Serpentine Walls (32 page)

“You haven’t mentioned Matthew since we got back to school. I thought you guys were going to talk.”

Pete stared down at his feet moving along the path. “I guess it’s over.”

John stopped walking. “What the
hell
are you talking about? Have you seen him?”

“No.” There was a bench on the side of the trail, and he sat down.

John remained standing, putting one foot and then the other on the bench to stretch out his muscles. “Then how can you say it’s over?”

“I haven’t heard from him since we got back on Saturday.”

“Have you called him?”

“No,” Pete admitted.

“Well, fuck, Pete.” John glared at him, hands on hips. “You can’t call it over when you haven’t even tried to work things out.”

“I guess.”

John rolled his eyes. “Good thing Cleo isn’t here or she’d be reaming your ass. She thinks you’re both idiots at this point.”

Pete made an assenting noise, moving his head from side to side to get the cricks out of his neck. “She’s right.”

“Okay,” John said, sitting next to him. “Do you or do you not want to be with Matthew? As in a relationship?”

“I do.”

“Alright. You want my advice?” Pete nodded. “Let him know what he means to you.”

“What?”

“Matthew doesn’t get who he is for you. He thinks you’ve been more into Aidan than him this whole time.”

Pete huffed out an impatient sigh. “Aidan. You know what I finally got about Aidan?”

“This oughta be good. I’m all ears.” John put his chin on his hands.

“Screw you. I got that half of Aidan’s allure comes from him being unobtainable. That way I can perv on him all I want, but I don’t have to deal with whatever shit might come from actually getting involved with him.”

“Um-hm. Very good. Anything else?”

“No, that’s it on Aidan. You were right about him being safe, but I didn’t get what you meant back then.”

“The safe thing is pretty obvious, you know.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Pete glanced over. John had that gleam in his eye he got when he was dying to psychoanalyze him. “Okay, go on.”

Smiling, John continued. “Well, just look at what you’ve been doing all year. First you make sure everyone knows you don’t want a relationship. But you get completely gonzo over Aidan, who’s conveniently unavailable. Poor Jed is available and interested, but you’re like ‘blah.’ And of course George is still around to have a few meaningless hookups with.”

“But then there’s Matthew,” Pete said, getting a vivid image of Matthew at the Ellipse, laughing as he turned his face skyward to catch snowflakes on his tongue.

“Yep. Matthew kind of snuck in under your ‘don’t get involved’ radar. Even though Aidan’s been preoccupying you, you and Matthew kept getting closer. But it was cool, as in safe, because you thought Matthew was either straight or involved with someone, and when he turned out to be celibate, even better. How safe can you get?”

“Only he wasn’t.”

“He wasn’t celibate?”

“No, no, I mean he wasn’t safe.” The wind picked up, cooling the sweat on Pete’s skin. “Let’s start walking.”

John hopped up and followed Pete to the path. “What’s interesting is that the situation where Matthew is practicing celibacy and you’re claiming you don’t want a relationship allowed you guys to fall for each other without getting too freaked about it. But as soon as Matthew crossed the line….”

“He wasn’t safe anymore, and I had to trash it.”

John socked him lightly in the shoulder. “Bingo.”

“So when I got all pissy at Coupe’s, it was me pushing him away.”

“Yep. And it worked. So here you are, safe once more.”

“Yeah.” Pete stared bleakly at the running path. “Safe and alone.”

“Well, it’s either that or being with Matthew and taking the risk that things might not work out.”

“Those are my two choices, huh?”

“That about sums it up.”

“Great.”

They emerged from the woods and walked along the trail as it skirted a pond.

“Hey, it’s the bitch of being alive,” John said. “Everybody’s scared of getting hurt, but that’s what you risk when you let people in. I know you’ve been fucked up about your parents splitting up, and you’re all Mr. Cynical about love. But Matthew came along and you fell for him anyway, so what’re ya gonna do?”

Pete studied the ripples on the pond’s surface, no answer forthcoming as John continued to speak.

“And think about how Matthew’s feeling after constructing this wall for years so he won’t get his heart stomped on. He meets you and
wham
. No wonder he’s freaking out.”

“Yeah. It all makes a lot of sense now.” Pete knocked his shoulder into John’s. “Thanks for the therapy session, dude.”

“Dude, people pay good money for this shit. But back to Matthew—what are you going to do?”

“Tell him how I feel about him and that I want to go for it.”

“Excellent,” John said as they left the park.

“But I’m thinking of doing it on a card.”

“Fine. As long as you do it.”

They parted ways on the sidewalk.

“Catch you later,” John said.

He was halfway down the block when Pete called after him. “Hey, thanks.”

John turned. “For what?”

“For being awesome and helping me figure things out, like, since we were eight.” Pete actually had a lump in his throat, he loved John so much in that moment.

“Oh.” John smiled. “Anytime, man. You’d do the same for me.”

O
N
F
RIDAY
afternoon, Pete came out of Mincer’s, card in hand, and walked to the bagel shop. He got himself an Americano and sat down at a table, thinking about what he wanted to write to Matthew. They still hadn’t spoken.
So much for not letting our friendship go
, he thought and then told himself to shut up. He needed to get this done.

Taking pen in hand, he wrote,
Dear Matthew—

He took a sip of his Americano. Tapping his pen on the table, he turned the card over and studied the cover. He hadn’t been able to find a card with
Now, Voyager
on it, but he supposed
Casablanca
would do. At least it was a movie.
Although why do all these frigging movies end up with love being renounced?

Telling himself again to shut up, he lifted his pen and poised it above the card, thinking, and then wrote,
It occurred to me that I’ve never told you what you mean to me.

He stopped. This was harder than he’d thought it would be. After another sip of his drink, he grabbed a piece of paper and composed a draft, striking out phrases and scribbling in others. He wrote the final version on the card:

Dear Matthew,

It occurred to me that I’ve never told you what you mean to me.

If John didn’t already have the title, I would call you my best friend. I can talk to you about anything, and you’ve helped me with so much. I made my first movie because of you, and you kicked my butt to reach out to my dad when I didn’t want to. You’re also hilarious. I’ve never had as much fun as I have with you. You’re an amazing person: generous and talented and funny and smart. (Did I mention sexy and gorgeous and that I love your freckles?)

About us: to clear up two misconceptions you have, 1) I am ready for a relationship, if it’s with you, and 2) you’re way more important to me than Aidan is or ever was. I’m also scared shitless about 1 and 2, which is why I turned into an asshole at Coupe’s. I’m sorry for that.

I don’t know where we go from here. Is this where I get down on one knee and ask you to be my boyfriend? The truth is, I’ll even be a monk with you, as long as we get to do it together.

Love,

Pete

He reread it, nodded, and stuck the card in its envelope, writing “Matthew” in big, bold letters across the front.

T
HE
lobby of the university theater was a madhouse of people milling around when Pete walked in with Angie and Brian for the film fest. He scanned the crowd in vain for his parents.

“Brian and I’ll go save seats,” Angie said. “How many?”

“Let’s see.” Pete counted on his fingers. “Mom, Dad, Missy, Austin, you guys, and John and Cleo. That’s eight. Oh, and me. So, nine.”

“I’m glad your dad is coming,” Angie said. “And without the girlfriend.”

“Me too.” Pete got distracted by a glimpse of Matthew across the lobby, holding a clipboard and conferring with a couple of students. It was the first time Pete had seen him in two weeks, and his stomach clenched with hungry longing.

Angie followed his gaze. “You’re giving him that card today,” she ordered.

“Aye-aye.” Pete’s hand went to his messenger bag, where he’d stashed the card.

“Come on, Ang,” Brian said. “Let’s go save seats before they’re all gone. See ya, Pete.”

Pete nodded absently, barely registering Angie and Brian leaving as he watched Matthew walk down a hallway and disappear from view.

“Hi, honey.” Mom’s welcome voice sounded in his ear, and he turned and hugged her, relieved by how calm and rested she looked. Missy stood next to her, beaming at him.

“Angie’s saving seats inside,” he told them, reaching over to give Missy a one-armed squeeze.

“Okay,” Mom said. “I’m looking forward to seeing your film.”

“Me too,” Missy said.

Pete took a big breath, remembering that his film was about to be shown to the public for the first time. He’d been so preoccupied with what was happening with Matthew, he’d forgotten to be nervous.

“Why don’t you guys go in? I’ll wait here for Dad and Austin.”

He watched Mom’s face for signs of distress at the mention of Dad, but she appeared unaffected. Missy moved closer to her and took her arm.

“Better text him,” was all Mom said. “If he’s going to be late, I don’t want you standing out here all afternoon.”

“Okay.”

Mom and Missy went into the auditorium, and Pete was reaching for his phone when he spied Dad’s tall form through the glass entrance doors.
Wow, he’s not only here, he’s early
. Pete hurried to meet him.

“Pete!” Dad’s voice boomed out as he pulled him into a bear hug.

“Hi, Dad,” Pete mumbled into his father’s chest.

“Hey,” Austin said when Dad released him, “it’s my bro, the filmmaker.” They gripped hands and did a complicated handshake complete with a finger snap while Dad watched in apparent bemusement.

“Thanks for coming.”

Dad smiled broadly, saying in his loud voice, “When your son’s some kind of a creative genius, the least you can do is come see what it’s all about.”

Pete felt himself blush, as much from how Dad’s voice reverberated through the lobby as from his words, while Austin laughed and made a funny face at him behind Dad’s back.

“Mom here yet?” Austin asked.

“Yep, she and Missy are already inside. They’re saving us seats.”

“Think I’ll go on in,” Austin said.

“You guys go ahead. I’ll wait for John.”

Dad surprised him by saying, “I’ll wait out here with you.”

Austin entered the auditorium while Pete stood with Dad, who was gazing around the lobby at the attendees with his usual keen interest. “Quite a crowd,” he commented.

“Yeah, I’m surprised by how many people came out.”

He watched Dad watching people, still kind of amazed that he had come, and without Mallory.

John and Cleo showed up and walked over to them. John wore his usual jeans and tee, but Cleo was wearing a fantastic all-in-one outfit made of black leather.
She looks like an anime superheroine
, thought Pete.

“Hi, Mr. Morgan,” John said.

“John, my lad, good to see you! Do you have a movie too?”

John laughed. “I’m not nearly that talented, Mr. M. I don’t know how Pete does it.”

Cleo piped up. “Pete has a true artist’s eye. But he combines his visuals with really interesting story arcs.”

His father nodded, looking faintly puzzled, and Pete stifled an urge to laugh.

“Dad, I don’t think you’ve met Cleo, John’s girlfriend. She has a movie in the fest. She’s an art major, and she majorly rocks too.”

“Oh, stop,” Cleo said to Pete while holding a hand out to Dad, who took it in both of his and beamed down at her.

“Pleased to meet you, Cleo. I see John has done well for himself.”

Pete wanted to roll his eyes—adults were so corny sometimes. But John answered him quite seriously.

“Yes, I have.”

As the lights flickered off and then on again, Pete saw Aidan across the lobby, standing with a group that included an older couple Pete thought must be his parents. Aidan’s hair was back to its natural blond, and he looked stunning in a sharp black suit and purple shirt. He caught sight of Pete and waved, smiling widely. Pete waved back. Professor R joined Aidan’s group, and Pete felt a nudge.

“Your animus figure and his sugar daddy,” John said in his ear.

“No lie. Okay, everyone. Time to go in.”

He ushered Dad inside, with John and Cleo following them down the aisle to the row where the others were saving seats. Entering the row first with Dad behind him, Pete sat between his parents, who nodded to each other cordially enough while Missy and Austin looked on. Pete cleared his throat against a poignant longing for when their whole family was together, reminding himself that it was enough that both his parents were here in the same room to see his film.

The auditorium grew dim as the stage lights came up, and Professor R walked onstage from the wings. Elegantly attired in a tailored suit, he captivated the audience with some droll anecdotes in his charming British accent. Pete looked over at Angie, and she made a face at him, while Brian glowered at the stage. Pete had no doubt that on his other side, Cleo was wearing a similar expression to Brian’s.

Professor R left the stage, the curtain rose, and the first movie came on the screen. His nerves rising, Pete settled back and tried to be calm, but the effort was defeated when Matthew walked by and took a reserved seat on the other side of the aisle a few rows in front of them, where Pete had a clear view of him. He swallowed, remembering his card, and then wrenched his attention back to the screen.