SEX Unlimited The Complete Volumes (17 page)

“Have you ever considered that your pain just looks different than mine?” I considered his question and he never took his eyes off of mine. I blinked back tears and wished I could go back in time and do things different.

“No, I never thought of it that way. I just saw you trying so hard to be positive and hold out hope she would be found alive. I needed to grieve and you wouldn’t let her go.”

He stood and towered over me. Tears broke free from his eyes and all I wanted to do was jump up and wrap my arms around him. “No, I wouldn’t let her go. Hope kept me going when all I wanted to do was end my life. I didn’t want to live in a world where she didn’t exist. But I thought you needed me. I
needed
you to need me. I tried to be strong for you and for us. You refused to see that. Not everyone displays their pain for everyone to see. Every time I forced a smile onto my face it was just a mask for the agony I felt inside. Every time I told you everything was going to be okay it was me stopping myself from telling you how many times I imagined taking my own life. Each day I disguised my pain to ease yours. You had enough heartache. You didn’t need mine, too.”

Every word he spoke in that moment landed upon me like explosions of fiery regret. Every syllable scorched my soul. My heart turned to ashes and fell at his feet, begging forgiveness for not seeing his pain…because I was so blinded by my own.

Earth shattering sobs erupted from my throat and I cried for him. For the first time since our world was turned on its axis, I cried for the man who lost just as much, if not more, than I did. Instantly, he was at my side. His big, warm arms embraced my trembling body and I cried into his chest until every tear I could cry had been shed. He never spoke. He just caressed my back and held me. When I finally looked up at him I saw the man I had given my heart to so many years before. I had refused to see that Brian for so long.

“I’m so sorry. I made so many mistakes. Can you ever forgive me?”

He leaned in and rested his head on mine. “I forgave you a long time ago.”

I froze. I thought surely he had hated me for pushing him away. “You did?”

“Yes, I did. I had to.”

I pulled back from him some and the confusion on my face must have been evident because he tried to explain.

“Living with bitterness is like poison. I made a choice to forgive you because I knew you only did what you did to survive a tragedy. I also knew I couldn’t carry the weight of being bitter toward both you and me. What I’m still working on is forgiving myself.”

I grasped his hand and tried to give him a reassured look that it wasn’t his fault. “You can’t blame yourself forever, Brian. Just because we don’t have a name and face to blame doesn’t mean you have to blame yourself. Whoever took her is the person to blame. Not you. I know I never said that to you but I should have.”

He traced the skin on my hand with his thumb. “Thank you for saying it now.”

“You’re welcome. I’m sorry for waiting so long to tell you that.”

He released my hand and pulled his keys from his pocket. “I should go. I’m glad we ran into each other here today. It was good to talk about everything.”

My heart sank because in that second I knew my hopes of reconciling were futile. I had really lost him.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come back to the house and spend the rest of the day together?” I had to at least try.

“I can’t.”

I dropped my head and nodded. “I understand.”

“Listen, you have no idea how glad I am we talked. It was hard thinking you were continuing to feel hatred toward me. And I’m glad you finally understand how I felt and still feel.”

Looking back up at him I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my face. “I ruined us, didn’t I?”

“No, Danielle, you didn’t ruin us. Pain just changed us. That’s what pain does. It changes who we are; sometimes in good ways and sometimes not. Regardless, we are different now. I know I am, anyway. I can’t be the man you fell in love with or the man you married. I’ll always love you.”

He cradled my face in both of his hands, his warmth calming me. “You have to know I’ll always love who we were to each other. I’ll never regret loving you. But I have to learn how to be alone with myself and how to love the solitude of empty moments. I have to forgive myself before I can ever dream of being in a relationship again.”

Slowly and gently he leaned down, pressing his lips to mine. He took his time and kissed me with care. That kiss haunts me every day still because the moment he pulled away an overwhelming feeling of pure and utter loss rolled over me in waves. I stood there as he walked away. I didn’t move. I watched him as his image grew smaller and smaller until I could no longer see him anymore. Now, I only see him in my dreams. Sometimes, I see him in my nightmares, only he’s the one trying to help me in them. It’s always the same; me screaming for Willow and him holding me, rocking me back and forth, telling me it’s going to be okay.

I didn’t see Brian for nearly five months after that day. Finally I broke down and called him. He answered immediately but the conversation was awkward and forced. We hung up and I vowed to never call him again. Then the day came when I saw him walking out of a restaurant with a beautiful redhead in a slinky dress. Something uncontrollable came over me. I whipped over and parked on the side of the road. Rage filled my veins and my body acted like it was on auto-pilot. I didn’t think. I just reacted. I stormed up to him and the perfectly poised woman at his side. As soon as he saw me it was like fear slapped him in the face.

“Is this how you learn to get over it?” I waved my hand up and down in the direction of her tiny tight body. “Is this how you forgive yourself?”

Everyone around stopped and stared. Strawberry Shortcake gasped and gripped his arm.

“Danielle, what are you doing here?”

I stepped in so very close to him, completely disregarding the twit claiming him with the death grip on his arm. “I could ask you the exact same question. I practically fall at your feet, repenting for what I did, and you all but told me you couldn’t be with me anymore. This epic soul searching you had to do was your reason, yet here you are, only a five months later, with some girl in cheap hooker heels.”

“Hey, these were fifty bucks at the mall.” I glare at her and then laugh.

“You really know how to pick ‘em B. Real intelligent piece of work you’ve got hanging on your arm. Is she easing your pain? She making it all better for you?” I poked him in the chest. “Have you forgiven yourself so easily?”

He pried Pippy Longstockings off his arm and grabbed ahold of mine. Pulling me off to the side he leaned down and lowered his voice.

“What are you doing? Why are you making a scene like a crazy person? It’s a date. So, what? The guys at work set me up on a date and I went. I haven’t been dating and I’m not in a relationship with her or anyone. It was just dinner.”

I look over his shoulder at her. “She does not look like a
just dinner
type of woman, Brian.”

“I’ve gathered,” his words are clipped. “I’m taking her home and I won’t be seeing her again. I think you know me well enough to know she’s not my type. And I’m not out trying to get laid tonight. Dinner was all it was supposed to be and that’s all it is. I get lonely. I just wanted to have dinner with someone and have a nice, semi-normal night.”

I nearly shrank into myself. Suddenly, the realization of the scene I caused hit me and I just wanted to disappear.

“But that isn’t happening now, is it? You showing up here raving like a crazy person is far from normal.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll go. I don’t know what got into me. I saw you and her and I was consumed with anger. I still love you and I miss you.”

He let out an exasperated sigh.

I stepped in toward him. “Why can’t you have dinner with me when you’re lonely?”

The sad desperation in my voice was pathetic.

“Please, don’t. You know we can’t just go out and have dinner like nothing happened. And I don’t want to give you false hope for us. Can you understand that?”

Looking at him that night I saw it with crystal clarity. He simply wasn’t in love with me anymore. Sure, he loved me and always would, but that flame he once had that burned so hot for me wasn’t there. It had died along with our Willow.

“Why don’t you just say it, Brian? Say you’re not in love with me anymore. I need to hear you say the words.”

Right then his date appeared at his side. “Bridgette, can you give us a few more minutes please?”

Bridgette? Yep, she looked like a Bridgette.

“Okay, sure. Don’t be long, kay?” Her perky voice was like fingernails on a chalk board. I wanted to pull those cheap shoes off her feet and slap her with them.

“I don’t know, okay. I have no idea how I feel. Everything is so messed up in my head. I don’t know what I want. I’m trying hard to figure that out. I told you that day at the park I love you. Do I love you like I use to? No, I don’t. I’m sure if you were truly honest with yourself you’d realize you don’t love me the same either. When we lost her, we lost a lot more, too. As hard as it is to accept, our love story ended that day. It was also lost.”

I didn’t respond to him. I just turned and walked away. That’s the last time I spoke to him. Several weeks later he tried to call me and I didn’t answer. I know why he was calling. He didn’t leave a message and I never called him back. The only way I heard from him after that was through further issues from his attorney with the divorce. I started this story that night; the night he told me we were lost along with our Willow. I wish our story could have had a happy ending but unfortunately it doesn’t. Our story is that of love lost; a True Loss Story.

I close my laptop, tears streaming down my face. Their story is more than heartbreaking. It’s tragic. I get up and make my way to the bathroom and turn on the shower. It’s the middle of the night and I feel like I haven’t slept in days. Thoughts of Brisban and Dawn are ever present in my mind. I can’t imagine what they had to experience tonight. As soon as I shower I’m going to try and sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can think more clearly.

THE FAINT BUZZING OF MY cell tempts me out of my sleep. I roll over and groan at the light peering through the blinds. My eyes focus on the clock. It’s almost noon. I can’t believe I slept this late. I fumble around for my phone. It’s a number I don’t recognize but I answer anyway.

“Hello.”

“Candace? I’ve been calling all morning. Are you okay?”

I sit up in bed. “James?” I look at the number on the screen again.

“Yes, it’s me. Please don’t hang up.”

I breathe into the phone and drop my head. “What do you want James? I’ve had a long night and I don’t feel like going back and forth with you right now, okay?”

“I just called to tell you I saw your boyfriend here at the precinct last night. He was with his
wife
. Do you even know who you are sleeping with?”

“He’s
divorced
. Is this really what you called to tell me? You really are crazy, you know that? A simple bit of digging would’ve told you he’s not married anymore. What kind of police officer are you anyway?”

“I did dig and I assure you he’s very married.”

He’s trying to pull one over on me and I’m not buying it.

“I don’t believe you.”

Nervous energy slaps me into a fully awake state of mind.

“Check your email. It’s all there. I sent it all over to you this morning.”

“Do not call me anymore, for any reason. Do you understand? If you do I’m filing harassment charges against you and I don’t give a damn if you’re the police or not!”

I hang up and slam my phone down on the bed before getting up to grab my laptop. As soon as I open my email account James’ email is the first one I see. I click on it and open the attachment.

I read it, and re-read it, over and over again. Dawn and Brisban are still married. How can that be? Unexpectedly, I feel sick to my stomach. I rush into the bathroom and fall to my knees. Bile rises in my throat and my gut twists into knots. I throw up and cry at the same time. As soon as I know I’m not going to be sick anymore I brush my teeth and wash my face. I feel like I’m living a real life nightmare. My doorbell rings and I nearly jump out of my skin. I’m so emotional and on edge I almost feel like calling Janette and asking for a Xanax. Hopefully, that’s her here now. I shuffle across the floor in my baggy pajamas and open door without thinking to look to see who it is. That’s how out of it I am.