Seer: Thrall (4 page)

"Sidney, that's not true."

"Bullshit!" I screamed. "If you actually cared about me, you wouldn't have done what you did. You would at least have talked to me first. And you sure as hell wouldn't have threatened to give me brain damage yesterday. What kind of person does that?"

My emotions were all over the place. I didn't think that was unreasonable, given the situation. I tried to pull it together. If ever I needed some self-control, this was it.

I lay there for a while, breathing heavily. Finally Solange said, "Sidney, look at me."

"No," I said. "If you're not going to let me go, please just bleed me dry right now. Please don't put me back. You can get your precious blood. Did you bottle it? Or perhaps you drank it right away."

"Sidney." She said it gently, far more gently than I was speaking. "I'm not going to glamour you. I don't intend to put you back, and I don't intend to bleed you. I want to explain a few things, and I want you to look at me while I do so. Please, look at me."

This time, I obeyed. Her expression was gentle.

"I do care about you," she said. "I was protecting you."

"Yes," I said. "It felt like protection when you put me on that cold table. It felt like protection when you cut the clothes from my body. I'm sure it was protection when you inserted all those tubes into me. And I know it was protection being shoved into that bag and kept there for seven months so you and your friends could feed off me. Yes. You were protecting me. I see it now." I paused. "The only protection I needed was from you."

I should have shut up. Even while I said it, I knew I should just shut up. I knew I wasn't doing myself any good at all.

She didn't get angry, but Solange rarely got angry. But she didn't turn cold like she would do when we used to fight, either.

Instead, she sighed. "Get it out of your system," she said. "Then it's my turn."

I looked away again. "I should shut up. I'm not doing myself any good."

"You have cause to be angry, and I know you're terribly frightened."

I turned back to you. "How could you?"

"I was protecting you," she said.

"You should have talked to me!"

"I was angry, Sidney. I can't begin to tell you how angry I was."

"Well, you got even." Mentally I kicked myself again. I just couldn't shut up. I should promise her whatever she wanted and then run the moment I got the chance.

"If you want to continue to castigate me," she said, "Go ahead. When you're ready to listen, tell me."

I closed my eyes. "I'm scared."

"I know."

"I'm angry."

"I know."

I opened my eyes. "I'm listening."

"Really listening, or are you going to interrupt."

"I'll try to listen," I said.

"I was protecting you," she said.

"From what?"

"To some extent, myself. I really was very angry. And the other vampires."

"Aubree?"

"No. But vampires protect our secrets."

"If those people who were hunting Aubree are any indication, your secrets aren't so secret."

"That may be," she replied. "And that risk, when identified, is neutralized. If I hadn't already dealt with the threat you represented, the others would have wanted me to bleed you dry on the spot."

"I might argue that would have been better."

"I might point out if I had done that, we wouldn't be able to take it back, and we wouldn't be able to negotiate some level of freedom now."

"You should have talked to me."

"I was too angry, and far, far too scared to be rational. I shoved you where you would be safe, and then I've spent the last seven months trying to justify releasing you."

I looked away again. I wasn't ready to be done with my anger.

"Was it protecting me when you threatened to give me brain damage if I didn't tell you how I got in? I won't believe you if you tell me you were bluffing." I looked back and glared at her.

"You're right," she said. "I wasn't bluffing. Have you ever donated blood?"

"Yes. In the past it's been willingly, and I wasn't strapped to the bed or told I'd suffer brain damage for it."

"I'm going somewhere with this," she said. "It takes fifteen or twenty minutes to donate a pint of blood, and when they do so, they are taking it as quickly as they safely can to get you in and out."

"I don't think you were worried about my safety."

She smiled. "The valve was barely open," she said. "And I would need a lot more than a pint before you would suffer any possibility of damage. Sidney, you were going to answer my questions. That wasn't open to negotiation. But I gave myself hours to convince you. I would have gotten into your head, Sidney. I knew you'd relent. I also thought if you were sufficiently scared and intimidated, you would be more likely to be fully forthright. We could not move forward without that conversation, and I made sure we had it."

I didn't answer right away. I was still angry.

"What would you have had me do instead?"

"Talked to me!" I said. "You could just have talked to me."

"Perhaps, but I was angry at the beginning, and I was still angry yesterday. Sidney, until you told me why, I thought you had betrayed me. I thought you were there to learn what you could and then sell your story to the highest bidder."

"You should have talked to me seven months ago," I said in a small voice.

"You're right," she said. "I should have. I was too angry, frightened, and hurt to do so. I'm sorry."

"You should have trusted me. You thought the worst on scant evidence."

"Ah, but according to you, I'm just a monster."

"I just spent seven months as a cocktail drink!" I screamed and rattled my restraints. "I think my reaction is entirely appropriate!"

It was her turn to look away for a minute, defusing the power of my glare. "You're right," she said. She turned back. "I am going to say a few more things. You are going to let me say them without interruption."

"Fine." I worked on my glare.

"You're right. I believed the worst. I shouldn't have. I should have talked to you. I could have secured you safely while I calmed down and perhaps given you an idea of what you had gotten yourself into. I did not do it that way, and I am sorry. I am going to explain a few things, apologize once more, and then we shall see."

"Fine," I said again. I wasn't ready to accept her apology.

"I have been betrayed in the past, including recently by that maid I showed you yesterday. I respond poorly to it. I always have, and I always will. That is not an excuse, but it is a partial explanation."

I nodded understanding.

"You knew I valued loyalty. You knew I would see your break in as betrayal. Your reaction to your situation may be entirely reasonable, but I believe my feelings of betrayal are equally justified."

I didn't want to admit it, but she had a fair point.

She paused again. "I am sorry I didn't tell you of my nature much earlier in our relationship, although you must admit it would have been a difficult conversation. Furthermore, if you responded poorly, it would be difficult to protect you. I waited because I was afraid."

She took a breath. "I am also sorry I did not talk to you seven months ago. On issues of betrayal, I am quick to anger and slow to calm down. I am sorry it took seven months to calm down enough I am willing to now take this risk. But I believe I can now offer you the best possible outcome of the possibilities that began the moment you descended that elevator."

I closed my eyes, considering everything she had said. "I'm going to be bitter for a while."

"I know."

I lay there quietly for a while. Neither of us said anything. We'd both said as much as we could. Finally I opened my eyes.

"We both made choices that brought us here," she said. "We have both apologized for a portion of those choices. I do not believe either of us is able to apologize for more. I believe forgiveness is going to take time."

I thought about it, but before I could respond, she added, "I never stopped caring about you, Sidney. I haven't stopped loving you, either. I understand if you're not ready to say the same."

She let me think about that, too. I didn't think I believed her, but I didn't tell her that. "I'll agree to anything, Solange," I said quietly.

"I know you will," she replied. "You donated blood, just like everyone else here, but we stopped two months ago." She turned back. "What would you do if I said I wanted some of your blood, directly from your veins?"

I stared at her. "I told you I'd agree to whatever you want," I said finally.

"Does the thought frighten you?"

"Of course it does." I paused. "Will I become a vampire?"

"No. That process is far more complicated."

I nodded understanding. "Would it hurt terribly?"

"If I were to take blood from you, I would do it slowly, almost like making love," she said. "I would begin simply by touching you, caressing you. I'd be getting myself worked up, thinking about it." And then I saw her fangs begin to protrude.

"Damn it," she said. "I seem to be short on control tonight."

"It's not voluntary?"

"Not exactly," she said. Her voice sounded odd, but she remained understandable. "As I said, I would think about my fangs entering you. I would stroke where I wish to bite." She paused. "I'd show you, but I think that would make this worse." She waved at her fangs. "I could take your gaze like I did last night, and then you wouldn't feel anything, but then I can only bite where I can also see your eyes."

"Like a wrist."

"Yes. A wrist is fine for a meal, but I prefer something closer to the heart." She leaned forward and caressed my neck.

"It would hurt," I said.

"For a few seconds, yes. You would gasp in pain. But then it turns to pleasure for you. Very intense pleasure."

"Better than sex?"

"Yes."

"Addictive?"

"Yes."

"Is that the leash? Is that how you're going to assure my obedience."

"After a fashion," she said, understanding I was asking how she was going to control me. "The pleasure alone, as addictive as it can be, makes a poor leash."

She paused. "That is what it is like with me. Some vampires are brutal, and feeding them is a horrible experience. They don't care about the person who feeds them, and they take little care. I was once like that. I am ashamed for it."

"Would there be scars when you were done?"

"No, not if I take care. I heal the wound like it wasn't there, unless I am interrupted."

"How often do you intend to feed from me?" I asked.

"I didn't say I intended to do so at all," she said. "I asked for your reaction if I said I wanted to."

"Oh." I thought about it. "Is that what you want though? To make me crave your bite? Would I turn into some mindless thing, living just for the pleasure you bring me?"

"That's complicated," she said. "Yes, it could be like that, and I've done that a few times, but that's not what I want for you."

We watched each other. I hoped she would say more. I thought perhaps she was a little flustered. Her fangs were still out. They looked sharp. I stared at them. I had calmed down. Her apologies and explanation had helped. Furthermore, I believed her, more or less, and that was going a long way towards defusing my anger.

Not that I intended to forgive her any time soon. Oh no. Forgiveness wasn't on the table, as far as I was concerned, but I wasn't going to tell her that. I was going to promise anything she wanted, and then I was running as fast and as far as I could.

"You know now I'm curious along with being frightened."

She smiled. "I imagine."

"Are you going to bite me?"

"I don't know."

I looked away. My stomach was in knots. "Are you going to let me live?"

"I don't like it when you look away, Sidney."

I turned back to her. "I'm so frightened."

"I have every intention to set you as free as I am able, Sidney. I believe you will live and return to the sun. I am still trying to decide how to achieve more trust than that."

"You could give me more freedom over time," I suggested.

"Maybe," she said, but for some reason, I didn't think she believed it. I called her on it.

"You're right," she agreed. "I don't want to explain." She huffed. "If I don't sufficiently trust you, then I will bind you so closely to me that you could never do anything but what I order. I believe right now, you'd accept that as being better than the other choices, wouldn't you?"

I nodded slowly.

"It's not what I want, however. But, like you, I am frightened. I have lived a very long time, and if you betray me, I will be destroyed. The others won't forgive me."

"I-" I looked down. "I don't want you destroyed, Solange."