The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism (35 page)

Over the course of many weeks, Arthur was kind enough to let me observe his alpha male charisma in action. We were sitting on the terrace of a restaurant one day having brunch—eggs Benedict for him, poached salmon for me. Suddenly, he leaned over and told me: “You know, charisma can have side effects.”

For Arthur, charisma’s greatest danger is that it gives you the power to convince people even when you’re completely wrong. “I’ve realized that as long as I’m convinced that I’m right, and strongly care about it, I can convince people of
anything
. And I am no more likely to be right than they are, frankly. It’s just that when I combine logical arguments with emotion, passion, and charisma, it suddenly just feels right for everyone to do what I say.”

Arthur told me that he’s learned to consciously restrain his charisma when he’s with his own team. He tries to set up guardrails to prevent it from overpowering worthwhile arguments. As he told me, “I’ve been noticing how convincing I sound, how objective and fair I appear, when in reality, as I realize later, I was neither. With great power comes great responsibility. I second-guess my decisions now much more than I used to.”

As you become increasingly charismatic and things start happening easily for you, there’s also a risk of assuming that things happen just as easily and smoothly for other people. Try to remember that this isn’t the case; others don’t all have your new charismatic powers.

Being seen as superhuman can also impact your entire organization as people start to rely on your special qualities and begin to assume that things will always turn out right. On the one hand, they
may feel that they no longer need to work as hard; they may feel absolved of responsibility and become complacent. On the other hand, they can also become overconfident, taking risks they wouldn’t otherwise take, feeling that if anything goes wrong, you’ll magically fix it.

Warning: Charisma Is a Power Tool; Use It Responsibly

People often ask me whether the techniques they’re learning could have dangerous consequences. And of course they could—this stuff is powerful. There is indeed a dark side. Many of those who have studied charisma closely have come to warn against it.

Until the 1980s, in fact, many highly influential leadership thinkers, such as Peter Drucker, vehemently opposed both the study and the teaching of charisma. Drucker frequently pointed out that the most charismatic leaders of the last century were Hitler, Stalin, Mao, and Mussolini.

Charisma is powerful because it increases one’s ability to influence others. Any training that heightens this ability has the potential of being used in both helpful and harmful ways. In its aim, charisma training is no different from any other leadership skills training. Should we, then, discourage all training in leadership effectiveness?

Marshall Goldsmith told me that he sees charisma as an asset like any other, just like intelligence: “If you’re going in the right direction, you’ll get there faster. In the wrong direction, charisma will also help you get there faster. It’s an asset, not an insurance policy. Do many charismatic leaders fail? Of course they do. Just like many very intelligent leaders. That doesn’t mean that either charisma or intelligence is wrong.”

A knife can be used both to heal and to hurt. Whether in the hands of a surgeon or the hands of a criminal it’s the same instrument. Tools are seldom good or bad per se. What you’ve gained throughout this book is an array of tools—you get to decide how to use them. It’s what you do with your charisma that matters.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Charisma has a few possible downsides: you can become the target of envy and resentment, others can reveal too much during your interactions, you are held to a higher standard, it can be lonely at the top, and charisma may work even when it shouldn’t.

To mitigate envy and resentment, reflect or transfer praise and glory. Highlight others who deserve praise and give people ownership of your success.

To stop people from oversharing, interject a “me, too” story, or help them destigmatize if it’s too late to do so.

Showing vulnerability will make you more likable and more relatable, and will prevent people from expecting you to be superhuman, all-powerful, all-knowing, and always right. Charisma is a powerful tool—use it responsibly.

IF YOU HAD
met James in January 2005, you would have seen a young man of medium height, slight build, and brown eyes floating in his loose suit, off-white shirt, and brown shoes. He might have walked up to you a bit hesitantly and given you a rather limp handshake. Throughout the conversation, James would have spoken in a quiet, flat voice, rarely maintaining eye contact for more than a second or two. Uncomfortable with his own presence, he would have come across as reserved and distant, even when he was actually truly interested.

James had everything going for him: he had a sharp mind, deep insights, a lot of talent, and he worked hard. With full charisma, he would have been a powerful force within his firm. As it was, James’s skills, dedication, and accomplishments went unnoticed. He might have been described as “nice,” but he was completely forgettable.

When I first met James, he did
not
make a good first impression. Despite his keen intelligence, he had no idea how to own the space around him. His great technical skills didn’t help him make
his presence felt. Nor did he understand the perception that his questioning tone and nervous nodding gave off. He came across as shy, awkward, and hesitant—the very opposite of a confident and charismatic leader.

Those who’d worked with him knew this wasn’t an accurate reflection of James’s worth. “Listen, we
know
he’s got great potential, a brilliant mind, and quite a bit of expertise,” his boss told me. “But somehow, he’s consistently ignored in meetings, passed over for promotions, and altogether overlooked.” James was doing outstanding work, yet he never received the full recognition he deserved. Why? The decidedly uncharismatic impressions he made were always dogging his heels.

James was skeptical about how much of a difference charisma training could make to his career. He was, however, willing to give it one wholehearted attempt. In our very first session, we identified which charisma styles would work best for him. James learned several power- and warmth-enhancing visualizations that he could start using immediately. He learned how to change his posture to get a confidence-boosting cycle going. He learned how to “get into his toes.” After just one session, the difference was striking. Already he was walking differently, holding himself differently, and projecting far more confidence. This was still James, yet he carried new strength.

In the weeks that followed, we worked on unleashing more of his charisma potential as he gained both verbal and nonverbal tools to increase his presence, power, and warmth. James continued adjusting and improving his posture, voice, conversation, and presentation skills. He could now take up space with his body language, finally comfortable being the big gorilla. He could fluctuate his voice with warmth and power and he spoke with a richer, more resonant tone.

Within just a few weeks of our working together, James had achieved an astounding transformation. His peers watched in awe and his superiors in amazement as their colleague’s performance rating soared. As one of them told me later, it was “a complete metamorphosis.”

Three months after our coaching began, James reflected on how profound this change had been: “The business star you see today did not exist ninety days ago.” Nowadays, when James walks into a room,
people
notice
. When he speaks at meetings, people listen. And he wrote me recently: “These practices have now become second nature.”

Yet it’s obvious to me that the charismatic presence he has now was always there, buried deep. It simply just took the right insights and the right skills to get him to where he is now, easily infusing his business dealings with more personal magnetism. Just like a rough diamond needs polishing to reveal its brilliance, it took a little skill and practice to bring James’s inner superstar to the surface.

Now you know what charisma is: behaviors that project presence, power, and warmth. You know these behaviors can be learned, and you’ve been given an entire toolkit to do so. You’ve been absorbing a host of new practices, mindset shifts, and ways of being. From here onward, it’s going to be a delicate balance between being true to your nature and stretching out of your traditional comfort zones. As you practice them, these techniques will gradually become a part of who you are rather than a set of skills you’re learning. Remember, it’s really a question of
accessing
different parts of you, learning to more fully express qualities that you already have. We all have the capacity for presence, power, and warmth.

Stretch the boundaries of your comfort zone in low-stakes situations. On the other hand, when you’re in high-stakes situations, don’t take the risk of coming across as uncomfortable or inauthentic. While you’re learning, in difficult or important situations, stick with the charismatic behaviors and styles that are easiest for you.

You’re embarking on an expedition. Expect ups and downs, detours, and obstacles along the way. But your interactions will soon start to feel increasingly positive, sometimes even magical. Remember to
enjoy
this progression. Sit back and appreciate how well the interaction is going, how well you’re doing. Drink it in.

Your life is about to change. Enjoy the journey.

Books

Brach, Tara.
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha
. New York: Bantam, 2004. A great resource for emotional training; I’ve often called this one “graduate school for the heart.”

Cialdini, Robert B.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
. Rev. ed. New York: Harper Paperbacks, 2006. Considered the “bible” of influence, Cialdini’s book is required reading in most MBA programs.

Frankl, Viktor E.
Man’s Search for Meaning
. Rev. ed. New York: Pocket Books, 1997. A great help in gaining equanimity, this is a worthwhile read for anyone facing a crisis. Few books can give you perspective like this one (and in so few pages).