Simon Says (Friends and Lovers) (5 page)

Gwen had been devastated. The man she loved with all of her heart was disgusted with her. She couldn’t argue the point. She’d allowed him to do anything he wanted to her without question. She’d loved pleasing him, doing whatever he wanted just to ensure his pleasure.

Gwen knew she had self-respect. She knew she had morals, but she couldn’t reconcile what she felt with his words when clearly she’d driven him away. Paul had left her there without looking back. She’d never seen him again, but that relationship had haunted her ever since. Every notion she had about herself had been shaken up and turned upside down. She no longer trusted herself.

After Paul, she’d tried dating a few times, but whenever a man got too close she froze up. She didn’t want a repeat of Paul. She’d get but so far into the relationship before her need to please him would surface and she’d become so afraid of seeing that same disgust that she’d distance herself and ultimately end the relationship. After just a few tries, she’d given up all together and thrown herself into making her store a success.

The night she’d spent with Simon had brought back all of the humiliation and shame she felt after Paul. Not
while
she’d been with Simon. What she’d experienced with Simon had been unlike anything she’d ever experienced. She’d felt at peace the entire time she’d been with him. It was as if she’d reclaimed a part of herself she hadn’t known was missing, but when she’d come down out of her fog she could only see Paul’s face and the hatred and disgust in his eyes when he’d looked at her. She’d done the only thing she could think to do at that time … run.

She hadn’t been able to run from the memories though. She dreamed of Simon. Dreamed of his touch. Dreamed of his laugh. Dreamed of being able to see him again, but the latter was just that a dream. She could never face him after what she’d done.

Simon’s first email had come as a shock. She’d expected that after her behavior he’d never want to speak to her again. Her assistant had told her he’d been by the store, but she’d expected it would end there. His email had been simple, one line … "Why did you run?"

She hadn’t replied. She hadn’t deleted it either. She’d just moved it to her "Save These" file and tried to forget about it. Other emails had followed the first. Each one started the same … "Why did you run?" Each had been filed away with no response.

The emails had changed over the weeks, becoming longer and more narrative. He seemed to be having a conversation with her. He’d told her funny stories about the Hollywood premier of
Trinity
and introduced her virtually to Adon and Marlie. He’d regaled her with his latest game’s success at the video game convention and shared his fears for the next game he was working on. It was a total departure and he wasn’t sure his fans would be receptive.

Within those letters, Gwen sensed a very lonely man. He seemed to be surrounded by people, yet he was talking to Gwen. His last email had broken her heart and she couldn’t leave him hanging any longer. Even now, she felt compelled to read it again…

Gwen,

I don’t know why I continue to write to you, you haven’t replied yet, but somehow you’re the only person I feel like talking to. I wish you would reply, if for no other reason to tell me what happened that night to make you run from me so that I can forget about you.

The time I spent with you was the best I’ve had in more years than I can remember. It was truly a pleasure to talk with you and get to know you. I respect what you’ve done with your store. I know how hard it is to go your own way. It’s a wonderful place. It was packed when I stopped by. You must be very proud.

I don’t know, Gwen, but then I guess that is the real problem. I don’t know. I don’t know why you ran. I don’t know what I am hoping to accomplish sending these emails off. I don’t know what I did wrong.

I promised you that I wouldn’t hurt you, but I obviously did. I never wanted to hurt you, Gwen, please believe that. I won’t bother you any more.

My deepest apologies,

Simon

She simply couldn’t let him believe he’d done anything wrong. She’d replied, pouring out her story. Telling him about Paul. It was easier than she’d expected, but that was because she didn’t have to look at him to do it. She didn’t expect him to respond, but at least now he’d know he hadn’t done anything to her.

Gwen read Simon’s email one last time and filed it away. She reached for the mouse to shut off her machine when her Gtalk flashed with an invite to chat.
Simon.Cain
was inviting her to chat.

Simon.Cain:
Gwen? Will you chat with me?

Adrenaline shot through Gwen’s veins causing her hands to shake. Simon wanted to chat with her! What the hell should she do? Her mind was completely blank. She had no idea how to respond.

Si
mon.Cain:
Gwen. I can see that you’re online. Just chat with me.

Gwen took a deep, steadying breath and typed, "OK."

Simon.Cain:
Good. Thank you for finally replying. I am very sorry about what happened with Paul.

BeadLady_GC:
I appreciate that.

Simon.
Cain:
I hope you realize that he fed you the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard, but then he sounds like an asshole to begin with.

Gwen was stunned. She had no idea how to respond. He thought Paul was wrong, that he was an asshole. Gwen couldn’t assimilate his words.

Simon.Cain:
You still there?

BeadLady_GC:
Yes, I’m here.

Simon.Cain:
Do you expect me to believe that a woman as smart as you actually accepted that you were the one who was at fault for him shoving his prick down another woman’s throat.
Did you hold a gun to his head? Order him to get his dick sucked?

Gwen burst out laughing at the image. She laughed the laugh of the hurt and wounded. She’d carried the pain of Paul’s desertion for so long and so close, sharing with no one, that she’d never really considered it from any perspective other than Paul’s.

Simon.Cain:
Have I lost you?

BeadLady_GC:
No, you haven’t. I was actually laughing at the image you present.

Simon.Cain:
It’s not an image
. I
t’s the truth. Paul was a selfish jackass who to
ok a gift you gave him and twisted it to use as an excuse for betraying you. Only a spineless coward does that.

BeadLady_GC:
What makes you so sure of this?

Simon.Cain:
Simple … who asked you to try out dominance and submission?

BeadLady_GC:
???

Simon.
Cain:
You called it mastery. Who suggested you submit to Paul in bed?

BeadLady_GC:
He did.

Simon.Cain:
Who demanded you do any of the things the two of you did in bed?

BeadLady_GC:
He did.

Simon.Cain:
Who lied and cheated?

BeadLady_GC:
He did.

Simon.
Cain:
Now, tell me this. If you are responsible for what Paul did, why don’t I see your name after any of those questions?

Gwen was reeling from Simon’s words. He had a point. She hadn’t initiated even one single exchange with Paul, her heart leapt with hope, but she wasn’t convinced yet.

BeadLady_GC:
I didn’t stop him.

Simon.Cain:
Why would you? He told you it was what he wanted. The key exchange in dominance and submission is trust. You trusted him. You trusted that he was being honest with you about w
hat he wanted. HE LIED TO YOU. Don’t you see? He lied. Nothing he says or did has any value and you’re only a fool if you let it.

BeadLady_GC:
I want to believe you, but I need time to think.

Simon.Cain:
Fair enough, but think about this. I asked you to
trust me and you did. I asked you to submit to me and you did. I promised you pleasure in return, based on your responses I think I delivered (compliments are good BTW, my ego has been very bruised).

Again, Gwen laughed. It felt good to laugh again. She blushed as she responded.

BeadLady_GC:
You delivered.

Simon.Cain:
Ha! I knew it!