The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism (34 page)

My fellow coach, Eli, was a former Israeli Army officer with decades of experience. “Of course they disappear,” he told me. “They’re recoiling in shame. During the session, you created such a strong force field that it
does
feel like magic to them, and they’re on a high—almost inebriated. In that altered state, they share much more than they normally would and go much further than they would if ‘sober.’ ”

My heart sank as I realized how well his explanation fit. Eli continued: “A few hours later, or the next morning, as they come out of the trance, their ego wakes up, realizes how much they shared, how far they went, and moans, ‘Oh, what have you done?’ ”

He related this to the experience of waking up the morning after a night of debauchery with the horrified shame of realizing what you’ve done under the influence. And he concluded, “Never take people deeper than they’re ready to go. It’s
your
job to not give in to the high, to not let them reveal more than they’re ready for.”

Over the years I’ve realized that this feeling of a safe cocoon can have other side effects. Sometimes, without realizing it, as people feel so safe and strong, they’ll venture too close to their own demons, ones that they’re not ready to face. This challenge is one of the few downsides that can accompany kindness or focus charisma.

I remember one extraordinary session where I led my client from epiphany to epiphany. Oh, it was a high. He saw so much of his potential, so much of himself, he told me the scales had fallen from his eyes. He said he felt lifted, renewed, and reborn. I thought this was quite a triumph, gave him a few guidelines, and sent him on his way.

I didn’t hear from him for a month. I was a bit concerned, but assumed he was focusing on his “homework.” When he finally called, he told me what had happened: “You can’t imagine the impact, the effect, that half hour with you had. I holed up in my apartment for a week. For a week it absorbed my whole world. Turned it upside down.”

Yes, he had emerged, and, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, his steady ascent through the company since that week is something he thanks me for to this day.
But we were lucky.
I’d unknowingly walked him right into the deepest waters, and wasn’t holding his hand as I left him to figure out how to sink or swim.

In the years since, under the guidance of wiser mentors, I’ve learned not to give in to the magical feeling that charisma can create and to put the brakes on so that my clients’ comfort builds gradually, over a number of sessions.

It’s not easy, however, to slow people down when they’re in the middle of this kind of experience without leaving them feeling hurt and rejected. Here are a few “soft landing” approaches to try:

1. Pay attention. When they start sharing, ask yourself: Will they regret having said this tomorrow?
   
2. As soon as you hear them start to say something you think they may regret, interject a “me, too” story. This is the
   one
   case where interruption is warranted. Ideally, this would be something you’ve personally experienced, second best would be something that someone close to you has experienced, and third best would be something you’ve heard about. The “me, too” interjection accomplishes three things:
   

   First, this forces them to pause, interrupts their flow, and gives them a chance to slow down the stream of personal revelations.
   

   Second, they get to hear something similar to what they’ve just shared told by someone else, and with this switching of roles, a chance to hear how revelatory their own sharing was. They can then decide whether they feel comfortable continuing on that path.
   

   Last, this will help them when they come off the high. If their ego recoils in shame over having shared too much, they can cling to the fact that the person they shared so much with revealed something similar.
   

3. If it’s too late and they’ve already gone too far, show them that you are placing their revelations in the whole-scope context of all you know about them—that whatever they are revealing is just one piece of a much bigger picture that contains many elements they can be proud of. Say something like, “Wow, I never would have guessed you had such a strong impostor syndrome, too, considering all your accomplishments.”
   
4. You can also aim to make them feel admired for having shared and revealed so much. Remember, what you’re trying to counteract is shame, and few things work better for this than admiration. For example: “You’re showing some serious courage to be delving so deep. That’s impressive.”
   

Let’s say you’re meeting a client for the first time. The meeting starts off great—the client clearly likes you, and you turn on your focus or kindness charisma full blast. You can feel the comfort growing, and the client increasingly reveals his plans for the company and explains where he’d most like your help. So far, so good—very good.

But as the meeting progresses and the comfort level keeps growing, the client tells you how amazing it is that he feels so at ease with you. He starts revealing more about his own personal thoughts and views about how his company is doing, how
he’s
doing, what his hopes and dreams and fears are—even his insecurities.

Your job is to listen attentively to each sentence and, using one of the techniques above, aim to break the flow when you think the potential backlash for these revelations would be too damaging.

When you turn on your charisma full blast, you create a kind of reality distortion field around you. It’s a bit like hypnosis; people can go into an altered state in your presence. And just as a hypnotist must take care when leading people out of a trance, so must you. You’re putting them under the spell of your presence, so help them ease out of the altered state as well.

You’re in the Spotlight and
Held to Higher Standards

Celebrities and CEOs have at least one thing in common: they’re always on display. Whether they know it or not, whether they like it or not, they’re almost always under scrutiny. This is another possible side effect of high-power charisma styles such as authority and visionary.

Business book author Marshall Goldsmith told me that many CEOs worry about the pressure to always be on their best behavior. “For them, it’s always ‘showtime.’ They have to demonstrate charisma even when listening to the most tedious PowerPoint presentation, because everyone in the room is looking at them, as well as (or even more than) at the presenter.”

Because charismatic people seem endowed with extra powers, we expect more of them than we do of others. We expect greater results and will not be content, much less impressed, with good but not extraordinary performance.

If their performance is poor, the criticism can be much more severe than it would be for an “average person.” When asked what becomes of the failed charismatics in the world of business, Harvard professor Rakesh Khurana says: “We do what we’ve always done to our failed messiahs: we crucify them.”

J. R. Wurster, the CEO of a small Los Angeles–based film company, gives off such a laid-back vibe that he’s the last person I’d have expected to feel pressured by the spotlight. And yet when I mentioned this issue, he knew exactly what I meant: “This pressure to always overperform can really burn out charismatic people. We no longer allow ourselves to be human, and no one can live like that.”

The answer? Allow yourself to be human. This means both
accepting
humanity and
showing
your humanity. Which means both accepting vulnerability and (gasp!) showing vulnerability. I know, I know, even just considering this may feel highly uncomfortable. And yet I promise it’s worth it. Hayes Barnard (the charismatic CEO of Paramount Equity) told me that “executives who are very transparent
and vulnerable are very charismatic.” Remember Frank Sinatra and Sam Walton playing up their flaws before facing an audience.

The idea that drawing attention to your vulnerabilities would ultimately enhance your power may seem counterintuitive. But showing vulnerability and humanity makes you more relatable and helps to avoid the feeling of alienation, which is a real risk when your charisma gives you a touch of the superhuman. If Superman didn’t have the foibles of Clark Kent to humanize him, he would be much less likable. It would be impossible to relate to him.

When Michael Jordan moved from basketball to baseball, his popularity remained sky-high despite his pitiful performance. Reporters noted that most people, in fact, related even more personally to Jordan the baseball player, in part because he seemed less superhuman and more like one of them. Jordan himself said that baseball gave him a more humanistic side.

This is equally true in business. We need to be able to relate to our charismatic business leaders. Studies have shown that the perceived similarity between follower and leader is a key element in charismatic leadership, and that showing your vulnerabilities can give others something to relate to, something they feel you share in common.
¹
In addition, as people get accustomed to seeing your human side, you’ll be relieved of some of the expectations of always being “on.”

The conscious decision to show vulnerability was a critical turning point in Bill Clinton’s career. Just five months before the 1992 presidential election, Clinton’s poll ratings were dismal, lagging well behind both George H. W. Bush and Ross Perot. Political commentators were so convinced of his upcoming humiliation in the election that they declared him “irrelevant.” Realizing that voters weren’t feeling a sense of connection with him, Clinton’s advisers suggested a surprising move: rather than try to impress with his strengths, he should try to build rapport with his vulnerabilities.

Clinton’s team launched an all-out vulnerability campaign they code-named “The Manhattan Project,” booking him on talk shows to reveal his troubled childhood and difficult family situations. Despite the Bush team calling this move “weird” and even downright
“wacky,” the Clinton team persevered, and within just
one month
his approval ratings soared from 33 to 77 percent. The rest, of course, is history.

You’ll want to be selective in choosing with whom, how, and in which context to show your humanity. Choose your setting well, and don’t attempt vulnerability for the first time in a high-stakes moment. Instead, practice when the stakes are low.

As with the advanced delving into discomfort exercise, vulnerability can be highly uncomfortable. But you now have all the tools you need to handle this discomfort, and it’s worth doing, because you’ll gain a wonderful skill. You may notice already how very “alive” vulnerability can make you feel. It can also make you feel very connected to others.

If you want to refine your practice of vulnerability, pay attention to the following: it’s not just what you say and what you share but also
how you feel
while you’re sharing. Some people manage to disclose highly personal, intimate, vulnerable information but don’t feel a thing while doing so. It’s as if they keep themselves at a distance from the vulnerability. They lay out the facts as they would a math problem and they keep their hearts well shielded behind a wall.

As your skills increase, try actually feeling a little vulnerability when you share a small disclosure. If you can manage this, your body language will be much more effective. A small dose of vulnerability is all you need to project it successfully, and the self-compassion tools from
Chapter 5
will make the overall experience much easier.

It’s Lonely at the Top

As you are seen increasingly as a “star,” even those who want to like you may find it hard to relate to you. In addition,
you
may feel increasingly separated from them. When people start to put you on a pedestal and to see you as special, different, or superhuman, you might end up feeling isolated.

This, actually, is one of the reasons why CEOs and senior executives frequently reach out to me. They have charisma already, but they need the checks and balances, the trusted advice and honest feedback that they no longer get from others, or at least not as much as they would like. I’ve heard this most often from those whose main charisma style is authority, and to a lesser degree from visionary and focus charismatics.

When you’re charismatic, you feel that you have great power and
influence over people. It’s hard to see them as peers, and it can be lonely to feel that you don’t have peers.

Sometimes It Works When It Shouldn’t

Arthur is a good friend and a true alpha male who broadcasts authority charisma everywhere he goes. In fact, we were originally introduced by a mutual friend who knew I was researching charisma and told me, “You have got to meet this guy.” He was right.