The Body Language Rules (26 page)

it was there?

I Partnership props . Of course the biggest prop a leader

can have is the right partner standing by their side

when the cameras are about . There's a yin and

yang thing with partners, and the best ones will be

wheeled out to complement the leader or make up k I LL e R O c c AS I O n S 349

for any deficiencies, hence Hillary suddenly posing

with Bill standing behind her when she visits a

state that's not too Hillary-friendly .

. Modern political wives and partners tend to have

taken on a quasi-sexual role to make their men look

more physically attractive . Key in this movement

was Tony Blair's wife Cherie, whose like we'll

probably never see again . Clinging to her man

like an overexcited limpet, her hugs and glances

of adoration suggested we should all worship at

the altar of Blair, the sexy superhero . Babies have

become very much part of the act too, with even the

crustiest of bachelors being pressured into producing

offspring to emphasize their youth and virility .

Whether your career path leads you toward the White House or in the general direction of corporate IT or accounts, if you intend leading a country or running a reception, you should never forget the power of your nonverbal signals . Jobs can be varied and complex, but getting the body language right is relatively simple . Fix your goal first, then select the attributes that you'll need to achieve it . Square pegs and round holes never go well together, which is why I often wonder why so many people who choose front-line careers seem to have a pathological hatred of other people . But if you do find 350 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

yourself in a job that isn't quite a perfect fit, you can always hone your acting techniques and nobody will ever need to know .

key PoinTs:

� Put planning into your appearance for meetings to discuss a pay

raise or promotion .

� Front-line body language is full of simple but subtle skills--get your

status and submission signals right .

� Pick the right seat at business meetings and be prepared to use

announcement gestures to get your points across .

� Business presentations and selling are all about charisma and

personal impact . Always remember that you are the message and

get your signals right .

� Skip that office romance if you're worried anyone might find

out--they'll read your signals however well you try to mask your

feelings!

� Take cues from world leaders to up your status in the workplace.

� Networking is constant--you're on display at all times. Monitor

your signals and get them to market you at all the key occasions .

readIng

otHer PeoPLe

He wor kPLace

In t d

uring our working lives we become consummate

body language liars. Even if we enjoy our jobs it's highly unlikely that the workplace is where we would like to be each and every moment of each and every day. Some people hate their jobs so much they'd rather be anywhere else. Some just dislike the people they work with or try to appear more efficient and knowledgeable than they really are.

In body language terms, then, business is all about bluff and double-bluff. Which makes reading and analyzing nonverbal signals from your colleagues and clients a bit of a complex issue. Keep in mind the point I made at the start of this book: body language is not a precise science. I'd love to give you direct access to other people's thoughts, but it really doesn't work like that. The most fruitful work you can do is on your own body language signals to get your ideal messages across as clearly as 352 t he B O dy La ng u a ge r u Le s

possible. The second most fruitful thing you can do is to be more aware of the signals of the people you work with. Assess them and use them to read between the lines and gain much better insights into their true thoughts and meanings. But always keep an open mind to other possibilities. Remember what I said about there being no real "tells" or absolutes. Never learn your body language lessons like you learned math at school. Body language is about algebra, but it's called cognitive algebra. There is no formula that says arms folded = aggressive. Or scratched nose = lying. I'd be selling you snake oil if I pretended there was.

Two rules, then:

I Look. Easy? Not really. From about the age of two

you've been told it's rude to stare, so you'll need to

slowly advance your perceptual skills and learn to

start looking again (only without staring).

I evaluate. Start with your gut reaction--how did you

feel about what they said or did? What did they

seem to be signaling to you? Gut reactions are really

part of a very complex perceptual process and you

shouldn't underestimate strong feelings like this.

Then think of body language clusters--take

any one gesture and put it into the context of the

whole body language "sentence," by which I mean

all their other gestures or movements. Attach the r e a d i n g O th e r p e O p Le i n the W O r kpL ace 353

gesture to their words, too. Were they congruent,

incongruent, or overcongruent? Did they agree

with their words or heckle them?

Always remember the Othello Error. However

well you assess someone's body language signals, you

could always be wrong about what prompted them.

Othello is warned via a whispering campaign that

his wife Desdemona is being unfaithful to him. He

questions her, studies her anxious response, judges

this to be a sign of guilt, and kills her. In fact, she was

innocent and her signals were prompted by shock at

being accused. Right symptoms, wrong cause.

By developing your basic skills of perception--and as long as you're not guilty of that form of assumption known as the Othello Error--you could quadruple your ability to understand your colleagues and clients by doing what's called reading between the lines.

To help your evaluations I'm going to give you a list of feelings and symptoms. Like a doctor, you need to read through the symptoms to gain clues to the actual problem, but always keeping an open mind as you do.

hOW tO LOOk fOr signs Of Lying Lying is a very difficult process for the human body, making most of us rather bad liars. First comes the true 354 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

response, which must be suppressed, and the lie response created for the performance . This can cause stress, and guilt prompted by the lie will add to this stress .

It's important to note, though, that not everyone gets stressed when they lie because not everyone feels that sense of guilt . A "good" liar is often someone who lies regularly and/or believes it is right to tell lies . But the following are some ways in which you could catch a liar:

I Their breathing becomes more frequent and shallower . This

can be visible, as you could start to see their chest

begin to heave; or vocal, you can hear breath-

lessness in their voice .

I An adrenalin burst can cause lip licking and dry mouth . Lip

licking can take several forms . The funniest is the

tongue-poke, which is when the tongue emerges

from the middle of the lips, which can be a signal

of rejection or disgust, like a baby rejecting food .

Licking the side of the mouth can mean enjoyment,

though, or even flirting .

I exaggerated swallowing . This is caused by tension in

the neck muscles causing throat restriction . Like

breathing, you might either see this occur or hear

the frequent pauses as they fight to swallow .

I excessive fidgeting . We all fidget, but we're not always

telling lies . Fidgeting can mean the sympathetic

nervous system has kicked in, though, promoting a R e A D I n g O Th e R P e O P Le I n The W O Rk PL Ace 355

desire to fight or flight . Suppressing this desire can

lead to twitchy movements . I Scratching, especially the back of the head . This contact

creates a small feeling of relief and comfort .

I Often eye contact drops at the moment of lie . Liars may feel

that their eyes give away too much information .

This small cutoff signal can show the moment

when the pressure becomes too great . I Too much eye contact that appears performed . Or they might

be aware that looking away appears dishonest and

try to opt for prolonged bouts of staring . 356 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I A longer pause before the lie . Verbal stutters are

common .

I eyes moving up and to the right . This can mean they're

accessing the creative side of their brain .

I mouth touching or covering . This is another cutoff . It can

relate to their child state, when they would have

covered their entire faces or looked away to lie .

I nose touching or covering . This is another signal of

possible facial concealment .

I Blushing . Physiological and impossible to prevent,

although it could be prompted by embarrassment .

I Sweating . See blushing above .

I Distraction gestures--using hands or props to distract from

what they are saying .

I Throat clearing . More neck tension and a desire to

create a "thinking and planning" pause .

I Sitting very still, stiller than usual . This can be the poker-

face ruse, as in "If I don't move at all I'll give

nothing away with my body language ." R e A D I n g O Th e R P e O P Le I n The W O Rk PL Ace 357

I Becoming more expressive, waving hands and being long-

winded . This is the body language version of verbal

diarrhea .

I hand gestures occur after their words . When they speak

the truth their gestures should come first as the

easiest expression of feelings and thoughts .

I exaggerated palm displays . Although some palm display

can look honest and open, too much might be

overcongruent .

I Puffing to release tension .

I Speech disturbances--stammering, repetition, pauses .

hOW TO LOOk FOR SIgnS OF ReJecTIOn OR BeIng DISmISSIVe

I Brushing hand across knee or thigh as though brushing away

crumbs . Those invisible crumbs could be symbolic of

your thoughts or ideas .

I Shrugging . This gesture really does mimic a throwing

off of ideas or situations . If they do this in reply to 358 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

your idea or conversation, it's likely they're casting

it off, but it could apply to their own speech, so

look for the moment of shrug and what's being said

at the time .

I head shaking . This mimics a child rejecting the breast

and is one of the most basic human body language

signals .

I Folding arms and leaning back in chair . Again, check

timing . These barrier gestures can signal rejection .

I Breathing in and looking upward . Eyes can be used to

produce intentional signals--for example, show a

desire to escape or look heavenward for inspiration

or help . This gesture suggests they're digging deep

for inspiration or thought . Not a good sign for

acceptance!

I Pursing lips or sucking lips in . This implies retention of

negative words, thoughts, or feelings .

I Tapping . This metronomic gesture can signal they

want the conversation to end .

I neck-wobble . This is likely to mean aggression is

building .

I hand raised . Often to stop or block speech .

I Turning away when talking . This very basic form of

rejection also could be a sign of shyness, though .

I eye-dart . This can mean mixed feelings, including

panic or a desire to escape . R e A D I n g O Th e R P e O P Le I n The W O Rk PL Ace 359

I Sitting back in chair, looking downward . They could be lost

in thought but they could also be hiding negative

responses .

I carrying on working . This often prompts cognitive

dissonance in the speaker--that is, it's such a big

sign of rejection that we almost think they can't

really be that rude and continue speaking . But they

can be that rude .

I Staring at their screens . This is an intentional gesture that

can imply they'd rather be dealing with anything

more interesting, even their screensavers!

I Fast nodding . A nonverbal interruption .

I hand flapping . Could be a sign of enjoyment but more

likely to signal drowning .

I Looking at watch!

hOW TO SPOT POSSIBLe SIgnS OF STReSS OR AnxIeTy

I Shoulders tense and raised--the stress symptoms include

muscle tension with the most visible being the shoulders .

I excessive self-calm or self-comfort rituals, like self-hug, self-

stroke, or face-touch .

I nail-biting, scratching, lip-biting rituals . Self-attacks can

be a sign of suppressed aggression but will mainly

hint at stress .

I Fiddling . This is normal but can increase with stress .

If you don't know what's normal for this person 360 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

always search for other symptoms to endorse

the diagnosis .

I Tapping . Stressed people can feel the pressure of time

at all times . Tapping can be a metronomic gesture

showing a constant desire to hurry .

I Looking toward the exit . Eye-gaze can register inten-

tions or desires, in this case a desire to escape .

I Barriers like folded arms or drinks or bags held high to chest .

If they look like an auto-contact body-hug, they

could signal stress or anxiety .

I excessive straightening gestures: notes, ties, hair, pens, and so

on . Stress can prompt excessive tidiness or need to

control .

I Pacing . This can be aggressive arousal and/or the

sympathetic nervous system prompt to fight or flight .

I Puffing . This can signal a constant need to release

pent-up tension .

I eye-dart or stammering eye (fast blinking) . Stress releases

adrenalin which can cause accelerated blink rate .

I Licking lips in a darting manner . A similarly produced

response to eye-dart .

I excessive swallowing . Adrenalin dries the throat and

mouth .

I Jerky, dislocated movement . Stress creates dissonance

between the sympathetic and parasympathetic

nervous systems, meaning the desire to fight or flight R e A D I n g O Th e R P e O P Le I n The W O Rk PL Ace 361

is interspersed with a desire to sit still and relax . This

inner conflict can cause dislocated movements .

I nervous laughter or giggling . Not all laughter is prompted

by fun . It can also be a nervous response .

I Shaking hands . Prompted by adrenalin .

I Wide eyes . We widen our eyes in response to shock or

surprise . It's part of our survival system but inappro-

priate long term . Doing it for long periods of time

can signal fear or stress .

hOW TO SPOT cUTOFFS: They'Ve STOPPeD LISTenIng OR geTTIng InVOLVeD

I Long blink . This can be a longer blink than usual or

an eye-shut cutoff to make you go away .

I Looking down . A marginally more polite version of

the above .

I Dropping head . Hiding the face in a childlike belief

that when they look back up you'll have vanished!

I Turning completely away for a moment .

I Pushing chair back from desk or table . Creating distance

might become important for them .

I Stacking paperwork and banging it on the table . A very

obvious and annoying habit to signal a desire to

end the meeting or conversation .

I Body barriers .

I Looking up toward the ceiling . 362 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

hOW TO SPOT SOmeOne IS LISTenIng WITh An OPen mInD

I Increased eye contact . Especially if it increases while

you speak . Normally in business you'd expect to see

an initial performance of eye contact as part of the

listening skills, but the gaze can diminish with time .

If it starts to increase and you're not making them

angry, prompting aggressive arousal, you could be

capturing their attention .

I nodding . Check the nod is in pace with your speech .

If it's in tempo, it's good news . If it's faster, they