The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (355 page)

Nature’s: Nature saw that we are not naturally smart enough

to talk about either goddess, and so sent us

this natural fool to make us smarter. After all, the ignorance of

the fool always makes the wits of the smart person sharper. Hello,

fool! Where are you off to?

TOUCHSTONE

Mistress, you must come away to your father.

Mistress, you must come see your father.

CELIA

Were you made the messenger?

And he sent you to take me away?

TOUCHSTONE

No, by mine honour, but I was bid to come for you.

By my honor, not to take you away like a police officer! But I was sent to get you.

ROSALIND

Where learned you that oath, fool?

Where did you learn an oath like that, “by my honor,” you fool?

TOUCHSTONE

Of a certain knight that swore by his honour they

were good pancakes and swore by his honour the

mustard was naught: now I'll stand to it, the

pancakes were naught and the mustard was good, and

yet was not the knight forsworn.

A knight I knew swore by his honor that the

pancakes were good and he swore by his honor that the

mustard was not good – but truly, the

pancakes were not good and the mustard was fine, and

yet still, since the knight had sworn, he had not lied.

CELIA

How prove you that, in the great heap of your

knowledge?

How do you figure that? Prove it from your great amount

of knowledge.

ROSALIND

Ay, marry, now unmuzzle your wisdom.

Yes, unleash all of your wisdom.

TOUCHSTONE

Stand you both forth now: stroke your chins, and

swear by your beards that I am a knave.

Then stand back, both of you. First stroke your chins and

swear by your beards that I am a rascal.

CELIA

By our beards, if we had them, thou art.

By our beards (if we had them, that is), you are a rascal.

TOUCHSTONE

By my knavery, if I had it, then I were; but if you

swear by that that is not, you are not forsworn: no

more was this knight swearing by his honour, for he

never had any; or if he had, he had sworn it away

before ever he saw those pancakes or that mustard.

And I swear by my trickery, if I had any, that I am a rascal as well: but if you

swear by something that you don’t have, then even a lie doesn’t break that oath.

The knight swore by his honor, but really he

never had any to begin with – or if he did, then he lost it by making oaths

long before he saw the pancakes or the mustard.

CELIA

Prithee, who is't that thou meanest?

Tell us, who are you talking about?

TOUCHSTONE

One that old Frederick, your father, loves.

A knight whom your father, old Frederick, loves.

CELIA

My father's love is enough to honour him: enough!

speak no more of him; you'll be whipped for taxation

one of these days.

Then my father’s love is enough to make him honorable! Now stop

and don’t speak any more about him, or else you will be whipped for slander.

I’m sure you will some day anyway.

TOUCHSTONE

The more pity, that fools may not speak wisely what

wise men do foolishly.

It is sad that fools are not allowed to talk wisely about

the foolish actions of wise men.

CELIA

By my troth, thou sayest true; for since the little

wit that fools have was silenced, the little foolery

that wise men have makes a great show. Here comes

Monsieur Le Beau.

That’s true: since the little

wisdom that fools might have has been silenced, the little foolishness

that wise men have ends up being obvious and apparent. Here comes

Mister Le Beau.

ROSALIND

With his mouth full of news.

No doubt full of news to tell us.

CELIA

Which he will put on us, as pigeons feed their young.

He will force it on us the same way that pigeons feed their young.

ROSALIND

Then shall we be news-crammed.

And then we shall be stuffed with news.

CELIA

All the better; we shall be the more marketable.

Good, a fatter bird is worth more anyway.

Enter LE BEAU

Bon jour, Monsieur Le Beau: what's the news?

Hello, Mister Le Beau: what is new?

LE BEAU

Fair princess, you have lost much good sport.

Fair princess, you are missing out on some fun.

CELIA

Sport! of what colour?

Fun! What color of fun?

LE BEAU

What colour, madam! how shall I answer you?

What color, madam? I don’t understand; how am I supposed to respond to that?

ROSALIND

As wit and fortune will.

As your brain and luck allows you.

TOUCHSTONE

Or as the Destinies decree.

Or as the Fates say you will.

CELIA

Well said: that was laid on with a trowel.

Well said: you laid that on thick.

TOUCHSTONE

Nay, if I keep not my rank,--

If I don’t keep my Jester’s rank–

ROSALIND

Thou losest thy old smell.

Then you’ll lose your smell.

LE BEAU

You amaze me, ladies: I would have told you of good

wrestling, which you have lost the sight of.

Ladies, you are confusing me. I wanted to tell you of a good

wrestling match, which you have missed part of.

ROSALIND

You tell us the manner of the wrestling.

Tell us more about this match.

LE BEAU

I will tell you the beginning; and, if it please

your ladyships, you may see the end; for the best is

yet to do; and here, where you are, they are coming

to perform it.

I will tell you about the beginning, and if you find it interesting,

you can see the end, which is the best

part. In fact, they are coming here to finish the match.

CELIA

Well, the beginning, that is dead and buried.

Well the beginning is over with, it’s dead and buried.

LE BEAU

There comes an old man and his three sons,--

An old man came with his three sons–

CELIA

I could match this beginning with an old tale.

This sounds like the beginning of an old folk tale.

LE BEAU

Three proper young men, of excellent growth and presence.

Three good and right young men, big and strong, with a commanding presence.

ROSALIND

With bills on their necks, 'Be it known unto all men

by these presents.'

With signs around their necks that say, “Let it be known to everyone

by these presents.’

LE BEAU

The eldest of the three wrestled with Charles, the

duke's wrestler; which Charles in a moment threw him

and broke three of his ribs, that there is little

hope of life in him: so he served the second, and

so the third. Yonder they lie; the poor old man,

their father, making such pitiful dole over them

that all the beholders take his part with weeping.

The oldest brother wrestled with Charles, the

duke’s own wrestler, and Charles immediately threw him

and broke three of his ribs. It is doubtful that

he will survive. He did the same to the second and

to the third brother. They are lying over there, and their poor old father

is crying so loudly and sadly over them

that everyone watching in the audience is grieving as well.

ROSALIND

Alas!

Oh no!

TOUCHSTONE

But what is the sport, monsieur, that the ladies

have lost?

So what is the fun part, sir, that you say the ladies have missed?

LE BEAU

Why, this that I speak of.

Why, what I just said.

TOUCHSTONE

Thus men may grow wiser every day: it is the first

time that ever I heard breaking of ribs was sport

for ladies.

Men must be getting smarter every day, since this is the first

time I have ever heard someone call broken ribs a fun sport

for ladies to see.

CELIA

Or I, I promise thee.

Me too, I promise.

ROSALIND

But is there any else longs to see this broken music

in his sides? is there yet another dotes upon

rib-breaking? Shall we see this wrestling, cousin?

But who else longs to hear the noise of breath

pushed through broken ribs? And who but us would love to see

ribs being broken? Can we see the wrestling, cousin Celia?

LE BEAU

You must, if you stay here; for here is the place

appointed for the wrestling, and they are ready to

perform it.

You will if you stay here, since this is where

they will finish the wrestling, and they are ready

to keep going.

CELIA

Yonder, sure, they are coming: let us now stay and see it.

Yes – they are coming from over there. We should stay and watch.

Flourish. Enter DUKE FREDERICK, Lords, ORLANDO, CHARLES, and Attendants

DUKE FREDERICK

Come on: since the youth will not be entreated, his

own peril on his forwardness.

Come on, then. Since this young man won’t listen to pleas to stop, he

risks his own life from his hardheadedness.

ROSALIND

Is yonder the man?

Is that the man?

LE BEAU

Even he, madam.

Yes it is, madam.

CELIA

Alas, he is too young! yet he looks successfully.

Oh, but he is too young! But he looks like he can handle himself well.

DUKE FREDERICK

How now, daughter and cousin! are you crept hither

to see the wrestling?

Daughter and niece, what are you doing here? Have you come

to see the wrestling?