill a fly. But come, now

I will be your Rosalind in a more coming-on

disposition, and ask me what you will. I will grant

it.

I swear by my hand, they would not kill a fly. But come on, now

I will be your Rosalind in a more agreeable

state of mind. Ask me what you want, and I will grant

it.

ORLANDO

Then love me, Rosalind.

Love me, Rosalind.

ROSALIND

Yes, faith, will I, Fridays and Saturdays and all.

Yes, I will: on Fridays and Saturdays and the rest of them.

ORLANDO

And wilt thou have me?

And will you have me?

ROSALIND

Ay, and twenty such.

Yes, and twenty like you.

ORLANDO

What sayest thou?

What do you mean?

ROSALIND

Are you not good?

Are you good?

ORLANDO

I hope so.

I hope so.

ROSALIND

Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing?

Come, sister, you shall be the priest and marry us.

Give me your hand, Orlando. What do you say, sister?

Then can one desire too much of a good thing?

Come sister, you will be the priest and marry us.

Give me your hand, Orlando. What do you say, sister?

ORLANDO

Pray thee, marry us.

I beg you, marry us.

CELIA

I cannot say the words.

I can’t say the words, since I’m not a priest.

ROSALIND

You must begin, 'Will you, Orlando--'

You start with, “Will you, Orlando-”

CELIA

Go to. Will you, Orlando, have to wife this Rosalind?

Stop it. Will you, Orlando, have to wife this Rosalind?

ORLANDO

I will.

I will.

ROSALIND

Ay, but when?

Yes, but when?

ORLANDO

Why now; as fast as she can marry us.

Now, of course, as fast as she can marry us.

ROSALIND

Then you must say 'I take thee, Rosalind, for wife.'

Then you must say, “I take you, Rosalind, as my wife.”

ORLANDO

I take thee, Rosalind, for wife.

I take you, Rosalind, as my wife.

ROSALIND

I might ask you for your commission; but I do take

thee, Orlando, for my husband: there's a girl goes

before the priest; and certainly a woman's thought

runs before her actions.

I might ask why you should be allowed to take me, but I do take

you, Orlando, as my husband. There, I went ahead

of the priest – and certainly a woman’s thoughts

run ahead of her actions.

ORLANDO

So do all thoughts; they are winged.

So do all thoughts, they act like they have wings.

ROSALIND

Now tell me how long you would have her after you

have possessed her.

Now tell me how long you would stay with her after you

possessed her.

ORLANDO

For ever and a day.

Forever and a day.

ROSALIND

Say 'a day,' without the 'ever.' No, no, Orlando;

men are April when they woo, December when they wed:

maids are May when they are maids, but the sky

changes when they are wives. I will be more jealous

of thee than a Barbary cock-pigeon over his hen,

more clamorous than a parrot against rain, more

new-fangled than an ape, more giddy in my desires

than a monkey: I will weep for nothing, like Diana

in the fountain, and I will do that when you are

disposed to be merry; I will laugh like a hyen, and

that when thou art inclined to sleep.

You should say “a day” and not the “ever.” No, Orlando,

men are like April when they woo, but their passions cool like December when they marry.

Women are May when they are not married, but the sky

changes above them when they become wives. I will be more jealous

of your than a wild rooster is over his hen,

more talkative than a parrot talking at the rain, more