The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (1081 page)

So he is.

Well he is.

PANDARUS.

Condition I had gone barefoot to India!

That's about as likely as me making a barefoot pilgrimage to India!

CRESSIDA.

He is not Hector.

He is not Hector.

PANDARUS.

Himself! no, he's not himself. Would 'a were himself!

Well, the gods are above; time must friend or end. Well, Troilus,

well! I would my heart were in her body! No, Hector is not a

better man than Troilus.

Himself! No, he's not himself. I wish he was himself!

Well, the gods rule everything; time must make things better or finish them.

Well, Troilus, well! I wish my heart was in her body! No, Hector is not a

better man than Troilus.

CRESSIDA.

Excuse me.

I beg to differ.

PANDARUS.

He is elder.

He is older.

CRESSIDA.

Pardon me, pardon me.

I can't agree with you.

PANDARUS.

Th' other's not come to't; you shall tell me another tale

when th' other's come to't. Hector shall not have his wit this

year.

Troilus isn't fully grown yet; you'll soon change your tune

when he is. Hector won't be able to match his intelligence within a year.

CRESSIDA.

He shall not need it if he have his own.

He won't need to if he has his own.

PANDARUS.

Nor his qualities.

He won't have the same qualities.

CRESSIDA.

No matter.

It doesn't matter.

PANDARUS.

Nor his beauty.

Nor his beauty.

CRESSIDA.

'Twould not become him: his own's better.

It wouldn't suit him: his own is better.

PANDARUS.

You have no judgment, niece. Helen herself swore th'

other day that Troilus, for a brown favour, for so 'tis, I must

confess- not brown neither-

You're a poor judge, niece. Helen herself swore the

other day that Troilus, for someone with a dark complexion, which he has,

I must confess–not really dark–

CRESSIDA.

No, but brown.

No, it is dark.

PANDARUS.

Faith, to say truth, brown and not brown.

I swear, to tell the truth, it's dark and not dark.

CRESSIDA.

To say the truth, true and not true.

To tell the truth, it's true and not true.

PANDARUS.

She prais'd his complexion above Paris.

She praised his complexion as being better than that of Paris.

CRESSIDA.

Why, Paris hath colour enough.

Why, Paris has a good enough colour.

PANDARUS.

So he has.

Yes he has.

CRESSIDA.

Then Troilus should have too much. If she prais'd him

above, his complexion is higher than his; he having colour

enough, and the other higher, is too flaming praise for a good

complexion. I had as lief Helen's golden tongue had commended

Troilus for a copper nose.

So in that case Troilus has too much. If she praised him above

Paris, then his complexion is redder than his; as Paris has

a good enough colour, and Troilus is redder, then the praise

is no praise at all. It would be just the same as if Helen had

praised him for having a red nose.

PANDARUS.

I swear to you I think Helen loves him better than Paris.

I swear to you I think Helen loves him more than Paris.

CRESSIDA.

Then she's a merry Greek indeed.

Then she certainly shares out her Greek favours.

PANDARUS.

Nay, I am sure she does. She came to him th' other day

into the compass'd window-and you know he has not past three or

four hairs on his chin-

No, I am sure she does. She came to him the other day

by the bay window–and you know he hasn't got more than three or four hairs

on his chin–

CRESSIDA.

Indeed a tapster's arithmetic may soon bring his

particulars therein to a total.

Yes, even a barman could quickly add up

his total there.

PANDARUS.

Why, he is very young, and yet will he within three pound

lift as much as his brother Hector.

Why, he is very young, yet he can lift weights within three pounds

of those his brother Hector can.

CRESSIDA.

Is he so young a man and so old a lifter?

Such a young man thrusting so much up?

PANDARUS.

But to prove to you that Helen loves him: she came and

puts me her white hand to his cloven chin-

But to prove to you Helen loves him: she came and

put her white hand on his split chin–

CRESSIDA.

Juno have mercy! How came it cloven?

Juno have mercy!How did it come to be split?

PANDARUS.

Why, you know, 'tis dimpled. I think his smiling becomes

him better than any man in all Phrygia.

Well, you know, it is dimpled. I think his smile suits

him better than any man in all of Phrygia.

CRESSIDA.

O, he smiles valiantly!

Oh, he smiles bravely!

PANDARUS.

Does he not?

Doesn't he?

CRESSIDA.

O yes, an 'twere a cloud in autumn!

Oh yes, like the sun behind a rain cloud.

PANDARUS.

Why, go to, then! But to prove to you that Helen loves

Troilus-

Well, sucks to you, then! But to prove to you that Helen loves

Troilus–

CRESSIDA.

Troilus will stand to the proof, if you'll prove it so.

Troilus willbe pleased to accept it, if you can prove it.

PANDARUS.

Troilus! Why, he esteems her no more than I esteem an

addle egg.

Troilus! Why, he likes her no more than I like rotten eggs.

CRESSIDA.

If you love an addle egg as well as you love an idle

head, you would eat chickens i' th' shell.

If you love rotten eggs as much as you love

empty heads, you will eat half hatched chicks.

PANDARUS.

I cannot choose but laugh to think how she tickled his

chin. Indeed, she has a marvell's white hand, I must needs

confess.

I can't help laughing when I think of how she tickled his

chin. Indeed
,
she has a marvellously white hand, I must confess–

CRESSIDA.

Without the rack.

And you don't even need to be tortured to do it.

PANDARUS.

And she takes upon her to spy a white hair on his chin.

And she said she could see a white hair on his chin.

CRESSIDA.

Alas, poor chin! Many a wart is richer.

Alas, poor chin! There are many warts with more hairs on them.

PANDARUS.

But there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba laugh'd that

her eyes ran over.

But there was such laughter! Queen Hecuba laughed until

she cried.

CRESSIDA.

With millstones.

They can't have been tears of laughter.

PANDARUS.

And Cassandra laughed.

And Cassandra laughed.

CRESSIDA.

But there was a more temperate fire under the pot of her

eyes. Did her eyes run o'er too?

But the pot of her eyes wasn't boiling over.

Did she weep too?

PANDARUS.

And Hector laughed.

And Hector laughed.

CRESSIDA.

At what was all this laughing?

What was everyone laughing at?

PANDARUS.

Marry, at the white hair that Helen spied on Troilus'

chin.

Why, at the white hair that Helen spotted on Troilus'

chin.

CRESSIDA.

An't had been a green hair I should have laugh'd too.

If it had been a green hair I should have laughed as well.

PANDARUS.

They laugh'd not so much at the hair as at his pretty

answer.

They weren't laughing so much at the hair as at his clever

answer.

CRESSIDA.

What was his answer?

What did he say?

PANDARUS.

Quoth she 'Here's but two and fifty hairs on your chin,

and one of them is white.'

She said, ‘there are only fifty-two hairs on your chin,

and one of them is white.’

CRESSIDA.

This is her question.

That's what she said.

PANDARUS.

That's true; make no question of that. 'Two and fifty

hairs,' quoth he 'and one white. That white hair is my father,

and all the rest are his sons.' 'Jupiter!' quoth she 'which of

these hairs is Paris my husband?' 'The forked one,' quoth he,

'pluck't out and give it him.' But there was such laughing! and

Helen so blush'd, and Paris so chaf'd; and all the rest so

laugh'd that it pass's.

That's true; no doubt about that.‘Fifty-two

hairs,’ he said, ‘and one is white. That white hair is my father,

and the rest are all his sons.’ ‘By Jupiter!’ she said, ‘which of

these hairs is my husband Paris?’ ‘The bent one,’ he said,

‘pull it out and give it to him.’ Everyone laughed so much! And

Helen blushed so much, and Paris was so angry, and everyone else

laughed so much I can hardly describe it.

CRESSIDA.

So let it now; for it has been a great while going by.

I wish you wouldn't, you've taken your time over it.

PANDARUS.

Well, cousin, I told you a thing yesterday; think on't.

Well, cousin, I said something to you yesterday; do you remember?

CRESSIDA.

So I do.

Yes I do.

PANDARUS.

I'll be sworn 'tis true; he will weep you, and 'twere a