The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism (16 page)

Focus Charisma: Presence and Confidence

Elon Musk, cofounder of PayPal and current CEO of Tesla Motors, embodies focus charisma. As he’ll tell you himself, Musk is very much an introvert. In Tesla’s open office space, his nearly empty desk
is in the far right corner, two huge monitors arranged to create a cocoon, shielding him from the rest of the office.

However, when he emerges from behind the screens, he is fully present and fully focused. You can feel the intensity of his attention, how keenly he listens to and absorbs everything you say. And he doesn’t need to say a word to show you that he understands you: his nonverbal body language makes you feel completely listened to and understood. (You’ll learn the secrets to this kind of listening in
chapter 8
.)

Focus charisma is primarily based on a perception of presence. It gives people the feeling that you are fully present with them, listening to them and absorbing what they say. Focus charisma makes people feel heard, listened to, and understood. Don’t underestimate this kind of charisma; it can be surprisingly powerful.

Focus charisma can be highly effective in business. One executive who has worked closely with Bill Gates told me:

Jack Keeler, former president of IBM, was known as a very charismatic figure who embodied another key component of focus charisma: the ability to communicate respect. Remember that one of the foundations of charisma is making other people feel good about themselves. Keeler knew how to make others feel that their opinions mattered, and that they were important. He truly believed that even the most junior staff could have pearls of wisdom to impart. One executive who worked with him told me: “You’d see him go to plant manufacturers and engineers, and you could see that he held them in
such high regard; he revered them. And in turn, they revered him—they’d light up when he’d walk into the room.”

What people notice:
We assess focus charisma entirely through demeanor. Presence is key: because we can perceive any distracted, inattentive body language, such signals would quickly undermine focus charisma.

Developing Focus Charisma

Focus charisma requires, of course, the ability to focus and be truly present. Good listening skills are nonnegotiable, as is a certain degree of patience. To develop focus charisma, cultivate your ability to be present: make use of the techniques from the “Presence” section in
chapter 2
(get into your toes!). You’ll also need the skills to handle charisma-impairing internal discomfort, so tools such as the responsibility transfer and delving into sensations are worth acquiring.

Once you have it:
Focus charisma is perhaps the easiest form of charisma to access, and can be surprisingly effective, but it comes with two main risks. The first is that if you display too little power you could come across as too eager, and consequently low-status or even subservient. You’ll learn in
chapter 9
how to increase the amount of confidence you broadcast. A less common risk is exhibiting too little warmth, which leads to attention that is too intense. If you become laser-focused, your interaction may start to feel like an interview, or, worse yet, an interrogation. This is where you need to balance focus with warmth and acceptance or genuine respect, and the following two chapters will show you just how to do that. Though it is primarily based on presence, focus charisma still requires a modicum of both confidence and warmth. You can’t discard either dimension entirely.

When to use it:
Focus charisma is appropriate for almost all business situations. It’s particularly useful when you need people to open up and share information. In fact, this is a great charisma style for management consultants or those in other professional services, such as lawyers, accountants, and financial advisers. Focus charisma can also be very helpful in difficult situations, such as negotiations or to defuse hostile conversations. On the other hand, avoid focus
charisma when you need to appear authoritative or during emergencies when you need immediate compliance.

Visionary Charisma: Belief and Confidence

Visionary charisma makes others feel inspired; it makes us
believe
. It can be remarkably effective even though it won’t necessarily make people like you. Steve Jobs was notoriously feared inside Apple and had many detractors both within and without, but even these detractors readily admitted to his being both visionary and charismatic. One recent attendee to a Steve Jobs presentation told me: “He spoke with such conviction, such passion, he had all of our neurons screaming,
Yes! I get it! I’m with you!!!
”

Why is visionary charisma so effective and powerful? Because of our natural discomfort with uncertainty. In a constantly changing world, we crave something solid to cling to. During George W. Bush’s first presidential campaign, polls of his supporters revealed that a key to their attraction to him was “his conviction and certitude in his beliefs.”

Conveying visionary charisma requires the ability to project complete conviction and confidence in a cause. In this way, visionary charisma is based on power. However, it is also based on warmth. Visionary charismatics aren’t necessarily warm people, but they do feel strongly, even passionately, about their vision. And to be truly charismatic, their vision must include a certain amount of nobility and altruism.

One reporter described Steve Jobs as being “driven by a nearly messianic zeal.… Jobs doesn’t sell computers. He sells the promise of a better world.” Visionary charismatics often promise redemption—think Joan of Arc or Martin Luther King Jr. With visionary charisma, you’re selling people on the vision more than on yourself.

What people notice:
We assess visionary charisma primarily through demeanor, which includes body language and behavior. Due to the fact that people tend to accept whatever you project, if you seem inspired, they will assume you have something to be inspired
about. For visionary charisma, appearance matters far less than it does for other charisma styles. You could be wearing rags and still successfully convey visionary charisma.

Developing Visionary Charisma

The message matters for visionary charisma. This means knowing how to craft a bold vision and knowing how to deliver the message charismatically (see
chapter 11
).

One of the keys to communicating your visionary charisma is getting yourself into a state of complete conviction, shedding any doubt. You can use the tools you gained in chapters
3
and
4
, such as rewriting reality, to strengthen your belief, or the responsibility transfer, to free yourself from the effect of uncertainty.

Once you have it:
Visionary charisma can inspire fervent belief and lead monumental change. However, it can also inspire fanatical belief and lead people to disastrous decisions (cult leader Jim Jones persuaded nine hundred people to commit mass suicide).

When to use it:
Visionary charisma is important at times when you need to inspire people. It’s particularly helpful when you want to inspire creativity.

Kindness Charisma: Warmth and Confidence

When you’re a baby, no matter what you do your parents will think you’re perfect just as you are. But after a few months, their acceptance becomes conditional. You now have to eat your carrots and smile at Grandma to earn approval. Seldom will you feel again such complete unconditional acceptance from anyone, with the exception, perhaps, of the first few stages of falling in love.

One of the reasons that the Dalai Lama has such a powerful effect on people is his ability to radiate both tremendous warmth and complete acceptance. People who may have never felt completely, wholeheartedly accepted suddenly feel truly seen and enveloped in acceptance. This is kindness charisma in action.

Kindness charisma is primarily based on warmth. It connects with people’s hearts, and makes them feel welcomed, cherished, embraced, and, most of all, completely accepted.

What people notice:
Like visionary and focus charisma, kindness charisma comes entirely from body language—specifically your face, and even more specifically your eyes.

Developing Kindness Charisma

You, too, can learn how to emanate some of the Dalai Lama magic, though it does require willingness, patience, practice, and the right tools. Start with the mindset: practice accessing warmth with internal tools such as gratitude, goodwill, compassion, and self-compassion from
chapter 5
. You’ll learn in
chapter 9
how to emanate warmth from your face, body language, and demeanor and how to make the right kind of eye contact.

Because kindness charisma is heavily dependent on warmth, it is vital to avoid any body language of tension, criticism, or coldness. The internal tools for dealing with mental or physical discomfort from
chapter 4
can be invaluable here.

Once you have it:
Though kindness charisma is based primarily on warmth, without power you risk coming off as overeager to please. This is where the ability to convey a modicum of power becomes important.

The tools you gained in
chapter 5
—visualization, warming up, and using your body to change your mind—will help you get the right mindset. The following chapters will help you balance warmth and power in your body language.

Kindness charisma has its costs. One of my dear friends radiates such kindness charisma that people become enraptured wherever she goes. From colleagues at the office to cashiers at the supermarket, people feel accepted and cared for as soon as they’re in her presence. This can be lovely, but it can also be a heavy burden for her to carry. She suffers pain and guilt when these people, having become enchanted, feel hurt or resentful when she can’t make room for them in her life. This is one of the downsides of kindness charisma: it can lead
to adulation and, potentially, overattachment. You will gain tools to prevent these side effects in
chapter 13
, on living a charismatic life.

When to use it:
Kindness charisma is perfect anytime you want to create an emotional bond or make people feel safe and comfortable. It can be critical in some situations, such as when you have to deliver bad news (see
chapter 12
). It can also be a surprisingly effective tool when dealing with difficult people (and
chapter 12
will cover that, too). However, just as with focus charisma, you may want to avoid it when you need to appear authoritative or when there’s a risk that people might get
too
comfortable and share too much (thankfully, you have
chapter 13
to help you avoid this).

Authority Charisma: Status and Confidence

This form of charisma is possibly the most powerful one of all. Our instinctive deference to authority can take epic proportions, and, of course, can be equally turned toward good or evil. Colin Powell and the Dalai Lama embody authority charisma, but so did Stalin and Mussolini. The human reaction to authority runs deep; it’s hardwired into our brains.
¹

Those who possess authority charisma are not necessarily
likable
. Michael Jordan, at the height of his career with the Chicago Bulls, told a journalist that he cared much more about being a leader than about being liked. The reporter wrote: “He rankles, sometimes infuriates, his teammates. But he uses his charisma to lift the whole team’s level of play.”

What people notice:
Authority charisma is primarily based on a perception of power: the belief that this person has the power to affect our world. We evaluate someone’s authority charisma through four indicators: body language, appearance, title, and the reactions of others.

We appraise body language first and foremost. Does it emanate confidence in the person’s power to influence others, or to affect the world around them?

Second, we assess appearance. We are biologically programmed to care about status and to be impressed by it because this instinctive
reaction favors our survival: high-status individuals have the power to help or hurt us. To survive, we need to know where in the pecking order we stand. As a consequence, we’re exquisitely fine-tuned to any clues that can help us determine other people’s status.

Clothing is one of our first and strongest clues in evaluating status, thus potential power, and thus authority charisma. We look for signs of expertise (doctors’ white coats) or high authority (military or police uniforms). We pay particular attention to signs of high social status or success, such as expensive clothing. In one experiment conducted in New York City, people tended to follow a jaywalker dressed in an expensive suit sooner than one dressed in more casual clothing.
²

In another experiment, a researcher conducted fake surveys in shopping malls wearing either a designer-logo sweater or a no-logo sweater. When faced with the designer label, 52 percent of people agreed to take the survey, compared with only 13 percent who saw no logo. Expensive logos also affected people’s charitable impulses. Research assistants brought in nearly twice as many donations when their shirts bore a visible designer label than they did when they wore (otherwise identical) no-label shirts.
³

Finally, a person’s title and the way others react to them give us more clues about their authority charisma, though these last two factors carry less weight than the previous two. Instinctively, we understand that someone who has a high title but garners little respect has less real power than someone of lower title who is greatly respected.