The Beats in Rift (9 page)

Warm salty wetness seeps onto my lips. I’m crying and I hadn’t even noticed.

“I had to get her away, Beats. She told me she had been following your Mom; she wanted to see what that woman had that she didn’t.”

“You could have talked to me. You destroyed me when you left.”

“I was so mad at you, and then my Mom talked about how much your Mom had ruined her, and it made me angrier with you for keeping it a secret, for lying to me. As time passed I tried to convince myself we were young and it was a puppy love we could move on from, but I couldn’t move on. Thoughts of you consumed me. Memories of us were what kept me sane while I tried to look after Mom. I was planning on getting settled down and coming to talk to you. It had been four months, and I decided to charge my old phone and found texts from Melissa, telling me you’d moved on. I phoned her and she told me you were dating Logan from the football team. She said you were rebelling, going from one player to the next. I didn’t believe her so I drove into town and there you were at a game, wearing preppy clothes, cheering for Logan and it broke my fucking heart. I didn’t want to believe it Beats, but my Dad and his hateful words echoed in my mind along with my Mom’s and I just…”

His hands are on my shoulders, his face contorted into a painful expression.

“She was lying, Jared. I changed the way I dressed because I needed to strip away what reminded me of you, but I’ve never even spoken to Logan, you asshole. I went to the games for Justin, if I was cheering it would have been for him and only so I seemed normal and not the walking corpse I had been since the day you KILLED ME” I scream. How dare he believe I would go from him to anyone and everyone? “She played you to hurt me. She’s always hated me. And you let her, how could you ever think that of me?” I shake my head already knowing the answer. No matter how much I try to not be her, everyone will always cast me with the same title as my mother.

His hands slide to my neck. “I still love you, Beats. I know it’s bad for Justin but I can’t help it. We belong together, you know we do.”

“I can’t do that to him. When you left, it changed him. He had panic attacks if I didn’t answer my phone. If he couldn’t find me, he would freak out and have everyone looking for me. He was so scared I’d up and leave him to go find you. It took him so long to get over it and now I see him like it again, I couldn’t leave him. You thought so shitty of me too Jared. You will always see my mother in me.”

The lines on his face disappear as the cold Jared takes Rift’s place.

“Fine, well tell my brother goodbye for me. And just know I don’t see anyone in you but you, Beats. I may have let anger and people influence my mind but never my heart. You live there, you’re its beat, always were and always will be.”

I grab his shirt. “Wait, you can’t leave.”

I know I can’t have them both but the dread and sorrow my soul feels of the thought of him leaving us again is too intense. I can’t let him walk away from us again it hurts to much.

“You can’t have us both, and I won’t survive seeing you with him. I love him he’s my brother but I love you more. I’d end up killing him.”

He tugs free. Grabbing his bag from the floor, he walks to the bedroom door as his Dad walks in. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I’m leaving,”

“Rift, please don’t,” I cry out but he doesn’t stop. I hear his chunky boots carry him down the stairs and out the front door.

I’m left staring into the cold, hateful eyes of Mr Jacobs. My insides weaken, and I walk slowly to the bathroom, hoping to get in there and lock myself in until Justin gets home. I only make it to the doorway before he grabs the back of my neck and throws me forward with such force I slide across the cold tiled floor.

I’ve always complained to Justin and Jared about how cold and clinical this bathroom looks; it’s all white, no splash of color anywhere and it has now become a white padded cell holding me hostage. Mr Jacobs’ heavy body comes down on me. He’s holding my hair; the smell of alcohol stings my nose as his harsh words spill all over me. “You’re nothing but a fucking whore, playing both my boys just like your mother did with me and my brother.”

His painful grip pushes into my hip and he flips me onto my back and straddles my waist, pinning my arms either side of my head.

“Why do you hate me?” I sob. He words not making sense.

He leans forward and growls at me. “Because women like you ruin lives. You turn us into jealous messes. You use us for money, titles. You’ve been using my boys just like Mommy taught you to, using your beauty against us.”

He reaches for the hem of my shirt and rips it open. My buttons fly across the bathroom, scattering with tiny taps as they land. He’s exposed my bra for his greedy eyes. Sobs rack my body, making me shudder violently. The cold press of the tiles against my back keeps me grounded. I try to focus on any feeling but him. He tears the fabric clean from my skin. “Look at you. No wonder they can’t get enough. Time to share with me, too.”

“God, no please!” I beg choking on my cries. I’ve always known he was capable of this, that’s why I’ve been so afraid of him. His mind has been raping me for years.

He flicks the front fastener to my bra, exposing my bare breasts, keeping my arms pinned with one hand. I squirm, trying to get free but he’s too powerful. “Your body was made for sin, Meadow, just like your mother’s.”

I hear the front door open. Mr Jacobs’ eyes widen. He jumps from my body, stumbling back into the bedroom as I scurry to my feet and cover my breasts. I hear footsteps coming towards me and pure relief floods my body as Justin enters the room. I move to the doorway, grabbing at him when he comes close enough.

“Get out!”

His words incinerate what’s left of my heart leaving nothing but ashes.

“IT’S BEEN TWO months and you’re already behind on classes, Meadow. You won’t keep that scholarship if you don’t even go to classes. You need to go see him and start college. You earned this scholarship.”

I look into the brown eyes of my mother. “What has happened to you?” I ask, completely dumbfounded at the woman giving me advice. Actually seemingly bothered about my scholarship. I know she probably just wants me out of her hair once and for all.

I went away for two weeks after that night, and when I came back, Jared hadn’t been back and no one knew where he went. Justin has left for Florida; he left letters for me with Drew but I can’t read them, and I made Drew and my Mom swear to tell people I’m not staying here if anyone asks. I need to be invisible again and just blend into the scenery.

My classes started three weeks ago and my professors are only giving me two more days before they take me off their roster. Everything I worked for, making sure I could follow Justin to Florida state so he wouldn’t be alone was all for nothing.

I’m used to the fear of being left alone; I am the poster child for a lonely childhood. My Father knocked my Mom up and left her as soon as the stick turned pink. Then her family abandoned us before I even took a breath. I had lots of ‘uncles’ come and go over the years. Mom thought that was a good term for her many boyfriends.

Then the most important person in my whole world left me, not once, but twice. I wonder how Justin is coping. Drew said he’s struggling but he hurt me so bad. I’m struggling too and I don’t know how to see him again but I know I have to.

I’VE BEEN STARING at the wooden door for at least twenty minutes, my heart pounding in my ears. I raise and lower my hand over and over but can’t bring myself to wrap my knuckles on the door.

“Hey, can I help you?” I turn to see a blonde guy with brown eyes smirking at me. He points to the door I’m standing like a statue in front of. “This is my place.”

I blink and realize what a freak I must seem. I clear my dry throat. “Oh, erm, sorry. I thought Justin Jacobs lived here.”

The guy smiles and comes closer. “He does. I’m Max, his roommate.”

I return his smile. “Oh, right. I’m Meadow.”

His eyes roam over me and his smile broadens. “Of course you are, I recognize you now.” He laughs at my confusion and puts his key in the lock. “Justin has pictures of you.”

My face flushes. “Oh, okay.”

“I can see why he’s so messed up over you. Are you blushing? That’s cute” He winks. The flush travels further up my cheeks and down my neck. I shake my head and follow him over the threshold.

“I’m just playing trying to ease your tension, you been out there long?”

He raises his eyebrows knowingly. I try to smile but my lips refuse to tilt up. I shrug instead and look around the apartment I’m supposed to be living in with Justin, taking in the natural tones to the décor. The wide screen TV, and recliners scream guy pad. It’s not until I notice all the pictures adorning the walls that it feels more homely.

“See.” Max gestures to the pictures hanging from every wall. They’re of me and Justin; the apartment is covered in them. “Drink?” He holds up a beer bottle and tilts it in my direction.

I look to my watch and scrunch my nose. “It’s three o’clock in the afternoon.”

This gains me a chesty laugh. “You’re in college now, sweetheart. We’re supposed to drink in the day.”

“Where’s Justin…” I don’t get a chance to finish my sentence, the front door opens and groceries hit the floor with a thud.

“Meadow?” It comes out as question, like he’s not sure if I’m actually standing here.

I nod. “Hey. I just wanted to see you so you don’t get a shock if you see me on campus,”

The brown paper bag crumbles at his feet, groceries spilling out. He’s frozen to the spot.

“Justin! Dude, you’re freaking me out,” Max says, walking over to pick up the contents of the bag.

“Meadow.” He steps past Max and smashes his body to mine, holding so tight I struggle to breathe. “Where have you been? I’ve been out of my mind with worry.”

I eventually get him to loosen his death grip. “I needed time.” My voice comes out weaker then I meant it to, there’s understanding in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Med. I spoke to Jared. He called, and apparently he felt bad for leaving without saying goodbye.” I hear the doubt in his voice. “He told me nothing happened between you, and then Dad admitted he was drinking and maybe you were just taking a shower and he jumped to conclusions.”

He’s smiling at me, happy with his Dad’s answer for what happened. I can’t even force a smile to grace my lips. My body stiffens at the mention of his Father, the memories from that night leaving cold shivers racing through me.

“Your Dad hates me and he is a liar,” I grate out.

Justin sighs and rakes his hands through his hair. “He doesn’t hate you, Med. He just doesn’t want me making a mistake. He thinks I’m your stand-in for Jared.”

Hearing him say that hurts for more reasons than one. First of all, I hate how he swallows whatever bullshit his Father feeds him. Second, I love him and he isn’t a substitute for Jared. I love him on his own merit and never compare the two. But thirdly, after Jared left for the second time, It reminded me and magnified the hurt from the first time. I was so sick of feeling numb after he left, I needed Justin to take my hand and teach me exist again without him, give me a substitute for air so I could finally breathe again. I missed Justin and needed his presence for comfort, but I craved Jared. I miss him with every beat of my heart. So where does that leave things with Justin and me?

“Guys, I’m going to take off to give you some privacy.” Max’s voice comes from behind me. I had completely forgotten he was even there. We don’t even acknowledge him as he walks out.

“Med, I can’t argue with you about my Dad, I just can’t. He’s the only family I have. Please.”

My body sags releasing the tension in my muscles, sighing I tell him. “I love you, Justin and because I do I will drop it.”

The rigidity leaves his shoulders. “You love me still?” He sounds desperate, needy.

“I’ll always love you. Before we were a couple, we were best friends. You have been a huge part of my life, don’t ever question my love for you.”

His huge exhale of breath tells me he’s relieved. “I missed you so much. You can’t do that to me, you can’t leave me. We belong together, Meadow. You weren’t meant for him, you were meant for me.” He cups my face in both hands and descends his soft lips to mine for a few seconds before breaking away to swipe a stray strand of hair from my face. “I love you more. I’m supposed to be with you. I’ll never leave you. I’ll be your first and your last.” Reaching for the hem of my sun dress, he whispers. “Let me be the first person to make love to you, and the last, Meds.”