The Blame (10 page)

Laura awoke with a start.
Oh my God, I must have dozed off
, she thought. She was lying in the crook of Hugo’s arm. He, by the looks of things, had dropped off, too. She wondered what the time was and reached for her cell phone which was on the bedside table. Five o’clock! She would have to call
Dona
Maria and ask her to stay on a bit longer.

She tapped the screen a couple of times. 

“
Estou
?”

“Dona
Maria, I’m terribly sorry but I’ve been held up at work. Do you think you could wait till I get there in about an hour’s time?”

“
Sim, claro
. Don’t worry, I can wait.”

“Thank you. Did Vanessa get home all right?”

“Yes, she’s fine. She’s watching TV.”

“OK, then. See you in a bit.”

              She felt Hugo’s hand on her arm. “Babe, what’s wrong?”

“It’s late, Hugo. I have to get home.”

“Come here a minute,” he murmured, pulling her down onto him. He held her hair back off her face and kissed her. “This is where you belong. I don’t want to let you go.”

“You know that’s not possible, Hugo.” She kissed him lightly and extricated herself from his embrace. “I’m going to have a quick shower,” she called over her shoulder as she headed for the bathroom, conscious of her nakedness and wishing she had a bathrobe to slip into.

Laura pulled on a complimentary shower cap; she wouldn’t have time to blow dry her hair and she couldn’t exactly arrive home with damp hair.  As she stood under the blast of hot water, she realized that she felt oddly deflated
. I have to get out of here
, she thought.
I need to think. This is not what I thought it would be
.

She stepped out of the shower cubicle and was startled to find Hugo standing there, holding out an oversized bath towel for her. He wrapped it round her shoulders and embraced her from behind. He rocked her gently in his arms as he kissed the top of her head.

“Let me just have a shower too and then we’ll go.”

“No, Hugo. That’s not necessary. I’ll take a taxi, it’ll be quicker. Besides, I’d rather no one saw us arriving together back at the office...”

He frowned. Clearly this was not the aftermath he had expected. Laura could see the confusion and disappointment in his face but it couldn’t be helped. She had to get out of there. Fast.

“Well, all right, then. If that’s what you want...” his voice trailed off.

She didn’t fill the silence that ensued and so he tried again.

“Right, so I’ll see you on Monday.”

She stood up on tiptoe and kissed him briefly on the lips. “Yes, see you Monday.”

Clasping the towel tightly around her, she walked out of the bathroom and closed the door firmly behind her. She walked round the bed and picked up her clothing off the carpeted floor. She donned the items, grateful that she’d worn jeans and didn’t have to grapple with tights. Dressing in record time, she checked her face in the mirror, ruffled her hair with her hands and applied a quick coat of lipstick. Then she slipped her cell phone into her pocket and hesitated outside the bathroom door. Should she go in? She could hear the water running and decided against it. She let herself quietly out of the room and headed for the lifts.

She hailed a taxi outside the hotel and flopped back into the seat, eyes closed. Hugo would undoubtedly be puzzled by her hasty exit. Hell, even she was! What was wrong with her? Why wasn't she glowing with happiness and excitement? Why was she feeling.... go on, admit it ...feeling trapped? And cheated. Before she could analyse her feelings further, the taxi pulled up outside the Delta offices and she quickly made her way down to her car without running into anyone she knew.

As she sped home along the motorway, she once again tried to work out how she felt about the afternoon's events. Certainly not the way she had expected. Damn it! Why did Hugo have to go and ruin everything? It wasn't fair. She had finally thrown caution to the wind in exchange for a session of passionate, exhilarating illicit sex and what had she received in turn? A tender declaration of undying love, which strangely enough had only served to make her ache for David.

Damn, this was confusing. Sleeping with Hugo was supposed to have made her forget her husband, not long for him!

Hugo had been sweet and gentle and generous in his love-making, not what she had wanted at all. She’d expected that tearing-off-of-clothes-and-sex-up-against-the-wall thing that people did in movies. She’d expected to feel liberated, to be able to flip David the finger the next time he got mad at her, safe in the knowledge that a hot session with her secret lover would make it all better.

And if she'd been confused about whether or not she was in love with Hugo, it was all clear to her now. She enjoyed talking to him, sharing thoughts she knew he'd understand, and she loved the thrill of the sexual tension between them, but that was it. It wasn't love and no matter how sticky things got between her and David, this wasn't the answer she was looking for.

If anything, it’d just proved to her she still loved her husband, no matter what. He was the one she wanted to be with. So she’d just have to find a way to make things work, providing her marriage was still salvageable.  Did David still love her? She thought he did. So how had things come to this?

Frustration coursed through her.

What to do next? What was she going to say to Hugo on Monday? How was she going to break it off when it had barely started?

***

Laura thought the coil in her stomach couldn’t possibly be any tighter, yet it ratcheted up a notch when David inserted his key in the front door.

They eyed each other carefully, like gladiators sizing each other up before the first onslaught. They cheek kissed, keeping their bodies as far apart as possible. Vanessa ran up to her dad and leapt up into his arms.

“Daddy!”

“
Querida
!” David hugged and kissed Vanessa, watching Laura over his daughter’s head.

“Let’s eat, dad. I’m starving!”

“Okay, but let me just take off my jacket first,” replied David, loosening his tie.

Laura led the way to the kitchen, thinking so far so good: he wasn’t overtly angry.

But he would be if he knew you’d spent the afternoon fucking another guy. He’d go ballistic
.

Shit! What had she done? And what killed her was the fact that it hadn’t even been worth it. Not really. Had he ever cheated on her, she wondered. She half hoped so, that would even up the score and lessen her guilt. And if he hadn’t, perhaps one day he would. Didn’t most men cheat on their wives? She was pretty sure they did; she remembered reading about it in a magazine at the dentist’s. Or was it the hairdresser’s? Whatever, this afternoon served as an insurance policy, she rationalized. A standby
take that
! which she could whip out of her armoury should it ever be necessary.

When she put it like that, the situation didn’t seem quite so bad; it sounded rather sensible in fact.

They worked their way through dinner, chatting politely, but stiffly, the way strangers do when they are thrown together against their will, until Vanessa excused herself from the table to go and watch TV.

The level of tension crept up an inch or two.

David swallowed his last chunk of goat cheese and washed it down with a slug of wine.

"So you’re wrapping things up at Delta next week," he said in that tone of voice people use when they’re trying hard to be pleasant.

One thing she could say for David—he wasn’t one to bear a grudge. He was invariably the one that rebuilt the bridges after their fights. She was more prone to sulking.

“Yes, Monday’s the last day,” she answered, not quite able to meet his gaze. He’d probably think she was subdued because she was still miffed, but rather that than the truth.

"And have you achieved your objectives?"

"Yes, I have, but the problem is there aren't any new contracts on the horizon," replied Laura as she sipped her coffee.

"Never mind. You've been working really hard for months so you deserve a bit of a break.”

“I don’t know if we can afford it, though.”

“We’ll manage, don’t worry. Anyway, something will come up soon—it always does.”

She took another sip. “I hope you’re right.”

“Laura, I’m sorry about last night. I hate to see you looking so miserable.”

Tears immediately sprang to her eyes.

“I’m sorry too, David,” she said, apologizing for more than he realized.

He took her hand across the table.

“Don’t cry, Laura. I hate it when we fight.”

She nodded and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands.

“Are you all right?” he asked gently.

"Just tired, I guess. I think I'll turn in early tonight."

She stood up and started to clear the table, and David followed suit. She stacked the last of the plates in the dishwasher and glanced at the digital clock on the oven.

"Vanessa! Time for bed."

A wail of protest emanated from the sitting room. "But mom, I haven't even finished watching this program!" Vanessa yelled in a combative tone.

Laura entered the sitting room and looked at the television screen.

"Are you kidding me? This is a rerun. Even I've already seen it, Vanessa!"

"Yes, but I haven't finished watching it
tonight
." Vanessa was wearing the expression she reserved for when her mother was being particularly obtuse.

"Well, that's just tough, young lady. I'm tired and I want to go to bed."

“But you haven’t even played with me yet because you arrived home so late!” she whined.

“Oh, I thought you were picking her up from school today, Laura. Did she come home on the bus, then?” asked David, surprised.

“Yes, that was the initial plan but then something came up and I couldn’t get away in time to pick her up. Come on, Vanessa, let’s go!”

“But it’s Friday and I always stay up late on Fridays. There’s no school tomorrow!”

"Why don't you turn in and I'll put Vanessa to bed in a little while?"

"Would you? That's great. Thank you, David." She scooped Vanessa up in her arms and kissed her.

"Don't stay up too late, you two." She rested her hand briefly on David's arm as she brushed past him.

He stared pensively after her as she walked upstairs. Something was off. But he wanted everything to be fine, to be more than just fine. So he squashed the feeling, brutally, viciously until it had totally disappeared.

Laura felt mentally and physically drained, as if she were single-handedly responsible for dealing with some catastrophic event, like steering refugees through a minefield. Or brokering peace between two perpetually warring factions. Or reconciling with her husband while her new (and now unwanted) lover kept texting her all weekend long, despite her protestations.

Now that it was Monday morning she’d be seeing him and would have to put an end to this affair before things really got out of hand. He’d called her just as she’d turned into the underground parking garage, but as there was no reception down there the call had been cut off before they could say much.

As she rode up in the lift, she felt her stomach tighten and her shoulders tense up. Just as well it was the last day of the contract, otherwise things would be tricky indeed. Fortunately others would be present at the meeting too, so that would buy her some time till she had to talk to him alone.

When she reached the conference room, she saw that Sandra and the heads of department were already there. Good. That would avoid any personal stuff for a while.

Greetings out the way, they got down to business, and for the next two hours Laura put all thoughts of Hugo and David out of her mind.

Sandra air kissed Laura as the others filed out of the room.

“It was great working with you, Laura. I look forward to the next time.”

“Thank you, Sandra, for all your support. And if you need anything else, please know I’m at your disposal.”

Sandra squeezed her hand and left the room, leaving her alone with Hugo. He waited till Sandra’s footsteps had faded and then he shut the door quietly.

Two brisk strides and he had her in a crushing embrace, his hands roving over her body, his lips hot on her neck.

Despite her best intentions, Laura felt her body respond—her core was turning to molten lava.

“No, Hugo,” she pushed him gently away. “not here.”

“Okay, then let’s go to my hotel,” he said hoarsely, his desire evident.

“No, Hugo, we have to talk.”

“Yes, of course we do. We can talk there.”

Laura took a step back. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Hugo frowned. “Laura, what’s wrong?”

“Hugo, I can’t do this. It’s too complicated and..”

“No, Laura, it’s very simple. I love you and I want you,” he interrupted her. “We can do this; it’s not as difficult as it may seem now.”

“That’s easy for you to say; your children are all grown up, they don’t need you like my daughter needs me.”

“Laura, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We can take it nice and slow, one day at a time.”

“Yes, I need some time, Hugo, but away from you.”

“What do you mean away from me? Laura, I’m not letting you go now,” he said, taking her hand. “I’ll give you time, of course I will, but we’ll think this thing through together. I’ll stand by you, you know that.”

She snatched her hand away. “I know, Hugo, you’re a wonderful man, but this is putting an unbearable strain on me and on my marriage.”

“So leave him, Laura. I’m here for you.”

“I can’t, Hugo. It’s not that simple.” Her voice was starting to rise and she made a conscious effort to speak softly in case someone overheard them.  “I can’t just throw my marriage away like that.”

“You can, Laura, if you love me, you can,” he said softly. “After all, I did.”

“Oh, Hugo, I’m so sorry, but…”

“Shh,” he placed a finger on her lips. “Don’t say anything now. I’ll give you some space, some time to think, but I’ll be right here waiting for you, okay?”

She nodded mutely, her eyes moist.

Hugo placed a soft, gentle kiss on her lips, opened the door and left the room.

***

For the next two weeks Laura and David limped their way along till they reached a state of normalcy. The first few days had been excruciating; both wanted to make their marriage work and had gone out of their way to be courteous, to show the other just how reasonable they really were. Like two political opponents at a debate where neither wanted to be accused of derailing the discussion.

All the while Laura was having to fend off calls and emails from Hugo, who demanded to see her. Her resolution to end things with Hugo hadn’t wavered, and she’d told him so. However, he hadn’t taken it well. He had begged and pleaded with her to give him a chance to show her how it could be for them.

In the end, he had threatened to call on her at home if she didn’t go to him. Angry, but afraid he would do as he said, she’d promised to arrange a meeting with him soon. But she knew that wouldn’t appease him for long.