The Blame (4 page)

“Where did you go next?” asked Vanessa, munching on a biscuit.

“Nowhere,” smirked her father, “because then she met me.”

“Is that true, mom?”

“Yes, it is,” she smiled.

“She fell madly in love with me,” continued David, “and didn’t want to be apart from me ever again. Also, she knew that no one else would have her.”

“Ha, ha. What you mean is that
I
took pity on
you
!”

“When can we go to South Africa on holiday again?”

“I don’t know,
querida,
” replied her father. “Money is tight at the moment. We’ll have to wait and see. But at least it seems that the weather is finally improving. We’ll have to check the weather forecast to see if it’s going to last.”

“Yes, this is more like it. I really feel that the weather affects my mood.”

“Is that why you’re always so grouchy lately?” David inquired.

“
I’m
grouchy? Well, maybe it’s because I’m tired of talking to brick walls and always having to sort things out myself,” she snapped.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he demanded. Then, not wanting to argue in front of Vanessa, he changed the subject. “Never mind. Just pass me the juice,” he said curtly.

Sensing the tension in the air, Vanessa jumped to her feet. “Can we go now? I want to watch TV.”

“
Sim, querida.
Let’s just pack this up. Don’t forget to bring your bag of pine cones,” her father answered, getting to his feet.

Riding the quad bike slowly back to the house, Laura admitted to herself that perhaps she’d been a little brusque with David. She often was lately; she knew it but she couldn’t help herself. It was just that after months and months of either being ignored or being blasted for everything she said, the resentment had built up. And sometimes it overflowed.

Surprisingly, he’d actually been in a good mood all weekend, chatty and playful like in the old days. Well, she was going to try and keep it going. There was no point in sulking about their earlier tiff. Back at the garage, she dismounted and helped Vanessa remove her helmet while David parked the Bobcat back in the wide driveway.

“Why don’t we all go and feed this leftover bread to the fish?” she suggested.

“Good idea.
Vamos, pai,
” called Vanessa, taking her dad by the hand. They walked westwards across the courtyard and onto a flagstone path that wound its way among flowerbeds and shrubs. The fresh scent of mint and creeping thyme filled their nostrils as they trampled the herbs that Laura had purposely planted between the flagstones. Up ahead the path forked left and right. A right turn would take them to the dog run and the left fork led to a secluded water garden.

Laura’s zen garden—a place to relax and unwind. A jasmine covered pergola sheltered a teak bench that overlooked the koi pond. A tall bamboo screen added a touch of privacy and tranquillity.

Vanessa knelt down by the pond and held out her hand causing a flurry of bright orange. Gaping mouths broke the water surface through the parrot feather and salvinia plants. “
Olha, pai.
Look how big they’re getting.”

“
Sim
, I’m not surprised,” her father answered. “The way you feed them.”

“But it’s such fun to watch them eat. I wish they’d let me touch them,” she said, plunging her hand into the water.

“No much chance of that,” David laughed. “Is the water still cold?”

“No, it’s lovely. Well, perhaps just a little. Mom, when can we start using the pool?”

“Oh, not till May at the very earliest. And even then only if we have a decent spring.”

“Come on. Let’s go and check the pool water.”

“OK,” her mother answered. “We can check if there are any frogs that need fishing out.”

They retraced their steps and made their way to the swimming pool. Even though the sunshine made the water sparkle, it certainly did not look inviting enough for a swim yet. Not till it had warmed up another ten degrees.

Vanessa, however, was not of this opinion. She rolled up her jeans and, kicking off her boots, jumped down onto the first step.

“Vanessa!” David shouted. “Are you mad? Get out of there before you get sick.”

“Oh, David, let her be. It’s just her feet. She’ll be fine.”

“You know how easily she gets bronchitis and she’s already got a runny nose as it is.”

“Yes, but we can’t wrap her in cotton wool,” Laura protested. “We’ve got to let her do what kids will do.”

“That’s all very well, but always having to take antibiotics for her chest infections can’t be good for her.”

“I agree, but what can we do? Getting fresh air and running around is also important. Anyway,” said Laura changing the subject, “look at the lawn. It’s looking nicer on this side of the house. Must be because it gets more sun in winter and less frost.”

“Yes, maybe. But the main reason is that the dogs don’t run around here as much as they do up front. Talking of which, here they come,” he frowned.

Damn. I hope they don’t pee on the grass, right here in front of him
, Laura thought fervently. He always went nuts when he saw the telltale yellow spots on the lawn. Seeing the dogs, Vanessa abandoned her paddling in the pool and started chasing them round in circles.

“Careful, Vanessa! They’re going to knock you into the pool,” Laura called out as the mad dashing about picked up speed.

“No, they won’t. They never have,” she shouted back.

The Estrelas were engaging in their favourite pastime which bore witness to their innate ability to fight off wolves. Lola chased Bruna, grabbed her by the throat and flipped her onto her back. Her deep growling and snarling sounded like distant thunder, enough to make the hairs on the back of one’s neck stand on end. If one didn’t know how docile they really were, that is. Mia played the same game with Tara. But as the latter was small enough to fit under her belly, she obligingly lay down on the grass, offering her neck to the smaller dog who seemed thrilled to have got the better of the pack leader.

Vanessa loved this rough-housing and joined in the chase and flip game. The big dogs immediately adjusted their play, clearly aware that she was more fragile than they.  And so it had been since she was born. Not once had they hurt her, not even by accident.

“They’re quite a sight, aren’t they? So powerful, yet so trustworthy with children.”

“Yes, it’s amazing,” replied Laura. “I always feel moved when I think about that time Vanessa was playing with that little boy from her school. I told you about it, didn’t I?”

“You mean the time they were playing with the beach ball bats?”

“Yes, he was pretending to hit her with his bat and she was shrieking her head off. Bruna immediately came running and stood between them. You should have heard her growling at the kid in warning. She certainly gave him a helluva scare even though she didn’t touch him.”

“Thank God she had the good sense not to attack him.”

“Yes, she’s a smart dog, all right. So protective even without having been trained. And to tell you the truth, David, with violent crime on the rise, I wouldn’t feel comfortable living here without them.”

“Oh, come on, Laura. Nobody’s going to bother us here in the middle of nowhere.”

“Jesus, David. Don’t you watch the news? Even old people are being beaten up in their rural homes for a few measly Euros.”

“That’s why we have a police force.”

“Yeah, right. Take our municipality, for instance. How many 4x4 vehicles do they have to patrol the rural areas? One? Two? And we’re talking about 400 km
2.
”

“That’s true enough,” David conceded. “And whenever they’re dispatched to a scene of a crime they always seem to say that there’s nothing they can do, that they don’t have the means.”

“It’s certainly not like
CSI
,” Laura snorted. “Remember when the Silvas reported that attempted home invasion? It took the National Republican Guard forty minutes to get there and then they didn’t even go in. The officer just told them to file a report the next morning.”

“I know. It’s crazy. Why the GNR isn’t equipped to lift fingerprints is beyond me. It’s not as though the Judicial Police are going to come running every time a crime is committed.”

“Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if none of them came running,” Laura said wryly. “Everyone complains that the cops don’t do anything, but when they are forced to take action, there is media uproar about police brutality, excessive force...”

“I agree with you there. When a cop or a homemaker is killed, the media report it as just another unfortunate statistic.”

“Yeah, from the safety and comfort of their offices. But heaven forbid that a victim of crime should injure or kill an assailant. The concept of self-defence doesn’t seem to exist in this country. Another politically correct idea imported from England. Why is it that offenders seem to have more rights than victims?” Laura demanded.

“The lawmakers and the media have bent over backwards to be politically correct. The problem is they have bent over too far backwards—at the expense of the law abiding citizens,” said David dryly.

“Yeah, what can you do,” Laura sighed. “Come on, Vanessa. Let’s go inside. It’s getting cold.”

“Come on, princess. Time for bed.”

“What! But I’m not even tired yet,” Vanessa protested.

“It’s already half past nine, way past your bedtime. Say goodnight to daddy.”

“Aw, mom.”

“No, no arguments. Here, give me a hug,” said David as he kissed her goodnight. “Sweet dreams.”

“Goodnight,
pai
. I love you.”

“I love you, too,
querida
.”

“David, you going to make some tea?”

“Earl Grey and biscuits?”

“Yep. As usual.”

“Will you tell me a story, mom?”

“No, not tonight. It’s late. But I will carry you to the bathroom because you’re my little baby girl.”

Laura crouched down and Vanessa leapt up into her arms, hugging her mother tightly as Laura settled her on her hip.

“Agh. Not so tight round my neck. You’re choking me, I can’t breathe. Boy, you must be getting big and fat. I can hardly carry you anymore,” she joked.

“No, I’m not,” Vanessa giggled. “Look,” she said as she stretched out a long, slim leg.

“No, of course you’re not. You’re my little gazelle, that’s what you are.”

Bathroom routine out of the way, Vanessa snuggled up under her duvet while Laura lay on the oversized beanbag next to her bed, holding her hand as was their custom.

“Mommy, what do you think will happen if it doesn’t warm up before the swallows...”

“Shh,” Laura interrupted, “not now. It’s time to sleep. Go on, close your eyes,” her mother said as she stroked her long silky hair. It was a shade darker than Laura’s, but she had the same green eyes as her mother.

She looked tenderly at her daughter as she drifted off to sleep.  Sometimes she simply felt overwhelmed with love for her when she saw her lying there, so small and defenceless. She desperately wanted her daughter to have a happy childhood. To grow up confident and carefree, secure in the knowledge that she was loved and that her parents would always stand by her, no matter what.

This fierce desire undoubtedly stemmed from her own stressful childhood. It was remarkable that she couldn’t recollect any happy family occasions, not one single birthday or Christmas that they had shared together happily. On the other hand, the long nights she’d lain awake in bed waiting for the dreaded arguments to start were still vivid in her mind. Being an only child, she’d had no one to turn to, no one to comfort her.

So it was at school that she’d felt happiest. There, besides being an “A” student, she’d had the unconditional support of her friends. Not many friends, but good friends.

All this baggage just made her even more concerned about her relationship with David. The last thing she wanted to do was to bring Vanessa up in a turbulent household. Her parents certainly hadn’t done her any favours by staying together... 

“Oh, come on, Laura. Not another one. Two back-to back episodes of
Criminal Minds
is enough. I’m starting to get tired of the show.”

“Why? You’ve always liked it.”

“Yes, but this season it’s a bit too sadistic for my liking. And it’s rather predictable.”

“Yes, maybe. But my main gripe is that Shemar Moore doesn’t get to take off his shirt often enough.”

“Jeez, will you listen to yourself?” said David in mock disgust.

“What?” Laura asked innocently. “I’m just .... Oh, my God! What was that noise?”

She jumped to her feet and sent the tin of biscuits flying.

“It’s Vanessa,” said David, his facing turning pale.

They rushed to her room and found her sitting up in bed, wild-eyed and struggling to breathe. An icy fist wrapped itself round Laura’s heart at the sound of Vanessa’s laboured breathing. She knelt down and put her arms around her daughter.  “Vanessa, what’s wrong, baby?” Her voice trembled as she struggled to remain calm.

“Shh, don’t cry. It’s all right,” said David trying to calm his daughter down, as much as himself.

But the frightful wheezing and barking cough just got worse the more agitated Vanessa became. “David, we’d better get her to the ER. It’s after midnight—the clinic will be closed by now.”

Laura could feel her teeth chattering with nerves.

“Yes, all right. I’ll carry her to the car,” said David scooping her up and wrapping her in her duvet. “Get the keys. And don’t forget her NHS card.”

Laura ran on ahead, grabbed her handbag and opened the front door. They quickly crossed the courtyard to the garage.

“Come on, come on,” said David sharply as Vanessa’s laboured breathing made her chest heave.  “Open the door. It’s cold out here.”

“I can’t find the remote control,” said Laura scrambling in her handbag.

“Oh, for God’s sake. Do you want her to catch pneumonia out here?”

“OK, OK. I’ve found it!”

Her voice was becoming shrill.  Fumbling with the garage door remote control and the car keys, she dropped them on the ground. Vanessa’s raspy breath and David’s muted curse stretched her already taut nerves.

The garage door took a lifetime to open. Laura  ducked down under it, fired up the car engine and backed out as soon as she could. Then she jumped into the backseat and David settled Vanessa on her lap.

She laid her hand against her daughter’s forehead, expecting it to be burning up. Oddly enough, it wasn’t.

“Hey, princess. Are you feeling better?” she asked, realising that the frightful cough was actually easing up.

Vanessa nodded, much calmer now and starting to look sleepy.

In the short time that it took to get to the ER, Vanessa’s breathing had practically normalized, making Laura feel rather foolish when she described what had happened to the triage nurse.

***

A couple of hours later, they were on their way back home, Vanessa sound asleep in her booster seat. 

“Oh, I feel really drained.” Laura leaned her head against the headrest and closed her eyes. “But thank God it wasn’t as serious as it looked. Anyway, I’m going to follow the doctor’s advice and take her to a paediatric allergist-immunologist.” 

She glanced at David who drove on in silence.

“Maybe we should also get her one of those nebulizers like they have at the hospital. But then again, seeing as the cold air actually reduces the swelling in the air passages, maybe it’s not necessary. What do you think?”

“What I think is that none of this would have happened if you’d listened to me. But, no. You must always have your own way. You always know best.” His voice was bitter.

“What? What the hell are you talking about?”

“The pool, of course! Didn’t I tell you that she’d get sick? Playing in that cold water like that.”

She stared at him in disbelief. “You’re blaming me again! Every time she gets sick it’s because of something I did or didn’t do.”

“Yes, sure. Play the victim. And keep your voice down.”

“I can’t believe it!  It’s pathological, this need of yours to blame someone for everything that happens. When will you get it into your head that some things are beyond our control? No matter what you do, things will still go wrong sometimes. Like they say: shit happens.”

“Especially when you give it a helping hand.”

“Jesus, this is unbelievable! It’s always my fault, is it? Like that time in Paris? Forgetting that you’d locked your wallet in the safe and then blaming me for losing it.”

“Christ! How many more times are you going to throw that in my face? I’ve already apologized. What more do you want from me?”

“What I want is for you to react differently. To stop blaming me all the time. Why can’t you just say ´ Shit! What we gonna do now´ instead of throwing a tantrum?”

“It’s becoming impossible to live with you. Maybe I should just do what the guys at work do— take up golf to get out of the house.”

“Don´t let me stop you. In fact, you’re free to move out any time you want. Don’t think you’re doing
me
any favours.”

They drove the rest of the way home in silence after that. Laura felt the muscles on her shoulders bunching up painfully. They always did in moments of great stress.