Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (34 page)

The following is a condensed list of Kramer's brief romantic encounters, and a few descriptive terms to impart images of the episode: Cheryl, a lab chemist, had an intimate encounter in her work environment and tainted mayoral candidate Rudy Giuliani's cholesterol specimen; Anna, an African-American, invited Kramer to meet her parents but he embarrassed himself by oversleeping in a tanning booth and being severely burned; Hildy was a full-figured waitress from Reggie's Diner who continuously craved food; Wendy, a physical therapist, was dumped by Kramer when she changed her 1970s hairstyle; Emily was known for having jimmy legs; and Kramer nearly dated Uma Thurman but hand lotion smudged her telephone number that was written on a dry cleaning ticket.

Kramer spent four days in the Cayman Islands at the same hotel as the
Sports Illustrated
swimsuit models.  The hotel opened a section of the beach for nude bathing and Kramer shared a beach blanket and played backgammon with Elle MacPherson.

Sister Roberta, of Latvian Orthodox faith, was quite taken with Kramer; she began questioning her faith and contemplated leaving the church.  Kramer realized that he had the kavorka--the lure of the animal--so he attempted to break the spell by using ten cloves of garlic and three quarts of vinegar.

Kramer had several encounters with Elaine's friends.  One of his first known girlfriends was her roommate, Tina--they trashed the kitchen, listened to tribal music, and had make-out sessions in the living room.  Another romance involved Elaine's friend, Noreen.  When Kramer and Noreen began dating, he convinced her to terminate the friendship with Elaine.  According to Kramer, Elaine was a negative influence, and Noreen needed structure and discipline in her life.

After briefly dating Ellen, Kramer eagerly anticipated breaking up with her.  In response, Jerry and Elaine expressed their true and brutally honest feelings toward Ellen.  Inevitably, the lovebirds reunited, and Kramer held a grudge against both naysayers.

The next romance commenced with a simple pick-up line involving the request for a library card.  Kramer began dating Marion, a librarian at the New York Public Library, who also wrote poetry.  She submitted her work to Pendant Publishing but the manuscript was rejected.

An unexpected relationship emerged when Kramer snubbed Jerry's former lover, Gail Cunningham.  They had a confrontation, and Kramer impetuously kissed her on the mouth.  When she kissed him back, Kramer finally understood women--they love the snub!

While practicing his golf swing in the video store, Kramer met a golf instructor, Mona, who was Susan Ross' lesbian lover.  Kramer began taking golf lessons, and they fell in love.  George was particularly upset with the romance because he drives women to lesbianism and Kramer brings them back.

Kramer met Lola in the hospital after an accident where she was attempting to ascend a steep incline in her wheelchair.  When the battery died, she rolled backwards down a hill and crashed into the wall.  It was love at first sight.  She had everything he wanted in another human being, well, except for the walking.  He even contemplated proposing marriage.  Ironically, Lola dumped Kramer because he was a hipster doofus and unattractive.

One of the most infamous girlfriends was Leslie, the low-talker.  She is a clothing designer who created the puffy shirt (like pirates used to wear).  When Jerry criticized the attire on national television, Leslie's career was ruined, stores canceled their orders, and the shirts were given to Goodwill.  Kramer ultimately broke up with her because he could not be with someone whose life was in complete disarray.

Olive, a cashier at Monk's Café, was particularly enticing because of her lengthy fingernails.  Kramer had an itchy back, and she was a back-scratching maestro: crisscross, figure 8, strummin' the ol' banjo, and a wild savage free-for-all where anything can happen.  When the itch faded, so did the romance.  Kramer attempted to cushion her feelings by feigning a romance with another woman--a mannequin.

Connie never wanted to leave the apartment, probably because she had another boyfriend, Joey.  When Kramer was literally dead tired and fell sound asleep, she actually believed he was a corpse, so her friends slipped him into a gunny sack and tossed Kramer into the Hudson River.  Kramer had her arrested for attempted murder, but attorney Jackie Chiles refused to handle any case involving Kramer.

In a competition with Jerry for their soul mate, Kramer consulted Newman for advice on the art of amour, and utilized his poetic talents in a modern day Cyrano de Bergerac routine.  When Pam indicated that she did not want children, Kramer immediately contacted Dr. Bernard Wendroff, M.D. (Urologist) for a vasectomy, but the procedure was botched and Kramer became more virile than ever.

In another competition amongst friends, Kramer and Mickey argued over Julie and Karen, two women they met at The Gap.  They quarreled over which one to date, but the decision was easier when Karen's parents turned out to be little people.  Kramer realized that she and Mickey had more in common, so he began dating Julie.  Ironically, Mickey married Karen, who really wanted to date Kramer, while Julie actually loved Mickey.

When Madeline moved downtown Kramer was unsure whether he could handle a long distance relationship, especially since her new area code was 646.  After a fight, Madeline kicked him out and while wandering the streets, Maxwell from Maid to Order propositioned him with a cleaning arrangement, much like a pimp to a prospective prostitute.

Kramer hated Keith Hernandez ever since a Mets-Phillies baseball game on June 14, 1987.  A crucial Hernandez error commenced a five-run ninth inning that cost the Mets the game.  As they waited outside the players' parking lot, Newman yelled, "Nice game, pretty boy!"  Hernandez walked past and at that moment Kramer was hit in the right temple with a loogie, and his head thrust back and to the left.  The spit ricocheted and struck Newman between the third and fourth rib and then the right wrist, causing him to drop a baseball cap.  The spit bounced off Newman's wrist, made a left turn--pausing in midair--and landed on his left thigh.  Not only did this version defy the laws of physics, but it proved there was a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road.  (This is a parody of Oliver Stone's movie
JFK
.)  The culprit, Roger McDowell, was upset because Kramer and Newman were cursing at him all day and Newman also poured a beer on his head.

Sex

Kramer boasts about knowing what women want in bed--he really knows how to push a woman's buttons between the sheets.  His sexual experience taught him to recognize the feel of fake breasts because he spent three months in Los Angeles.  However, despite a prolific track record of sleeping with a lot of women, Kramer never impregnated anyone.

Kramer does not put women on a pedestal; he puts them on a dental chair.  He likes the bottom during sex--make the woman do all the work--and even fakes orgasms when he is satisfied and wants to get some sleep.  When he is not physically with a woman, Kramer frequents the 976 phone sex numbers using the alias, Andre.  His favorite telephone representative is Erica, who happens to be Jerry's girlfriend, Jane.

* * * * *

ELAINE BENES

Family

According to Elaine, she literally came from a broken home--a tree fell on the roof and cracked the structure--her parents got along great but the house was in bad shape.  Elaine's father, Alton Benes, author of
Fair Game
, is a niche writer with modest popular appeal.  He loves big band music, and owns a sizeable collection of records.  Elaine rarely sees her father because he lives in Maryland and has an austere disposition.  She describes him as half-drunk and a man that thinks booze is a religion (his favorite drink is scotch with plenty of ice).

Alton was a soldier in the Korean War, and in 1953 spent time in Guatemala.  During the war, one of his jovial buddies, a tail gunner, had his brains blown all over the Pacific Ocean.  Alton likes Jerry Seinfeld because he conjures memories of this long-lost compatriot, and thinks George Costanza is gay (though he thinks everyone is gay).

Although her birth name is Elaine Marie Benes, she once jokingly claimed that her middle name is Ike.  Elaine was raised in Towson, Maryland, which is near Baltimore.  In 1978 she attended Camp Tioga, four years later she lived in some unspecified location, and in 1985 moved to New York.  Elaine has a married sister, Gail, who gave birth to a son in 1982 and lives in St. Louis, Missouri.  Elaine's brother-in-law works in the business field handling confidential information.  Although seldom mentioned, Elaine also has a brother.

Elaine's grandparents passed away in 1992, though it was never revealed if it was her maternal or paternal grandparents.  Prior to her death, Grandma Mema traveled to Europe in 1926 and used to spend time with Elaine and Cousin Holly at the matinee and Old Homestead Steak House.  The other grandparents, Nana and Papa, were alive in 1992 to witness Elaine's infamous nipple Christmas card. 

One historically noteworthy relative was an uncle who worked at the Dallas book depository with Lee Harvey Oswald.  When Elaine’s uncle mentioned that John F. Kennedy was shot, Oswald winked and said he was going to catch a movie.  Elaine's other relative, Uncle Pete, showers four times a day and cannot count to ten.

Personal

Elaine is described as short and attractive with a big wall of hair that resembles Brenda Starr, and a face like a frying pan.  Jerry's father describes her disposition as warm, yet George's father perceives her as supercilious.  Puddy views her as a bitter, bossy, and unstable person that is going to hell.  Elaine is right-handed, claustrophobic (especially on the subway), and has an I.Q. of 145.

A boyfriend once estimated Elaine as 5'8," 110 pounds, though she is more likely five inches shorter.  She has brown eyes, wears a size 4 dress and size 7 ½ shoe.  Elaine still has tonsils--everyone in her family does--and partakes in a complicated teeth brushing routine: floss, Plax, brush, Listerine.  She shampoos every day with misty herbal rainwater shampoo, yet a bottle lasts an entire year.  Elaine insists she takes better care of her hair than anyone--you could eat off her head.

Elaine has dry, bitten fingernails so she visits Ruby Nail Salon for regular manicures.  When the Korean women begin insulting her in a foreign tongue, she asked Frank Costanza to translate.  When he deciphered the insults, Elaine was banned from the salon for infiltrating a spy.

Elaine is known for having a bad temper, and George is admittedly afraid of her.  She once grabbed the brim of his panama hat and pulled it so hard that his head poked through the top.  Despite her temper, Elaine considers herself graceful.

Elaine brags about being a great liar--it is an inborn talent--but does not believe she is a terrible person.  She never throws anything at squirrels, never stares at freaks on the street, nor does she look away, because she wants to make them feel comfortable, and does not poof up her hair when she goes to the movies so the people behind her can see.

Elaine started attending germaphobe sessions after consuming a meal that Kramer created while showering in his tub.  However, she has been described as somewhat unsanitary for wearing the same pair of germ-infested bunny slippers since college.

Although Elaine is not very religious, she sent a personalized Christmas card to Sister Mary Catherine and Father Chelios.  The remaining cards were sent to hundreds of people--her boss, therapist, mailman, building superintendent, parents, nephew, Nana and Papa, Jerry, and Kramer--before anyone noticed that her nipple was exposed.  When George complained about being excluded from the mailing list, Elaine offered a personalized card by shoving his face between her breasts.  The card was plastered all over the office, and her office nickname became "Nip."

It has always been Elaine's dream to meet a Kennedy, so she enrolled in an aerobics class at the New York Health Club.  She chose a position directly behind John F. Kennedy, Jr. to admire his great butt.  After class they shared a cab and he intimated that she was his type.  Kennedy arranged a rendezvous outside Jerry's building, but ended up dating Marla (the virgin), who just broke up with Jerry. This was particularly frustrating because Elaine was part of masturbation abstinence contest. In the end, she was no longer “queen of the castle” and lost the contest.

When Elaine was labeled as a "difficult" patient during a January 1992 medical examination, she was quickly blacklisted by every physician.  She attempted to steal the medical chart but was stopped in the elevator, and then Kramer attempted a clandestine pilfering by pretending to be Dr. Van Nostrand.  Soon every doctor in New York knew her name and denied treatment.  She even received a suspicious telephone call from the American Medical Association in the middle of the night to confirm the spelling of her name.  Her last resort was visiting a country veterinarian but moments before the examination the telephone rang!

Elaine offered charitable services to the Senior Citizens Volunteer Agency that provides elderly companionship.  She was assigned to Mrs. Oliver who had a huge football-shaped goiter on her neck.  Elaine was unable to look the woman in the face because she feared the goiter would start talking.  Mrs. Oliver revealed a prior romance with Mohandas, the Mahatma (Gandhi)--he used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over her body.  Although intrigued, Elaine eventually terminated her involvement in the charitable organization.

Elaine participated in other charitable activities: AMCA (Able Mentally Challenged Adults) benefit; bachelor auction; and became a member of the Goodwill benefit committee (though she was fired after the puffy shirt incident).

Elaine was sued by a Chinese food delivery boy, Ping, after crossing against the light.  Although she moved out of the way, his bike ran into a parked car and he hit his head.  Elaine asserted that Ping was going too fast, but he claimed to have a green light and that Elaine was jaywalking.  The lawsuit was dropped when Elaine befriended Ping's cousin/attorney (Cheryl), who was also dating George.  Unfortunately, the legal claim was reinstated when George and Cheryl break up.