Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (27 page)

Play Now attempted to compel a voluntary resignation by turning up the heat to sweat him out, sandblasting his office, installing asbestos, barricading his office, and possibly poisoning his food.  When this failed, Mr. Thomassoulo reluctantly offered a six-month severance pay, but George refused.  After 14 days of employment, the company filed for bankruptcy, and George was unemployed.

Costanza & Son

George's father, Frank Costanza, established Costanza & Son, an in-home computer sales business, and hired his son as a telemarketer, along with George's childhood nemesis, Lloyd Braun.  Frank decided to have a sales contest with the winner receiving a Waterpik and the loser being fired.  To win the contest, George devised a plan to buy the computers himself, store them in Kramer's apartment, and then return the merchandise after Lloyd was fired.  Despite winning, the business teetered on the brink of bankruptcy after Kramer destroyed the computers in a fit of rage.

Kruger Industrial Smoothing

In 1998 George was hired by Kruger Industrial Smoothing, which used grinders, sanders and whetstones to restore tarnished statues.  Kruger had the unenviable distinction of botching the Statue of Liberty restoration project, and in Lafayette Square a statue head was reduced to the size of a softball.  According to George, it was the perfect job--a disorganized company, no management leadership--he could go hog-wild without recourse.

Shortly after being hired, George noticed a Kruger family photograph with George in the background.  In the summer of 1989, George was returning from the surf when all his belongings--clothes, towel, and umbrella--were floating in the ocean.  He screamed at some kids and threw their boom box into the water.  The kids' father, Kruger, demanded payment, so George offered a fake address and left.  Fearful that the photograph would jog Kruger's memory, George airbrushed the picture but the Flash Foto employee removed Kruger instead of George.  To correct the mistake, George shrewdly arranged an office skin cancer screening to photograph Kruger's bare chest and insert the picture into the family photo.  Kramer posed as Dr. Van Nostrand, a Juilliard-trained dermatologist, and diagnosed Kruger with squamous cell carcinoma.  George replaced the photograph without incident, and then discovered that the Kruger family intentionally threw George's belongings into the ocean.

Around Christmas time, George avoids giving gifts to coworkers by allegedly making a donation in their names to the Human Fund ("Money For People").  Kruger decided to donate $20,000 to the fund, and George contemplated starting a charity because he would be a kick-ass philanthropist.  People would have to beg for money, and after receiving some, they would owe him big time!  When Kruger discovered the Human Fund did not exist, George confided that he gave fake gifts because he does not celebrate Christmas, he celebrates Festivus.

During office meetings, George usually has one good comment and then blows it.  Jerry offers a lesson in showmanship--to leave on a high note--and soon everyone believes George is hilarious.  Based on George's wit, and the fact that other coworkers are boring, Kruger assigns him to a company project.  Ironically, Kruger wastes time, and George is forced to work.

Relationships

George's psyche is divided into two personas: Independent George and Relationship George.  The former represents his typical behavior with his friends--deceitful and bawdy; whereas the latter is a persona exhibited around his girlfriend.  If the two worlds collide, then Relationship George will kill Independent George.  A George divided against itself cannot stand.

George only said, "I love you," three times.  Twice to Sienna (she did not reciprocate) and once to a dog (that licked himself and left the room).

When it comes to women, George has a better rapport with mothers than daughters.  If he could talk with mothers and sleep with daughters, then he would have the ideal relationship.  George's ideal woman has thick lustrous dark hair, good cheeks with a pinkish hue and rosy glow, and full, pouty lips.  She must be sweet, but not too sweet that it makes him throw up.

George is very good at talking to women on the phone.  In fact, he flirts with telephone operators, and almost made a date with one.  According to George, if two telephones were on the dinner table, every date would be great.

George's life ambition is to have sex with a woman that is 6'5."  He has always been attracted to cleaning women and chambermaids, and would be best with a mute or a woman who does not speak English.  He fulfilled part of this list by having sex with his cleaning lady and a Portuguese waitress.

George was 23 years old when he first French-kissed.  He thinks the G-spot is a myth, and his entire life is based upon knowing that "D" is the biggest bra cup size.

George is like a sexual camel.  He can abstain from sex for six weeks relying solely upon the prospect of sex in the future.  However, when he finally succumbs to temptation, disaster often occurs.  In one incident, he was alone at his parents' house at 3 o'clock in the afternoon appreciating a
Glamour
magazine.  When George’s mother witnessed his self-gratification, he vowed permanent abstinence, and even held a contest with his friends.  Although George remained King of the County and claimed victory in the self-love competition, over five years later he admitted cheating.

Ever since childhood, George knew that one day he would have problems with impotence, so he has been waiting for it to happen.  At age 33, before outgrowing the problems of puberty, he began experiencing sexual problems from old age.  George completely skipped healthy adulthood and went from having rapid orgasms to prolonged performance.  According to George, he never had a normal orgasm.

George is homophobic.  He does not like to sit next to a man on an airplane because their knees might touch, and is especially paranoid about receiving massages from a man--he might enjoy it too much and it could get sexual.  According to George, the test for homosexuality is when another man makes
IT
move.  Despite an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality, George questioned his sexuality after a massage from a male therapist caused his penis to move, and then men began appearing in his sexual fantasies.

In another bizarre homophobic twist, George dated a woman who resembled Jerry.  Kramer postulated about a subconscious love for Jerry, so George tried to find some other commonality for the romantic relationship besides physical appearance.  When she trimmed her hair short, he could not deny the resemblance and was forced to break up with her.

Despite sexual reservations and homophobia, George perceives Joe DiMaggio as handsome, and after considerable thought, concludes that Kramer is very attractive.  George finds lesbianism tantalizing and fascinating, and senses that all lesbians look at him and think, "That is why I am not heterosexual."  He respects the fact that they do not want men, and if he had known that Susan Ross was lesbian, he never would have broken up with her.

According to George, every woman on the face of the Earth has complete control over his life, yet he wants them all and is willing to say almost anything to obtain them.  George once told a woman that he coined the phrase "pardon my French" and that he enjoys spending time with his family.  One serious flaw in his dating approach is an innate compulsion to tell women how he feels.

The sexual mystique of George Costanza is like a television commercial jingle: at first a little irritating, but after hearing it a few times you begin humming the melody, and by the third date it is a catchy tune.  Thus, George attempts to arrange at least three dates so he is always prepared to leave something behind.  If there is any doubt about a second date, he leaves some personal effect in her apartment, which becomes the perfect excuse for another meeting/date.

When asking a woman for a date, George has to get into a mental state like karate guys preparing to break bricks.  When speaking to a woman, George prefers to eat an apple to disguise his nervousness and appear more casual.

Some of the most superficial reasons for breaking up with a woman: losing at chess, sucking on a masticated peach pit, the woman living in Queens and he did not want to cross the bridge, and using the expression, "Happy, Pappy?"

Dating Philosophy

According to George, women always like their confidante more than the person they date, and it is just a matter of time before both realize that
they
can have sex.  No one wants to be with someone that loves them; they want to be with someone that does not like them.  Moreover, women do not want nice guys.  They dislike needy guys and would rather have a take-charge guy--a colonel, kaiser, or czar.  In other words, to impress women, less desirable men have to be funny; they always have to put on a big show, otherwise women gravitate toward better looking men with more money.

Romantic weekend get-togethers are comparable to a dating decathlon.  If arranged too early in the romance, it will inevitably kill the relationship.  Moreover, birthdays are relationship killers.  If a relationship is having any problems, a birthday will always illuminate the weaknesses.

George would rather date someone blind than deaf because he could let his appearance and household deteriorate.  Moreover, a good-looking blind woman would never know that she is too good for him.  George prefers double dating because he is more relaxed and humorous--it is a good personality showcase because the woman observes him interacting with friends and exhibiting his non-date personality.  Naturally, George prefers afternoon dates because there is less pressure.

George believes that condoms are for single men, and the day he becomes engaged is the day he abandons condoms forever.  George hates condoms because he cannot get the wrapper open in time (probably because he opens the package like a bag of potato chips).  It is like playing "Beat the Clock" because of the time limit and intense pressure.

George wonders whether it is cheating if an engaged man has sex with a prostitute.  He figures they would never see each other again so it should not matter.  Although he may solicit a prostitute, George would not be able to participate in an orgy, and is unsure whether he could have sex with a virgin because women always remember the first time.  If George became a porno actor, he would call himself Buck Naked.

George tried everything imaginable to meet a woman, such as Brentano's bookstore (the best place to meet women), and he even tried a singles weekend in the Poconos.  According to George, all great couples have a great story about how they met, and since he never had a good meeting story, he never sustained a long-term relationship.  Picking up a woman in the elevator would be a great story but it is like dismantling a time bomb--you have less than 60 seconds.

George believes that attractive women walk faster than everyone else.  The better looking they are the faster they walk.  He also believes that they belong to a secret tribe and live in a forbidden city; a city that has banned men like George for thousands of years.

George has no stomach for breakups so he prefers to end the relationship over the telephone.  His best breakup line is the one he invented, "it's not you, it's me."  George used the line on Patrice, an accountant and former highly-placed official with the IRS, who has a passion for creating papier-mâché hats that hang on the wall.  When she insisted upon the truth, he illuminated her many flaws in great detail, and she immediately entered Woodhaven, a depression clinic.  Ironically, Gwen uses the same breakup line on George, which was the most upsetting part of the relationship termination.

Romantic Encounters

Marlene is beautiful and has the most alluring southern drawl.  She asked George for a date, seduced him, and then indicated that she loved him.  George wanted to love her but just could not bring himself to do it.  He eventually broke up with her in the kitchen, which was extremely risky because knives were easily accessible.

Carol took the initiative by asking George upstairs for coffee but he declined because caffeine keeps him awake at night.  After realizing his erroneous interpretation--that coffee really meant sex--he left an explanatory message on her answering machine.  When she did not return the call, each day George left an increasingly irate message.  When he discovered that she was in the Hamptons all week, George waited outside her apartment so he could gain access and switch the answering machine tape.  Despite an elaborate plan, she already heard the messages and thought they were hilarious.

In 1988 George had one date with Elaine's friend, Leslie, a performance artist, which was the worst date of his life.  He attended a show where she was cooking dinner for some God and suddenly threw a large can of chocolate syrup on George's new red shirt.  He thought it was intentional because she never apologized and left the theater with somebody else without saying goodbye.  Three years later George concocted an embarrassing revenge speech, but the plan was thwarted when Jerry was publicly humiliated by a former date.

Tatiana had a small apartment with a bathroom adjacent to the bedroom.  While commencing their first act of romantic intimacy, George had an uncontrollable intestinal urge that required bathroom privacy.  He indicated that it would be best if he left her apartment, and it took three days before she agreed to see him.

Monica was pursuing a masters degree in education, and her research project involved George taking an IQ test.  Since Monica lived close to Jerry's apartment, George handed the test out the window to Elaine so she could inflate the results.  When the duplicitous scheme failed twice, Monica terminated the relationship.

Despite the fact that Audrey would be out of George's league, her gargantuan nose kept him in the game.  He encouraged rhinoplasty surgery, which resulted in severe dents due to a collapsing paranasal sinus cavity.  After reconstruction of the septum, Audrey became ravishing and immediately discarded George to date Kramer.