Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (23 page)

Estelle Costanza.
George's mother loves playing mah-jongg and jai alai, even though she does not gamble.  She avoids swimming, but enjoys tap dancing and watching television.  According to George, if television was taken out of the relationship with his mother, spending time with her would be pure torture.

Estelle hurt her back in a bizarre household accident--after returning from work, she caught George masturbating, and the shock of witnessing this incident caused her to faint.  She was taken to Metropolitan Hospital Center and remained in traction for several days.  In addition to a bad back, Estelle visits a chiropodist (Wendy).

Frank Costanza.
The Costanza family immigrated to America when Frank was four years old; however, one of his brothers remained in Tuscany, Italy.  Frank loved the region, and longed for the companionship of his cousin Carlo Costanza.  As children, they were inseparable, and played together every day.  Naturally, since Frank is an immigrant, he is ineligible to become president of the United States; consequently, he lost all interest in politics and refuses to vote.  Frank best remembered and most easily recognized by the unusual halting manner of his voice.

When Frank was 18 years old he had a silver dollar collection and could never bring himself to spend it.  His other hobby is collecting
TV Guide
issues, and the only flawed copy is volume 41 number 31, with Al Roker on the cover (Elaine lost it on the subway, and then dripped gyro juice on the replacement issue).

According to Kramer, Frank Costanza has a real set of hooters.  After witnessing his father’s endowment, George spent the evening throwing up; George is self-conscious about his breasts and afraid he will inherit his father's enormously large bosom.  However, after using Kramer's invention--the manssiere (a bra for men)--Frank felt ten years younger with better posture and breathing.  Once, Frank used the professional proctological service of Dr. Howard Cooperman after accidentally sitting on fusilli corkscrew pasta.  Finally, Frank is quick-tempered and has high blood pressure, which is reduced by using a relaxation technique that involves saying "Serenity Now!"

During the Korean War, Frank was an army cook for the Fighting 103rd when an unforgettable incident compelled him to abandon cooking for decades.  It was 1950, Incheon, South Korea, and the supplies were low, so he prepared 600 pounds of prime Texas steer that was three weeks past its expiration date.  Frank figured it would be fine if he used the right spices and cooked it long enough.  In a horrific display, the soldiers were keeling over, retching and screaming, and Frank sent 16 men to the latrines that night.  The next day Bobby Colby went home with a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet and had to sit on a cork for the entire 18-hour flight.

While serving in the war, Frank had a love affair with a Korean woman, Kim, but her family never accepted him because of cultural differences.  Due to a serious foot odor problem, Frank refused to remove his shoes at her parents' house.  A tumultuous argument occurred and the relationship terminated.  They reunited over 40 years later at Ruby's Salon in New York City, but the romance was short-lived when Frank tried to stop short with her, which is a Korean faux pas.

Since Frank spoke fluent Korean, after the war he periodically traveled to Korea to purchase religious artifacts, such as statues of Jesus and the Virgin Mary, which were then sold in the United States.  He once spoke to Reverend Sun Myung Moon, who bought two Jesus statues.  Frank thought Reverend Moon was a hell of a nice guy with a face like a big apple pie.

Frank loves automobiles, and would travel across the country for weeks at a time to look for a new car.  For eight years he treasured a 4-door Ford Mercury, license plate SNR 140, with special-order bench seats.  The car was in mint condition until an angry mob vandalized the vehicle because it was parked in a handicap spot.  Frank also owned a 1968 G.T.O. that was fully-stocked with an orthopedic back pillow and Fibercon.  In 1997 he wanted to purchase a Mercedes but Estelle refused to ride in a German car, so instead he bought a black Cadillac.

Frank is a member of The Knights of Columbus, and an active volunteer for the handicapped.  After raising $22,000 for the United Volunteers of Greater New York, he was unanimously chosen to win the Silver Circle Award as the organization's representative of the month.  During the ceremony he was stripped of the award after being arrested for reckless endangerment of public safety for parking in a handicap spot.  Actually, George was the culprit, and when he was unable to pay the fine, towing charge and cost of repairs, he agreed to become Frank's butler.

Frank invented the holiday Festivus because he hated the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas.  It all started when George was a child and Frank physically accosted another man who was vying for the last doll.  Frank realized there had to be another way, and invented Festivus for the rest of us.  The celebration consists of an undecorated aluminum pole (as the tree), the airing of grievances where family members discuss their disappointments in each other, and feats of strength competition.  The holiday does not conclude until someone pins Frank (though it usually ends with George crying).

Retirement.
In 1996 the Costanzas officially retired, so George tried to convince them to move to Florida where the life expectancy is 81 years of age, as opposed to 73 in Queens.  Despite numerous valid and rational reasons, the Costanzas decided to move for spite--to infuriate the Seinfelds.  George was ecstatic.  George anticipated visiting them every five years, and reaping the personal benefits of a long-distance parental relationship: the food tastes better, air seems fresher, and you have more energy and self-confidence.  Unfortunately, the ecstasy is muted when his parents remain in Queens because they could not stand to be away from their beloved son.

Although retired, Frank undertook a few business ventures.  He joined forces with Kramer to design a bra for men, the manssiere, and pitched the idea to bra manufacturer, Sid Farkus.  Although Farkus loved the idea, the enterprise faltered when he began dating Frank's wife.  Another business venture was selling computers.  Inspired by the feature film
The Net
, Frank opened an in-home computer-selling business from his garage with two employees, Lloyd Braun and George Costanza (the secret weapon).  This business also failed when Lloyd fabricated sales and George damaged the entire stock.

Despite the failed business ventures, George estimated his parents’ financial wealth to be $200,000. He began salivating at the thought of a hefty inheritance.  Unfortunately, Frank and Estelle began squandering their money because they wanted to enjoy their remaining years.  They dined at upscale restaurants, bought expensive clothes, and purchased an expensive Cadillac (the Coupe d'Elegance).

George's Relatives

Aunt Celia is the only relative that George has to kiss hello.  Aunt Baby died at age 7 from internal problems, and when George was a young man, Uncle Moe also died from internal problems.  Aunt Baby and Uncle Moe were on Frank's side of the family, and suffered early demises due to the Costanza temper and constant yelling.  Finally, George has an uncle who is an alcoholic.

George has two cousins on his mother's side of the family: Hennie, who was ill for several decades, and Shelly.  George has another cousin who works at Bouchard's, a business known for using the bouillabaisse as a toilet, and a first cousin, Rhisa, on his father's side of the family, who was George's former lover (George began dating Rhisa to cause familial commotion when his parents refused to speak to him, but she wanted to keep their relationship quiet because she believed they had a real future together).

George's grandparents are approaching 100 years of age, and whenever he visits they eat big brisket sandwiches.  According to George, the Costanza name is synonymous with the term "quitter."  His father and grandfather were quitters, and George was raised to give up.  In fact, George believes that he is a great quitter--it is one of the few things he does well.  George's other grandmother died two months sooner than expected because of the way George reacted to her ailment.  She was getting better, but after seeing his face, she quickly passed away.

Physical Appearance

George is 5'6" (but two inches taller when he wears Timberland boots).  He is described as a short, slow-witted, bald, stocky man who resembles Humpty Dumpty with a melon head, glasses, and a face with a lot of character.  Kruger describes George as a dumb-looking, pear-shaped loser.  George is quirky and funny, but also weak, spineless, and a man of temptation.  He has sensitive skin that requires a minimum of 25 SPF and PABA-free sunscreen.  Although cognizant that his physical dimensions are a little short of perfection, George claims he is worth at least $300 a night as a gigolo (Elaine thought $1).

Despite his many flaws, George's primary concern is hair loss.  He refuses to wear a hat because he is worried about the look of disappointment on a woman's face when she first sees his hairline.  Naturally, George pursued alternative hair options.  After watching a CNN report on a Chinese doctor, Dr. Zang Zhoa, who discovered a cure for baldness, George contacted the Hair Restoration Clinic in Beijing, China to order the rancid smelling cream.

When hair growth failed, George visited The Hair Team For Men for a hairpiece, which offered an air of confidence.  According to George, with his personality and a new head of hair, he was now in the game.  In fact, he accused Elaine of disliking the toupee because she lost her chance to attain George as a lover.  Elaine was incensed, and discarded the toupee (which George eventually admits was the best thing that ever happened to him).  George felt like his old self again--totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, and neurotic.  George refers to the last strands of hair on his head as the historic remains of a once great society of hair.

George believes that head-shaving is not gutsy; instead, it is really gutsy to walk around in public when you are partially bald.  George hopes that baldness will catch on, and has great expectations when the aliens arrive.  Visitors from a distant planet will easily relate to the baldies and give them the first tour of the ship.  According to George, if he was abducted by aliens and taken back to their planet, he would rather be confined to the zoo than the circus because he could set more of his own schedule and hopefully they would include a woman so he could mate.

In 1997 George grew a moustache during the Summer of George to take a vacation from himself (and avoid paying for a real vacation).  George hates facial hair because he feels like an out-of-work porn star, so he began shaving but this time with butter.

George dresses based on mood, one is labeled "morning mist."  Although it may appear that he wears similar clothes every day, within that basic framework there are subtle variations only discernable to an acute observer.  His clothes--whether it be pajamas, a gortex winter jacket, or his treasured Chicago Blackhawks jacket–reflect the many moods, shades, and sides of George Costanza.  He loves velvet, and if it was socially acceptable he would drape himself in the soft fabric.

George's most exciting life experience was slipping a mickey in his boss' drink.  It was also the first time that he ever exacted vengeance upon someone.  Another exciting experience was pretending to be Colin O'Brien, leader of the Aryan Union, and accepting a limousine ride with a stranger at the airport.

Much to George's chagrin, he has never been a bad boy.  He has been a bad friend, bad employee, bad son, bad fiancé, bad dinner guest, bad credit risk, bad date, bad sport, bad citizen, and bad tipper, but never a bad boy.  He had a brief opportunity to be a bad boy with Elaine's coworker (Anna), who is attracted to men of danger.  Elaine interfered by characterizing George as a good person, so he was forced to bootleg a movie to prove otherwise.

Personal

George is described as having one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time, and holds a grudge like Khomeini.  He also retains the self-proclaimed title, "Lord of the Idiots."

In his lifetime, George was arrested five times: shoplifting $10 in cold medicine from Selwyn's Drug Store and a $100 book from Brentano's bookstore; bootlegging a movie from a theater; urinating in public at a mall parking ramp; and criminal indifference for failing to assist a crime victim.  The latter resulted in a one-year prison term, where he was locked in cell block "D."  One noteworthy indiscretion, as a youth, George was nearly arrested for bribing an usher at a roller derby.

George dislikes his name because it lacks snap and zip, so he tried to acquire the nickname "T-Bone."  When his boss gave the sobriquet to coworker Neil Watkins from accounting, George was called "Koko the Monkey."  He protested the new appellation, and was given the nickname "Gammy."

Despite being uncomfortable, George insists upon carrying a wallet solely due to his belief that important things belong in a case, e.g., a skull for your brain, plastic sleeve for a comb, and wallet for personal effects.  George's wallet is like having a filing cabinet under half his ass, which contains Irish money, Sweet 'n Low, Pepto Bismol, hard candy, receipts, and cards for free items, to name a few.  George considers the wallet his personal organizer--a secretary and friend (albeit, an obese companion).

George does impersonations of Johnny Carson, Jose Jimenez, and Jack Nicholson from
A Few Good Men
("You can't handle the truth!").  Other talents of questionable importance include his ability to spell surnames, gnawing at his fingernails to make them so even that he does not need clippers, and according to a psychic (Rula), George has heightened ESP.

Fictional Persona

When devising a fictional name, George's first choice was Burt Harbinson, then Art Corvelay, and at the last second he forever assumed the infamous name Art Vandelay, an importer-exporter or architect.  George used the alias to engage in numerous deceptive practices, such as 1) procuring an extension on unemployment benefits (he lied about the submission of an employment application to Vandelay Industries); 2) concealing a surreptitious meeting with Marisa Tomei (he had Elaine feign a boyfriend of that name as an alibi); and 3) gaining entrance into a posh New York City town house (during the Puerto Rican Day parade he used the alias to use the bathroom).