Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (31 page)

According to Kramer, facial features are his livelihood; everything he has is due to his face, which provides an inexplicable allurement and twinkle.  Kramer is comfortable with his body, and not only offers to disrobe for the painting of his portrait, but also brazenly reverses the peephole to his apartment.  Despite admitting that he may look weird, Kramer claims he is normal, and usually cool and charming.  In fact, Kramer believes he should be involved in a bachelor auction for charity because he could raise enough money to cure polio.  On the other hand, George's mother thinks he is crazy and a real troublemaker.

Elaine describes Kramer as a tall, lanky doofus with a bird face and hair like the bride of Frankenstein.  Californian Helene describes him as very handsome, passionate, and intense, but troubled and strange.  Executives at Calvin Klein perceive Kramer as having an interesting face, very alive and graceful, sexual with sublime buttocks, a lean but muscular physique, and athletic without a hint of self-consciousness.

Kramer is always on the cutting edge of fashion: wearing an eye patch to emulate a one-eyed policeman; wearing eye glasses to enervate his stagnating appearance, and even contemplates buying a wheelchair for a new look.  Kramer does not carry a wallet because it is bad for the spine and throws the hips off-kilter.  Instead, he carries a money clip with the large bills ($5) on the outside, and stores the remaining bills in the freezer.

Kramer wears a size 42 jacket, and has a hard time finding pants that do not make him look high-waisted.  He used to wear jeans all the time, and tries to prove that he still has a figure like a taut pre-teen Swedish boy.  He squeezes into a pair of slim-fit jeans that are so skin tight that he cannot bend at the pelvis or knees, and walks like Frankenstein.

Known for his unique clothing attire, Kramer hand-selects most of his garments at Rudy's Antique Boutique, a used clothing store that purchases clothing from the relatives of recently deceased elderly people.  However, Kramer also shops at Cinco de Mayo because his friend Marcelino is 1/64th Mayan, and frequently receives numerous hand-me-downs from Jerry.

Of all the garments, Kramer's unequivocal favorite is a jacket with magical powers of allurement.  At first he schemes to steal the coat from a man his mother used to date.  Elaine pretends to be the jacket owner's Californian daughter, Wanda Pepper, while Kramer plays her fiancé, Peter Van Nostrand.  The jacket helps Kramer obtain Audrey who underwent successful rhinoplasty surgery.

Kramer also enjoys shopping at the duty-free shop because he is a sucker for a good price.  He buys bargain T-shirts at Crazy Shirts (a dozen shirts for a buck), and volume discount groceries at the Price Club.  Kramer owns a beltless trench coat, a pair of Jimmy's training shoes, a squire's walking stick, and always wears jockey shorts.

Kramer loves wearing piping-hot clothes straight from the dryer.  After running out of quarters, he uses Jerry's oven to bake his shirt for 10 minutes at 325 degrees.  He even tries using a pizza oven but his clothes are over-baked.

Although he does not have the hands of a model, Kramer does pamper his palms.  He uses two hand lotions: Saks Fifth Avenue in Miami, and Barney's super-hydrating, total-protection, triple-action moisturizer with UVA.

Apartment

In 1972 Kramer lived on 3rd Avenue and 18th Street.  The rent was $480 per month, and his roommate, John Grossbard, was always late with the payment.  One month he borrowed rent from Kramer, and then disappeared with the cash.  Kramer searched for Grossbard, and then twenty years later exacts his pound of flesh after locating him at John F. Kennedy airport.  In 1979, Kramer was living in the village and later that year moved into his current residence at 321 West 81st Street, apartment 5B.

In 1997 Kramer retires and moves to Florida.  He becomes the next-door neighbor of the Seinfelds, who notify him of the vacancy when Mr. Kornstein dies.  Kramer runs for president of the Del Boca Vista Condo Association with Morty Seinfeld who is hoping to install a puppet regime so he can wield power from behind the scenes.  A scandal arises the day before the election when Kramer violates an association rule by going barefoot in the clubhouse.  For damage control, he offers the condo board members a free tip calculator, the Willard, a cheap imitation of the Wizard, which he purchased from Bob Sacamano's father.  When the calculator proves inaccurate and condominium members start over-tipping, Kramer loses the election.

In the early episodes, Kramer did not have an apartment number on his door and in 1986 the name on his intercom system was Kessler.  Thereafter, he lived in apartment 5B, with stained floors and fake wood wallpaper because he likes to surround himself in wood like a log cabin or ski lodge.  At one point, Kramer contemplates discarding his furniture and building different levels with carpeting and a lot of pillows, like ancient Egypt.  In 1997 Kramer remodels his apartment with the old set from the "Merv Griffin Show" and slept backstage.  Every visitor to his apartment becomes a guest on the show, and Kramer spends ten hours per day preparing note cards and interviewing his friends.  When the number of guests diminished, the show format is changed to "Scandals and Animals."  In one instance, he invites Jerry to brag about drugging his girlfriend so he can play with her vintage toys; meanwhile, she is backstage listening to the admission to set the stage for their confrontation.

In 1996, after his banishment from Monk's Café for smoking cigars, Kramer meets fellow smokers on the street, and decides to turn his apartment into a smoking room, complete with filtered and non-filtered smoking sections.  The concept is a huge success--after walking in the door they were addicted!

On the apartment exterior, Kramer's bedroom window is covered in chicken wire, and at one point the Costanzas' old screen door was attached to the apartment hallway door to create the hometown atmosphere of Anytown, USA.  Kramer decorates the hallway with an American flag, Weber grill, lawn chair, wind chimes, bug zapper, and potted plants.  Unfortunately, the neighborhood children vandalize the setting with eggs and shaving cream.  Kramer also modifies the apartment door by reversing the peephole to prevent an ambush when he returns home (if someone wants to take a peek, they can get an eyeful because he is comfortable with his body).

After passing a kidney stone, Kramer removes his refrigerator and resolves to only eat fresh food.  He uses the excess storage area for clothing so he can dress while making breakfast.  In addition to not having a refrigerator, Kramer does not have a table or a stereo (he traded it for some steaks).  He is addicted to television and claims it was destroying his brain cells.  As a solution, he gives the television set to George but then begins watching television at Jerry's apartment.  Although notorious for never owning common household items and always borrowing from Jerry, Kramer did own a vacuum.  Ironically, he loaned the carpet cleaner to a neighbor (Martin) who never returned it.

Kramer's mattress is made of sand--it is like sleeping on the beach--but he cannot sleep without a quilt because he can never get in the zone.  At one time Kramer believed he was wasting too much time in bed, so after reading a book on Leonardo Da Vinci, he decides to sleep 20 minutes every three hours.  This creates an additional 2 ½ days per week, so if he lives until age 80, it would be equivalent to being 105 years old.  Initially, the plan works--his brain felt mossy and unprecedentedly fertile--but soon he is bored and extremely fatigued.

Kramer’s hot tub water is heated to 120 degrees, and during the winter he bathes with the windows open to experience life in Sweden.  When the heat pump breaks and the water temperature descends into the mid-50s, Kramer promptly purchases a mammoth, industrial strength, 16,000 BTU pump that eventually blows all the fuses in the building.

In 1991 Kramer hires two Russian immigrants to wire his apartment so he could receive illegal cable signals.  He eventually subscribes to Plaza Cable, where he accidentally receives free HBO and Showtime.  When this error is discovered, the company sends a representative (Nick Stevens) to disconnect services.  Kramer purposely avoids the man to exact revenge for an incident ten years prior when Plaza Cable made him wait all day for service.

Kramer has two telephone lines for his business: line one is 555-8383 (Jerry's telephone), and the other is 555-8643 (but too many chicks knew the number so he had to change it to 555-3455).  Ironically, the telephone call frequency increases when people inadvertently misdial while attempting to reach Movie Fone (555-FILM).  In typical Kramer style, he begins dispensing movie information to each caller.

When Kenny Rogers Roasters opens a franchise across the street, Kramer's apartment becomes illuminated by the store’s flashing red neon sign.  Kramer cannot eat or sleep, and the rods and cones in his eyes become all screwed up (he can only see a giant red sun in the shape of a chicken).  When he switches apartments with Jerry, the change in locale ultimately proves that human behavior is shaped by the physical environment, not sociologically.  Jerry begins acquiring Krameresque characteristics and mannerisms: frizzy hair, eating out of his neighbor's refrigerator, talking about his friend Bob Sacamano, and saying "giddy up."

Kramer treats Jerry's apartment as if it were his own, and considers it his personal conference room because it has a more formal atmosphere with shelves and furniture.  Kramer spends an inordinate amount of time in Jerry's apartment, even when Jerry is gone.  Ironically, when Jerry first moved into the apartment, he invited Kramer over for pizza, but Kramer declined because he did not want to impose.  Then Jerry spoke those eight most regrettable words: "Since we are neighbors, what's mine is yours."  Despite their lengthy friendship, Kramer would notify the authorities if Jerry killed someone.  Kramer also believes that Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union because he is clean and well-organized.

As a neighbor and frequent visitor, Kramer was entrusted with Jerry's only spare set of apartment keys.  However, the privilege is rescinded when he begins using the apartment for inappropriate purposes.  Kramer admits that having the keys is like living in a fantasy world; Jerry's apartment is like a vacation--better food, better view, better television, and cleaner.  This became Kramer's reality--he ignored the squalor in his own life because he was looking at life through Jerry's eyes.  Although disconcerted when Jerry relinquished the privilege, they eventually reconcile and re-exchange apartment keys.

After another burglary in the building, Kramer purchases a strong box to protect his irreplaceables: family heirloom taxidermy, Tony award, and military discharge papers.  When Jerry repeatedly finds the key stashed in his apartment, Kramer hides it in a neighbor's pet food dish, which is inevitably ingested by the parrot.  To retrieve the key, he is forced to exhume the carcass from the cemetery.

Career Aspirations

As a child, Kramer dreamed of becoming a fireman and steering the back of the hook and ladder.  If he could do it over again, he would give it all up to be a fireman.  He fulfills this dream in 1995 when a fire erupts at Leapin' Larry's appliance store, and Kramer commandeers the back of the truck.  Another childhood goal was driving an 18-wheel semi.  While watching commercials during reruns of "Gomer Pyle: U.S.M.C.," Kramer longed to hit the road as a trucker.  He fulfills this dream when a female trucker allows Kramer to double-clutch and grind the gears en route to California.

Kramer has other career aspirations as well.  He wanted to become a lawyer because of his persuasive arguing skills.  Continuing along the criminal justice lines, Kramer wanted to become a police officer but never pursued this career because he is afraid of being shot.  Finally, Kramer yearned to become a ball boy for professional tennis matches.  In 1993 he has a tryout, and is selected as the first ball man in the U.S. Open finals.  Regrettably, his debut is short-lived when he accidentally topples Monica Seles.

Business Dealings & Partnerships

Kramer's life consists of numerous aspirations but very little follow through.  He is renowned for being unemployed, yet infamous for many unique business concepts.  Kramer partakes in one of the hottest business enterprises in New York City, a nonfat frozen yogurt store, which becomes an unprecedented success until a lab analysis indicates that the product contains fat.  In another blunder, Kramer procures investors for a business venture to produce Cuban cigars.  He imports three immigrants to roll the stogies, but investors reneged when they realize the men are actually unskilled Dominicans.

Kramer is best known as being self-employed, using the corporate name Kramerica Industries.  He does not pay taxes and prefers working in the evenings.  After contacting New York University, Kramer is assigned an intern (Darin) to work at Kramerica Industries for real-world corporate experience.  Instead, Darin performs menial tasks, such as scheduling lunch appointments at Monk's Café, taking notes of conversations, opening Kramer's personal mail, doing laundry, mending chicken wire, and having tea with Mr. Newman.  Dean Jones objects to the arrangement because Kramer's entire operation is nothing more than a single man with a messy apartment, which may or may not contain a chicken.  Darin's internship is canceled but he volunteers to assist Kramer’s efforts to develop a rubber bladder for oil tankers.

Using Newman's contacts with postal workers in Hong Kong, Kramer imported a rickshaw to originate the business venture in New York City.  Kramer enlisted the homeless to pull the cart because they have an intimate knowledge of the streets and are always walking around, so they might as well be productive.  Besides Rusty having an interview and stealing the rickshaw, the venture failed when the cart crashed into Elaine's pseudo-boyfriend, Zach.

In 1990 Kramer conceives the idea where customers make their own pizza pie.  All the ingredients are provided, so the customers merely assemble the pie and bake it.  Four years later, Kramer solicits the financial backing of Poppie, and the business concept becomes a reality.  Unfortunately, the partnership quickly dissolves when Poppie refuses to allow people to select non-traditional toppings for their individual pie.