Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (29 page)

Susan's other friend, Eathan, was a wigmaster with the touring company
Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
at the Majestic Theater.  Eathan was in charge of the wigs, and resided with Susan for two weeks while the show performed in New York City.

Family & Relatives.
Susan Ross' parents are quite wealthy.  They have a servant named Rowena, a New York City condominium (#7A), a South Hampton beach house on 48 acres of land, and a cabin in upstate New York.  Mrs. Ross is an alcoholic and her husband Henry had a torrid affair with John Cheever.  Their marriage only had one romantic event in years--a handsome cab ride on their anniversary in 1996.  Besides their oldest child, Susan, they have a collegiate son, Ricky.

Susan's grandfather built the family cabin in 1947 when his wife was recovering from impetigo.  He thought the fresh air would facilitate her recovery but she died at the cabin the following winter, as did he exactly ten years later to the day.  Her grandfather's last words to Henry were, "cherish the cabin."  The cabin became Henry's sanctuary, and when it burned to the ground, he wept uncontrollably.

Susan's uncle, Ned, owns a fine men's clothing store that is protected by an in-store security guard.  Her Aunt Sara resembles George in appearance, is quadriplegic, and has a son who is a podiatrist.  Susan's cousin, Carrie, is married to Ken, and they stole George's idea to name their newborn, "Seven," in honor of Mickey Mantle (that was his Yankees jersey number).

Dating.
The first contact between George and Susan was at NBC during an executive meeting to discuss a series pilot.  George thought she was cute but their inevitable romance had a precarious start when Kramer vomited on her vest.  George paid the $18 dry cleaning bill and asked her for a weekend date.

Within a couple months they were officially dating--semi-daily phone calls (4-5 times per week), Tampax in his apartment, implied Saturday night dates, and Susan's moisturizer in the medicine cabinet.  Ironically, as a sitcom writer, George's job could allure women, but he was also in a serious relationship; if he ended the relationship to pursue other women, he would lose the job and never obtain the girls.  The relationship was emotional torture.  When they were together, George could not stand her; while apart, he longed for her.  He equated ascending Susan’s apartment staircase to a jail cell stroll.

After George kissed Susan during an NBC executive meeting, she was fired, and immediately broke up with him.  George was elated--finally his stupidity paid off.  After a few weeks of bachelorhood, he tried to convince Susan to reconcile.  She was hesitant until George discussed how Louis Pasteur and his wife had nothing in common but over time they became homogenized.  After Susan agreed to give him a second chance, George realized his mistake and implemented an impressive nose pick to offend her and preempt the reconciliation.

Following the breakup, Susan fell into the arms of Mona, a woman who had never been with a man.  George was paranoid that he drove Susan to lesbianism, but Jerry offered reassurance by stating that George might drive her to suicide, not lesbianism.  George thought Susan's lesbianism was hip, which rekindled his romantic interest in her.  Although she remained a lesbian, the sexual conversion did not take a permanent hold.  After making a pact with Jerry, George recklessly proposed marriage to Susan.  Although it took a couple hours to convince her, his persistence eventually wore her down.

Wedding.
Susan and George scheduled their wedding for Christmas 1995, and invited approximately 200 guests.  They purchased wedding invitations at Melody Stationary, and George inevitably selected the cheapest design (though he promised to buy her an expensive wedding ring).

Jerry was chosen as best man, and Elaine was purposely excluded because Susan did not want female ushers.  Kramer was nearly rejected as an usher for several reasons--he could not remember Susan's name, he was too weird, and would probably fall or somehow ruin the ceremony.  As a wedding gift, the Rosses offered a town house and a sizable portion of their estate.

George soon realized that he and Susan were incompatible, and that make-up sex was the only thing worth anticipating.  Instead of initiating a face-to-face breakup, he would rather be unhappy the rest of his life.  The only available option was a postponement, so he used a tear-filled request to convince Susan to delay the wedding until March 21, 1996, the first day of Spring.  He received another reprieve when the catering hall made an error in their reservation, and the wedding was postponed until June 1996.

Meanwhile, George furtively attempted to convince Susan to cancel the wedding.  He preyed upon Susan's self-doubt by letting her know that she could find a better man; he was caught soliciting a prostitute in the Jiffy Park storage lot; began smoking cigarettes; and asked Susan to sign a prenuptial agreement.  Nothing would change her mind.  Fortunately for George, Susan experienced an untimely death after licking 200 invitation envelopes that contained traces of a toxic substance commonly found in inexpensive adhesives.  George experienced a feeling of exhilaration and total autonomy because a serious burden was lifted off his shoulders.  He immediately contacted Marisa Tomei for a date, which was scheduled the weekend after the funeral.

Foundation.
During the placing of Susan's headstone, Jerry spoke philosophically by quoting
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
.  In his banter, he claimed that Susan was not really dead if they found a way to remember her.  The Rosses decided to create the Susan Ross Foundation to preserve her memory, and asked George to serve on the board of directors, along with Foundation Chairman Wyck Thayer.

When the Susan Ross Foundation offered an academic scholarship, George interviewed high school students and promoted Steven Koren, president of the state champion chess club, and aspiring architect.  Steven enjoyed sports, television, and had a 2.0 grade point average.  George anticipated Steven being everything that George claimed to be and more, but reneged when Steven revealed his desire to become a city planner (because architects are merely art school dropouts).  After losing the scholarship, Steven joined the Van Buren Boys gang to exact vengeance upon George.

Over time George slowly minimized his involvement in the Foundation by making excuses.  When the Susan Ross Foundation had a weekend event, George claimed he was leasing a house in the Hamptons and had to sign the papers.  According to George, he had been lying about his income for years and could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.  Elaine inadvertently revealed the deception (without schnapps), so George attempted to bluff the Rosses by taking them to the Hamptons.  When George's rouse failed, the Rosses admitted their disdain for George and blamed him for Susan's death.

* * * * *

COSMO KRAMER

Childhood & Parents

Although best known as Kramer, his birth name is Cosmo Kramer.  He was always ashamed of the forename, but in 1995 embraced the revelation.  Kramer endured a tempestuous childhood living with a drug-addicted mother and parents that were strict disciplinarians (if he was not in bed by 9:00 p.m., there was hell to pay).  At age eight, a deaf cousin lived with the family for about a year, so Kramer learned sign language.  Kramer was a member of the swim team, and at age 17 dropped out of school, ran away from home, and hopped a steamship to Sweden.  At some point he briefly enlisted in the army.  Kramer eventually earned a high school equivalency degree, and during the 1960s, was involved in radical activities that were designed to force companies out of business.

Kramer is strapped with the burden of continuing the family surname, which is on the brink of extinction.  When he visited the Bowen Fertility Clinic to monitor his potency, Kramer was diagnosed with a low sperm count.  He was forced to forego silk jockeys and began wearing boxer shorts.  He hated boxers because they rise and bag up, and he was flipping and flopping all over the place.  He needed the secure packaging of jockeys--his boys need a house.  Kramer decided to abandon the boxers for the au naturale approach–to be free and unfettered, like a naked innocent boy roaming the countryside.

Kramer was never very close to his mother, Babs, and often went years without speaking to her.  In 1995, Kramer claimed that he had not spoken to his mother in five years; however, in 1992 he mentioned that she was visiting his apartment.  They do not see eye to eye and he still harbors a lot of pain from a traumatic childhood.  Apparently her behavior never changed--when Jerry called she was drunk and listening to opera music.  Babs was employed as a matron, handing out towels in a restaurant powder room, until Kramer convinced her to quit so they could become business partners.

At one time Babs was dating Albert Pepper, a man with an extensive wardrobe and popular with ladies.  Babs was a nasty woman with a fat stomach and orthopedic hose up to her knees; a drunken stumblebum who walked around the apartment half-naked drinking Colt 45 from a can, smoking cigarettes, and addicted to drugs.

In 1989 Babs found Albert's jacket in her apartment and gave it to Kramer.  Kramer refused to relinquish the garment because it had magical powers over women, and according to Kramer, a statue (not statute) of limitations should apply after two years.  Albert eventually recovered the jacket, but was sent to prison for mail fraud, so Kramer concocted a plan to retrieve the garment.  Eventually, Kramer's love for Cuban cigars compelled him to visit the Cuban embassy and trade the jacket for illegal smokes.

Personal

According to George, Kramer's whole life is a fantasy camp.  People should pay $2,000 to live his life for a week--do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off neighbors and have sex without dating.

Kramer has two aliases.  The first is H.E. Pennypacker, a wealthy American industrialist looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru.  Kramer used the alias to assist Elaine in bankrupting a Mayan store by pricing everything under 99 cents.  He resurrected the persona, claiming to be a wealthy industrialist, philanthropist and bicyclist, and fabricated being a prospective buyer of a $1.5 million condominium so he could use the bathroom.

The other alias is Martin (or Peter) Van Nostrand.  Using this identity, Kramer has undertaken a variety of personas.  He has been an actor auditioning for the part of Kramer in the "Jerry" pilot; the fiancé of Wanda Pepper to acquire a jacket with special powers of allurement; a physician screening persons for skin cancer; and a doctor from the Hoffermeindorf Neuer Clinic in Belgium or the Netherlands to retrieve Elaine's medical chart.

Kramer does not condone circumcisions.  He considers it a barbaric ritual where the boy's first memory is his parents watching a stranger chop off his manhood and then serving a catered lunch.  Moreover, according to Kramer, an uncircumcised penis makes sex more pleasurable and concerns about hygiene are a myth.

Kramer practices shiatsu and was class champion in Kenpo Karate.  Of course, the other classmates were 9-year-olds, but at the same skill level.  According to Kramer, it is not the opponent's size that matters, it is their ferocity.

Kramer has two storybook versions of the Cain and Abel saga: 1) they were partners in a drywall business; or 2) Cain was a successful doctor but became Mr. Abel when he drank a special formula.

Other miscellaneous information: Kramer is afraid of mice; he would like to name his child "Isosceles;" he believes that Damien, from
The Omen
, was just a mischievous, rambunctious boy; Kramer is a stickler for following rules--without rules there is chaos, and good manners are the glue of society.

Psychological Profile

Jerry refers to Kramer as a pod because he is not normal and does not feel awkward, uncomfortable or inhibited in certain situations.  Kramer does not have a conscience and does not consider other people's feelings.  He is forthright about stating the obvious, and brutally honest when mentioning the unspeakable truth.  Kramer is like Lex Luthor with the proficient use of his mind for nonconstructive purposes.

In 1991 Jerry's girlfriend, Nina, painted Kramer's portrait.  Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong paid $5,000 for the artwork entitled, "The Kramer," despite their diverse perspectives on the subject: Mrs. Armstrong sensed a great vulnerability--a man-child crying out for love, an innocent orphan in the post-modern world, a personal struggle that was man's struggle--he transcended time and space, and lifted her spirits; whereas Mr. Armstrong viewed Kramer as a parasite, a sexually depraved miscreant seeking only to gratify his most immediate urges, a loathsome offensive brute that sickened him, yet he could not look away.

While visiting the zoo, a chimpanzee named Barry threw a banana peel in Kramer's face and then laughed.  Kramer reciprocated with a banana peel to the back of Barry's head.  Thereafter, Barry experienced depression, loss of appetite, and curtailed autoerotic activities.  Zoo officials asked Kramer to apologize but he viewed himself as the innocent primate.  When Kramer finally apologized, Barry squirted water in his face.

Gambling Addiction

Kramer has a history of losing money at Bally's in Atlantic City and the horse track.  Despite having the gambling addiction under control, he had several relapses.  In 1992, while riding the subway, Kramer overhears an inside tip on a horse race to bet on Pappernick, and immediately exited the subway to find an off-track betting station.  The horse wins to race, and he is nearly robbed after collecting his winnings.

Three years later, Kramer met Earl Haffler at the La Guardia airport Diplomats Club.  Earl was waiting for a flight to Houston, so they passed time wagering on airplane arrival and departure times.  Kramer lost $3,200, and contacted Newman to ante collateral of equivalent value--the mail bag of David Berkowitz, Son of Sam.  Kramer won the bet, until Earl discovered that Jerry Seinfeld caused the delay.