Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (37 page)

Elaine and Peggy are the only women who share one particular office restroom, and it upset Elaine when Peggy used a seat protector.  Peggy is a germaphobe and leery of Elaine's personal hygiene because she has been with a lot of men.  When Elaine rubbed her butt on a keyboard, put a stapler under her armpit and coughed on a doorknob, Peggy became deathly ill.

Elaine was labeled "catty" when she criticized a new female accounting employee (Sam) for failing to move her arms while walking.  When Elaine offered assistance on ways to overcome the physical impairment, Sam became upset, trashed Elaine's office, and began stalking her.

Elaine accused Bob Grossberg, a new employee from business affairs, of faking deafness to avoid work assignments.  She tested the theory by sexually propositioning him behind his back.  When Peterman overheard the statements, he tried to facilitate the romance by giving them tickets to The Flying Sandos Brothers.  Bob mauled Elaine in the balcony, and she discovered that he actually wears a hearing aid.

Coworker Lou Filerman is best remembered as the sidler who sneaks up alongside Elaine to accept credit for her work.  Elaine convinces Lou to carry Tic Tacs in his pocket, but the sound causes Peterman to have flashbacks of the Haitian Voodoo Rattle Torture.  When she persuades Lou to chew gum, Elaine raids Jerry's girlfriend's vintage toys to find a Mickey Mouse gum ball machine.

Elaine was furious with the slow and untimely inter-office mail, so she scheduled an employment termination meeting with mail room supervisor Eddie Sherman.  When he arrived dressed in army fatigues and articulated psychotic thoughts, Elaine was scared to death so she promoted him to copywriter, and then director of corporate development.  In disgust, the other copywriters quit, and shortly thereafter, a competitor offered Eddie employment and doubled his salary.

When coworkers began having an office cake party for every occasion, Elaine denounced forced socializing and refused to participate.  Soon she began suffering from sugar withdrawals, so Elaine raided Peterman's refrigerator and proceeded to devour a slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson, circa 1937.  Peterman purchased the pastry at Southeby's auction for $29,000.  Elaine replaced the cake with an Entenmann replica but Irwin Lubeck, the world's foremost appraiser of vintage pastry, appraised the cake's value at $2.19.

Employment Termination.
When Elaine tested positive for opium, Peterman accused her of having a drug addiction and fired her.  After discovering that poppy seed muffins were the cause, Elaine convinced Mrs. Seinfeld to provide a urine sample.  Elaine was reinstated, but the test results indicated that she is post-menopausal, has the metabolism of a 68-year-old woman, and may have osteoporosis.

In 1997 Elaine was terminated for expressing her disdain for the movie
The English Patient
.  However, Peterman offered reinstatement if she traveled to the Tunisian desert where the movie was filmed.

Employment - Other Occupations

Elaine applied for a waitress position at Monk's Café because she believed the restaurant discriminated against small-breasted women.  She offered an impeccable résumé and was denied employment.  Elaine filed a complaint with the EEOC and then confronted the owner, Mr. Visaki, who revealed that the waitresses are his daughters, Sophia and Peggy.

After a horrendous interview at Bantam Doubleday Dell, Elaine received a second chance a few months later when Jocelyn Landis observed Elaine playing racquetball and intimated that she exhibited a lot of grace.  Elaine was told to keep in touch because there may be an opening in a few weeks.  As an act of good faith, she loaned Jocelyn an expensive tennis racket, but her furtive efforts to retrieve the racket diminished Elaine's chance at future employment.

Elaine's friend Judy recommended Elaine for an editorial position at Viking Press.  Elaine was given an unpublished manuscript and asked to offer insightful criticism.  When the literary work was locked in Jerry's fumigated apartment, Elaine relied upon Kramer to analyze the manuscript.  According to Kramer, it was a story of love, deception, greed, lust and unbridled enthusiasm; enthusiasm that led to Billy Mumfree's downfall.  Billy was a simple country boy, a cockeyed optimist, who became entangled in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.  Viking Press executive Mr. Mandel was impressed with her astute analysis, but appalled by the outrageous bill she accumulated while staying at the Plaza Hotel.  (Actually, it was Jerry's relatives who stayed at the hotel, and trashed the premises.)

When Elaine could not decipher a cartoon in
The New Yorker
magazine, she consulted with the cartoon editor for an explanation.  When he finally admitted that the satire did not make any sense, Elaine was asked to submit a cartoon for publication.  After toiling over one piece, she submitted the following: a pig is standing at the complaint department window and says, "I wish I was taller."  Jerry suggested, "I can't find my receipt, my place is a sty."  Kramer offered the blunt response, "My wife is a slut."  Peterman ultimately recognized the humor as a plagiarized Ziggy cartoon.

Relationships - Generally

Elaine uses a diaphragm and Today Sponge for contraception.  She keeps the former in her purse just in case it is needed, and was frenzied when the latter was taken off the market.  Elaine searched every store in a 25-mile radius and purchased the final remaining 60 units in the entire west side.  Naturally, she became very selective in determining which men were sponge-worthy, and re-evaluated her entire screening process.

In romantic relationships, Elaine is a taking person.  However, she realizes that it is best for her to date a giving person, such as Lena Small; otherwise both parties would be taking, and it would be bedlam.  Elaine is always looking for reasons to abandon her paramour.  She loves the snub, and overall, her dating behavior is not conducive to a healthy romantic relationship.  Although Elaine would like to have a baby, she does not anticipate getting married.  Despite this pessimistic view of modern romance, Elaine and Kramer have a permanent wedding engagement: if neither is married by the year 2044, they will get hitched.

Although Elaine hates men, she is not a lesbian.  Elaine is a shiksa (a non-Jewish woman), which inevitably entices Jewish men because she is someone unlike their mother.  Elaine has shiksappeal, and begins attracting Jewish men--Lippman, his son, Jerry Seinfeld, and Rabbi Kirschbaum.  Lippman assumed that Elaine was looking for a man like him, so he planted a kiss on her.  When she explained that her only attraction is being non-Jewish, Lippman renounced his religion.

According to Elaine, men completely change five seconds after sex.  Something happens to their personality, like committing a crime and wanting to flee the scene before the police arrive.  The smart ones plan their getaway during dinner by claiming they have to get up early in the morning.

According to Elaine, a man's hair is very important to a woman and women do not respect men who order salads.  She believes that Charles de Gaulle is the most unattractive world leader of all time, and Golda Meir could make everyone run up a tree.  Elaine also believes that 25% of the population is good looking.

Elaine occasionally smokes cigars, yet refused to date Keith Hernandez because he smoked cigarettes.  In fact, she is known for breaking up with men for many superficial reasons: not cleaning the bathroom, not offering her pie, or failing to use an exclamation point.  Elaine believes that one of the most important parts of a relationship is being nice during the breakup.

Elaine does a spiral thing with her tongue when kissing and likes talking during sex--basic chitchat, the movies, or current events.  Elaine thinks it is romantic to convert to someone's religion for love, like Edward VIII abdicating the throne to marry Mrs. Simpson.

Since 1992 Elaine has used the same standard fake telephone number 663-5246, which spells NO ELAINE (the extra letter “E” is for eechh!).  The telephone number actually belongs to OTB horse track betting.

Relationships - Jerry

Elaine and Jerry had their first date in 1987, but the most astonishing revelation about their romance is that she faked every orgasm with him (and he never knew).  She insisted that it was not Jerry's fault, back then she never had orgasms.  They dated briefly but things did not work out.

After the breakup, in 1991 Jerry and Elaine attempted to add a sexual component to their friendship, but it inevitably failed.  As friends, they never fought, but once they became intimate there was constant turmoil.  Jerry suggested that they return to being just friends, but Elaine refused.  They began dating but somehow the romance was lost in the story line when the series returned in the fall.  However, in 1996 she had a renewed romantic interest after realizing the amount of money he earned as a comedian.  In 1997 Elaine seriously contemplated marrying the sensitive Jerry, but by the time she consented, he returned to his usual selfishness.

Relationships - David Puddy

One of the longest, albeit less serious relationships involved David Puddy.  They started an on-again off-again relationship in 1995.  Puddy is probably the only honest mechanic in New York and in 1997 was promoted to salesman at European International Motors.  Elaine enjoys dating mechanics because they have big muscular arms and are dripping with animal sexuality, like Stanley Kowalski.  Puddy is the proud owner of Ziggy bed sheets, and has a Jesus fish car ornament.  He is a recovering germaphobe and a face painter (he supports the New Jersey Devils hockey team by painting his face to resemble a devil).  Elaine decided to breakup over the incident, so Puddy agreed to forsake the ritual.  Instead of face-painting, he painted a "D" on his chest so his friends could spell "D-E-V-I-L-S."

After a two-year hiatus, they reconciled and took a month-long European vacation.  This commenced a roller coaster relationship of multiple breakups and makeups.  Elaine ended the relationship before boarding the return flight; they reconciled for two hours during the plane ride, and then broke up again before touching ground.

When Elaine and Puddy accidentally met at Monk's Café one week later, Jerry claimed that the "bump into" always leads to the "backslide" and that the pair would reunite.  Elaine repeatedly bet $50 that she would not reunite with Puddy, and after at least five different reconciliations, Elaine was financially strapped.  A few weeks later she wanted to reunite with Puddy, but he refused to take her back.  However, a month later his apartment was being fumigated so they inexplicably resumed dating.

When Puddy developed a new irritating habit, the high five, in addition to his other annoying habits, squinting and staring, Elaine dumped him.  Jerry was able to unite the couple on a few conditions: dinner at Arby's only once per month and Elaine attending Puddy's softball games without reading a book.

Two other petty annoyances caused turmoil.  Puddy owned an effeminate man-fur winter coat, which offended Elaine's PETA principles and fashion sense.  Although she did not have the energy to be anti-fur anymore, she opposed being seen in public with an idiot.  Upon realizing that he looks like a girlie-man, Puddy purchases a bright, multi-colored leather coat with an 8-ball on the back.

The other vexatious predicament is Puddy's inexplicable religiosity.  While driving his car, Elaine noticed that the radio was pre-programmed to Christian Rock stations.  She would prefer if he was dumb and lazy rather than religious, because she understands the former and prefers one-dimensional men.  They visited a priest to discuss this matter, and he concluded that both of them are going to hell for living in sin.

Relationships - Doctors

Elaine always dreamed about dating a doctor, but her romance with a podiatrist ended prematurely when she began discussing how podiatrists were not really doctors.  In another instance, Elaine had only one date with Dr. Fein, the physician who performed George's tonsillitis surgery, because he spent the entire evening discussing anatomy of the tongue.  The thought of kissing him repulsed her; thereafter, she referred to him as Dr. Tongue.

Dr. Ben Gelfand graduated from medical school but had to pass the licensing exam.  Elaine could care less that he failed the test three times, provided she could introduce him as "doctor."  She helped him study, and as an incentive, withheld sex until after the exam.  When he finally passed the test, Ben dumped Elaine to find someone better.

Relationships - Others

Although he was not enchanted with Elaine, NBC president Russell Dalrymple was captivated by her cleavage, and after one mediocre date, he was obsessed with her.  To avoid seeing him, Elaine resorted to disguising her identity and finally admitted that she was rejecting Russell because of his occupation.  Inevitably, Russell joined Greenpeace to earn her respect, but during a mission against whalers, he drowned at sea.

Craig Stewart, an employee of The Andover Shop, used his employee discount on clothing to perpetuate a romance with Elaine.  According to Jerry, Craig was dangling the Nicole Miller dress in front of her like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.  When Elaine discovered that Craig lied about importing the dress, she sought vengeance by clipping his luscious mane.

Lloyd Braun was the assistant to Mayor Dinkins, and advised him on everything, including what soap to use.  Using Elaine's idea, Lloyd proposed a campaign theme that New York City residents should wear name tags to create a friendlier, small-town atmosphere.  Inevitably, the recommendation cost Dinkins the mayoral election.  After one date, Lloyd never called Elaine again.  Nevertheless, two years later she claimed to have broken up with Lloyd, and believed that she may have caused his nervous breakdown.

Billy is best remembered for proving his sponge-worthiness.  According to Billy, he is a viable candidate because he and Elaine dated several times, they have a good rapport, he owns a profitable electronics distributing firm, exercises, eats well, has immaculate blood tests, and is quite good in bed.  Despite his qualifications, Elaine also had a list of demands, namely, that Billy trim his sideburns and thoroughly clean the bathroom sink and bathtub.