Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (28 page)

Although George claims that he could not live with himself if he caused a marital breakup, he once had an affair with a married woman.  Elaine's friend, Robin, was impressed when George said, "God bless you" after her sneeze.  George decides to have an affair because it would not cost any money.  When Robin’s husband threatens to sew George's ass to his face and twist his neck so hard his lips would become his eyebrows, George promptly leaves town until things cool down.

The most fun George ever had was doing crossword puzzles in bed with classical pianist Noelle.  Although she had the upper hand in their relationship, George implemented a preemptive breakup to shift the balance of power.  The plan worked perfectly, until she discovered that Elaine embarrassed Noelle by interrupting her during a concert recital.

Allison mentioned suicide whenever George broached the subject of a relationship breakup.  Every effort failed--pretending to be Jerry's homosexual lover and a porno star--until she found another lover, Susan Ross, George's ex-fiancée.

Betsy has difficulty hearing in her right ear, so she always sits to George's right.  They had nine dates without being intimate because George could not go left to put his arm around her.  When Betsy's aunt Clarisse died, George hoped to advance the relationship by consoling her--it was like ten dates in one and conferred instant boyfriend status.  The relationship ended when he double-dipped a potato chip and had a physical altercation with Betsy's brother, Timmy.

George loved Karen but she found a risotto dinner more satisfying than his oral sex technique.  The last time he was below the equator she gave him the tap--the sexual equivalent to a baseball manager going to the mound and asking the pitcher for the ball.  Naturally, George believes she is faking orgasms, which causes him to experience impotence.  When a mango offers the necessary energy boost to improve his performance, Karen moans ecstatically.  Naturally, George accuses her of faking, so she kicks him out of bed.  Although Karen gives George a second chance, the relationship ends when he obsesses over convincing Jerry's girlfriend to like him.

Sexual performance was another faux pas when George began dating 5'4" Nancy Klopper.  His sexual skills were so pathetic that she did her nails while making love.  George consulted with Jerry who reluctantly revealed "the move."  Unfortunately, George could not remember the complicated technique, so he used cheat notes, which did not enthralled Nancy.

Sasha was the only woman that George encouraged to order any menu item, regardless of price.  Unfortunately, she broke up with him because of religious differences.  Sasha is Latvian Orthodox and her devoutly religious parents forbade her from becoming involved with anyone of a different faith.  Despite George converting to Latvian Orthodox, Sasha was not ready for commitment, and moved to Latvia to live with relatives for a year.

George had the most incompatible relationship with Daphne Bauer but continued dating her out of spite (his friend Packiderm told Daphne that George would break her heart).  George was destined to prove otherwise, but ironically, Daphne ended the relationship to date Packiderm.

George's next girlfriend (Robin) was a waitress at the Improv and a single parent with one child (Ben).  During a birthday party, a grease fire erupted in the kitchen and George dashed toward the door, knocking over everyone in his way.  Although he tried to justify his actions as heroic, it was a veiled attempt to disguise his cowardice.  As expected, George exhibited a similar act of “heroism” when prop comic Ronnie Kaye wielded a toy gun at the comedy club.  In an unrelated act of true heroism, George actually extinguished a fire at a restaurant, when the busboy, Antonio, accidentally placed a menu too close to a candle.

George envisions a weekend in the Hamptons to facilitate a sexual dalliance with Jane--agreeing to go is like signing a letter of intent.  When Jerry's girlfriend observes George naked after swimming in the pool, he tries to explain cold water shrinkage (the penis responds like a frightened turtle).  The weekend concludes prematurely when Jane discovers that George has an undersized penis.

A relationship with Julie was particularly memorable because it deteriorated over the purchase of a big salad.  Julie is educated, and enjoys reading Anna Quindlen's column,
Safire
, and Bob Herbert of the
Daily News
.  When she accepts a "thank you" for purchasing Elaine's big salad, George set the record straight, which prompts Julie to terminate their relationship.

Lindsay Enright found George's stupidity charming, and they became members of a book club.  Despite impressing her mother with discussions about the importance of family, George was caught nibbling on an éclair that was in the garbage.  He finagled a second chance but Lindsay's mother observed George cleaning a car windshield like a vagrant.  Strike three occurred at a family gathering when George exited the bathroom without wearing a shirt.

George quickly advances to a model, Nina, who has an incredible appetite, yet remains ultra-thin.  He suspects bulimia because she always visits the bathroom immediately after dining.  The eating disorder was not really the issue--George was furious about paying for her meals because he was literally throwing money down the toilet.  Naturally, the relationship ends when he schemes to catch her in the act of “refunding,” and then wrongfully accuses her of having an eating disorder.

There is some concern when George's new girlfriend (Bonnie) has a male roommate (Scott Thomas) who is physically comparable to George.  Inevitably, George’s jealousy prompts Bonnie to evict Scott, who moves across town to 205 West End Avenue, apartment #25U.  Naturally, George begins fretting over being "The Man" in the relationship, so he tries to find a way out of the entanglement.  His perfect plan is asking Bonnie and Scott if they are interested in a ménage à trois, and to George's chagrin, they are enthusiastic about the proposition.

Romance blossomed after Elaine introduces George to an art class colleague, Paula, but problems arise when he discovers one of her doodles--a caricature of George with distorted and grotesque features--a troll-like figure that resembles Mr. Magoo.  Despite finding the perfect woman, who indicates that looks are not important to her, he ends the relationship after witnessing Paula sucking on his discarded Mackinaw peach pit.

By 1996, George develops the perfect pickup line for attracting women--carrying a photograph of an attractive woman and pretending she is his deceased fiancée.  George tested the theory on Amanda, a receptionist at Brandt-Leland Investments, by using a picture of Jerry's girlfriend, Gillian.  Amanda took George to the forbidden city (a meat-packing plant), where he was introduced to all of her model friends.  When a hair dryer melted Gillian's picture, George could not find a replacement photograph and was subsequently banned from the forbidden city.

A saleswoman, Heather, intrigued George because she conjures images of Marisa Tomei.  He accompanied her on several errands to slowly condition her into liking him.  Upon realizing that he may not get another date, George purposely leaves a sable hat in her apartment to force another meeting.  Heather denies having the hat, so he steals her bedroom clock to force another rendezvous.  Although she slowly became attracted to him, the relationship withered when Heather discovered George’s furtive deception.

Louise contracted mononucleosis and imposed a six-week ban on their sexual activity.  Abstinence converted George into an intellectual--watching documentaries, becoming a "Jeopardy!" whiz, learning the Portuguese language, mastering Rubic's Cube, and reading books.  When Louise was prepared to resume the physical part of their relationship, George decided that he could better serve humanity by abstaining.

One of George's most dangerous romances involved Celia Morgan, a prison librarian inmate convicted of embezzlement.  The relationship was ideal: George always knew her location, there was limited competition, no concern about the pop-in, and if everything worked out he could receive conjugal visits.  After two years in prison, Celia was eligible for early parole, but George wanted the relationship to remain unchanged, so he purposely sabotaged the hearing.  Celia was furious about the denial of parole so she escaped from prison, and introduced George to the heightened passion of fugitive sex.

In anticipation of the impending Yankees gala ball, George found the ideal woman, Allison.  She was genetically engineered for a perfect entrance at a ball--tall, blonde and lithe.  When she informed George that they needed to talk, he purposely avoided her to postpone the inevitable breakup.  Unfortunately, Kramer delivered the breakup news, but had a spectacular entrance at the ball.

Danielle mistook George for her boyfriend, Neil, because they look alike (though George is a little taller and in better shape).  George became infatuated with Neil's ability to attract such a beautiful woman, and asked Danielle for
his
telephone number.  She eventually broke up with Neil to date George, but a severe blueberry crepe burn prompted Danielle to reconcile with Neil and accompanying him to a clinic in England.

Marcy is notorious for utilizing the succinct phrase, "yada, yada, yada."  When George tired of the aphorism and insisted upon hearing the entire story, Marcy explained that she shoplifted a Piaget watch at Bloomingdale’s, and purposely failed to pay for a massage and facial.  The relationship ends after another shopping expedition, and "yada, yada, yada," Marcy is scheduled to be released from jail in six to eight months.

George created a fantasy world to spend more time with Mary Anne, an employee of the New York City Visitor's Center.  He claimed to be a tourist from Little Rock, Arkansas, who owned a three-legged dog named Willie, and worked as a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken.  Naturally, Mary Anne did not want to get serious with someone living in Arkansas, so George feigned moving to The Big Apple.  She thought New York would eat him alive, and when it did, she broke up with him.

Cheryl Fong is a Chinese-American attorney working for a general practice law firm, and is known as "The Terminator" because she never lost a case.  She thought George was hilarious, but became attracted to Jerry's dark, disturbing personality.  When George revealed that Jerry's behavior was an act, Cheryl was not impressed with the deception, and dumped George.

Maura was a girlfriend that George could not discard.  Despite the fact that he did not really like her, did not find her attractive, wanted to sleep with a lot of other women, and she had the irritating habit of talking to her food, Maura refused to accept his attempted breakup.  After repeated efforts, she was not convinced that a breakup was appropriate because George's arguments were rambling and flimsy.  To facilitate a breakup, George had an affair with Loretta, a Kruger secretary who had a crush on him.  (George never dated her because she is tan year-round.)  Unfortunately, Loretta also wanted to build a serious relationship.  When both women met, they decided that their association with George was too important and they could work through the love triangle dilemma.  George decided to pay them $55 each to break up with him.

To set the mood for romance, Tara burned vanilla incense, but the aroma only made George (a.k.a. the Fornicating Gourmet) hungry.  Thus, he attempted to incorporate food into their lovemaking--strawberries, chocolate sauce, and pastrami on rye with honey mustard.  She drew the line with strawberries and chocolate sauce, and broke up when he incorporated television into their intimate sessions.  Fortunately, George found the ideal woman, Elaine's friend Vivian, who also enjoyed mixing his three passions--food, sex and television.  She considered pastrami the most sensual of all cured meats, and after an orgiastic feast, George was selected as the guardian for her son (Jimmy).

Miranda was furious when George inadvertently killed a few pigeons and accidentally maimed a squirrel.  She insisted upon veterinarian treatment, even though a euthanasia procedure only cost 80 cents.  George succumbed to her pressure, and ended up providing in-home care, including medicinal feedings six times a day and keeping the tail elevated.  More importantly, George was concerned that the squirrel would wait until he was sleeping and gnaw his brain.

Blind Dates

George is reluctant to accept blind dates because it is one step above personal ads.  Nevertheless, while leafing through the communist
Daily Worker
newspaper, he was intrigued by the latter: "Exciting, uninhibited woman seeks forward-thinking comrade.  Appearance not important."  George answered the ad and arranged a date with Natalie.  Although the result of his initiative is unknown, George's employer accused George of being a communist.

In another romantic gamble, George accepted a blind date with Elaine's bulimic friend, Cynthia, who was intelligent, humorous, and attractive with long dark hair, enviable eyebrows, a nice personality and good body.  George loved her voice timbre and believed she could do voice-over commercials.  On their first date they had sex in the kitchen because George considered it the most sociable room in the house.

George arranged a blind date with Kramer's ex-girlfriend (Denise), and used a police composite sketch artist to reconstruct her appearance.  After a pleasant two-hour conversation, George wore a toupee, and was shocked when
she
was bald.  Hypocritically, George contemplated rejecting Denise because of her baldness, but in a bitter irony, she rejected George because he was overweight.

Susan Ross

The most serious romantic relationship involved Susan Ross.  She was 5'3" tall, approximately 100 pounds, with great skin that had a rosy glow and pinkish hue.  She used the Today Sponge birth control, liked the sitcom "Mad About You" and the movie
The Muted Heart
, and owned a doll collection worth $2.6 million.  Susan was a high-paid NBC executive until George had her fired in 1992.

Susan's best friend was Hallie, and her college roommate was Sally Weaver, who lived in Memphis and worked as an executive for Federal Express.  In 1995 Sally moved to New York to pursue a comedic acting career.  When Jerry Seinfeld advised her to quit because she was untalented, Sally wrote a 60-minute, one-woman act showcasing Jerry Seinfeld as the devil.  The show was a success--her performances at the Samuel Beckett Theatre were sold-out weeks in advance, and she was offered a cable special.