The Beats in Rift (8 page)

“Did I just take your virginity hard against a wall?” His voice breaks, the torment sparks in his eyes. I yank my arm free and walk away. I reach for the ice melting in the bag from the counter and make my way up to Justin.

He’s sleeping. Wrapping the ice in a towel, I hold it over his eye and he stirs, smiling up at me. “Hey, Meds. I’m so sorry. I should have told you so you weren’t blindsided like that, but he isn’t staying and neither are we. He’s not the same person who left.” Panic fills his voice; he’s trying to convince me but he doesn’t need to. I already know he’s not my Rift, and now I’m left to deal with the guilt crawling in my skin like poison polluting my damaged soul. “Why didn’t you tell me about Josie?” A sob tears from his chest and breaks my heart further “I only found out last night, it didn’t seem real. I don’t know what I’m meant to feel.” Bringing his hand up to cover his face so I can’t see his tears he sobs. Tears burst from my eyes without permission, his pain coating me in its grief. I lay with him and we cry until we fall asleep.

Guilt, it can be just as painful as sorrow,

It can eat away at you like death

It can taint memories, taint your heart, and taint your soul

Play with your mind making the person that is you harder to find

Making you unable to give, unable to live

Heartbreak is worse than death, it cripples the soul

Tortures your being, questions your beliefs

Changes the way you think, act, or breathe

It introduces you to the darkness in the world

The darkness buried in you

It prevents reasoning, prevents you being you,

Making you unable to give, unable to live

Love can bring warmth to the body, light to the soul, a beat to the heart

Love can bring you light in the darkness

Peace to your mind, reasoning to your troubles

A sleeve to your tears

It can be the sun in the winter, the thaw in the ice, turn bad to nice

If you let yourself breathe, feel. Give… live

Who are you to me? What will it be?

“WHAT ARE YOU reading?” Jared asks me.

I hand him the brown leather pad. “It’s Meadow’s. She’s writing again.”

“What do you mean again?”

I pin him with a glare. “She stopped writing when you left. She stopped playing.”

Sorrowful emotions dance across his face but I’m too mad at him to care if he’s hurting right now. When Dad told me he called, and that our Mom had died, my emotions were jumbled. I was happy Jared was alive and well, and sad that he’d waited for bad news before getting in contact. I felt grief for my Mom, an ache from memories of my childhood that assaulted me and replayed all the happy moments we had as a family every time my mind would repeat the words
she’s dead
. She was never coming back. We were never close and she didn’t even look my way when she left but I loved her. It’s a weird feeling that I can’t quite get a handle on. I seem to jump from one emotion to the next like a yo yo. And then sitting there in the shadow of my mind I had the fear Jared was back and I couldn’t keep him from Meadow.

I know she loves me and she’s angry with Jared but I also know how intense their love was. That’s what I struggled with the most when he left. Not how he could so easily leave me, even though we shared everything, but how he could leave Meadow. The sun rose and set with her where he was concerned. I could never leave her and I’m terrified he will take her from me.

“I had my reasons for leaving,” I hear him mutter.

Ignoring him I stand when the shower turns off. I grab the book from him and place it back on top of Meadow’s bag.

It’s been seven days since Jared came home and to say things have been strained would be an understatement. Jared wasn’t meant to stick around after Mom was buried but he told me he’s hanging around for a few more days. I won’t leave Meadow’s side. I know I’m being needy, insecure and blatantly obvious but I just can’t shake the fear of her leaving me. Jared is to blame for my anxiety; he made me this weak person when he left with Mom. It changed me, made me realize that at any given time your life can change, and people you love leave.

“Hey.” Meadow pulls me from my thoughts. She’s standing in her workout gear, her hair pulled tight into a ponytail. She’s dropped weight this week, and I can already see the change in her body.

“I know I just showered but I think I’m going to hit the gym for a while. I need to get rid of some energy before I can go to sleep.” A smile tilts her lips but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

“I’ll take you, I’m heading that way,” Jared offers.

“No, I’ll take her,” I interject.

Her sad eyes drift between us. “I’m actually going to jog there.”

“That’s dangerous. It’s late, Beats. I’ll jog with you.”

My stomach is in knots. “I’ll jog with her,” I all but growl at him.

“Guys, seriously. I’ll be fine.” She turns on her heel and leaves the room.

“What the fuck is your problem, Justin? You can’t stop me from spending time with her.”

The fear creeps in, wrapping its hands around my throat. “I won’t let you take her from me. You left her, left
us
. I love her. I can’t let you take her from me.”

I feel the heat from his body on the back of me. He’s breathing heavy near my ear.

“You sound like a psycho, Justin. Stop being such a fucking pussy.”

His words cut deep because I feel like a freak but it was him who made me this way.

“Fuck you, Jared.”

I hurry out of the room and down the stairs. Meadow is just opening the front door. “Meds, wait. I’ll come with you. I don’t want you jogging in the dark on your own.”

She turns to me with a smile. “You’re overprotective, But okay.”

Relief settles inside me. She’s still mine, and now it’s just about waiting for Jared’s departure.

A WHOLE SEVEN more days have passed and things haven’t got any better. We put off moving early to start our college life until things are more settled. Jared and I have constantly been at each other’s throats. Dad stayed away which gave Meadow one less thing to worry about; she still worries about what he thinks of her, and even though he tried to talk me into dumping her when we first got together, he hasn’t brought her up since. He seems to accept us and never makes me feel awkward having her here.

I just wish she would come around and make more effort with him. Apart from Uncle Drew, my Dad is my only family that’s stays around and he means the world to me. He has always supported me and encouraged my football, and I plan on putting a ring on Meadow’s finger so they will have to learn to get along.

“Hey, I’m back,” I call out. I had a leaving dinner with the coach and the guys on the team. I left early because I didn’t want to leave Meadow here with Jared, that’s how insecure I’ve let myself become. It angers me that I’m being weak and un-trusting of Meadow; she has given me no reason to worry, but I do anyway.

I hear voices coming from upstairs so I mount them two at a time and enter my room. Meadow is standing in the bathroom doorway, my Dad is a few feet in front of her, and she’s crying and covering her bare chest.

“What the fuck’s going on?”

Her body is shaking. I go to her, and she clings to me, gripping my t-shirt so hard her nails scrap the skin underneath.

“What the fuck happened?” I bellow to my Father.

“I caught her with your brother, throwing herself all over him. He bailed when I told him I would tell you.”

My worst fear just spilled from my Father’s lips.

“No, no,” Meadow whimpers next to me. I turn to her, slipping my shirt off and over her.

“Where is Jared, Med?” fear, pain,
guilt
fill her eyes. My heart drains of blood. She’s shaking her head. “He did leave bu…”

I push her back. I feel sick, and the room feels too small, the walls closing in on me.

“She’s been playing you both for years, Justin. She’s just like her mother.”

His words slice at me like a knife.

“It didn’t… it wasn’t… Your Dad, he hates me, he did this,” she stutters.

My anger flares, erupting from the pent up anxiety of the past weeks. “Don’t try to blame him, Meadow. Have you been fucking around with my brother after everything? After he left you and I had to pick up the pieces? I should have listened to him and left you where you belonged, with your mother.”

Her body quakes as tears stain her cheeks. I feel like I’m dying. She reaches for me but I step back.

“Get out!”

Her sobs torch the air, thickening the inferno flaring out of control inside me. She rushes from the room and I hear the front door slam behind her. Disintegrating my heart.

I AVOIDED ANY interaction with Jared. It was difficult because he was determined to talk to me. He stared at me over dinner, making it impossible to eat. He watched every move I made and so did Justin; it was so hard to be around them both. Can you love two people at once? Can you need love from two people? Can you ever move on from your first love?

The more time Jared spent at the house, the more Rift I could see in him. He was still passionate, funny, intense, dedicated to music. But he was also different. He was tougher, he had a harder edge then he used to. He seemed way older than his years, like he had grown up much sooner than the rest of us. He had life experience. I so wanted to know where he had been. What he had been doing all this time. But I was too afraid to speak to him in front of Justin.

It’s been two weeks since Jared got back and tonight is the first time we’ve been alone.

He wastes no time cornering me in Justin’s room.

“You can’t avoid me forever, Beats. I’m not leaving until we have this talk.”

He’s so close I can smell his body wash. God, he smells good. Memories of us flood my mind and I look over to the wall where he took me. He follows my gaze and steps closer. “What are you thinking about, Beats?”

His voice drips with seduction, my heart rate accelerates.

“Nothing,” I whisper.

“That’s a lie and you know it. I can make that memory more vivid for you if you like?” He’s so close his breath is burning my skin.

“Back off, Jared. Don’t you care about Justin?” I try to appeal to the brother side of him because I’m so weak I don’t know if I can tell him no if he pushes me any further.

He steps back. “He took what was mine.” He sounds so deadly serious my eyebrows pinch together.

“You left me. You left me in a heap on my mother’s floor, Jared. I would have never made it without Justin. He made me breathe again.” The pain is back in his eyes, but I keep going. “You didn’t even give me a chance to explain.”

“What was there to explain? You knew Dad was fucking around with your mother and you kept it from me. My Mom was a mess. He beat her, did you know that? He would do it in places that wouldn’t show. He told her he was fucking your Mom, he tortured her with details, sent her into a depression so bad that she was practically comatose for ages. He threatened her to keep her quiet.”