The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (338 page)

To have her name repeated: all her deserving

Is a reserved honesty, and that

I have not heard examined.

Oh, I think for him

or for the great count himself, she is too low

to be praised or even have her name

spoken: her only virtue

is her quiet honesty, and I haven't

heard anybody question that.

DIANA

Alas, poor lady!

'Tis a hard bondage to become the wife

Of a detesting lord.

Alas, poor lady!

It's thankless task to be the wife

of a husband who hates you.

Widow

I warrant, good creature, wheresoe'er she is,

Her heart weighs sadly: this young maid might do her

A shrewd turn, if she pleased.

I'll bet that the good creature, wherever she is,

has a heavy heart: this young maid might do her

a good turn, if she wished.

HELENA

How do you mean?

May be the amorous count solicits her

In the unlawful purpose.

How do you mean?

Maybe the randy count is paying attention to her

from impure motives.

Widow

He does indeed;

And brokes with all that can in such a suit

Corrupt the tender honour of a maid:

But she is arm'd for him and keeps her guard

In honestest defence.

He is indeed;

and has been throwing everything at her

that could corrupt the tender honour of a maid.

MARIANA

The gods forbid else!

Heaven forbid!

Widow

So, now they come:

Look, they're coming:

Drum and Colours

Enter BERTRAM, PAROLLES, and the whole army

That is Antonio, the duke's eldest son;

That, Escalus.

That is Antonio, the Duke's eldest son;

that one is Escalus.

HELENA

Which is the Frenchman?

Which one is the Frenchman?

DIANA

He;

That with the plume: 'tis a most gallant fellow.

I would he loved his wife: if he were honester

He were much goodlier: is't not a handsome gentleman?

That one;

the one with the plume: he is a brave chap.

I wish he loved his wife: if he were more honest

he would be a better man: isn't he handsome?

HELENA

I like him well.

I like him very much.

DIANA

'Tis pity he is not honest: yond's that same knave

That leads him to these places: were I his lady,

I would Poison that vile rascal.

It's a pity he's not honest: over there is the knave

who makes him do these things: if I were his wife

I would poison that foul scoundrel.

HELENA

Which is he?

Which one is he?

DIANA

That jack-an-apes with scarfs: why is he melancholy?

That monkey with the scarves: why does he look sad?

HELENA

Perchance he's hurt i' the battle.

Maybe he's been hurt in the battle.

PAROLLES

Lose our drum! well.

We've lost our drum! Well.

MARIANA

He's shrewdly vexed at something: look, he has spied us.

He's definitely annoyed about something: look, he's spotted us.

Widow

Marry, hang you!

Ah, hang you!

MARIANA

And your courtesy, for a ring-carrier!

Exeunt BERTRAM, PAROLLES, and army

And your politeness as a pimp!

Widow

The troop is past. Come, pilgrim, I will bring you

Where you shall host: of enjoin'd penitents

There's four or five, to great Saint Jaques bound,

Already at my house.

The parade is over. Come on, pilgrim, I will bring you

to your lodgings: there are already four or five

sworn Pilgrims, headed for great St James,

at my house.

HELENA

I humbly thank you:

Please it this matron and this gentle maid

To eat with us to-night, the charge and thanking

Shall be for me; and, to requite you further,

I will bestow some precepts of this virgin

Worthy the note.

I give you my humble thanks:

if you are agreeable I would like this lady and this gentle girl

to eat with us tonight, at my expense

and for my pleasure; and, to pay you further,

I will give you some advice

that will be worth listening to.

BOTH

We'll take your offer kindly.

We'd be glad to accept.

Exeunt

Enter BERTRAM and the two French Lords

Second Lord

Nay, good my lord, put him to't; let him have his

way.

No, my good lord, put him to the test; see what he does.

First Lord

If your lordship find him not a hilding, hold me no

more in your respect.

If your lordship doesn't find that he's a coward, have no respect

for me any more.

Second Lord

On my life, my lord, a bubble.

I swear on my life, my lord, he's a coward.

BERTRAM

Do you think I am so far deceived in him?

Do you think I could be so much mistaken?

Second Lord

Believe it, my lord, in mine own direct knowledge,

without any malice, but to speak of him as my

kinsman, he's a most notable coward, an infinite and

endless liar, an hourly promise-breaker, the owner

of no one good quality worthy your lordship's

entertainment.

You should believe it, my lord, I have seen it myself,

I'm not speaking with any malice, but speaking of him as my

kinsman, he's a complete coward, he never stops lying,

breaks promises every hour, and has not a single

good quality to recommend him to you.

First Lord

It were fit you knew him; lest, reposing too far in

his virtue, which he hath not, he might at some

great and trusty business in a main danger fail you.

It's best that you know what he's like, in case you put too much trust

in his goodness, of which he has none, and then he might

fail you in some great important business.

BERTRAM

I would I knew in what particular action to try him.

I wish I knew the best way to test him.

First Lord

None better than to let him fetch off his drum,

which you hear him so confidently undertake to do.

No better way than to tell him to get his drum,

which you've heard him so confidently say he will do.

Second Lord

I, with a troop of Florentines, will suddenly

surprise him; such I will have, whom I am sure he

knows not from the enemy: we will bind and hoodwink

him so, that he shall suppose no other but that he

is carried into the leaguer of the adversaries, when

we bring him to our own tents. Be but your lordship

present at his examination: if he do not, for the

promise of his life and in the highest compulsion of

base fear, offer to betray you and deliver all the

intelligence in his power against you, and that with

the divine forfeit of his soul upon oath, never

trust my judgment in any thing.

I, with a troop of Florentines, will suddenly

ambush him; I have some whom I'm sure he

doesn't know from the enemy: we will try and blindfold

him so that he thinks that he has been carried

into a meeting of the enemy, when

we bring him into our own tents. All you have to do

is be present when we question him: if he does not,

in return for his life and out of cowardice,

offer to betray you and gives up all the secrets

he has that could harm you, swearing that

they are true with a holy oath, never

trust my judgement again.

First Lord

O, for the love of laughter, let him fetch his drum;

he says he has a stratagem for't: when your

lordship sees the bottom of his success in't, and to

what metal this counterfeit lump of ore will be

melted, if you give him not John Drum's

entertainment, your inclining cannot be removed.

Here he comes.

Oh, for the fun of it, tell him to fetch his drum;

he says he has a plan for it: when your lordship

sees what this will lead to, and to

what base metal this fake lump of ore will be

reduced to, if you don't play this game

with the drum, you will always have doubts.

Here he comes.

Enter PAROLLES

Second Lord

[Aside to BERTRAM] O, for the love of laughter,

hinder not the honour of his design: let him fetch

off his drum in any hand.

Oh, for the sake of fun,

do not block him in his plan: let him go

and get his drum in any way he wants.

BERTRAM

How now, monsieur! this drum sticks sorely in your

disposition.

How are you, sir! I can see this business of the drum

is bothering you.

First Lord

A pox on't, let it go; 'tis but a drum.

Blast the thing man, let it go; it's only a drum.

PAROLLES

'But a drum'! is't 'but a drum'? A drum so lost!

There was excellent command,--to charge in with our

horse upon our own wings, and to rend our own soldiers!